Secret Messages

[Whitehart]

Noticed recently wife’s smartphone habits changed. She put passcode on phone for first time ever. Then she would go everywhere with phone, I mean everywhere. Stopped reading and just stared at phone all night. Then would come to bed two hours after me. Before she was first to go to bed. But still I thought it was nothing. Then I noticed her passcode one day and later looked at her phone. All of a sudden she was Whatsapping very much. Usually only on holiday to her parents. Now there were numerous messages, most content deleted. But to two men. One a nee boss of 6 months, another a guy interested in her 25 years ago, 

I checked a few times. Then we had a couple of chats. She lied and lied, I knew as I had seen her phone. Then I told her what I had seen. She said she had had secret contact with a man for 3 months, I was shocked. They call sometimes, What’sapp very often. I asked the context and she said they talk of work and travel. And her boss? She lied and said only work. I said I was hurt and she liked like she was cheating, at least online. We went on holiday snd she still contacted the guys every day! We argued and she said it’s just friends. I asked why she deletes messages and she said nothing, I don’t know what to go next. Now she’s bullish and refuses to talk on the issue. I was happy and now I feel betrayed and don’t really know the full extent of this issue. Some of what I saw was innocent, some suggestive.

I’m disappointed and every time I Walk in to je room she changes the screen and says she’s reading the news! Can I trust her agsin? Everything seems to have changed so quickly,

 

 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you going through this but it sounds like your wife is up to no good.  The fact that she won't stop after being exposed and knowing you are hurt is telling.

Edited August 5, 2021 by stillafool

[stillafool]

Looking back over your history you have been putting up with this since 2018.  What do you plan to do about it?  She isn't going to stop.  Love is not enough.

[Whitehart]

Thank you still a fool. What you said is correct. She still keeps contact, but now it’s like hiding in plain site. I have invested a lot on the relationship. I don’t like to give up. But I seem to see a different side to her now with the secret contact. 
Sad to hear love is not enough.

Edited August 6, 2021 by Whitehart

[glows]

Three years could turn into 30. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your days “investing” in something that has failed for three years? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Whitehart said:

I don’t like to give up.

This becomes irrelevant when the other person already has. You don't ever have to "give up", so to speak, but that doesn't have any effect on whether the other party does. 

Your wife has checked out of your marriage.

[Whitehart]

ExpatinItaly thank you for your comments. Feel like games are being played. I don’t play games. I feel you may be right about checked out. The messages (I can see) are about books, photos from holidays, him giving advice on her fear of flying, etc. Apart from traveling she is not talking to me about of any of these things. In fact I just came back from Mexico and she must have messaged him everyday. Even her new boss of 6 months was messaged nearly daily. I was told on here before that everything was my imagination. I fear that is not the case. Why doesn’t she confess when the weight of evidence is becoming compelling?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Whitehart said:

Why doesn’t she confess when the weight of evidence is becoming compelling?

Because these types of people rarely confess, OP. 

She likes things how they are - the "security" of having you at home, and the allure of having fun on the side. What is clear is that she does not respect you or your marriage. She likes attracting other men and it might just be a matter of time (ie. finding one who wants to be with her) before she jumps ship on you completely. 

 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She likes attracting other men and it might just be a matter of time (ie. finding one who wants to be with her) before she jumps ship on you completely. 

And when you have two kids and a mortgage, you are really going to be wishing that you would have walked away a long time ago when you first saw the signs of her infidelity. It only gets harder…

Edited August 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

people have addictions and emotional affairs can be one of them. She just can't help herself. Addicted people have only one agenda and that is to get their fix. They will hide, cheat, lie, and hurt those around them to get it. She has a problem, but she can't help herself because she's in denial. She has to lose you, the house and the kid's to see that she has one.

Edited August 8, 2021 by smackie9

[Whitehart]

Smackie9. Thanks for your comment.  Yes there are children and a house. I cannot get anything out of her now. I ask a question, I don’t shout, nor get angry, she doesn’t reply to anything. Not a no, not a yes, just silence. I don’t really know what to make of it. I told her she could prove the deleted messages are nothing by chat back up, and reinstall her WhatsApp. She didn’t agree. At the same time she accused me of using Badoo on Facebook. I was shocked and maybe it just shows how she’s justifying her actions to herself. The person I see now is cold and hard.

Edited August 8, 2021 by Whitehart

[smackie9]

Well you are going to have to ask her the hard cold question...does she want a divorce.

[Whitehart]

Last night my normal wife returned. Wanting to kiss and cuddle, to read together and study Spanish. A warmth in her smile. She even showed me a message from her ‘friend’. A silly film. Of course she can show me, she’s deleted anything wrong. Which married man messages someone else’s wife at 11.02pm on a Sunday night to say his back from holiday? She knows! What married woman gets up late at night to take a tablet with a mobile phone?They exchanged messages everyday of our holiday!! I told her she gaslights me, which she had read up on, too.

I have told her that I think the relationship has a major problem and I’m wondering about our future. She is shocked, what’s all the fuss, her favourite, “nothing’s happened”. I tell her straight, you’ve changed, your exhibiting obsessional behaviour with the phone, and with whoever your contacting. She simply says nothing. My family say talk to her, how?

She doesn’t reply!

Edited August 10, 2021 by Whitehart

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Your marriage seems in trouble.

There's a drift and accusations and changes.

You can accuse her all you want but nothing will be proved or fixed by that.

If she's lying/ cheating she's not going to admit it. If she's not this tension is going to make matters even worse.

She's checked out and unhappy and distracted. Is it an emotional affair? Maybe. Is your marriage cracking. Definitely.

Get into marriage therapy to get the cards on the table and start having honest conversations.

Try to use appropriate terms such as "deception" rather than terms  such as "gaslighting" you are picking up from googling  "wife cheating" or infidelity sites, which tend to have a much more loaded spin than simply calling it what it is.

If you think she's lying or cheating you need a professional to help you out.

Edited August 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

The problem you have, is that you are going nowhere, (you have kids and a house), and she knows it.
She can do whatever she wants and you are powerless.
You can threaten divorce but if she knows you won't do it, then it is an empty threat.
It is also an empty threat if she has plans of her own to leave.
 

[Whitehart]

Thank you Wiseman2, it is definitely an emotional matter, (she says he lives a long way away) and Elaine567, she does think I wouldn’t go anywhere. There is truth in what you both said. The tension is definitely making things worse, too. She won’t go to therapy, she will not speak full stop. I only know now that he was someone she studied with for four years at university. He wanted romance then, she declined. But now she confides in him about fear of flying, for example, and he gives her tender advice. I asked her why she didn’t talk to me about this, she said nothing, again.

I haven’t threatened her. I voiced my opinion that I prefer to know where I am. I come or I go from the relationship, if not the property. But this is a high placed legal person, very educated and has been cunning in the past.
Lastly, she says the messages were because of holiday. No, they started in secret in at least March. They continue, now from him 11.02pm Sunday night saying he’s back from vacation. So not just on holiday. It seems he must send very long messages and I’ve only seen fragments since it came out at end of June. Before that everything deleted.

Shes 47, has the figure of a teenager she reminds me, starts to dress in her daughters clothes, has had belly button piercing, wears her daughters jewelry. I think it may all be part of the issue. I don’t mind, she just had to be honest with me.

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Whitehart

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, are you in fact prepared to leave her?

Because if you are not, she knows your words are meaningless. This will continue. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Whitehart said:

 this is a high placed legal person, very educated and has been cunning in the past.

Shes 47, starts to dress in her daughters clothes, has had belly button piercing, 

Is she reliving her youth? Midlife crisis?

Your marriage sounds stale and unfilling for both of you. When's the last time you had date night? Or were intimate?

There's more to this bad marriage than you're admitting to. Jumping into "having an affair", is a possibility but not the only one.

At this point it sounds like she's talking to this old college friend to relive her youth as she enters menopause and midlife. It's surprising you don't see it.

You're all over the place. But you have no evidence of anything other than chitchat with someone you're jealous of. It sounds like you two won't communicate and she's trying to revive herself by chatting with someone who knew her back in her heydays like your daughters age.

Your wife seems insecure and looking for attention. Not your fault but your jealousy isn't helping, nor is repeatedly mentioning timestamps on text messages.

There's more to this story. But you're not ready to admit that.

[Whitehart]

Wiseman 2. To answer your question  we travel very much, and are often intimate. She would say we have a good relationship. Hiding the contact at the start didn’t help. But we sat down together and went through things including messages. Now, to me, it seems a simple revived friendship which was hidden for no good reason. Maybe that was down to me to some extent, but maybe not.  She has agreed to be open with her friendship and I will not forbid it nor pursue her further over it. 
She has agreed to be more open and I’ve promised not to be so wrapped up in work and worries. Possibly her quietness and my focus on my own business has not helped. But that we managed to finally speak has cleared the air. At least for the time being,

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Whitehart said:

 I will not forbid it nor pursue her further over it. She has agreed to be more open and I’ve promised not to be so wrapped up in work and worries. 

Excellent. Maybe she just wants something that's hers, like she gossips with other college friends or her female friends.

Try not to get carried away because you're worried about your work. 

It's good you spoke and realize the more draconian you are about her friendships, the more she'll want to confide in them rather than you.

Just to assert her boundaries, privacy and rebel against having to 'report' to you..

This alumni guy doesn't seem to pose any threat. Just a visit to her younger days.

Get tickets for music/concerts, whatever from your heydays. Make her feel alive/youthful again, rather than some aging mom-jeans lady, who's 'not allowed' to wear trendy clothes..

[Caauug]

On 8/10/2021 at 11:44 PM, Whitehart said:

She has agreed to be more open and I’ve promised not to be so wrapped up in work and worries. Possibly her quietness and my focus on my own business has not helped. But that we managed to finally speak has cleared the air. At least for the time being,

Ok.... So you are just going to "Rug Sweep" this whole thing???

What have you learned? Turn a blind eye and it all disappears..... Life is grand again.....

What will your wife learn? Don't be so sloppy and cover your tacks better!!!! Take this to the next level, he's in dreamland.... Make sure of the soft landing with the "Branch swing"....

This is all "Text Book" human nature stuff, burying your head in the sand hoping it's all good does nothing to address your wife's behavior. You really need to understand why your wife reaches out to other men for attention and validation. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/6/2021 at 1:14 AM, Whitehart said:

I have invested a lot on the relationship. I don’t like to give up.

Sometimes when you are so focused on not giving up, you are actually doing exactly that...giving up on yourself. 

When you keep putting more into something that does not give back, you're just throwing away your investment and shorting yourself. That is giving up on yourself. 

Edited August 15, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Uruktopi]

You have two meaningful alternatives:

- Get to know all what was hidden (includding all deleted communication) and decide from that knowledge if to (improve your relationshi and) stay or if divorce.

- Do not get it and divorce.

Any third one is an empty mantra.

 

 

[Whitehart]

Since we cleared the air the relationship has improved. She is far more loving and I’m not pursuing the subject. But neither have I swept things under a rug. But there had been a rather strange development.

I had the opportunity to arrange to meet with a client. This client is a lady I have known for a few years. We have a friendly and cordial relationship. My wife has got it into her head that this lady likes me. My wife wants me to invite the female client  for coffee. She then laughs that I would be going on a date.Then she asked to read all of messages the lady sends to me. Including any messages in regards to a holiday she has gone on,

I have refused my wife’s request as it seems odd behaviour to me. She told me that she likes when other women like me. But I explained, honestly, that my relationship is professional and the client always right and proper. Now she asks to tell me how the other lady dresses, because if I like her, she (my wife) should dress the same way! I’ve told her not to be so immature and not to pursue such strange requests. Isn’t this all a bit odd? She has really surprised me! Maybe she plays such silly games herself but with male contacts?

Really this is strange for me.

Edited August 20, 2021 by Whitehart

[DKT3]

On 8/8/2021 at 1:41 AM, Whitehart said:

ExpatinItaly thank you for your comments. Feel like games are being played. I don’t play games. I feel you may be right about checked out. The messages (I can see) are about books, photos from holidays, him giving advice on her fear of flying, etc. Apart from traveling she is not talking to me about of any of these things. In fact I just came back from Mexico and she must have messaged him everyday. Even her new boss of 6 months was messaged nearly daily. I was told on here before that everything was my imagination. I fear that is not the case. Why doesn’t she confess when the weight of evidence is becoming compelling?

Well, most were telling you your wife was up to no good. The only one I recall not was a wayward wife who had one of the most troubling acts of betrayal I've seen on these sites.

Three years later you are in the same spot, why? You know your wife is actively looking for something else and has been for a while.