Housewife duties/chores

[calmingdays]

Hi there, im just looking for some advice. Im 32, have 2 children have been married for 12 years. My husband is, i suppose you would say a more traditional man, i stay at home and look after the children, do all the house duties, shopping, children's school/medical things etc. I clean our home top to bottom everyday on top of all my other duties, my problem is my husband complains that i clean too much and i dont have time for him, but when i decide to just do the bare minimum in the house like dishes, tidying etc, so that i can spend more time with him, he ends up angry at me for not doing anything. I dont know what to do? Im trying my best to get everything done for him and our children, i try my best every day, i dont sit down from the moment i wake up at 5am until everything is done, usually around 8pm. He doesnt help, which is ok as that's our roles in our marriage, he works 9-5.30 5 days per week. He provides for us. But i dont understand what he actually wants from me, because no matter what i do it doesnt seem to be right. How do other wives manage to do it? I have a schedule for each day that i follow so everything that needs done gets done, i add new things as they come up but i dont see how i can find more time without cleaning less, which he doesnt want. Im thinking about maybe waking up earlier so i can start downstairs before everyone is awake. But im always tired by the end of the day already. I dont really know what im looking for here, maybe just any tips anyone can give me on better time management? 

Thank you so much if you have talen the time to read this. I appreciate any help. 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

my problem is my husband complains that i clean too much and i dont have time for him, but when i decide to just do the bare minimum in the house like dishes, tidying etc, so that i can spend more time with him, he ends up angry at me for not doing anything.

If he complains that you don’t have time for him, my response would be that I would have more time if he helped more around the home. Kindly, he has no right to complain if he is not contributing. 

I respect your decision to employ traditional roles in the division of labour and your work as a stay at home mother. I would suggest that you both need to find more balance - perhaps you can lower your standards just a little (ie. the house needs to be clean, perfection should not be your goal). There is most definitely an opportunity for your husband to take more responsibility. You can still have traditional roles, and he can still do the dishes or help with childcare. If you work as a team,  you will both benefit and find the thing you both want - which is more time together and I would assume, more time as a family. 

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How do other wives manage to do it?

We both work full time. We have traditional roles in terms of the division of labour but we both work toward the running of this home. In that, I mean I do most of the cleaning and he does most of the maintenance/yard work. We share the cooking and he helps sometimes with the grocery shopping. I live in a beautiful home and it’s clean, but not always perfectly clean. There are always stacks of laundry to be done, there are often dishes air drying on the counter, and there are always jobs that are left for the next day or the weekend. Such is life. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[clia]

56 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Hi there, im just looking for some advice. Im 32, have 2 children have been married for 12 years. My husband is, i suppose you would say a more traditional man, i stay at home and look after the children, do all the house duties, shopping, children's school/medical things etc. I clean our home top to bottom everyday on top of all my other duties, my problem is my husband complains that i clean too much and i dont have time for him, but when i decide to just do the bare minimum in the house like dishes, tidying etc, so that i can spend more time with him, he ends up angry at me for not doing anything.

What do you mean you clean your house top to bottom every day?  That honestly seems excessive to me.  While there are certain household tasks that you need to do every day (e.g., dishes, sweep kitchen floor, wipe kitchen/bath counters, etc.), it seems like other things (e.g., laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, dusting, windows, shopping/groceries) could be done less frequently.

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I dont know what to do? Im trying my best to get everything done for him and our children, i try my best every day, i dont sit down from the moment i wake up at 5am until everything is done, usually around 8pm. He doesnt help, which is ok as that's our roles in our marriage, he works 9-5.30 5 days per week. He provides for us. But i dont understand what he actually wants from me, because no matter what i do it doesnt seem to be right.

You need to have a conversation with him if you don't understand what he wants, because the two of you obviously have a disconnect.  If you are spending 5 a.m. until 8 p.m. cleaning the house every single day, that seems really excessive.   

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How do other wives manage to do it? I have a schedule for each day that i follow so everything that needs done gets done, i add new things as they come up but i dont see how i can find more time without cleaning less, which he doesnt want. Im thinking about maybe waking up earlier so i can start downstairs before everyone is awake. But im always tired by the end of the day already. I dont really know what im looking for here, maybe just any tips anyone can give me on better time management? 

I think we need a better idea of what you are doing every day (what is on your task list?), because I really don't know anyone who cleans their house from top to bottom on a daily basis.  And I don't think waking up earlier is the answer.

Edited August 5, 2021 by clia

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, calmingdays said:

I’m thinking about maybe waking up earlier so i can start downstairs before everyone is awake.

I’m just reading this again, and I missed this one sentence. Seriously? I would not ever do this. 

Are your children at an age that they can help? Can they be given jobs that will begin to teach them how to be responsible for completing a job and contributing to the running of your/their home? 

As much as it is your job as a stay at home mother to do the majority of the shopping, cleaning, and daytime childcare and appointments - your husband has some responsibility to participate and as your children get older, they would benefit from learning and also assuming responsibility for some age appropriate jobs around the home. It is a balance, I will give you that, but if you are considering getting up before your family to find some extra time in your day to clean than something is really wrong with the division of labour in your home. 

You are not the only person living in the home, you should not be the only person responsible for the running of the household. And yes, I think you probably need to lower your standards - I often joke with people when they come to see our new home that it’s not perfectly clean because we live here! As much as I am using humour with this statement, there is some truth to it. We do live here and we too have a child (and I have a husband, which may as well be a child for how he leaves things all around the home) - set your standard accordingly! 

If your husband has a problem with this - again, I would say that he who does not help has no right to complain. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

When I was married, I took care of the house. He was too slow. If something needed repairs or cleaning, it would be done the same day or next day for me but he needed more time to get into it or figure things out. We both worked full time but I had flexible hours or could work when I wanted at home or leave for the office if I wanted to go to the office that day so there was less stress on my part overall. He worked longer hours in a more fixed schedule. This worked out very well because I liked the extra duties anyway and I'm not that fastidious about cleanliness. As long as things were straight and working and there was a once a week cleaning or attention for most things, I felt satisfied. He left it all to me which worked fine. If he had an issue we would talk about it and do things differently. 

I think the both of you could compromise and talk about this in a less heated manner. When you mentioned this: 

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he ends up angry at me for not doing anything.

I bristled. He doesn't need to get upset over some dirt or dust. This would suggest someone who is using you as a punching bag. Let the matter cool for a bit and come back to it later stating what you do and ask him for his suggestions calmly. See how he responds to you.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, clia said:

What do you mean you clean your house top to bottom every day?  That honestly seems excessive to me.  While there are certain household tasks that you need to do every day (e.g., dishes, sweep kitchen floor, wipe kitchen/bath counters, etc.), it seems like other things (e.g., laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, dusting, shopping/groceries) could be done less frequently.

Agree. Other than cooking and cleaning the kitchen, most of those jobs are weekly jobs for me. 

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I bristled. He doesn't need to get upset over some dirt or dust. This would suggest someone who is using you as a punching bag.

I agree. He seems to have an unrealistic expectation, as do you which may result from the demand that he is placing on you.This statement and the fact that OPs solution was to get up earlier and take more on herself is concerning for me. 

Balance and compromises are needed here. Not time management or more hours in the day to clean. 

 

[calmingdays]

Thank you for your replies, in regards to him contributing, he wont as he works. He doesnt see it as a team effort. Its my job and thats ok, i understand that. Im not a perfectionist, i have 2 children, they are 4 and 6 years old so no house is going to be perfect. I dont clean from 5am until 8pm, i clean every spare minute i have outwith dishes, laundry, shopping, activities with the children etc. My days are always planned. I clean everything, every day, windows, vacuum everywhere including behind furniture and under beds, dusting, glass, sofas etc, i have to clean every surface and floor daily as well as the usual tasks of kitchen area, bathrooms, tidying, launrdy, ironing, dining area etc . The only things i dont clean daily are inside of our closets, light fixtures on the roof and our gardens, i do them once per week. My children do help, they are very good at tidying up after themselves, cant say the same for my husband, which i shouldnt really say. I just dont know how to change what i do. If i calm down cleaning then he is angry im not doing it but if i do the lists he writes hes complaining i dont spend enough time. Ive tried to change the schedule to doing certain things less often but it doesn't work out. 

[glows]

Talk calmly with him and let him know that anger is misplaced. He's bullying you. Don't escalate it but don't accept it either. If he has a complaint about something, tell him your solution and that's the solution that it gets unless he has an alternate suggestion that is feasible/reasonable. Do not put up with unreasonable demands.

[calmingdays]

I will try this, thank you. Hopefully he listens. Last time i tried to talk to him about it he basically said he gets all his work done within his hours so i should be able to get mine done. Which i understand, i do get all my work done just not early enough for him, thats why i was thimking about getting up earlier. He and my children get up at 6.30am. We get from around 8pm until we go to bed together. And we see each other once he's home from work and his days off. To be honesy i just dont really know what he wants me to do. I have his list of daily and weekly chores, i created a schedule to fit them all in as well as parenting, everything i have to do for him and everything else. I would ask him to make the shedule for me but he has no clue about all the other things i have to do outwith cleaning if that makes sense. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by calmingdays

[glows]

You may need to make some decisions about his "lists" if they're long, demanding and also erroneous or a waste of time. If he's out of touch with reality he may not realize that some of those requests take time. Both of you can go through them and determine what's important and what isn't so important or that can be left to the following week or end of the month for ie.  

Remember, that you are a human being also and not just a cleaning or chore machine. If you've been married for 12 years I'd be prepared for some push-back and aggression or additional insulting comments that insinuate you're deficient or not so capable. He's a bully, plain and simple. A person who is solution-oriented will be paying attention to how to solve the issue, rather than referencing "hours" or comparing your work days. This is totally unnecessary. 

The point is to work together as a married couple and a team and to find solutions to problems that come up on a regular basis. 

[Love Yourself First]

The problem here is this: Your cleaning workload is increasing because the people making the messes are being enabled to continue to make messes and not clean them, so obviously the messes are going to increase in size.

This type of enabling behavior is troubling in regards to your children's development and you should sit down with a child psychologist about it

[clia]

28 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Thank you for your replies, in regards to him contributing, he wont as he works. He doesnt see it as a team effort. Its my job and thats ok, i understand that. Im not a perfectionist, i have 2 children, they are 4 and 6 years old so no house is going to be perfect. I dont clean from 5am until 8pm, i clean every spare minute i have outwith dishes, laundry, shopping, activities with the children etc. My days are always planned. I clean everything, every day, windows, vacuum everywhere including behind furniture and under beds, dusting, glass, sofas etc, i have to clean every surface and floor daily as well as the usual tasks of kitchen area, bathrooms, tidying, launrdy, ironing, dining area etc . The only things i dont clean daily are inside of our closets, light fixtures on the roof and our gardens, i do them once per week. My children do help, they are very good at tidying up after themselves, cant say the same for my husband, which i shouldnt really say. I just dont know how to change what i do. If i calm down cleaning then he is angry im not doing it but if i do the lists he writes hes complaining i dont spend enough time. Ive tried to change the schedule to doing certain things less often but it doesn't work out. 

Why do you think you need to clean windows, under beds, behind furniture, dusting, and every single surface and floor on a daily basis?  Are these things really getting dirty that quickly?  I mean, dust doesn't develop overnight.  I'll just say it again -- this is excessive.  I don't know a single person who does this.  You can do these things once every week or two.  I suggest sitting down with your husband and the list of cleaning that needs to be done and figuring out what really makes sense to do on a daily basis and what can be done less frequently.       

[calmingdays]

When we got married, i went part time work so i was able to do all my chores etc, then when i fell pregnant with my first i quit my job. Its always been this way, he will probably push back if i try to change it, its been so long.  I dont feel the 'need' to do so much cleaning, i feel like i have to, if that makes sense, its just easier then arguing about it, i mean it is my job, ive always known that. I just want to be able to keep him happy, because he obviously isnt happy with what im doing now. The house very rarely gets dirty, kids leave toys around the house and things, that's to be expected. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, calmingdays said:

my problem is my husband complains that i clean too much

Is that true? Do you clean too much?  Hire a cleaning service to come regularly. Get some career training and work 9-5.  Is he bullying you into cleaning or are you obsessive about it?

Edited August 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

Maybe suggest to your husband he should spend one Saturday showing you how to get all of your chores done within his time frame.  Ask him to show you how and you will do it?  You sit back and watch.  Ask him.

[clia]

27 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

When we got married, i went part time work so i was able to do all my chores etc, then when i fell pregnant with my first i quit my job. Its always been this way, he will probably push back if i try to change it, its been so long.  I dont feel the 'need' to do so much cleaning, i feel like i have to, if that makes sense,

It doesn't make sense.  And I don't see the difference between not feeling the need and feeling like you have to.  It seems like a distinction without a difference.  You asked in your opening post "How to other wives manage to do it," and I'm here to tell you that most people aren't doing the amount of cleaning that you are doing on a daily basis.  Like, why do you have to clean under the bed every day?  Is someone going under there and looking at it?  What would it matter if you dusted under there once a week instead?  Why do you have to clean every surface in the house every day or vacuum behind every piece of furniture?  Is it really getting dirty that quickly?

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its just easier then arguing about it, i mean it is my job, ive always known that. I just want to be able to keep him happy, because he obviously isnt happy with what im doing now. The house very rarely gets dirty, kids leave toys around the house and things, that's to be expected. 

But he seems to think that you do too much cleaning, and I'm inclined to agree with him.  As I said before, you should really sit down with him and figure out what makes sense to do on a daily basis.  You don't need to do all of that every day.  

[jspice]

You’re the mother and wife, not the maid. 
Your children are really young and are already a full time job. 
 

Your husband sounds like an ass and likely won’t listen to any reason no matter how you lay things out. His job gets to end at 5pm. Yours doesn’t. 
 

Anything that requires you to be under furniture or climbing (windows) does not need to be done daily. Your children and their activities take priority. Then errands. Then cleaning. 
 

[BaileyB]

Well, I work a full time job and I still come home and cook, do dishes, and clean my house. 
So does my partner. 

Your husband has absolved himself from any household responsibility and you have conveniently taken on that responsibility. That’s lovely for him, how is that working for you? It’s obviously not, if you are posting looking for suggestions on how to better manage your time or information about how other couples share childcare and household responsibilities. 

I second the statement made above - you are the wife and mother, not the live in maid.

We we are all saying that you don’t have to do all those chores everyday but if you intend to work yourself to the bone trying to meet the unrealistic standard that you have set for yourself - that’s entirely your decision. 

You can chose to have a spotless home and a satisfied husband, or you can chose to take care of yourself and spend time with your children/family such that they have a happy and engaged wife and mother. Without the assistance of your husband or without lowering your expectations, you can’t have both - a spotless home and a happy mother who is fully and happily engaged with her family.

There will always be something to clean… but, your children are only young once and the time you spend cleaning/exhausted when you could be spending time with your children is gone forever… 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Yosemite]

How old is your husband?

Is it you or him who decided that you need to clean the windows and under the bed everyday? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, calmingdays said:

I have his list of daily and weekly chores

 

3 hours ago, calmingdays said:

I clean everything, every day, windows, vacuum everywhere including behind furniture and under beds, dusting, glass, sofas etc, i have to clean every surface and floor daily as well as the usual tasks of kitchen area, bathrooms, tidying, launrdy, ironing, dining area etc . The only things i dont clean daily are inside of our closets, light fixtures on the roof and our gardens, i do them once per week.

I could and have vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom and my partner does not even notice or care. He once told me that we should hire someone to clean the bathroom because they would clean the bathtub, shower tile, and the floor - I said, “honey, what do you think I do every time I clean the bathroom?” His idea of cleaning the bathroom is cleaning the sink and toilet. 

The fact that your husband has made a list of what you should clean daily or weekly and he gets angry if you don’t meet his expectations demonstrates that you have a very uneven power dynamic in your marriage. He feels himself to be quite obviously the head of the household and you, the servant. Is your husband controlling or demanding in other ways?

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Maybe suggest to your husband he should spend one Saturday showing you how to get all of your chores done within his time frame.  Ask him to show you how and you will do it?  You sit back and watch.  Ask him.

I like this plan. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, calmingdays said:

my problem is my husband complains that i clean too much and i dont have time for him

Is this about sex? ie him not getting enough of it...

Different but maybe related.
If you are so busy with these nonsensical cleaning jobs he sets you, then you have no time to cheat on him... There may be method in his madness
 

[elaine567]

“There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.”
― Quentin Crisp

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is this about sex? ie him not getting enough of it...

Perhaps she is too tired for sex… because, she has spent the day moving furniture, cleaning bathrooms, and washing windows. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Perhaps she is too tired for sex every night… because, she has spent the day moving furniture, cleaning bathrooms, and washing windows. 

I guess she is, but the housework may be a means of avoiding intimacy.
He comes home nitpicking as he is frustrated and needs to lash out. Sounds like she does nothing but clean so cleaning is the easy target of his ire...