Housewife duties/chores

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

we all use the downstairs bathroom so ot need cleaned daily.

We all use the downstairs bathroom too - it gets cleaned weekly. 
If you must, wipe the sink and tidy everyday. Don’t clean everyday. That’s unnecessary. Much of what you clean everyday is really unnecessary. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I do have a say in some things

Obviously not if you are worried about talking to your husband about this and afraid that he will become angry. 

Quote

If he would let me change the lists it would make a lot of things so much easier 

This is not something a woman who felt respected by her husband and had some control of her life would say. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

I know a lot of what i do is unnecessary everyday. Thats why i need to either talk to him about it or just stop doing certain things and hope he doesnt notice. Im taking everything people are saying and suggesting to heart, i promise. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, calmingdays said:

Thats why i need to either talk to him about it or just stop doing certain things and hope he doesnt notice.

Let’s say he disagrees or notices that you haven’t cleaned the bathroom and gets angry - what would he say/do? Do you have to respond, or could you calmly and firmly hold your ground such that he would eventually get over it and go on with his life?

[calmingdays]

I honestly dont know, ive never not cleaned before. So i dont know. I hope he would understand that not everything needs done every day. But i think he would probably be stressed about it. Hes hates mess. 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I honestly dont know, ive never not cleaned before. So i dont know. I hope he would understand that not everything needs done every day. But i think he would probably be stressed about it. Hes hates mess. 

He would get over it. 

Also - there is mess and then there is an obsessive need to clean. We pick up every night so the house is not messy. I clean the kitchen every day. When you walk into my house, it’s clean and tidy. I do not clean the bathrooms, vacuum, and wipe the baseboards everyday. That’s not mess. 

Why are you tiptoeing around the man? Are you placing these unreasonable expectations on yourself? Or are you really that afraid of his response?

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[clia]

I honestly don't think this is all on the husband.  OP seems to have an obsession with cleaning.  I mean, does this man get home from work and inspect every baseboard, window, and surface in the house for dust?  Is he looking under beds for a mess?  Is he moving furniture to make sure there are fresh vacuum marks behind it?  I mean, sure, clean the high traffic areas.  Do dishes and wipe counters after a meal.  Wipe down the bathroom sinks.  Sweep or vacuum if something is spilled.  Clean the doorwall if there are fingerprints on it.  But I have yet to hear any reason why every surface in the house needs to be cleaned on a daily basis.  Dust and dirt does not even develop that fast.  And there are five pages of posts from women all over the world on this thread telling her that no one does that.  

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, clia said:

I mean, does this man get home from work and inspect every baseboard, window, and surface in the house for dust?  Is he looking under beds for a mess?  Is he moving furniture to make sure there are fresh vacuum marks behind it? 

If he is, that’s a different kind of problem. 

14 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I honestly dont know, ive never not cleaned before. So i dont know. I hope he would understand that not everything needs done every day.

This seems to indicate that she is placing these expectations on herself - she doesn’t know what his response would be because she’s always done it. Perhaps, he is telling her to stop cleaning in the evening and spend time with the family because she is not able to find that balance herself. 

[calmingdays]

He gives me the list of things he needs me to do each day. Most of them are unnecessary to do everyday. But i have to do them. I only want to be able to do less without him being angry and stressed. Yes, i like a clean home but to a certain extent. Not like this. I do place expectations on myself because if i dont do everything then our night is not going to go well. I want to talk to him about doing less daily tasks, i just dont know how to do it, ive never said no before. I know most people seem to think im doing this to myself or something but im not. He doesnt check everywhere ive cleaned while hes been at work but he does ask me what ive gotten done and if ive not done everything theres always questions as to why not. Im going to try to finish by 7pm from now on and see if he is any happier with me stopping then 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

if i dont do everything then our night is not going to go well.

How so? 

3 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

He gives me the list of things he needs me to do each day. Most of them are unnecessary. I have to do them.

Why? 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

he does ask me what ive gotten done and if ive not done everything theres always questions as to why not.

The answer is - it didn’t need to be done or I was busy doing other things… I didn’t get to it… 

You are an intelligent woman. Why do you need your husband to tell you what needs to be done in the home everyday? Why does he feel the need to do this? 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

Because he endeds up angry, gets annoyed with me then usually goes to his homeoffice for the whole night leaving me alone. Then its my fault thay we dont get time together.  So its not worth not doing it. He wants things done and i do them. That's the way its always been, i dont expect everyone to understand. I was only looking for advice on how to talk to him about it or find a way to do more. From what people have suggested, i cant do much more so i have no choice but to do less. I need to speak to him about it. He likes things his way which is why he feels the need to do it. I dont expect it to change hes always been like this. I just hope he is willing to listen to me about the things that dont need done daily 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Because he endeds up angry, gets annoyed with me then usually goes to his homeoffice for the whole night leaving me alone.

I would take full advantage of the extra time to do my own thing. Honestly, I would pour myself a glass of wine and have a bath. Or watch my own television show. Or go for a walk. If he wants to spend time together, he can change his behavior. I would not be rewarding this kind of behavior. 

6 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

He likes things his way

And you have always conceded. He has trained you well.

He may like things his way, but he is obviously not concerned enough to contribute around the house. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[jspice]

Based on what you write here you are being abused. 
I’m not one to rush to label people or situations here but this is not normal or healthy. 

[calmingdays]

He always makes it feel like my fault. I cant enjoy myself when hes mad at me in another room. I know he likes things his way, ive done it his way so long that i dont know any other way to do it. I have noted all of the suggestions on here. I have written a list of things that i feel only need done weekly instead of daily. I will show him tonight and see if he will agree to it. 

[BaileyB]

Calmingdays, last week my partner asked me to pick something up for the house. I had other plans that day, and I had my own jobs to do to keep the house clean and running. He decided that he was busy with a project, and he felt that his project was more important than what I had planned to do… he did not ask me, he told me in a rather entitled way that I needed to go and get this particular thing. I declined, and he was annoyed with me. I would have driven to pick it up if he agreed to get groceries and clean the house - but, he wasn’t offering that. So, I left him alone for a while… He decided on another plan and he got over it. No big deal… life goes on. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

He always makes it feel like my fault.

That’s what controlling and abusive people do…

6 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

I cant enjoy myself when hes mad at me in another room.

That’s your decision, not his. He can’t make you feel badly without your consent. Look - I like harmony in my relationship too. I don’t like my partner to be angry and annoyed. But, I’m not going to dismiss my own needs and feelings to please him - not every time. There needs to be some kind of boundary. There are two people in this relationship, both deserve to be happy and have quality of life. 

If harmony and quality time together is what he wants in his relationship - you both need to work towards a compromise, more balance in your lives. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[calmingdays]

He is right, It is my fault. Him saying its my fault is one thing but everyone on here saying it as well is another. Im obviously not doing this right. I dont know what more im supposed to do. He obviously needs more from me at night. Probably just do what i said in the beginning and get up earlier. Thank you for your insights and suggestions, I wont take up anymore of your time. Thank you

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, calmingdays said:

Everyone on here saying it as well is another. Im obviously not doing this right. I dont know what more im supposed to do. He obviously needs more from me at night. Probably just do what i said in the beginning and get up earlier.

Nobody on this site has said it’s your fault. There is no fault here - you are not doing anything “wrong.”

What has been suggested is that you need to have better boundaries with your husband, you need to have realistic expectations, and you need to prioritize what is most important - which is time with your children and your family. Getting up earlier to work more is not the answer - not one single person has suggested that this is a good idea. But, if that is how you plan to resolve this conflict with your husband - to do more, exhaust yourself more, sacrifice more - then you’ve really missed the point of this whole discussion…

Edited August 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[clia]

I think most people here are just suggesting that you talk to him about this and establish some boundaries for yourself.  But it seems like you aren't open to doing that and would rather get up at 4 a.m. to deep clean your house?  Are you afraid of your husband?  

[Crazelnut]

You're not partners in this marriage. He is your boss, and you're unpaid labor. You do seem to be afraid of him. Why? 

[calmingdays]

I know we're not partners. Im not afraid of him, i would say im wary of him after a promise he made me years ago. Ive not told him no since. I did listen to the help offered, i am going to try and speak to him tonight. A lot of people on here think thay je just wants to spend more time with me at night and that i am obsessive over cleaning. I can see how it has come across that way. Im not looking for an arguement or anything. To be honest most people probably think im lying anyway so its ok. Thanks for everything, i truely do appreciate it. 

[Crazelnut]

We're trying to help you understand that you need a better sense of SELF in this marriage. Serious question: Why does he have to give you a list of chores every day? You don't find that insulting? He treats you like a child. Are you not capable of figuring out what you need to do every day to keep your children healthy and your house clean? He has major control issues, and most women would be absolutely insulted at being treated like a stupid child. 

[calmingdays]

He has always done it, since we got married. I dont describe him as an abusive tyrant. I haven't once said that. Its not a bdsm relationship ive said that before, thats insulting. And its not been one complaint after another, ive only asked for advice on a situation and answered questions accordingly. Im sorry if you feel otherwise. 

[calmingdays]

@Crazelnuti know i seem like i dont have any self worth but i do. He has been doing this since we got married, im used to it, i dont feel like a child. Its not until seeing someone typing on screen telling you what is wrong with the situation, that you actuslly start to think about it, maybe see that everything isnt quite right. But then other people on here seem to think he just wants more time with me, which maybe he does and im completely misreading it. Im confused and upset and i dont really know what to think anymore. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by calmingdays