Housewife duties/chores

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, it's a common but unrealistic expectation that some men have: that their wife should keep the house absolutely immaculate AND be sexy and relaxed and ready for passionate love-making when he enters the door. 

Blunt question: how clueless is your husband about how hard working at home full time can be? The more clueless he is the bigger the challenge you have. But there are ways you can gradually get him to see (if he has a half-way open mind) that he is unrealistic in his expectations. 

BTW: what does "time" with him even mean?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, calmingdays said:

I have his list of daily and weekly chores, i created a schedule to fit them all in as well as parenting, everything i have to do for him and everything else.

This is a parent-child, employer-worker, master-slave dynamic, not a marriage or a partnership. Is this a BDSM situation?

You should not be making spreadsheets with his tyranny protocol and trying to fit your children in between the spaces.

You should under no circumstances kowtow to this nor ask him more about his lists and how to perform them better. (unless this is a master/slave BDSM situation)

You need to do less and less every day. Every day delete more and more stuff off this gestapo list. Do not say anything.

You need to turn the tables. That is your number one job, not scrubbing toilets. With your newly acquired free time, get career training.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BTW: what does "time" with him even mean?

Is “time” code for “sex?”

Or does he want to snuggle and watch the latest episode of the new Netflix drama they just started?

Or maybe, he wants to share his latest work stress and review the chore list for the next day -

I’m assuming that your work ends OP at 8pm when you put your children to bed. But apparently, your work does not end because your husband needs your time and attention. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

He is 45, he has a list of things he wants me to do everyday/week. Its up to me how i do them. I would say is demanding in a way, he likes things done his way i suppose. Im used to it so i just automatically do them. I dont usally speak about our intimacy especially to strangers. But he does get it whenever he wants, usually daily. So i dont think its that. I just think i need to wake earlier to get more done and try to speak to him about the daily things that dont actually need done daily. It was easier before children, and easier when they were babies. He knows i would never cheat on him, but yes i suppose he does like to keep me busy at home. No its not a bdsm relationship! I honestly dont know what he means by time with him, i do everything he asks.  I put my children to bed at 7pm, then usally last minute tidying away and any extra dishes, laundry etc until around 8 pm 

Edited August 5, 2021 by calmingdays

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

i do everything he asks. 

He’s a lucky man. He has everything exactly as he wants it. He has a wife who is willing to get up and start work early so that she can have more time to make him happy at the end of the day… 

Just curious OP, in your attempt to meet everyone else’s needs and keep a spotless home, how well are you meeting your own needs? Where do you fall on the list of priorities? 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

You got to ease your schedule or else you will end up hating him. That hatred and resentment will sneak up on you while you running around doing all this work. 

You got any sisters or relatives or friends could share your situation with. I'm sensing that you married a very traditional guy and you yourself how unrealistic expectations (kids are exhausting). You need some people close by you can talk to. Any women nearby you can share your situation with. 

BTW: all of my friends who had kids--their houses were generally a mess whenever I visited them. Focusing on kids requires a ton of energy, and things on the floor--well that's kids. And cleaning the floor is not the priority. 

You do not need to be working longer and harder. You'll just hate him more. Only get up earlier if you can sneak in some time for YOURSELF! You need to find some time for yourself--time to read or listen to music or exercise--something only for you. If getting up early helps with that, OK. Otherwise, no.  

[calmingdays]

Other woman manage it though. Being a wife and mother is hard work, but other people manage. I dont really know where i fall on my list, i dont really think about it to be honest. I just think about my husband/children, then our home. Not much else. I do sometimes miss working, adult conversation, lunch breaks are a complete luxury now. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Other woman manage it though.

This is what we are saying… other women don’t go to these extremes. I have friends who are stay at home moms - their homes are not clean because they are busy with their children! And they do manage to make time for themselves - they exercise, spend time with friends, etc. 

Other women manage it by setting realistic expectations and prioritizing what is most important - their children, their own mental and physical health, their marriages and their families. Two things that it seems you seem to be struggling to do. 

They also have help from their husband. I don’t know a stay at home mother who’s husband does not participate in childcare and at least some household maintenance and cleaning. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

Do they honestly not clean their homes everyday? Just the minimum? I wish he would help more, which is just silly to be honest because he told me when i was pregnant what he was going to do. I knew he wasnt going to help so i cant complain now. I just dont know what else to do, if i clean like he wants and im not making enough time for him, if i dont clean as much then im not doing enough in the house. I cant win. It never used to bother me, i mean we been married for 12 years since i was 20, i know him and what he wants. Until now i suppose. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

 I cant win. 

That is the entire point of tyrants like this. Stop acting like a doormat.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Do they honestly not clean their homes everyday? 

Of course, they do clean their homes everyday. BUT, they don’t clean everything everyday. They don’t clean all day long. 

There are daily tasks and then there are weekly tasks. Too many of your daily tasks need to be in the weekly column. That’s your problem - move some of those tasks into the weekly column and you will have more time…

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

I want to, i just dont really know how to approach it with him.  I know a lot of what i do daily can be changed to weekly or even twice per week. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I want to, i just dont really know how to approach it with him.  I know a lot of what i do daily can be changed to weekly or even twice per week. 

Why must you discuss it at all? If the two of you have agreed that maintaining the home is your responsibility, he should trust your judgment and let you do what you feel is required. 

If you are in a marriage where you have to get pre-approval when deciding to wash the windows weekly instead of daily then you are in a very controlling relationship…

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, calmingdays said:

 I clean everything, every day, windows, vacuum everywhere including behind furniture and under beds, dusting, glass, sofas etc, i have to clean every surface and floor daily as well as the usual tasks of kitchen area, bathrooms, tidying, launrdy, ironing, dining area etc .

You clean windows, behind furniture, under beds and every floor every single day?  This is excessive and not normal.  Those things do not need to be done every day.  You are wasting a massive amount of time every day that you could be spending with your children or doing other things.  The fact that you feel that you have to do this in order to avoid your husband getting 'angry" is a sign that your marriage is very dysfunctional.  Are you his servant, or are you in a relationship?  Because he's treating you like a servant to the house.  You shouldn't have to slave away at excessive cleaning just for fear of him getting angry.  Do you see how messed up that is?  

[calmingdays]

I dont actually know why i have to discuss it with  him, i just know i do, ive always had to. I mean i do clean a lot, but i also do other things, i play with my children, take them places, do things for my husband. I clean really fast, so it doesnt take every minute of everyday, like its not the only thing i do, around 3 hours in the morning, then a few hours around noon then from dinner time until 8pm usually. I do actually do things with my children, they are my world. 

[SoulCat]

3 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I want to, i just dont really know how to approach it with him.  I know a lot of what i do daily can be changed to weekly or even twice per week. 

Why would you need his input on it? Does he go around the house every night to check under the beds and behind the sofa to see if you vacuumed there? If so, you have a very controlling husband and far bigger problems. 

Can you not figure out a workable middle ground between doing the bare minimum, and cleaning the whole house top to bottom every day?  Getting up even earlier is madness, you are going to grind yourself into the ground. 

As other posters mentioned, where is your 'you time'? What do you do for fun? To unwind? To get away from the daily grind as a devoted wife and mother? 

Your husband has got quite the cushty deal;  a wife who takes care of the kids, scrubs the home  squeeky clean each and every day, and daily sex on top. Which, going by how you describe it, you also seem to view as chore or as a duty as the wife.

Your husband needs to step up and either help you out more, or cut you a whole load of slack. But I'm guessing he won't, either because you are too scared to confront him, or he likes life the way it is and doesn't want to change it.

I hope you stand up for yourself.

[ShyViolet]

4 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

 I clean really fast, so it doesnt take every minute of everyday, like its not the only thing i do, around 3 hours in the morning, then a few hours around noon then from dinner time until 8pm usually.

By this estimate you are cleaning your house for.... let's say.... 6 hours a day?  That is CRAZY, no one does that.  No one except professional maids or janitors.  You need to realize that your husband is very controlling and treating you like a servant.  If it wasn't a problem then you wouldn't have started this post.  Obviously something is out of balance here.  Life is short and your kids are only young once.  There are much more worthy things to be spending 6 hours a day doing than unnecessary cleaning.

[calmingdays]

And like i said before, i tried to talk to him about it before and he basically said he gets his work done within his hour, so why shouldnt i, hes right, he doesnt bring his work home, he finishes on time. I should too, i try to aim to be finshed by 7pm when i put my children to bed, so i have the rest of the night to spend with him. Thats why i was thinking about getting up at 4am instead of 5. That gives me 2 hours before he and the kids wake up. But most people on here dont seem to think that's a good idea. 

[ShyViolet]

Getting up at 4am just to clean things that don't even need to be cleaned?  Does that really sound like a good idea to you?

The reason you are not getting all this cleaning done in the time allotted is because you have a ridiculous and unreasonable amount of tasks on your list.  Stop cleaning the windows, under the beds and behind all the furniture every day.  That can be done like once a week.  Are you sure you don't have some OCD yourself when it comes to cleaning?  I suspect that this is part of it.

 

[calmingdays]

I want to stop. I just cant, ive been doing this list since we got married, i dont even need to look at my schedule. Hes used to me doing it and will notice if i just stop. If he sees me doing less than usual he isnt happy. But hes not happy with me cleaning so much. Funny thing, i used to hate cleaning before i met him, typical 20 year old i guess. Married quick then suddenly im a housewife. Tonight, actually thinking about everything over the last 12 years, is intense, i didnt expect to be given all of this help or opinions.

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Hes used to me doing it and will notice if i just stop. If he sees me doing less than usual he isnt happy. But hes not happy with me cleaning so much.

He can’t have it both ways. What he is asking you to do is unreasonable and shows little respect for all that you do. 

Does he at least let you have weekends off?

Of course, he’s not going to be happy if you just stop. You have agreed to a certain set of expectations and he’s not going to be pleased if you suddenly voice an opinion and make a change. That’s the thing with controlling husbands - they don’t appreciate it when their authority is challenged and they don’t get their way. 

You are in a tough spot - continue to try and meet your husbands demands or make a change and risk rocking his boat. In another marriage, as I said above, my partner wouldn’t even notice - let alone care - if I changed the cleaning schedule. But, apparently your does and that is a problem for you. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

That's why im trying to figure out a way to be quicker/get more done. He cant have it both ways but he expects it. If the house isnt done his way he can be terrible. He'll not speak to any of us, storm around and usually end up locking himself in his office for the rest of the night angry at me. I dont want him to have to do that because i cant do my job. Hes not controlling, he just, i dont know, likes things his way. Most men are like that arent they. He gets stressed, and i dont want him to be stressed because of me. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by calmingdays

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Getting up at 4am just to clean things that don't even need to be cleaned?  Does that really sound like a good idea to you?

The day that I get up at 4am to clean my house is… never. 

OMG. 

This is either an obsessive need to clean, or a very controlling husband. Or both. 

How exactly are you going to spend time with your husband when you are falling asleep at 9pm? 

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Stop cleaning the windows, under the beds and behind all the furniture every day.  That can be done like once a week.

I’m not going to lie - these are monthly tasks for me. I don’t move furniture every time I vacuum. Windows, twice a year. My house is very clean. But of all the tasks that need to be done, these are the lowest of the low priorities… I can’t imagine doing them daily, or even weekly! 

I have far better things to do with my time…

Edited August 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

I have a smaller list at the weekends, just the usual small daily tasks and , i do the inside of the closets, the gardens and the light fixtures. So not as muchto do. He is off work on the weekends so we get more time together

Edited August 5, 2021 by calmingdays