My girlfriend doesn't want a relationship with my daughter anymore.

[Richard89]

Hi, so heres my situation. Me and my gf have been together for 9 months, I'm convinced she's the one. She had a son and I have 2 daughters from previous relationships. We both have full custody of them, they have no contact with the other parents. Myself and my daughters spend every weekend at hers because it was agreed that she won't come to mine as I have ongoing damp issues. My youngest daughter has had behaviour problems for years and is in the process of being assessed for possible autism or most likely adhd. My gf has been amazing from day 1 with her she has took her on like her own. Things were great in the beginning everyone got on great, then the bad and violent behaviour slowly crept in and got more frequent to the point if its a ongoing thing almost every weekend. Thus has pushed us apart but surprisingly only a little bit, we still remained close. So over the weekend we had a really bad time with her to the point where we couldn't even eat in peace and she ended up breaking a electric socked cover. I've been stupid and made the situation worse by losing my temper and saying some hurtful things to my gf which u didn't mean. After this she was cold and distant towards me but has started to come round abit more quite quickly. My main problem now is that she says she wants nothing to do with my daughter which upsets me alot because not only will I lose her but also the family we had together. Any support or advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys

[glows]

Nine months is a very short time. Your daughters' home is unstable and there is mold(damp)? She is uprooted from her regular home and spending weekends in someone else's home, someone she's known for less than one year. How old is she? 

I would find a new home or some other solution to this damp problem in your house and provide a more stable environment instead of moving your kids back and forth every single week between two homes. Obtain more than one opinion of an assessment and figure out a solution that provides more stability to their lives. The relationship can wait if it's meant to be. 

Edited August 5, 2021 by glows

[ShyViolet]

How old are these children?

Honestly, I wouldn't want to deal with someone else's violent, out-of-control child either.  I can't blame her.  What do you expect her to do?  The best thing you could do is get your daughter help ASAP and get the situation under control.  Of course your gf isn't going to want to deal with this, the way things are going now.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Richard89 said:

Myself and my daughters spend every weekend at hers because it was agreed that she won't come to mine as I have ongoing damp issues. 

Sorry this is happening. How old are your children and where is their mother?

Fix your home environment. It should be a healthy acceptable place for you, your children and visitors.

Stop camping out at your GF's house it's not fair to anyone and if one child is acting out it's a red flag.

Yes get an evaluation from a pediatric neurologist and psychologist.

Did she have issues before you and their mother split?

Perhaps this forced blended family thing is too much too soon in general but for kids in particular.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Richard89]

Mine are 10 and 7 and her boy is 9. The home situation is not our main concern, she has openly said she is comfortable the way it is. No idea where their mum is she done a disappearing act and yes she had issues before she left. I cannot do anymore to get her help she is having all the help she needs this is what frustrates me.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Richard89

[Richard89]

18 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

How old are these children?

Honestly, I wouldn't want to deal with someone else's violent, out-of-control child either.  I can't blame her.  What do you expect her to do?  The best thing you could do is get your daughter help ASAP and get the situation under control.  Of course your gf isn't going to want to deal with this, the way things are going now.

I fully agree with you. As I said I am trying my absolute best to get her the help she needs but it's a slow process. Its very tough to accept when I love them both.

[Richard89]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old are your children and where is their mother?

Fix your home environment. It should be a healthy acceptable place for you, your children and visitors.

Stop camping out at your GF's house it's not fair to anyone and if one child is acting out it's a red flag.

Yes get an evaluation from a pediatric neurologist and psychologist.

Did she have issues before you and their mother split?

Perhaps this forced blended family thing is too much too soon in general but for kids in particular.

The whole blended family thing was actually her doing, she moved the relationship in that direction very quickly but yes on reflection this probably wasn't the best idea.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Richard89 said:

My main problem now is that she says she wants nothing to do with my daughter which upsets me alot because not only will I lose her but also the family we had together.

It’s been nine months. Kindly, that’s way too soon to be taking your children to stay in her home and talking about the “family you had together.” 

Your child has a significant disability. Children with this diagnosis don’t generally do well with change - they need structure and consistency in their lives. Her life has changed a lot in the past nine months, it’s not a surprise to me that you are seeing more challenging behaviors occurring. 

I think you both need to take a step back. You need to deal with the mold issues in your home and get your children settled again. Those would be my primary concerns at this time. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/5/2021 at 5:56 PM, Richard89 said:

The whole blended family thing was actually her doing, she moved the relationship in that direction very quickly but yes on reflection this probably wasn't the best idea.

But you agreed to it so not just her doing. I think you should examine all your priorities here. Also, saying hurtful things to girlfriend after all the kindness she has extended you and your children was a pretty foolish mistake. You're about to lose it all. Hopefully you are going out of your way make amends and work on yourself to ensure you don't repeat mistakes. I think some self-reflection and work on yourself and your priorities is in order here. There are no excuses when children's lives are at stake. There is no 'I've tried enough' or 'they are already getting everything there is.' If the kids are struggling, then they need more. Parenting is incredibly difficult but you are all your kids have. They didn't choose to be born. You and their mom chose that for them. Their mom has already 100% failed them. That means you have 200% of the work in parenting them. Take it out on their mom, not on the kids. No excuses or passing that off to others such as gf. Sorry. 

Edited August 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Duplicate

Edited August 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Richard89]

12 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

But you agreed to it so not just her doing. I think you should examine all your priorities here. Also, saying hurtful things to girlfriend after all the kindness she has extended you and your children was a pretty foolish mistake. You're about to lose it all. Hopefully you are going out of your way make amends and work on yourself to ensure you don't repeat mistakes. I think some self-reflection and work on yourself and your priorities is in order here. There are no excuses when children's lives are at stake. There is no 'I've tried enough' or 'they are already getting everything there is.' If the kids are struggling, then they need more. Parenting is incredibly difficult but you are all your kids have. They didn't choose to be born. You and their mom chose that for them. Their mom has already 100% failed them. That means you have 200% of the work in parenting them. Take it out on their mom, not on the kids. No excuses or passing that off to others such as gf. Sorry. 

No need to be sorry. I agree with everything you've wrote. I am extremely grateful and lucky that she has given me another chance but we aren't spending anytime together for the moment as she still doesn't want to see my daughter 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also consider that perhaps your gf has cold feet more for your reaction to your daughter's behavior than your daughter's behavior itself. 

To illustrate...if you kept your cool while daughter was acting out, maybe gf would've felt unsettled but also relieved that you were effective in taking charge of the situation. In contrast, maybe her observations were something like, "Daughter creating chaos. Dad responds with chaos. Too much chaos for me and my son. I need to get away from this." 

Check with her if she will be agreeable to interacting with your daughter if you take on a calmer, more active role in dealimg with your daughter's outbursts. Of course, you'd have to be willing to follow through without falling back on gf to pick up the slack. Badically: Say it, mean it, do it.