Repetitive cycle of being used by men.

[Weenyjoleeny]

I have never posted here. I really just needed to vent and put this down somewhere. I don't know why I can't get out of this cycle or how I keep letting this happen. I am pretty sure I have finally learned my lesson after the last man I was seeing.

I have been trying to get into a serious relationship and find the right person for me. I am very up front that I want something serious and that I'm not here to be some casual fling whenever I start seeing someone and they say they want the same. It's good for a couple of weeks, we'll start getting to know each other, I think it's going well. Maybe this one is special! I begin feeling more comfortable around them. They assure me that they like me. Text me goodmorning and goodnight. Take me out. Put in time. I feel comfortable enough to have sex with them. After we do they begin to distance themselves. Show little to no interest in me. The texts stop. They stop trying to see me. If I bring up the change in energy or ask to see them again they tell me maybe we should slow things down and just be friends. 

Like that's fine. You don't want to be with me? Fine 🤷🏼‍♀️ sure, let's be friends. I am an adult. I'm not mad because it's not what you were looking for. 

Then they still don't talk to me. 

UNTIL

They hit me up hoping we can meet up and have casual sex.

This happens with all of my relationships. I even messed up and got pregnant by one of these men(condom broke) and now I have his child. He is an amazing child by the way. Sad that his dad isn't there for him.

Now I'm convinced that men will go to great lengths for pussy. Pretend they like you for as long as it takes to get it. I'm so sick of this recurring trend in my life. I'm so disgusted with myself for continuing to let it happen and not knowing how to break the cycle. It makes me physically sick everything I realize I messed up again. So tired of being let down by people I thought I could trust this time.

They don't see me as a woman they want to be with. They don't see me as a friend. They see me as something they could potentially stick their penis in.

I don't really know where I'm going wrong. I am pretty confident in myself. I take care of myself and my responsibilities and consider myself to be a strong woman.

All I know now is I won't be naive anymore. I won't try to find another relationship. I won't sleep with anyone else. I don't think there's a man out there who wants to be a part of my life. It makes me very sad because I have so much love to give. I'll do anything for the people I care about. I don't feel so right about the world right now.

[glows]

Take a bit of a break perhaps, recoup. You’re very hurt. Not all people are like that although I totally empathize.

Time out also and revise what you need or what’s important to you. You may be drawn to similar types of men over time who use you and abuse your trust. If you’re not comfortable with anything, just say no or walk away. You do not need to explain yourself to everyone you meet that it’s not going to work. 

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, Weenyjoleeny said:

. I really just needed to vent and put this down somewhere. I don't know why I can't get out of this cycle or how I keep letting this happen.

If it’s a cycle, it might be a good idea to seek therapy. Would you say all of these guys were the same “type” of guy? How did you meet them? 

[Andy_K]

Yes, there are a huge number of men out there who will say whatever is necessary to get laid, and have little interest in more than that. But it goes deeper than that... testosterone is a mind altering drug. It clouds judgement. It's entirely possible for a guy to genuinely believe he's into you before you've slept together, and then his feelings change afterwards. 

Ultimately you're going to have to learn to be a better judge of character, rather than relying on whether or not you feel comfortable. Some guys are very practiced at making a women feel comfortable. There are enough decent ones out there though. But it sounds like you need some time out before searching for one again.

Edited August 13, 2021 by Andy_K

[Cookiesandough]

How are you meeting these guys jw? 

[ironpony]

On 8/13/2021 at 6:58 AM, Andy_K said:

Yes, there are a huge number of men out there who will say whatever is necessary to get laid, and have little interest in more than that. But it goes deeper than that... testosterone is a mind altering drug. It clouds judgement. It's entirely possible for a guy to genuinely believe he's into you before you've slept together, and then his feelings change afterwards. 

Ultimately you're going to have to learn to be a better judge of character, rather than relying on whether or not you feel comfortable. Some guys are very practiced at making a women feel comfortable. There are enough decent ones out there though. But it sounds like you need some time out before searching for one again.

This is the part I do not get.  Can't guys just find women who are looking to get laid too, and that way they can be totally honest with them about what they want, and not have to manipulate?

Why don't all those guys who manipulate women into sex, just go for those women instead?

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

This is the part I do not get.  Can't guys just find women who are looking to get laid too, and that way they can be totally honest with them about what they want, and not have to manipulate?

Why don't all those guys who manipulate women into sex, just go for those women instead?

Because a lot of men  want sex but they do not want "easy" women.
They don't want women who are sleeping around.
They want "purer" women, so they lie to her to get the sex they want.

[ironpony]

But why do they want pure women just for sex, if it's just sex?  Why is the manipulation worth it?

[Andy_K]

16 hours ago, ironpony said:

This is the part I do not get.  Can't guys just find women who are looking to get laid too, and that way they can be totally honest with them about what they want, and not have to manipulate?

Why don't all those guys who manipulate women into sex, just go for those women instead?

Because there are about 100x more men looking for just sex than women. Supply and demand. An average looking woman could put a profile on a dating app looking for sex and get hundreds (or thousands) of interested matches. An average looking guy could do the same and receive zero. It's very, very imbalanced. 

Many guys who are looking for sex will try to increase their perceived 'market value' by claiming to be looking for a relationship instead. 

[ironpony]

12 hours ago, Andy_K said:

Because there are about 100x more men looking for just sex than women. Supply and demand. An average looking woman could put a profile on a dating app looking for sex and get hundreds (or thousands) of interested matches. An average looking guy could do the same and receive zero. It's very, very imbalanced. 

Many guys who are looking for sex will try to increase their perceived 'market value' by claiming to be looking for a relationship instead. 

Oh okay that makes sense.  I guess when I was looking for sex when I was single, I didn't want to deceive anyone, so I would just wait a bit if I had to for women who were also looking for sex to come my way, when it came to looking around.

[Woggle]

Between marriages I flat out told women I just wanted sex and that just made them want a relationship even more. People underestimate how the want what you can't have syndrome is with some women. Honestly if a men does want a relationship he is better off saying he only wants sex.

[Alpacalia]

Surely there are women looking for no-strings-attached sex, so why would a man have to claim to be interested in a "relationship?"

As for your question OP, maybe take a little break.

Develop a solid social circle, pursue work fulfillment, good lifestyle habits, and engaging hobbies to become more content within. Then you'll experience emotional highs in other aspects of your life and hopefully become less susceptible to the fly-by-night Tom, Dick, and Harries.

[Cookiesandough]

I can’t speak for men who lie and say they want to relationship when they just want sex… but I can speak for myself when I say the QUALITY of men you get when you say you’re looking for a long term relationship vs just casual is much higher, so I can only assume the reverse is true. I also assume that a lot even guys that are looking for casual do not ideally want a woman who sleeps around. A lot of them want a “good girl”. 
 

It’s can also be that women will often  date down for commitment, security, to get married or start familyetc  I think your average guy will get a lot more bang for his buck if he says he is looking for a relationship or open to the possibility than if he says he just wants sex. Not only might he be able to pull more women, but most likely more women in his “league”or higher. 
 

These are just ideas. At the end of the day, it is quite possible that these men actually did want a rship with opie  but they for whatever reason changed their mind after sex happened. What can you do 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

On 8/25/2021 at 9:48 AM, ironpony said:

But why do they want pure women just for sex, if it's just sex?  Why is the manipulation worth it?

Because they don't want diseases.

[stillafool]

On 8/26/2021 at 11:25 AM, Woggle said:

Between marriages I flat out told women I just wanted sex and that just made them want a relationship even more. People underestimate how the want what you can't have syndrome is with some women. Honestly if a men does want a relationship he is better off saying he only wants sex.

We've seen this happen over and over on this forum.  Girl meets guy, he tells her he doesn't want a relationship, she has sex with him hoping he'll change his mind, he doesn't, she comes to LS and accuses him of using her when she wanted it as much as him.  It's kinda sick.

[stillafool]

On 8/6/2021 at 1:32 AM, Weenyjoleeny said:

It's good for a couple of weeks, we'll start getting to know each other, I think it's going well. Maybe this one is special! I begin feeling more comfortable around them. They assure me that they like me. Text me goodmorning and goodnight. Take me out. Put in time. I feel comfortable enough to have sex with them. After we do they begin to distance themselves.

If you're having sex within a couple of weeks with them that may be the problem.  Don't have sex with them so soon regardless of what they say.  Wait until you've had time to get to know them better.  If they really want to be with you they will wait.

[Woggle]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

We've seen this happen over and over on this forum.  Girl meets guy, he tells her he doesn't want a relationship, she has sex with him hoping he'll change his mind, he doesn't, she comes to LS and accuses him of using her when she wanted it as much as him.  It's kinda sick.

That is the same thing that happened to the FWB I had between marriages. We both agreed that it was strictly casual and she herself said that only weak women care about love and commitment so I went into it thinking that everybody knew the score. Fast forward a few months and she is really falling for me so I break it off because I am not a sociopath and won't use a woman who has feelings for me and she accuses me of using her and throwing her away.

If she knew about LS she probably would have been posting about me. She is married now and I hope she is happy and found whatever she thought she found with me.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened to you, OP.  

It sounds like you have already learned that men are not always honest about what they are looking for or can be prone to changing their minds.  Quite honestly, neither of you know what you want out of that relationship at first - you might not want him long term.

Maybe rather than dating and saying upfront that you are looking for a relationship, date for a while and evaluate the guy.  It may be better to insist on an exclusive sexual relationship rather than more, until you really know more about how his personality stands up over time.  That way, neither of you feel trapped into anything.

If you say from the start you want a long-term relationship with a guy, what does he have to prove to you?  You've already accepted him.  He doesn't have to make an effort for you beyond the first few dates.  Once he has had sex, he has got everything he needed.  Maybe best to leave him wondering whether you are he are right for each other.  After all, you don't know from the start either.  Take your time getting to know the guy and find out more about him.  Wait until he asks for the relationship to become serious.  Don't offer him your heart until you are sure he wants it.

Hope it works out better for you next time xx

 

 

[Taramere]

On 8/6/2021 at 6:32 AM, Weenyjoleeny said:

I have never posted here. I really just needed to vent and put this down somewhere. I don't know why I can't get out of this cycle or how I keep letting this happen. I am pretty sure I have finally learned my lesson after the last man I was seeing.

I have been trying to get into a serious relationship and find the right person for me. I am very up front that I want something serious and that I'm not here to be some casual fling whenever I start seeing someone and they say they want the same. 

I would rethink that approach.  Not that it isn't good to be fairly clear about what you're looking for, but I suspect that if you place a lot of emphasis on not wanting to be some casual fling, men will perceive that as "she's been conned by guys who just wanted a casual fling"...and they might start seeing you in precisely the opposite light to that which you would like to be seen in.

Ask men questions.  A lot of them.  I don't mean like you're putting them on a witness stand and interrogating them, but allow your natural curiosity to come forth.  Be very curious about the man you're on a date with.  Most people do like to talk about themselves, and it's amazing what they'll reveal to you so long as you adopt a neutral, non judgemental approach.  If a man is only looking for casual sex, if you've refrained from telling him that you're definitely not looking for that, and if you're approaching the date in a spirit of friendly, non judgemental curiosity about him then the chances are he's going to convey the truth of what he's looking for pretty quickly.  Just remember that being non judgementally curious doesn't mean you let your own boundaries slip.