I feel lost and hopless.

[MB1989]

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me a month ago. We lived together for over 3 of those years. We are both 31 years old, she is polish while I am norwegian, and we live in norway.

I fell for her instantly after our first date. She was like no other woman I had ever met, she was kind, compassionate, warm and never judged anyone. She is outgoing, fun and adventerous and very social. I love everything about her. She motivated me to become a better person, to step out of my comfort zone and to grow as a person. These last 4 years have been the best time of my life. 

She has had a tough life, having been left virtually alone when losing her parents at the age of 21 and losing contact with her brother. She came to this country with her fiance, but he cheated on her and she was left here alone. When we got together I tried to do everything I could to make her life as good, safe and happy as possible. I did everything in my power to support her financially, to help her find a job, to help her learn norwegian, to help her with her studies and to show her as much love as I could. I called her every day from work to ask how her day has been, I woke her up every morning with a cup of coffee in bed, I bought her flowers, I took her out to restaurants 1-2 times a month, we traveled together, went to the opera, spent time with friends and family etc. Everything was going great until the pandemic hit us and she was temporarily laid off. At this time I was working full time, trying to get promoted and climb the corporate ladder, while studying full time at the same time. So, naturally I didn't have that much time for her, or anything else really. But, the reason I was doing this was to lay a foundation for our future so that we could be financially stable, have a nice place to live and then get married and start a family. However, she had fallen into a depression and felt that I wasn't there enough for her. Or, I wasn't there in the way that she needed me.

After she told me that she was depressed I tried to fix it (stupid, I know, I am not a psychiatrist). So, I started spending more time with her, took her out on skiing trips and hikes and tried to motivate her to get out of the house and spend some time with friends. However, she started becoming more distant towards me, showing me less affection, stopped initiating sex, spending more and more time away from me. This caused me frustration, and I foolishly started flirting with a girl from work. The flirting was innocent, nothing sexual, and I did it because I felt like I wasn't getting much affection, intimacy or attention from my gf. One day, the girl from work invited me to her house. I said no and the flirting ended there. But, my girlfriend found out and this caused her to lose some trust for me.

A month ago she told me that she doesn't love me anymore, that she isn't happy and that we shouldn't be together. She believes that we are completely different people and have nothing in common. It is true that we were very different in the beginning, but as the years went by and she inspired me to grow and change, we became a lot more like each other.

We still live together in the apartment that we bought almost 2 years ago. She is currently on holiday in her home country and will be back in a few days. While she has been gone I have tried to give her space, but we have sent some pictures to each other on Snapchat and a few texts.

I feel devastated and completely broken. I am losing the love of my life, the only person I have ever truly loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know what to do anymore...

All I want is to have her back in my arms...any advice?

 

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately break ups default to the one who wants out.  

You have to address the practical considerations -- namely the apartment you both own.  Can you afford to buy her out?  

[glows]

She may not view you in the same way anymore after you broke her trust and there's not much you can do from now on except to respect her wishes when she tells you she doesn't want to be with you. She was also working with the shock of being temporarily laid off so it's another disappointment to find out her partner has been flirting with someone else at her lowest point.

You seem like you need a great deal of affection and attention in a relationship, seeing as you poured in a lot of time and effort into making her comfortable at the start. I don't think that momentum is sustainable in the long run. The honeymoon period of your relationship ended, so to speak, and when the mundane and routineness of daily life and life's challenges hit the relationship didn't make it. 

Time out to heal and recoup and accept that it's over. I agree on addressing the shared apartment. What are your plans? Do you both plan to discuss this when she returns? The relationship is limping along with a great crack in it and neither of you are giving each other the space or time to think through what happened. Why is she sending you photos and snaps if she isn't happy or doesn't want to be with you? She's either in denial or toying with you. I think it's the former. I'd ignore these and I wouldn't respond. You need time to think about what  step to take next. 

 

[MB1989]

I understand that she has lost her trust in me, and that is the worst part of this entire process. The last year has been very frustrating for both of us and I have felt that I have tried my best to support her and to be there for her in every way, but I felt like I wasn't getting nearly as much in return. I felt like I was giving and giving while she was ignoring it and distancing herself from me. Flirting with another girl was absolutely dumb and I regret it so much. It was a weak moment in my life which I allowed to happen because I didn't feel wanted or loved at home. It was a mistake for which I have apologized.

I just feel like I have given everything of myself for 4 years to make her happy and to give her some safety and stability in life, which had been missing for the past 10 years. But, she doesn't see it this way. She even told me that I don't take care of her, which I simply don't understand since I have supported her financially during the entire pandemic, and done everything I could to help her with jobs, school and language. I feel like she sees the relationship in a completely different way than I do.

What really hurts is that she discussed our relationship and me with her therapist and friends for months before breaking up, without ever discussing these issues with me, her partner. Meanwhile, I was going on as usual trying to take care of her and give her my love. I don't understand this at all.

[glows]

Well, no. You were flirting with someone else and also withdrawing just as she was. Both of you were withdrawing from each other and not as close as the start. Things are very painful now and I'm sorry for all this heartbreak. You may have supported her financially but not emotionally in nuanced or subtle or even big ways (to her). I don't know this as I don't know your situation enough. I can only say to you to look out for yourself and consider the break permanent if that's what it is. 

If you made a mistake with that coworker, leave it for now and don't keep beating yourself up over it either. Any woman who's got herself worked up and ready to draw you in while you're living with a partner or with someone else is someone you should think twice about. You have to take care of yourself now. It may seem like the end of the world but it's not. This may be the beginning of something new. 

[Love Yourself First]

The struggle is a gift from God, don't squander it, remember when you try hard, you die hard.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Love Yourself First said:

remember when you try hard, you die hard.

That's a cool quote.

I'm putting that one in my quote journal.

[Love Yourself First]

Just now, Alpaca said:

That's a cool quote.

I'm putting that one in my quote journal.

-Kanye West, Can't Tell Me Nothing

[lonelyplanetmoon]

It is interesting how people will rewrite history to suit their conscience.  She is rewriting the past so that it is easier to distance herself from you and the relationship.  It is a coping mechanism.

Once the rewrite occurs there is no going back.  They never see the relationship the same again.  it sounds like this is her mo.
 

One thing you may not understand is that depression results in the person losing all feelings in themselves.  They lose the ability to feel emotions.  They become distant within themselves which then spills over to distance with their partner.  Only medication and therapy can bring them back.

But your betrayal is fatal I am afraid.  Especially since she had been cheated on before.  I doubt she will forgive you so you are best served to treat this as a permanent break up and take the steps needed to take care of you.

 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

1 hour ago, Love Yourself First said:

The struggle is a gift from God, don't squander it, remember when you try hard, you die hard.

I love this and agree.  
There is a parable that Rumi wrote that explains this wonderfully.

[MB1989]

Interesting observation about rewriting history as a coping mechanism. There are plenty of examples of this that I can bring up from my last conversation with her. I even confronted her about some of them (in a calm and non-angry way):

- She claims I don't take care of her, yet I have in every way I could

- She claims i'm not interested in getting to know her family, yet I have gotten to know all of her friends in Norway, we have traveled to Poland and Canada, where she has family, and stayed with them for weeks. I even kept in touch with her cousin and brother for a while after that. She, on the other hand, never wanted to get to know my friends, and even said openly that she doesn't like my sister.

- She likes to travel and be in the outdoors, she claims that I don't, yet we traveled abroad 6 times in 2,5 years before Covid, we went on skiing trips, hikes, bike rides and other things.

She was often comparing our relationship to that of her friends and believed that our relationship was boring. But, I just don't see it, I took her out on dates on a regular basis throughout these 4 years, not just in the beginning, but up until right before she broke up with me. Yes, things got boring during Covid, but what was I supposed to do?! There was a lockdown, everything was closed and you couldn't travel anywhere!

She started losing feelings for me last year while she was sitting at home and not working due to the lockdown. Apparently she realized that we are completely different people and have nothing in common, which just sounds very strange to me.

She had already distancing herself from me for a couple of months before I started flirting with that girl. I am not making any excuses, because it was clearly wrong of me, but I am just trying to explain my thought process. At this time I was always initiating sex, I was initiating cuddling and kissing probably 80% of the time, I was showing far more affection towards her than I was getting in return, and still supporting her financially. She had also started spending more time away with friends, sometimes entire weekends. This is something I encouraged in the beginning, because it was good for her to get out of the house, but it just increased in frequency as the months went by. I started to ask myself "does she even like me?", "does she find me attractive at all?", "why am I always having to initiate sex and intimacy?". When this girl started flirting with me I went along with it because it felt good to get a confidence boost. Obviously, it was wrong. 

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, MB1989 said:

She had also started spending more time away with friends, sometimes entire weekends. This is something I encouraged in the beginning, because it was good for her to get out of the house, but it just increased in frequency as the months went by.

Any chance she has met someone else?

Completely re-writing history and spending increasing time away from home can be red flags for a third party. The revision of history is sometimes to conjure up "justifications" for getting up to no good, with the current partner being unwittingly compared to someone new and shiny. 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Alpacalia]

You have a one-sided partnership.

It is not your responsibility to treat her as if she is a helpless little girl incapable of building her own safety and stability in her life.

In the process of everything you’ve been doing for her she’s lost respect for you.

You cannot make someone appreciate you. So, what is the alternative to letting her go?

[MB1989]

The reason I wanted to take care of her was because her life has been very tough for the past 10 years. She lost both her parents only two months apart. She also lost contact with her brother because he had problems with addiction (he is sober now and they have re-connected). She was basically left alone as her remaining family live in different countries. She came here with her ex-fiance and worked to help him start his business and supported him. In the end he betrayed her by cheating and she dumped him. She was left alone in Norway without any friends or family and an unstable job/financial situation. I love her, so naturally I wanted to do everything I could to help her and give her a good life in this country.

When she started acting distant it made me worried and frustrated, but I tolerated it because I assumed it was connected to her depression, and I hoped that once these hard times pass we will be happy again, like we were before the pandemic. However, after a while I realized that she seemed to be happier when she was away from me. So, I tried to compensate by giving and doing even more for her. But, after feeling neglected for a while I started to lose motivation. I just felt like she wasn't responding positively, she didn't appreciate the things I have been doing for her, and even started claiming that I wasn't really doing much for her at all.

She also doesn't trust my intentions. For example: marriage is very important for her. For me, it has never been a big priority. This is a cultural thing because most people my age don't get married these days, in Norway. But, because it was important for her I would do it and I would be happy with it. She believes that I am against marriage and that I would only do it because she is pressuring me. Same goes for potentially moving to Poland or Canada, which is something we discussed several times. I don't care where we live as long as we are together, we are happy and we can build a good life together. Again, she believes I wasn't being honest about this.

I had never denied her anything in this relationship. If she wanted to go on a trip with her friends, sleep over at a girlfriends house or go out with them, I never tried to stop her. I believe it's important to have your own life outside of the relationship as well, so you are not just dependent on each other. She was always free to do whatever she wanted, as long as we could have our quality time together. The last time we spoke (the day before she left on holiday), I asked her: "what will change in your life now? what is it that you will be able to do now that you couldn't do in this relationship?" She didn't have an answer to this. The only difference is that I won't be there. Other than that she will do all the same things she has already been doing, just alone.

I don't believe she met anyone else.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Her losing both her parents must have been excruciatingly difficult for her. No doubt, she has had a very tough life. So, I can understand why you went above and beyond to support her.

It's unfortunate that she doesn't see it that way but I suspect the trauma that she has experienced has interfered with the ability to look at things a bit more objectively.

It's almost like an unconscious road block.

That aside, the flirting on your behalf and no desire for marriage I think may only further hinder her ability to have much faith in the relationship.

I'm not sure what else to say but that I am sorry to hear you are in the position that you are in and I hope you find some much needed clarity on your situation.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, MB1989 said:

We still live together in the apartment .

Sorry this is happening. You still live together so you're not really broken up, just fighting.

Give her time to reflect while she's on holiday. You can reflect also about what you want to see happening in the future and what you can do to achieve that.

Most of all, don't panic. A calm approach to her will be the best for you.

[MB1989]

I did want to marry her, it just wasn't a big priority for me becausee it's not really something younger people do that often these day, at least not were we live. But, I want to spend my life with her, and I know marriage is important for her, so I wanted to do that with her.

There is no excuse for the flirting, that was 100% a mistake on my part. But, I forgot to mention I caught her flirting with a guy in april last year. She claims he is just a friend, but the way I see it when you write things like "you came to me in my dream last night <3" and "you always know how to make me smile" is borderline stuff. This made me feel like s*** as I was busting my ass working to support her and us while she was laid off during this time. However, I didn't confront her about it. I don't know why to be honest. Maybe because I thought that flirting isn't that big of a deal as long as nothing physical happens and you don't develop feelings for the other person. After a while i forgot about it, but it came up when she confronted me about my flirting. 

There isn't anything anyone can say. Obviously I want her back. I was crushed when she told me this and in the 9 days from this talk and until she left I was a complete wreck. I had to take a combination of Valium and Melatonin every night just to fall a sleep, and even then I slept maybe 4 hours. I still take them, but not every night. I lost about 4 lbs due to barely eating anything. I cried daily. The only thing that got me through it was the incredible support from my friends. Now, I just feel empty inside with bursts of sadness and longing for her.

I want her back, because I still love her. But, the only way this can happen is if she wants to come back. There is nothing I can do to make her. It just hurts me that she didn't sit me down, months ago when her feelings started changing and had an honest talk with me. Then we could have tried to work through this. But, she didn't. Instead she talked to friends and her therapist, anyone but me. And when I suggested couples therapy 3 weeks ago she said there's no point and that I need to move on.

I just don't understand how she can throw away 4 years without even trying to salvage it...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, MB1989 said:

I forgot to mention I caught her flirting with a guy in april last year. She claims he is just a friend, but the way I see it when you write things like "you came to me in my dream last night <3" and "you always know how to make me smile" is borderline stuff.

It is absolutely borderline. Where did she meet this guy? How did you discover this? 

1 hour ago, MB1989 said:

However, I didn't confront her about it. I don't know why to be honest.

Sometimes we avoid confronting because it makes it too "real." It upsets the comfort and stability we thought we could trust in a relationship, and maybe we just want to ride the rough waves and hold on tight, hoping the waters will calm themselves. But it's a sign of something already going very wrong in the relationship. 

[MB1989]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is absolutely borderline. Where did she meet this guy? How did you discover this? 

Sometimes we avoid confronting because it makes it too "real." It upsets the comfort and stability we thought we could trust in a relationship, and maybe we just want to ride the rough waves and hold on tight, hoping the waters will calm themselves. But it's a sign of something already going very wrong in the relationship. 

She knew him from before she met me. She just says he is a really good friend. As far as I know they don't meet each other often, maybe 2-3 times a year. But, I have met all of her other friends, but never this guy. I discovered it through Facebook. At that time my laptop was broken, so we both used hers. One day I was about to log in to my Facebook account but I instantly came into hers because she was already logged in, and her chat with this guy was open. 

I think you are right about the last part, I was probably scared to confront her about it as it could have changed our relationship entirely. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like she started checking out long before now, around the time she was playing online-footsie with this other guy. 

Do you know where she was on the all these weekend away recently?

[MB1989]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds to me like she started checking out long before now, around the time she was playing online-footsie with this other guy. 

Do you know where she was on the all these weekend away recently?

Yes, she went on cabin trips with a girlfriend, another couple and their kid. These people were from her home country, so I didn't join them because i thought it would be good for her to have group of friends by herself and because we had been on top of each other all the time during lockdown, so I figured it would for her to have this for herself.

She started losing feelings for me late 2020, so a couple of months before she started going on these trips.

She told me she wasn't happy, but never said it was because of me. I thought it was because of her depression and not me.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, MB1989 said:

These people were from her home country, so I didn't join them because i thought it would be good for her to have group of friends by herself and because we had been on top of each other all the time during lockdown, so I figured it would for her to have this for herself.

I get that it was good for her to socialize, but she didn't ever invite you? Even once? 

[MB1989]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I get that it was good for her to socialize, but she didn't ever invite you? Even once? 

She did invite me once, but I wanted her to go alone and enjoy some time with her friends by herself. I guess this was a mistake.

I just find it strange that she didn't sit down with me and have a serious conversation about this when she started feeling this way.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, MB1989 said:

I just find it strange that she didn't sit down with me and have a serious conversation about this when she started feeling this way.

Unfortunately, this often means that the person just isn't invested enough to want to fix it. 

Do you know whatever became of the guy she'd been flirting with? 

[MB1989]

So, yesterday I spoke with her. She was supposed to come home today, but it might not happen since she has to fix some things regarding the sale of a house there. I asked to let me know if she will come home today or next week. She never answered that last text and I haven't heard anything today either...

Apparently she is ignoring me now. Strange, since she has sendt me a snap every day this week and now she is all of a sudden silent.