I like him a lot and he likes me too but he lives in Chicago

[Miss Spider]

I’ve been casually talking to a guy(33m) for 2 months, He lives in Chicago which is a 3 hour drive my location. I may be moving there in a little over a year. Big maybe. We’ve hung out quite a lot and lots of texting(by my standards, which I usually dislike, but he’s witty!! ) Today we talked and he told me he’d like to date exclusively

Few problems. First is, of course, the distance. And I explained this to him too. We live three hours apart and that’s a lot of travel in the long-term. In addition, when I start school I will almost have no time so so he will do be doing most of the traveling if we are to see each other. Of course, he says this won’t be an issue. That’s what they all say. But I think it does get tiring after a while. The missing them gets tiring too. LDR’s suck, but if I was going to have one, it would be with him. Good grief he is fine and (most importantly) really cool too. I dig his energy. 
 

Having said that, another problem is that I am really enjoying being single way too much entirely. I am loving the just doing me atm.  LDR’s take more commitment too, I think. I don’t even know if there is going back for me. I feel like if there was it would be him.
 

When I don’t talk to him for long stretches because I am being me, I do kind of get pings of worry or inks of jealousy that maybe since I’m not talking to him he is moving on and rightfully talking to others, because he obviously does want a relationship, And I completely understand that that is normal. I feel the pressure to step up she cause  if I sleep on this he will be snatched up and be with someone else because he’s a good one. It just is a sucky place, but it will be worse if I jump in and find out I can’t swing it and it ends up like before. I’m not in a place in my life where I am the person that I really ultimately want to be. There is so much “me” growth I need to accomplish 

Any thoughts or advice appreciated. People have been in a similar position especially 

Thank you 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Today we talked and he told me he’d like to date exclusively. LDR’s suck

Veto the idea because it's true, LDRs suck.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Veto the idea because it's true, LDRs suck.

Thanks. Think I needed to hear that 

Edited August 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Sun Seeker]

Sounds like a lot of excuses to be honest...

My current LDR is a 14hr flight away, others have been similar. How I wish it would be a 3hr drive instead.

You have a choice. Either be one of those negative people with no ambition, unwilling to take a bit of risk, unwilling to live out of their comfort zone, and come up with lines such as 'veto the idea because LDRs suck', how boring and useless.

OR be the opposite, do not listen to what other people tell you, do not follow relationship 'norms', think outside the box a little, take a bit of risk, live life as much as possible during our short time on Earth.

It sounds like you actually like him and he likes you. 3hrs is nothing. He's told you it won't be an issue, believe him. Only you know in your heart whether he is worth the effort. If he is, then jump in with both feet and don't look back.

One thing is you do need to have an end goal - who would be moving to who to live permanently. Can't be in a LDR without an end goal.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Punterxx

[glows]

Cookies, it's the personal growth that would stand at the forefront of this decision if it were me. Long distance relationships are not for everyone and that's a personal choice. 

He sounds like a nice man from the outset but unless you know him or see him often enough, getting to know one another will be difficult. You seem like you're torn between this man and travel, school and possibly working part time to earn some cash from your other threads. What's most important to you? Focus on those things and forget everything else. Your paths may cross later, or not. He isn't going to do your school for you or earn you your keep so if those are things that are most important or that get you to where you want to be, stay on track and leave the romance for later or for a time when you feel more prepared for that in your life. 

[Love Yourself First]

A relationship this easy to enter is equally this easy to exit, I don't see any harm in it, just DO NOT let him re-arrange his life for you when you have a desire to be single

[BaileyB]

I’m curious, have you met this man in person? 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

We’ve hung out quite a lot

Sorry, I missed this the first time I read it. I answered my own question…

[ShyViolet]

I personally think LDR's are really dumb and a massive waste of energy.  This sounds like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.

[basil67]

On 8/6/2021 at 5:43 AM, Cookiesandough said:

In addition, when I start school I will almost have no time so so he will do be doing most of the traveling if we are to see each other. Of course, he says this won’t be an issue.

You've got a very good reason to put the brakes on.  That it's not a problem for him doesn't mean that it won't be a problem for you.  

[poppyfields]

Hi cookies, another issue to consider is the fact that admittedly, you love to multidate!  You enjoy being single!  You said as much in your original post.

That's the biggest issue imo, your mindframe. 

Knowing you from this and your other threads and posts, even recently, no way would you be happy in a long distance exclusive relationship with a man you've only been casually talking to for two months and hung out with "a bunch" times. 

Enjoy your singleness, multidate to your heart's content, experience life!

That's where your heart lies at the moment which is OK!  

Plenty of time to settle down later when you meet a man who rocks your world, he is not that man from what can see.

 

 

Edited August 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

On 8/5/2021 at 12:43 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

I have a different take on this.  Being that Chicago might be your landing spot after graduation, I'd go there as a "scouting" trip and pick the guy's brain.

You need to know what parts of Chicago are favorable (for a young woman) and which are not.  Chicago has seen a rise in crime and you need to make sure you land in a "safe" part of town.

Being nomadic (for most of my life), I always did a "scouting" trip to get the "lay of the land" before moving to a new city or town.

Moreover, it never hurts to have a friend at a new location.

And yes... I agree with other posters that LDR's suck, but if you could keep this guy as a friend and pick his brain about Chicago, that would be a plus for you.

Personally, I did try one long distance relationship (4-5 hour drive).  She was GREAT and we got along well, but the drive was just too much for me.  Her car was junky, so she couldn't drive to me. Neither of us could move, so the relationship dissolved.  It wasn't anyone's fault, it was just the logistics of the drive.

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I have a different take on this.  Being that Chicago might be your landing spot after graduation, I'd go there as a "scouting" trip and pick the guy's brain.

You need to know what parts of Chicago are favorable (for a young woman) and which are not.  Chicago has seen a rise in crime and you need to make sure you land in a "safe" part of town.

Being nomadic (for most of my life), I always did a "scouting" trip to get the "lay of the land" before moving to a new city or town.

Moreover, it never hurts to have a friend at a new location.

And yes... I agree with other posters that LDR's suck, but if you could keep this guy as a friend and pick his brain about Chicago, that would be a plus for you.

Personally, I did try one long distance relationship (4-5 hour drive).  She was GREAT and we got along well, but the drive was just too much for me.  Her car was junky, so she couldn't drive to me. Neither of us could move, so the relationship dissolved.  It wasn't anyone's fault, it was just the logistics of the drive.

He asked her to be exclusive lemming.  As in focus only on him.

No more chatting with random guys, no more meeting other guys, no more being "single." 

I cannot fathom how this can be something to even consider at the moment, given cookies' other threads and posts about loving her singleness right now.

Edited August 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 8/5/2021 at 3:43 PM, Cookiesandough said:

I may be moving there in a little over a year.

Not much to worry about since it's not clear if you'll move there and it's very far off.

You'll have to graduate first and decide which jobs/job offers you want and where they are.

[Beachead]

@Cookiesandough

I'd put the thought of my mind for one for 2 reasons:

1. LDR's only work as a temporary situation for certain circumstances.  Your situation isn't it.

2. Your below quote:

Quote

Having said that, another problem is that I am really enjoying being single way too much entirely. I am loving the just doing me atm.

Why are you wasting your own time talking to this guy and inquiring about this if this how you feel?

If the above is where you are, you are not serious and you're certainly going to be unwilling to give the effort and committment an LDR demands. That means this is already over before it began.  Don't try to be "friends" with this guy because if you've noticed, he's interested in you enough to want to date you. As sincere as he try to be, the gears are turning in his head.  He has thoughts and feelings and they will get in the way of his ability to be a genuine friend.

Regarding Reason number 1:

To really get to know eachother on the daily, people require physical intimacy and physical experiences together and that requires proximity.  You have to be able to see eachother on the regular, to get a feel for who you're actually dealing with.  LDR takes that all out of the equation.  Outings will be so far and few between that when they do occur, there will be a lot of pressure and expectation for them to go well. Because of that, both will both put forth your best behaviour to keep interactions smooth but the end result will be neither of you truly getting to know eachother.  You will be getting a filtered picture of the other.

Having said that,  I think there are some instances LDR's can work but only as a temporary situation in which both people have discussed, planned and are actively working to move closer to one another or move in together or are already married/living together and will be a part for a temporary time.  Otherwise, the logistics of such a relationship won't be able to support the emotional/physical requirements needed.  

- Beach

 

[Beachead]

@Happy Lemming

Quote

 

People lie to each other all the time...

I'm 100% sure if this guy got some offer (for sex) from an ex-girlfriend or acquaintance or whomever, he'd jump at the chance. And just never tell cookies about it.

I mean being 3 hours away, how is anyone going to know.  It's perfect!!

 

I never cheated.   I was certainly confronted by temptations sure, but I valued my relationships far more than my need for immediate sex.  Hence, I didn't.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Beachead

[xxcazaxx]

Long distance relationships are hard but worth it for the right person and I have learned that when you have found the right person you absolutely know and wont be interested in anyone else.

[MeadowFlower]

If you were really genuinely interested in him, then the fact that he lives in Chicago shouldn't stop anything moving forward. As long as he is all in for it as well. It's only 3 hours!

But with you seemingly not being at a place where you are looking to be settled and committed to finding a serious relationship, then don't waste this guy's time. Or dilly dally in his life. All in or all out. 

[chillii]

lt's not about the Ldr if two people love and want it then 3hrs is nothing but they both have want it for it to work until they can be closer. Seems to be a lot of guys you talk about round here though you don't seem to know which is what man wise atm and then all your single stuff and where your at personally. Those are much bigger than being 3hrs apart for awhile. l dunno why he'd even consider starting something like that up with you and with where your at your obviously no where near suitable to take this on atm or anything else by the sounds of it.

Edited August 8, 2021 by chillii

[JustGrand]

On 8/5/2021 at 12:43 PM, Cookiesandough said:

When I don’t talk to him for long stretches because I am being me, I do kind of get pings of worry or inks of jealousy that maybe since I’m not talking to him

Be completely open about what you're going to be doing through each day. Eventually there will be a pattern he'll get use to... Times you do and don't communicate he'll get use to especially of course if you tell him something like.. "I'm off to work, so I'll talk to you in like 10 hours" and a weekly/daily pattern (or something you typically do)... He'll understand. But yeah, I'd get worried too if there was a complete whole day of nonresponse... 

LDRs do take a lot more effort.

I'm in my second LDR and engaged to someone 9 hours in time zones ahead of me or 25 hours in flight. We started talking a year ago. My fist LDR lasted three years and was at least in the same country. So I'm used to it.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

What's wrong with penpals, social media friends and text buddies for now?

It's not going anywhere anyway for years if or until you find a job and place to live in his city, so just stay friends, why not?

[Els]

IMO a 3-hour drive for 1 year is nothing... H and I were a 2-hour drive apart for 1.5 years some time back and we didn't even count that part of our relationship as a LDR - we just viewed it as an inconvenience, like polar opposite work shifts, not something that drastically alters the relationship. We DO count the first 2 years of our relationship as an LDR, because we were over a thousand miles apart... and that was ridiculously hard, I'll admit, but it was well worth it. We've been together for almost 13 years now.

But at the end of the day, it depends on you and how you feel about him and about LDRs in general. If it feels not worth it to you, then it's almost certainly not worth it and I would nip it in the bud.

[Johnjohnson2017]

I think you will be too busy with school to maintain a LDR. Stay in touch with him, meet each other etc but an exclusive relationship would be extremely hard work. 

At his age, he is probably looking for marriage and raising a family. You two might not be at the same stage in life.

If you like him so much, give it a try. But it will be hard.