I feel lost and hopless.

[MB1989]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, this often means that the person just isn't invested enough to want to fix it. 

Do you know whatever became of the guy she'd been flirting with? 

I have no idea.

[MB1989]

So, we spoke on the phone today. The conversation was ok, just short and friendly. However, she still calls me by my pet name (we have pet names for each other), which I think is a bit strange.

She is coming home on tuesday. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends these past 2 weeks, and hanging out with them almost daily. It has been really fun, but I have been doing it because I just can't be alone. I just start thinking about her and it makes me feel really sad.

I think I'll just continue living like I have been doing these weeks and try my best to not be sad and depressed in front of her. Does anyone have any tips to what I should do and how I should behave?

[spiderowl]

"She had already distancing herself from me for a couple of months before I started flirting with that girl. I am not making any excuses, because it was clearly wrong of me, but I am just trying to explain my thought process. At this time I was always initiating sex, I was initiating cuddling and kissing probably 80% of the time, I was showing far more affection towards her than I was getting in return, and still supporting her financially. She had also started spending more time away with friends, sometimes entire weekends. This is something I encouraged in the beginning, because it was good for her to get out of the house, but it just increased in frequency as the months went by. I started to ask myself "does she even like me?", "does she find me attractive at all?", "why am I always having to initiate sex and intimacy?". When this girl started flirting with me I went along with it because it felt good to get a confidence boost. Obviously, it was wrong."

I am very sorry, OP.  It sounds like you've done your best and she has just lost the feelings she had for you.  This does happen and it is no-one's fault.

It looks like (referring to above) this was the time she started to disengage.  You were putting more into the romantic side of the relationship than she was.  It was a warning sign.

I get the feeling you put a lot into the relationship, especially at first, practically doting on her.  She almost certainly didn't need all this attention but it does mean you get to engage with her more.  You needed her attention of course.

Given that it was so intense with her, you are bound to feel lost and shaken. 

Sometimes it is hard to get an understanding of what went wrong.  It is amazing how two people can experience a relationship completely differently and not be aware of it.

Had your girlfriend ever suggested relationship therapy or tried to discuss anything with you? If so, you would have some clues there as to the problems as she perceived them.  If not, maybe she just gradually lost interest.  It does happen.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Interstellar]

You did A LOT  to this woman but unfortunately, she comes with major, major baggage of being abandoned by her parents. Give her space, stop contacting her, don’t touch her nor initiate any touching. Since you still live together, treat her with respect, but forget affection and romance. Start collecting new phone numbers also. Next woman you get involve with; make sure she doesn’t have major issues or traumatic experiences.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Interstellar

[MB1989]

I spoke to my uncle, whi gave my his view of the situation. I don't really know if it's helpful for me, but it was interesting to hear.

He says that this is ultimately her loss, not mine. She is throwing away a life together because she thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. I agree with him and I spent some time thinking about this:

What is she losing and throwing away:

1. A guy who loves her more than anything

2. A guy who has supported her and been there for her in every way, the entire relationship.

3. A guy who would continue to be there for her and love her for the rest of her life.

4. A guy who never denied her anything and encouraged her to do things. She was free to do whatever she wanted, just as long as we had our quailty time together as well.

5. A life together and a future marriage and family, as well as an apartment we bought together.

What is she gaining?

1. The freedom to go on Tinder dates with random men.

I understand this and can rationalize it, which momentarily makes me feel better, but I quickly fall into sadness and longing again. I am also losing the love of my life and it's a pain greater than anything I have ever experienced. 

I have been depressed most of my adult life. I have a constant feeling of emptiness inside of me. I never used to be sad, nor happy, just empty all the time. I dated many women during this time, but I could never connect with any of them. During my relationship with her I managed to get out of this depression and my life was finally going good. I truly felt happy. Now, I am slipping back into it. The only reason I have been hanging out with my friends daily is because I can't be alone. Those dark thoughts start to appear, I have anxiety attacks and I drug myself with Valium and sleeping pills just to get by. Last night, I considered just putting and to my life, and it instantly made me feel a sense of relief. I truly feel lost.

[MB1989]

11 hours ago, spiderowl said:

"She had already distancing herself from me for a couple of months before I started flirting with that girl. I am not making any excuses, because it was clearly wrong of me, but I am just trying to explain my thought process. At this time I was always initiating sex, I was initiating cuddling and kissing probably 80% of the time, I was showing far more affection towards her than I was getting in return, and still supporting her financially. She had also started spending more time away with friends, sometimes entire weekends. This is something I encouraged in the beginning, because it was good for her to get out of the house, but it just increased in frequency as the months went by. I started to ask myself "does she even like me?", "does she find me attractive at all?", "why am I always having to initiate sex and intimacy?". When this girl started flirting with me I went along with it because it felt good to get a confidence boost. Obviously, it was wrong."

I am very sorry, OP.  It sounds like you've done your best and she has just lost the feelings she had for you.  This does happen and it is no-one's fault.

It looks like (referring to above) this was the time she started to disengage.  You were putting more into the romantic side of the relationship than she was.  It was a warning sign.

I get the feeling you put a lot into the relationship, especially at first, practically doting on her.  She almost certainly didn't need all this attention but it does mean you get to engage with her more.  You needed her attention of course.

Given that it was so intense with her, you are bound to feel lost and shaken. 

Sometimes it is hard to get an understanding of what went wrong.  It is amazing how two people can experience a relationship completely differently and not be aware of it.

Had your girlfriend ever suggested relationship therapy or tried to discuss anything with you? If so, you would have some clues there as to the problems as she perceived them.  If not, maybe she just gradually lost interest.  It does happen.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for your understanding and compassion.

The reason I did everything for her is because her life had truly been horrible, for reasons outside of her contriol: both parents dying, brother disappearing due to alcoholism, family scattered all over the world, fiance cheating on her, being alone in a new country...I just wanted to take care of her and give her a good life. I figured, that's what you do when the person you love is suffering.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, MB1989 said:

She is coming home on tuesday. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends these past 2 weeks, and hanging out with them almost daily. It has been really fun, but I have been doing it because I just can't be alone. I just start thinking about her and it makes me feel really sad.

I think I'll just continue living like I have been doing these weeks and try my best to not be sad and depressed in front of her. Does anyone have any tips to what I should do and how I should behave?

I would spend as little time together as possible. 

It's going to be awkward and sad being under the same roof now, so I would personally do whatever I could to keep my physical distance. Her calling you by your pet name is just force of habit, and thus I would not read into it. It takes time to un-learn those things. 

What is her plan for moving out? You two won't be able to continue living together.

[MB1989]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would spend as little time together as possible. 

It's going to be awkward and sad being under the same roof now, so I would personally do whatever I could to keep my physical distance. Her calling you by your pet name is just force of habit, and thus I would not read into it. It takes time to un-learn those things. 

What is her plan for moving out? You two won't be able to continue living together.

We haven't discussed that yet, so I don't really know. 

I am pretty sure she is lying to me. She was supposed to come home on friday, but couldn't because she is waiting for some final document she needs to sell the house she owns there. She said she will get the document on saturday from city hall and will come back on sunday. However, there is no flight back on sunday, the next flight is on tuesday. Also, I have never heard of a city hall with opening hours during the weekends. I don't know why she is lying, but it is stressing me out and making me feel pretty bad.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, MB1989 said:

She said she will get the document on saturday from city hall and will come back on sunday. However, there is no flight back on sunday, the next flight is on tuesday. Also, I have never heard of a city hall with opening hours during the weekends. I don't know why she is lying, but it is stressing me out and making me feel pretty bad.

I'm sorry. That does sound a little fishy.

All you can do is remind yourself that what she's doing now is out of your hands, and while it hurts to imagine the possibilities, you can't let your mind go there. Can you spend some time with family or friends this weekend to help distract your thoughts?

[MB1989]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry. That does sound a little fishy.

All you can do is remind yourself that what she's doing now is out of your hands, and while it hurts to imagine the possibilities, you can't let your mind go there. Can you spend some time with family or friends this weekend to help distract your thoughts?

I have been spending time with friends almost daily for the past 2 weeks, because I haven't been able to be alone. Whenver I am alone I start having anxiety, stressing and feeling really down. So, I distract myself by being with friends as much as I can.

I have no idea why she is acting so fishy and clearly making stuff up so she can stay there for longer. I am thinking that either she has met someone there and is enjoying spending time with him, or she hasn't been able to get over me yet and is afraid to come back (her plan was clearly to get over me during these 3 weeks). It's impossible to tell.

Either way, she is treating me like crap and has zero regard for my feelings. Firstly, because she never had a serious conversation with me about her feelings, until she was ready to end it. This makes me feel betrayed. Secondly, she is ghosting me, lying to me and not telling me when she is coming home. The last part is the strangest because the keys to the apartment are with me, so I have to know when she is coming home or else she won't be able to get into the apartment.

I am honestly shocked how the warm, compassionate and kind person I love has turn into a completely cold and careless person who doesn't give a damn about me. She never texts me to ask how I am doing. I could literally be dead and she wouldn't know about it. After 4 years I am nothing to her. How can someone just change like this?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, MB1989 said:

I am thinking that either she has met someone there and is enjoying spending time with him, or she hasn't been able to get over me yet and is afraid to come back (her plan was clearly to get over me during these 3 weeks).

I hate to tell you this, but this is pure BS. 

She might indeed want space from you, but she knows this was an excuse designed (misguidedly) to protect your feelings. The truth is she doesn't need these 3 weeks to "get over" you. As the dumper, she is way ahead of you on that timeline.  That's the nature of these kinds of break-ups, when one starts checking out emotionally long before they pull the plug. It doesn't mean she won't have moments of sadness too, but dumpers like her have largely already processed and grieved the end of the relaitonship when they break up with their exes. 

Whether she's met someone else on her trip or went with the express purpose of visiting someone else does not change the outcome, and will only make you feel worse the longer you mull over it. I agree she is being insensitive and inconsiderate in terms of changing her dates around (when her entrance into the apartment depends on you) but this is where you will need to get tough. Give her a date by when she needs to be moved out, and not in the too-distant future. 

Has she completely changed? Well, it sounds like she's been changing for a while. Ever since you caught her flirting with someone else. Maybe the changes were gradual enough not to be too noticeable, or maybe you didn't want to see them because they pointed to a painful truth. But you're seeing her now for who she is, at this point in her life. And that can be a terrible realization when a relationship ends - the other person sometimes is just not who we once knew. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

17 hours ago, MB1989 said:

I am honestly shocked how the warm, compassionate and kind person I love has turn into a completely cold and careless person who doesn't give a damn about me. She never texts me to ask how I am doing. I could literally be dead and she wouldn't know about it. After 4 years I am nothing to her. How can someone just change like this?

Yep this happens all the time.  I said the same thing/had the same thing happen to me.  It is how the dumpee experiences a sudden break up.

In my case I suspect there was someone else on his radar and so his attention went to them, so it was easy to disregard me.  Truth be told, it is his loss!