Housewife duties/chores

[basil67]

You're right that he probably won't do more - that's something which you're unlikely to be able to change.  But what you can change is how much work you are willing to accept him putting on you.   I would say that if he works, say a 9h day, then you should only be expected to work that much too.   And I say this including time spent with children, cooking and cleaning.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're right that he probably won't do more - that's something which you're unlikely to be able to change.  But what you can change is how much work you are willing to accept him putting on you.   I would say that if he works, say a 9h day, then you should only be expected to work that much too.   And I say this including time spent with children, cooking and cleaning.

And, I say that if he doesn’t do any work around the home on the weekends - you shouldn’t be doing any cleaning around the home on the weekends. Spend time with your children as a family. Rest. 

[calmingdays]

I want to. So much. I should just ask him shouldn't I? Why am i so hesitant about it. He will probably say no. But i need to try i suppose. If he would let me change the lists it would make a lot of things so much easier 

[basil67]

This isn't about asking his permission, it's about telling him how it will be from here on in.

[calmingdays]

That's easier said then done for someone whos never done it before

[calmingdays]

I'm sorry, that sounded rude. I really do appreciate everything you have said basil67. And i will think about everything you have suggested. Thank you for taking the time to speak to me, it has helped

[glows]

41 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

That's easier said then done for someone whos never done it before

You can try it out and see how it suits you. He will take advantage of you as he has for 12 years and brainwash you really into believing you’re not good enough. Changing that perception or how you view yourself is immensely hard. It means changing the way you believe in your reality and also being willing to make decisions for the first time in your best interests. 

All of this is part of growing older/wiser. You don’t need to be cruel or escalate the issue as I mentioned earlier. But you do need to learn to negotiate and find middle ground. You live in that house too.

Edited August 6, 2021 by glows

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

That's easier said then done for someone whos never done it before

No offense taken.  It's about you having a good hard think about what YOU think is reasonable, making a plan and holding your ground.   Also, part of the plan will be how you deal with his disapproval.   Feel free to chat with us about determining what is reasonable, how to phrase it and dealing with his reaction.

[basil67]

Another option is to simply stop doing the things which he won't notice.  High traffic areas will obviously need doing, but bedrooms or a study will probably only need vacuuming weekly.  And he'd likely never notice if you didn't do inside the wardrobe.   Light coloured surfaces need dusting less often than dark surfaces.  Drying the shower would shine it up nice and give it a proper clean once a week.  Fingerprints on windows would need doing, but not protected windows in good weather.    See where I'm going with this?  

[calmingdays]

I could try and do those things during the day when hes at work, ive tried to do less in the morning and at night  so that i have more time for him,  but he complains that im not doing enough. So keep doing what im doing morning and night and try to stop doing the things he might not notice throughout the day so i get a break and more time with my children

[calmingdays]

In the morning between 5am and around 8am i clean mostly downstairs, i do the windows, vacuuming, dusting, wood panels, basebaords, the downstairs bathroom, clean down rhe sofas, I also get everyones clothes ready for the day, make breakfast, make my husbands lunch for work, do some laundry then clean the kitchen. I dont really know what out of that list i can stop doing? Any ideas? 

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, calmingdays said:

Funny you say that, he always jokes with me that we have a 1950s marriage when woman were property and werent allowed pockets. 

His running joke over the years. 

Yes and he no doubt thinks it is hilarious, but the joke is on you.
You are the joke.
He has set up a very nice easy life for himself, whilst you work your fingers to the bone...
Wake up.

[calmingdays]

I dont think im a joke. I try my best. He works hard at the office too. I do understand from all of you that most likely work harder, maybe too hard, i just dont know how to slow down without him noticing. Ive been thinking about this all morning as ive been doing my chores, thinking about what can actually be left to do weekly instead of daily. Im writing a list of things i believe dont need to do done daily. I dont know whether to show him it and try to talk to him about it or just stop doing them daily and hope he doesnt notice. 

[basil67]

Oh sweetie, I think the phrase got lost in translation   @elaine567 is very kind and I'm sure she didn't mean that you are a joke.  It's more about how his "joke" is your hardship.   And that his joke isn't the slightest bit funny because you have absolutely no say in your life.

1 hour ago, calmingdays said:

I could try and do those things during the day when hes at work, ive tried to do less in the morning and at night  so that i have more time for him,  but he complains that im not doing enough. So keep doing what im doing morning and night and try to stop doing the things he might not notice throughout the day so i get a break and more time with my children

This is problematic.  On what grounds does he say that you're not doing enough?   Is he actively looking for dirt or is he mad that you're sitting still?   (the answer to this will also help us talk through how you could best deal with this).

I've got a few questions: Do you feel that he respects you and your needs?   If the answer is No, then my next question is about whether or not you love or respect him.  Seriously, how do you feel when he makes all these demands which an average stay at home mom would find completely over the top?  

Also, was your mom living the same life you are?  If so, it could be how you came to believe that this is somewhat normal and that husbands are generally a firm lead.

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

dont think im a joke. I try my best.

I don't doubt you are trying your best.
But he thinks you are a gullible fool who is there to do his bidding.
He says "Jump" you say "How high?" and you spend the rest of the time working out how you could possibly meet his expectations.
Bringing home the bacon is not the hard job you think it is...
He has a very nice life treating you like a slave whilst he hardly lifts a finger.

Your poor kids too...

Edited August 6, 2021 by elaine567

[calmingdays]

I guess he doesnt like when im sitting still mostly. I do feel he respects me, just maybe not as much when it comes to equal say in things. I love him and respect him so much, its hurts when he cant see it. I dont really feel anything when he does it. Its been like this for years so im used to it, i suppose its getting a bit harder now the children are getting older (they tend to make more mess, which he hates). In the past he never used to be angry when i did less, i would always make up for it the next day. I still do, anything that i dont get done one day i will do the next. I suppose my parents were similar, my mother was home with us until we left home. 

My children are happy, i do a lot with them. I dont understand what you mean by my poor kids...

Edited August 6, 2021 by calmingdays

[elaine567]

How did you meet your husband?
There is a 13 year gap, did you always see yourself as a SAHM?
Ambitions?

[calmingdays]

I met him when i was in university studying accounting, i did an intetnship in his building

[calmingdays]

I always wanted children, but i wanted to work part time as well. Im hoping i can go back once my youngest starts school. I've always wanted to be an accountant (not very exciting i know) i got my degree, worked part time for a few years before i quit for the kids. Would love to go back, but i think ive been away too long. 

[jspice]

15 hours ago, calmingdays said:

In the morning between 5am and around 8am i clean mostly downstairs, i do the windows, vacuuming, dusting, wood panels, basebaords, the downstairs bathroom, clean down rhe sofas, I also get everyones clothes ready for the day, make breakfast, make my husbands lunch for work, do some laundry then clean the kitchen. I dont really know what out of that list i can stop doing? Any ideas? 

You could stop doing windows, sofas and baseboards. 
I assume the downstairs bathroom is kind of a guest bathroom which isn’t used daily? That doesn’t need deep cleaning every day. A quick wipe of the sink and toilet. Done. 
 

I assume your husband putting out his own clothes is out. 
 

How many times a day do you clean the kitchen? 

Edited August 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[calmingdays]

The children leave finger prints over the downstairs windows, we all use the downstairs bathroom so ot need cleaned daily. I put out everyones clothes each day, And i clean my kitchen 3 times per day, with each meal. Which needs done 

[Crazelnut]

The problem is not how to do more in less time. The problem is how to get you to recognize that his expectations for you are 100% completely unreasonable. NOBODY does the daily level of cleaning that you do.  Go google Daily Weekly Cleaning Schedule. Those are reasonable standards. Your husband's standards are ridiculous. 

But let's talk for a minute about your marriage. Why are you ok with being treated like a slave? Why does HE get the final word on everything? In fact, why does he get the ONLY word on everything? Why did you just completely give up yourself? Why are you afraid to question his law? I'll tell you why -- because you have low self esteem, and he's a control freak. He gets angry when you don't do exactly what he says. He keeps you on a really short leash. Don't you want to enjoy your life? You sound miserable. He is never going to "allow" you to work part time when the kids are in school. You realize that, right? He wants you home scrubbing the toilets. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[ASG]

6 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

What is so hard to believe about someone who cleans all day? I came for some advice on how to approach him to change it or manage my time better. Not for sympathy. What i do is normal to an extent. Its hardly insane. 

The thing here is that he is not your boss, so you don't need to approach him aboutwhat/how you clean. 

Why exactly do the baseboards need cleaning daily?! 

 

We ARE trying to give you advice. The advice is that you should stop doing some of the cleaning you do, daily. And that you should stop doing it at weekends, apart from those basic things, like cleaning the kitchen after meals. Because you also need days off. If your husband gets them, then so should you. 

And you don't need to tell your husband about it. The house will still be clean, I'm sure! It's not like you're going to stop doing everything. 

What is happening here is that you don't like the advice you've been given. But that's not something we can do anything about... Because you've been brainwashed to believe what you are doing is normal when it kinda isn't. Doing some cleaning every day when you're a SAHM is absolutely normal! Moving furniture to vaccuum every day is not. Nor is having to tell your husband whether you're doing X Y or Z, as it pertains to the cleaning of the house. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, calmingdays said:

In the morning between 5am and around 8am i clean mostly downstairs, i do the windows, vacuuming, dusting, wood panels, basebaords, the downstairs bathroom, clean down rhe sofas, I also get everyones clothes ready for the day, make breakfast, make my husbands lunch for work, do some laundry then clean the kitchen. I dont really know what out of that list i can stop doing? Any ideas? 

How do you possibly do this all in that amount of time?

What would happen if you decided to get a part time job when your children are in school? Could you hire a cleaner?

[calmingdays]

I didnt completely give myself up. Yes ive sacrificed some things. But for my children. I do have a say in some things, its just that theres a lot of things that i dont need to be involved in. Im not completely silent. And i do like the adivce ive been given, its actually given me so much to think about today, things ive never thought of. I appreciate every single person whos commented on this, taking their time to reply to me. I dont want anyone to think im not listeneing because i am. Like i said ive been doing this for years, its a hard thing to try to change overnight.