ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted August 7, 2021 Share Posted August 7, 2021 I had to stop reading as of Thursday night posts. This is one of the most depressing sounding relationships/situations to me. I do not mean any disrespect and I am not intending to hurt your feelings. from what I’ve read I feel like you are stuck in almost an abusive cycle of fear, self-inflicted pain and a hellish Sisyphean existence. I truly hope you and your husband can find a better and more equitable way so share the load so you are not working yourself to the bone, rising at 4am (if you start getting up earlier) to chase dust bunnies. Best wishes. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 9, 2021 Share Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) On 8/5/2021 at 11:02 PM, calmingdays said: That's why im trying to figure out a way to be quicker/get more done. He cant have it both ways but he expects it. If the house isnt done his way he can be terrible. He'll not speak to any of us, storm around and usually end up locking himself in his office for the rest of the night angry at me. I dont want him to have to do that because i cant do my job. Hes not controlling, he just, i dont know, likes things his way. Most men are like that arent they. He gets stressed, and i dont want him to be stressed because of me. He's not ? He is throwing tantrums and being angry with you. He is going off and ignoring you. These are all behaviours to punish you emotionally and make you fearful. They are controlling. Of course he likes things his way, everyone does, but we don't expect it all to be perfect. We realise we are human and that our partner is human. It is not that you 'can't do your job'; you are doing more than your job. You are a house slave and seem to accept it. Instead of seeing your husband's schedules as controlling and unreasonable, you are justifying what he does. You are trapped in his way of thinking and cannot see how unhealthy this is. You need to draw a line in the sand about how much work you do in the house. Do not try to fit everything in because it is on his list. Why the hell has he given you a list anyway? I'm sure you are capable of knowing what really needs to be done and what can be left for a while. While all this is going on, it sounds like you must have little time for your children. They see a mother panicking about getting the housework done. Is that good for them? What are you afraid your husband will do if you stand up to him and impose your own, more reasonable, housework schedule? Edited August 9, 2021 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 9, 2021 Share Posted August 9, 2021 Dear mama, I hope you can see that he is going to be unhappy with you no matter what you do. Just the fact that you are considering waking up at 4 a.m. . . . someone who is emotionally healthy would never want his partner to do that. Would you want your husband not to get enough sleep? And if there were some emergency situation where he had to do that, wouldn't you be so sympathetic towards him and trying to make his life easier if you could? The fact that he doesn't see you that way is because he has a problem, not you. Nothing you do is going to make him happy because the secret of life is that it's our own job to be content, knowing that we can't control other people. Your husband lets you believe it's your fault that he's unhappy and then he gets to pretend he's a victim, but he's not, he's a persecutor with a capital P. I don't know why, but a therapist can help you with this. I'd read up on narcissism. In a healthy relationship, your partner would say, "I so appreciate how much you work for our family. But I feel sad because I miss spending time with you. How can we take things off your plate so we can spend more time together?" In a healthy relationship, your partner would never ever threaten to use your children as a pawn to keep you in the relationship. Love, that's abuse. That's just not OK. I know you've been telling yourself that it's not so bad so you can survive, but even though you work 14 hour days it's still not enough. It will never be enough because the rage inside of him needs an outlet. What kind of support (friends, family) do you have outside of your marriage? My friend was in a marriage like yours, and she got out. She secretly moved out with the kids while he was out of the house. As a mama bear, start trying to think of one or two things you could do just in case of the worst case scenario. Copies of important documents in the car or with a friend, that kind of thing. I know your brain is saying, "It's really not that bad" right now. Maybe. But it's really not that great either. And you're allowed to aim for great. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 9, 2021 Share Posted August 9, 2021 I now feel this is a more abusive relationship than I first thought. Your husband has threatened to take the children away from you and I can see from your writing that you know he means it. This is a threat at a deep level. He made this threat and planted it in your head because he knows this is how he controls you. It sounds like you have slowly and gradually accepted more control from him and now you are finding his demands impossible to meet unless you compromise your own health and sanity. You must feel very trapped. Some people make threats and they don't mean them or you know they are unlikely to carry them out, but I get the impression you know your husband is not one of these people, that he will carry out this threat whatever the cost. This is a sign of a dangerously abusive man. It is up to you how you go forward now. It sounds like you are thinking about just coping. That is one option, but marriages don't tend to get better as they go along - people get tired, bored, weighted down with responsibilities, some get picky and some become uncaring. With love, one hopes these things do not happen but I am not getting the impression there is much love in your marriage. It is a contract, a deal, and the underlying basis of it is that you should comply at all costs. If you have been living in this situation as long as you have, it is understandable that you would now feel confused and frightened at hearing that others find it strange or abusive. It is a lot to come to terms with. Honestly, I feel for you and your dilemma. One should always take an abusive man seriously and plan carefully to get away from them. Choosing to continue with someone like that must be difficult too and it is causing you stress. Please consider looking up 'Stockholm Syndrome'. It is a psychological state that people become trapped in when with abusers. Something to think about anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted August 9, 2021 Share Posted August 9, 2021 Here is what you do: -Tomorrow, wake up WITH your kids and bring them to bed with you for snuggles and laughs. - make breakfast for kids and leave dishes in the sink. -Go shopping, play with your kids, watch a tv show and have a snack. -put your feet up and talk with a friend or mom on the phone. -Have dinner and play with your kids more. -Then you can tidy up a bit. -go to bed with a book or a tv show Don’t ‘ask’ for permission to do anything. You’re a grown ass woman in a free country. Look for a pt job so you don’t completely lose yourself doing mindless, THANKLESS work that you’re not even getting paid for. it’s clear that you’re ‘wary’ of him, so talk with a friend or your mom for advice. Don’t ask him for permission to do anything. That’s ridiculous. When he comes home mad that the house is a mess, tell him you didn’t feel like cleaning today. What’s he going to do? Ground you? Send you to bed without dinner? What does your husband do for you other than work and bring home money? Does he make you feel loved? Do you have fun together? Do you enjoy spending time together? Does he make you feel safe? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 Oh my lord. I'm not going to sugar coat this... You need to get the f*** out of there. NOW. You don't need to "arrange your schedule better" or "spend more time with your husband" or even "stop cleaning the windows every day" (although I must say the latter is a really good idea...). You need to call an abuse hotline as soon as he leaves for work tomorrow morning, and ask if there is a safe place where you can go with your kids and get legal advice. Then you need to take your kids and go there. Tomorrow morning. You three are likely going to end up on the newspaper headlines otherwise. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author calmingdays Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 Thank you everyone for your help and advice. I spoke to him about the schedule and he agreed to change somethings to weekly instead of daily. It has made a big difference, i feel like i can stop and breathe a bit better. Im still waking up at 5am but im finished for the day around 7pm which is better. I think he realised that letting me do some things weekly instead of daily has given me more time in the evenings with him. Ive still to talk to him about going back to work part time, just not ready to do that yet. I just thought I'd let you know, as a lot of people have taken the time to comment and offer advice. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 11, 2021 Share Posted August 11, 2021 Everything you just typed tells me that he's still 100% in charge. He "lets" you do something. This makes me sad. Please read up on control and emotional abuse. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted August 11, 2021 Share Posted August 11, 2021 (edited) I really hope you can gain some autonomy and control over your life. You sound like a very hardworking and lovely person. From what you have shared, it seems like your husband has stripped you of your confidence, sense of self and agency. It would probably be good if you could get into therapy to get advice on how to achieve the goals you have for yourself, like a part time job, without putting yourself in harm’s way. I am sure you’re husband has some redeeming characteristics, but from the outsider’s view, it seems you are isolated, perhaps intentionally. He sets the rules, makes demanding lists and seems to be against you working. This puts you at immense risk should you want to leave the marriage one day. I am not advocating that you do that, though when I started reading your thread, I felt immense relief and happiness I was not in your shoes and am living alone with my happy dog. I hope you can surround yourself with family and friends, build a support network and some outside interests, and start earning income of hour own. I also wish your husband would take a week off work, run the house, fulfill the lists he makes for you and take care of the children entirely on his own — while you are at a spa or some other retreat (with covid safety measures, of course). Wish you the best. Edited August 11, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author calmingdays Posted August 11, 2021 Author Share Posted August 11, 2021 I know most of you wont understand, but its a step in the right direction, He actually listened to me. I cant just leave him, 12 years of my life, 2 children. If i leave he will either completely take then from me or he will get then at least half of the week, and i cant loose them or be away from them for that long. Its not as simple as just packing up and leaving. Im still reading over everything said here and slowly realising whats going on, but like i said i cant just leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 11, 2021 Share Posted August 11, 2021 2 hours ago, calmingdays said: If i leave he will either completely take then from me or he will get then at least half of the week. i cant just leave. Have you gotten a free consultation with an attorney simply to answer this question in your jurisdiction? Perhaps you could research custody arrangements for your jurisdiction or a trusted friend or family could find out for you. For example if there's abuse you could get full custody with only limited supervised visitation for him. Accurate Information is your friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 11, 2021 Share Posted August 11, 2021 9 hours ago, calmingdays said: I know most of you wont understand, but its a step in the right direction, He actually listened to me. I cant just leave him, 12 years of my life, 2 children. If i leave he will either completely take then from me or he will get then at least half of the week, and i cant loose them or be away from them for that long. Its not as simple as just packing up and leaving. Im still reading over everything said here and slowly realising whats going on, but like i said i cant just leave. Oh FFS. This is an empty threat - there is no way he can legally "completely take them from you", and it's extremely unlikely that he will WANT to take them all the time... or even half the time. People who don't parent their own children don't all of a sudden gain the desire to do so after a divorce. He's going to absolutely balk at the thought of having to spend his evenings bathing his kids and cooking for them and putting them to bed. If you do leave and stand firm in your decision, there's a 99% chance that you will end up with sole custody and him paying child support. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 11, 2021 Share Posted August 11, 2021 21 hours ago, calmingdays said: Thank you everyone for your help and advice. I spoke to him about the schedule and he agreed to change somethings to weekly instead of daily. It has made a big difference, i feel like i can stop and breathe a bit better. Im still waking up at 5am but im finished for the day around 7pm which is better. I think he realised that letting me do some things weekly instead of daily has given me more time in the evenings with him. Ive still to talk to him about going back to work part time, just not ready to do that yet. I just thought I'd let you know, as a lot of people have taken the time to comment and offer advice. You're still waking up at 5am just to get all the housework done that he's forcing you to do? He is "letting" you do some things weekly now? It's sad that you don't seem to have learned much from the good advice that people have given you here. I can't believe in 2021 anyone still has a husband who "lets" them do things and doesn't "let" them do things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted August 12, 2021 Share Posted August 12, 2021 On 8/8/2021 at 8:15 PM, spiderowl said: If the house isnt done his way he can be terrible. He'll not speak to any of us, storm around and usually end up locking himself in his office for the rest of the night angry at me. I dont want him to have to do that because i cant do my job. Hes not controlling, he just, i dont know, likes things his way. Most men are like that arent they. What the f***? He IS controlling and abusive. He is the epitome of controlling. Jesus. Tell him if he likes things his way he can live by his damn self. Seriously, WHY DO YOU TOLERATE THIS ABUSE? No, most men are not like this. Is this what he has told you most men are like? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 12, 2021 Share Posted August 12, 2021 (edited) On 8/11/2021 at 7:42 AM, calmingdays said: I know most of you wont understand, but its a step in the right direction, He actually listened to me. I cant just leave him, 12 years of my life, 2 children. If i leave he will either completely take then from me or he will get then at least half of the week, and i cant loose them or be away from them for that long. Its not as simple as just packing up and leaving. Im still reading over everything said here and slowly realising whats going on, but like i said i cant just leave. I can appreciate your fears, calmingdays. It is not simple and it is not something any of us would ordinarily want to do. However, it seems like you are in a very confined, controlled situation with your husband. I don't know if you find it scary or not. You shouldn't have to work all those long hours in order to keep your husband in a reasonable mood. It is an abusive situation. While you might not want to leave at the moment, it may be of benefit to you to find out what the legal situation would be and also to sound out the local women's shelters. You can do this confidentially and some legal places give free 30-minute consultations. At least you would know your options. Take care of yourself and do post here if you want to. It gives you a sounding board and some alternative opinions. Edited August 12, 2021 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midget Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 On 8/11/2021 at 2:42 AM, calmingdays said: I know most of you wont understand, but its a step in the right direction, He actually listened to me. I cant just leave him, 12 years of my life, 2 children. If i leave he will either completely take then from me or he will get then at least half of the week, and i cant loose them or be away from them for that long. Its not as simple as just packing up and leaving. Im still reading over everything said here and slowly realising whats going on, but like i said i cant just leave. He won't take the children. Who would take care of them? Clean up after them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author calmingdays Posted October 14, 2021 Author Share Posted October 14, 2021 I dont know if anyone will read this but i wanted to update, for my own thoughts more than anything else. After discussing doing less daily chores, i waited a while before broaching the subject of going back to work part time once my youngest started school. It did not go down well, he straight out told me i wasnt going back to work and never will. I have never seen him so serious. You all were right that he wouldnt let me. I re read this entire post the next day and started making plans to leave him. After everything i gave up and did for him, he broke his promise to me. I couldnt believe it. It took a while but i managed to leave with the kids. Im a bit lost sometimes, still struggling with my 'new' way of life but i do feel happier mostly. He wasnt/isnt happy with me but he is seeing the children every Saturday for the day which is good. They seem to be having a good time with him. I have found part time work, not accounting but in the same sort of field. Not sure if anyone who previously posted will read this but i just wanted to say thank you x 6 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 14, 2021 Share Posted October 14, 2021 @calmingdays Yes, I remember you well. Thank you so much for the update. I'm so proud of you for making this move and finding your freedom again, and delighted that you have kept primary custody of the children and gotten a job. Go you! Tell me, what are you doing with all the extra time now that you're not forced to do ridiculous amounts of cleaning? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 14, 2021 Share Posted October 14, 2021 6 minutes ago, calmingdays said: he straight out told me i wasnt going back to work and never will. It took a while but i managed to leave with the kids. I have found part time work, not accounting but in the same sort of field. Excellent. You made the right move leaving with your children and following a good life plan. Best of luck to you in your new endeavors. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author calmingdays Posted October 14, 2021 Author Share Posted October 14, 2021 Thank you, its been really hard work. I miss my old life sometimes but even i can see how much happier my children are. I hate that i couldnt see it before. Im mostly spending time with the children and studying. My family arent very happy with me, they dont want a single mother as a daughter. But hopefully they will come around. X 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 15, 2021 Share Posted October 15, 2021 5 hours ago, calmingdays said: It took a while but i managed to leave with the kids. Im a bit lost sometimes, still struggling with my 'new' way of life but i do feel happier mostly. I do remember your situation well. Honestly, I'm very proud of you. You did the right thing. Good for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted October 15, 2021 Share Posted October 15, 2021 Yes I second ShyViolet. Well done in standing up for yourself and your children. You can now create a life that you and your children want and deserve, and have control over decisions big and small. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 On 10/14/2021 at 3:51 PM, calmingdays said: It took a while but i managed to leave with the kids. Hugs. Wishing you and your children well. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 On 10/14/2021 at 3:57 PM, basil67 said: Tell me, what are you doing with all the extra time now that you're not forced to do ridiculous amounts of cleaning? Sounds like she is actually living life, which is wonderful… Good for you OP! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 On 10/14/2021 at 10:00 PM, calmingdays said: Thank you, its been really hard work. I miss my old life sometimes but even i can see how much happier my children are. I hate that i couldnt see it before. Im mostly spending time with the children and studying. My family arent very happy with me, they dont want a single mother as a daughter. But hopefully they will come around. X Hopefully they want a happier daughter and grandkids, which seems is what's happening. Well done for leaving! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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