Secret Messages

[Whitehart]

DKT3. I meant the comments from three years ago. The comments now have been in a different vein and appreciated. As I said earlier we have aired our opinions and I cannot change the past, but look to the future. Today she even said that everyday with me was a holiday. She is being so nice that I then get worried🤣 

Seriously I think she had contact with an old friend, did it in the wrong way, and I have to move forward. But she seems to be economical with the truth, even now. Three are many selfies from the start of the contact with her old friend. She showed me. I asked why and she said she took them but never sent them to anybody.So I asked why one was taken in our bathroom with her doing a thumbs up sign. Now she simply cannot remember. I want to move on, but something draws me back. Maybe I have been too suspicious and thus made her hide things. Or as she told me, she deleted the WhatsApp messages as she didn’t want me to read them. That was months before I suspected something.

We are better, and I told her that her friend(s) can contact her in ‘normal’ hours by phone like everyday folk, not late at night or early in the mornings. I am open and have invited her to be the same in a mature manner. Whether will be waits to be seen?
 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Whitehart

[Whitehart]

In the spirit of openness she let me look at photos.I saw selfies from the same time her contact began. I asked her why so many selfies over a range of time. She said because of a Botox injection, she had wanted before and after pictures. Okay i understand. But why so many over time, and why full length photos in a mirror. Why one taken in the bathroom with a thumbs up from early in the contact, if not to ge sent yo someone? No reply. She later said all the selfies are just for herself and she sent them to nobody.

I feel I take one step forward and three steps back.

Edited August 23, 2021 by Whitehart

[Crazelnut]

She's lying. The selfies were for him, not herself. Oldest lie in the cheater's handbook.

[Whitehart]

Crazelnut. I agree. And she must know I know. Especially a thumbs up. It has to be for another person. I asked if he had sent photos. She said no, just another lie. 
Then Sunday she asks, “if I split up with you will you hate me?” One minute i love you forever, then such questions!

what am I to think! I don’t need this.

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Whitehart said:

what am I to think! I don’t need this.

Then it's time to wake up and realize this marriage is as good as over, OP. 

[Crazelnut]

Why do you stay with her? She cheats & lies, clearly has no respect for you, and she actually taunts you about her leaving? Do you have no backbone or self-respect? Why do you allow her to treat you this way?

[Caauug]

On 8/20/2021 at 7:30 PM, Whitehart said:

My wife has got it into her head that this lady likes me. My wife wants me to invite the female client  for coffee. She then laughs that I would be going on a date.

This is "Gaslighting". She is trying to turn the attention away from her bad behavior to you and suggest you behavior is inappropriate.... How long are you going to put up with this crap? Time to stand up and grow some balls!!!

[Whitehart]

Had enough. I try to talk. Gaslighting in return. I send message instead outlining feelings and concerns. She says nothing.

Told her today separating for 6 months.Shock, horror, why? What’s wrong? Only a friend online? we have great relationship. Why? Why overreact?
Had enough.

Edited August 26, 2021 by Whitehart

[stillafool]

On 8/24/2021 at 5:15 AM, Whitehart said:

Then Sunday she asks, “if I split up with you will you hate me?” One minute i love you forever, then such questions!

When she asks you questions like this tell her "No, because I'll be too happy living my life with another woman", then walk away.  Start putting her in her place.  These types of answers will throw her off and make her wonder "why would he say that?".

[Caauug]

On 8/24/2021 at 5:15 PM, Whitehart said:

Then Sunday she asks, “if I split up with you will you hate me?” One minute i love you forever, then such questions!

what am I to think! I don’t need this.

This is a "Crap test", to feel you out how much will you put up with in the future. As you now know about the OM, the best she can do is confuse you, knock you off your guard, to buy her time.

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

"No, because I'll be too happy living my life with another woman",

^^^^^^ And that is the correct answer!!!! ^^^^^ 

11 hours ago, Whitehart said:

Told her today separating for 6 months.

Taking the "Branch" away before her branch swing is complete is very effective. Even if she was never going to branch swing up to the OM. She's actively looking and that's enough. I wouldn't have put a time limit on the separation.... She's likely doing a cost/benefit analyses on being sweet with you for 6 months to then try again for the OM, or just try for the OM???

IMO, The OM has been stimulating her emotions even if it is all fantasy or all in her mind like a romance novel. She has checked out with with you. She is using you for the Protector/Provider role..... but only until the OM shows he can do that for her.... 

Protect yourself, she may take on a victim role, and convince herself you are the evil one. Protect your finances, and look after yourself. Maybe only meet in public places. You trusted her to not seek out other men in your M, look how that went.... In separation it can be everyone for themselves!!! Be extra careful!!! 

[usa1ah]

On 8/23/2021 at 4:44 AM, Whitehart said:

In the spirit of openness she let me look at photos.I saw selfies from the same time her contact began. I asked her why so many selfies over a range of time. She said because of a Botox injection, she had wanted before and after pictures. Okay i understand. But why so many over time, and why full length photos in a mirror. Why one taken in the bathroom with a thumbs up from early in the contact, if not to ge sent yo someone? No reply. She later said all the selfies are just for herself and she sent them to nobody.

I feel I take one step forward and three steps back.

How is she dressed in the selfies. 
 

If she is barely dressed or naked, she is sending them to someone. 
 

If she is dressed, she is sending them to someone. 
 

If you find out that she is cheating, what would you do?

[usa1ah]

Make sure you see a lawyer and make it a legal separation. 
 

Can you do a separation in home?

 

Do you have small kids?

 

If you have kids try this. Rent a apartment and swap out who stay at home every other week. That way the kids are in their home and you get your time with them every other week. 

[Whitehart]

Usa1ah

“How is she dressed in the selfies.”

She is smartly dressed for work and car photos. For the car selfie outside work she decided to sit in the passenger seat for some reason? Dressed in casual wear for the sofa laying back, bathroom ( I must have been at home🤣) and front room shots.

She still insists that she didn’t send them to her “old friend”  is a very private person regards the internet. Even when I tell her it makes no sense she will it not budge an inch. Photos taken through end of January to start of March at least. 
She still doesn’t understand separation.

Now she tells me she wants to contact another male old friend who she really liked at university. I told her it’s none of my business now and shame she hadn’t been mature and open before.

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Whitehart

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Whitehart said:

She still doesn’t understand separation.

What do you mean?

She doesn't believe that you want to end the marriage?

[Whitehart]

Expatin Italy. Yes. I will not move out as I did nothing wrong. Meanwhile she insists she has done nothing wrong and thinks I’m crazy to want separation and that we are good together 😂

When friends translated what they (her and her friend/s) have written it comes out as great friends if not more. She is a brick wall and I’ve had enough. I asked if her friends wife would like to see the messages and she just stared at me.🤣

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Whitehart said:

I will not move out as I did nothing wrong.

I understand your point here. 

But your wife is not going to take this separation seriously unless you file for legal separation. Are you going to do that?

[Whitehart]

She doesn’t want to separate and there has been a marked change in her behavior. None of which sways me from separating. But still I try to put my finger on something tangible. Even yesterday she speaks of a list of women waiting to date me! Why does she play such silly games. She even accused me of using an adult saying site just after this issue came to light.

It seems she just plans to chuck dirt my way, but to my mind such behavior is indicative of what she herself has done and how she thinks. From her it’s like, You’ve done wrong therefore so can I, type of attitude. I will.not move out. I asked her again about selfies which are in fact short videos taken in front of a full length mirror in her office. Again she says only for herself! Makes no sense! Who would do that for themselves snd not send somewhere? Her actions and words are diametrically opposed. Does she think those around her are so unintelligent and unaware? Separation. Has anyone had experience of such a mentality? Hard to stomach that she knowingly deceived me for months. So angry and fed up now.

Edited August 30, 2021 by Whitehart

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Whitehart said:

None of which sways me from separating.

So then do it. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I'm going to be blunt. Stop trying to understand this woman and why she does what she does, because you won;t be able to. It's purely a waste of your emotional and mental energy.

You sound like a basically an honest person. She sounds like someone who is comfortable using lying and deception to get what she wants (an ego boost, feel maudlin about "old times" etc.) . You are not. That's the thing about honest people- we assume everyone else is too, and while hay may be a very commendable trait, it's not really realistic.  It leaves us open to this sort of treatment. It's  unfair that you have to do it, but it's time to toughen up.

I would advise you to try and take a step back from the problem and take a cold, hard look at your marriage. If you can get completely away from the situation ( even f it's just a weekend alone at a local hotel- but make sure she and others know it's for a couple of days- inform them in  way that you have a record of doing so) it might do you a world of good. Really think about what you want and whether or not you honestly feel like she will ever be able to give it to you. Also, ask yourself ( and this will be really hard) if you feel like you can realistically ever trust her again. Of course, in the early days, it's normal and understandable not to trust a WS, but if hat doesn't change as time goes by, you and dooming yourself, your wife and kids to a sad existence.

If you feel you do want to rebuild, counseling from a competent therapist that "clicks" for both of you is important. You also have every right to set up terms and conditions that you expect her to follow, and she can do the same with you. Don't make ultimatums you don't think you'll really stick to. 

You have a lot on your plate, but it will get better.I promise you that.

.

[40YOL]

What exactly do you expect to accomplish with a 6-month separation? When you are dealing with infidelity, a separation just allows the wayward spouse an easy opportunity to try out other people without fear of being observed. How would you ever track who she was sleeping with and when or if she even comes home to her new residence each night? What would the rules be? Are you both going to date and have sex with others during the separation or are you expected to be true to your wedding vows?  You can bet the new boss would be working late or taking lunch a LOT at her new residence.

I’d suggest an in-house separation where you get to see your kids every day but do a hard 180 with your wife. You also need set up a meeting with an attorney to see what a divorce might look like. You don't have to file right away but you do need to get the info asap. Knowledge is power.

If she doesn't get her head out of her ass, then file for D

[usa1ah]

How are things going?

[Whitehart]

Talking this morning about my schedule for work. She asked why I finish 8pm Monday night?

Then something clicked. I reminded her of something she said a lot earlier in the year.

She said something along the lines of,

“ your not at home enough, I miss spending time with you.”

I said to her that if I didn’t talk to her and spend time with her, that she would find someone else to do that with. 

By way of reply she looked at the floor.

For me it would not matter what hours she worked, I would wait for her. It seems she is different.

[basil67]

@Whitehart there is so much wrong with the conversation above. 

Earlier in this thread, you said that she'd say you have a good marriage.  Apparently this isn't so.   Did you previously know that she was lonely and missed you?   And rather than addressing your work/life balance when she told you that she was unhappy, why did you basically give her permission to see others? 

 

Edited September 5, 2021 by basil67

[usa1ah]

Whitehart 

Posted March 5, 2018

Sparta: I mean that it could be the end of the relationship, stage by stage slowly calcifying. Which is not what I want.

[usa1ah]

If she isn’t willing to be honest with you, there is nothing to fix. 
 

You were correct when you told her that she can talk to who ever she wants. You don’t own her and your not her dad. There a consequences for the choices she is making. 
 

WH, I think divorce might be the only path open to you.