Breakup after 6 years help!

[MTee]

Any advice? My boyfriend of 7 years decided he wanted to end our relationship. His reasonings is he feels it’ll be less stressful. He says I don’t clean as much as he does, which is true he’s always been more OCD. I am a new night RN so I sleep lots. Also he said it was a buildup & my attitude is bad. I’m human, sometimes I do have an attitude. He says the relationship isn’t going anywhere but a week prior to this break up talk he was cumming inside of me trying to make a baby. We haven’t been having any issues and this came out of nowhere. I’m confused, and hurt. After the initial talk 2 weeks ago I’ve been cleaning more on my off days, cooking more and improving on everything he said. I’ve been asking if that’s what he wants & he has been avoiding a sit down for 2 weeks. Today I got him to talk and he’s still wanting to break up. I asked for another chance & he said I’m forcing him. He says communication been an issue. It was but we improved on that from the beginning of our relationship and he refuses to admit it. He’s my first bf, my first everything it’s so hard to walk away. He’s been all I’ve known for 6 years and I don’t think I can walk away from this. Whenever he hurt me, we talked it out and I gave him another chance but he won’t give me one. And when I talked to him and I said I don’t understand why he all of a sudden want to break up and he said “what’s there to understand” and was so cold to me. Idk what to do. Everyone is saying to give him space and maybe he come around but I don’t want to not be around him. He’s my whole heart.

[ExpatInItaly]

Has he never communicated any of these issues to you before? 

[Blind-Sided]

The problem is... sometimes people let things build until they actually talk about it.  But by that time... they are mentally done.  It's not fair to their partner... but it's the way it goes.  This happened with my exW... and I've seen it with a few of my female friends.  One of them would talk to their (now) exH... but he would ignore things.  When she finally said she was going to file is when he decided he was going to try... but by that time, it's too late. 

I'm sorry you are at that point... but there is really nothing you can do other than to move on. 

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry, OP.  It sounds like your boyfriend has decided and is not going to go back on this.  He could have mentally checked out some time ago, even though he wasn't behaving as if so.

I don't think it would help you to ask for or have another chance.  He is not happy with you to the point of saying he wants to split up.  How is staying with him going to make you feel better?  He is already hurting you.  I realise you are reacting out of shock; take some space for yourself to think this through.  Your boyfriend owes you that.

If your boyfriend is more OCD, then he probably is stressed that you are not keeping things the way he would/does.  However, it is only going to stress you more to feel you have to match up to his overly clean and tidy tendencies.  It sounds like you would be happier with someone more relaxed.

Once someone has lost their feelings for their partner, that is it.  You can't make him feel differently.  All you can do now is to separate as quickly as you feel able to and cut him out of your life.  Trying to keep him in it in any form will only hurt you.  You deserve someone who truly loves you and is not nitpicking.  You have a fantastic career ahead of you and opportunities will arise to meet the right guy.  For now, try to focus on building your life back up again and putting your boyfriend behind you.  Some things are just not meant to be and it's no-one's fault.

 

[MTee]

I have been giving him space by being out of the house. I was gone for 2 days and when I went back last night I got in bed, he got under the same covers as me a scooted really really close. It’s all so confusing, why would you want to lay close to someone you no longer like? He’s sending mixed signals. And I’m definitely in denial, I don’t want to lose him and I’m still holding on to hope bc this has happened in the past. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

16 minutes ago, MTee said:

I have been giving him space by being out of the house. I was gone for 2 days and when I went back last night I got in bed, he got under the same covers as me a scooted really really close. It’s all so confusing, why would you want to lay close to someone you no longer like? He’s sending mixed signals. And I’m definitely in denial, I don’t want to lose him and I’m still holding on to hope bc this has happened in the past. 

Did you say this has happened before?

Girl don’t stay with this clown.  He has shown you that he cannot be trusted to stay in a relationship with you.

You should dump him ASAP since you do not have children and can easily separate without too much untangling.

If you stay with him I guarantee you that the next time he breaks up with you will be at the worst time possible for you because frankly he cares very little for you.

‘Why do you want to stay with someone who does not truly love you? 

Don’t make the sane mistake I did and lose years in a dead end relationship. I learned from my mistake and am much happier now.  
 

You will be ok. 
 

 

 

 

[MTee]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I am really sorry, OP.  It sounds like your boyfriend has decided and is not going to go back on this.  He could have mentally checked out some time ago, even though he wasn't behaving as if so.

I don't think it would help you to ask for or have another chance.  He is not happy with you to the point of saying he wants to split up.  How is staying with him going to make you feel better?  He is already hurting you.  I realise you are reacting out of shock; take some space for yourself to think this through.  Your boyfriend owes you that.

If your boyfriend is more OCD, then he probably is stressed that you are not keeping things the way he would/does.  However, it is only going to stress you more to feel you have to match up to his overly clean and tidy tendencies.  It sounds like you would be happier with someone more relaxed.

Once someone has lost their feelings for their partner, that is it.  You can't make him feel differently.  All you can do now is to separate as quickly as you feel able to and cut him out of your life.  Trying to keep him in it in any form will only hurt you.  You deserve someone who truly loves you and is not nitpicking.  You have a fantastic career ahead of you and opportunities will arise to meet the right guy.  For now, try to focus on building your life back up again and putting your boyfriend behind you.  Some things are just not meant to be and it's no-one's fault.

 

 

On 8/6/2021 at 3:12 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Has he never communicated any of these issues to you before? 

 

1 hour ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Did you say this has happened before?

Girl don’t stay with this clown.  He has shown you that he cannot be trusted to stay in a relationship with you.

You should dump him ASAP since you do not have children and can easily separate without too much untangling.

If you stay with him I guarantee you that the next time he breaks up with you will be at the worst time possible for you because frankly he cares very little for you.

‘Why do you want to stay with someone who does not truly love you? 

Don’t make the sane mistake I did and lose years in a dead end relationship. I learned from my mistake and am much happier now.  
 

You will be ok. 
 

 

 

 

Yes, anytime things get tough or we have an argument he says he thinks we should break up. After he says that though 2 days later we’re all good again. However, things were going good and I finally got him to say he does want to marry me and have kids with me. A week prior we were trying and after the conversation we still weren’t preventing pregnancy. He was my first boyfriend and I strongly believe no one will love me like he does. Also, the thought of him loving and treating someone else as good as he did me makes me sick to my stomach. 

[MTee]

On 8/6/2021 at 3:12 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Has he never communicated any of these issues to you before? 

No, not really. He said it was a “buildup”. When I told him I’m willing to fix all the things he told me he said “now you want to fix it bc I mentioned breaking up”??? Like what? That’s what a relationship is about, communicating and fixing things. The thought of him not loving me and not wanting me anymore just makes me sick. I’m in denial, I’m aware of that but I just can’t imagine being without him. He was SO SO good to me in every way possible and I don’t think I’ll ever find someone like that ever again. 

[stillafool]

You can continue to twist yourself into knots to try to please him and hold onto him but he's still going to break up in the end.   It's best to keep your dignity, accept the inevitable and walk away with your head held high.   He's going to break up with you but you will be okay.  

[JRabbit]

12 hours ago, MTee said:

 

 

Yes, anytime things get tough or we have an argument he says he thinks we should break up. After he says that though 2 days later we’re all good again. However, things were going good and I finally got him to say he does want to marry me and have kids with me. A week prior we were trying and after the conversation we still weren’t preventing pregnancy. He was my first boyfriend and I strongly believe no one will love me like he does. Also, the thought of him loving and treating someone else as good as he did me makes me sick to my stomach. 

BBM. Got him to say?   He might have said that but it wasn't voluntary. Also stop trying to get pregnant with a man who doesn't want a life with you. Babies don't save relationships.

 

12 hours ago, MTee said:

No, not really. He said it was a “buildup”. When I told him I’m willing to fix all the things he told me he said “now you want to fix it bc I mentioned breaking up”??? Like what? That’s what a relationship is about, communicating and fixing things. The thought of him not loving me and not wanting me anymore just makes me sick. I’m in denial, I’m aware of that but I just can’t imagine being without him. He was SO SO good to me in every way possible and I don’t think I’ll ever find someone like that ever again. 

Sounds like he did try and work with you but you weren't willing until now when you realized he was serious. He called your bluff.  Now you are wondering if anyone will treat you as good. Did you deserve all that good treatment? It sounds like maybe you weren't the best gf?

[MTee]

33 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

BBM. Got him to say?   He might have said that but it wasn't voluntary. Also stop trying to get pregnant with a man who doesn't want a life with you. Babies don't save relationships.

 

Sounds like he did try and work with you but you weren't willing until now when you realized he was serious. He called your bluff.  Now you are wondering if anyone will treat you as good. Did you deserve all that good treatment? It sounds like maybe you weren't the best gf?

Last year we had an issue with him texting his female co worker and we had a serious talk and he said he wanted all of those things with me. I’m not perfect, and I may not have been the best gf this last year but for 6 years I stuck by his side when he was ashamed of me because I am bigger, he used to tell ppl he didn’t have a gf, and anytime we had a disagreement he would want to break up with me. But when it’s me who has the issue (cleaning, attitudes, ect) he wants to break up instead of fix it. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, MTee said:

Last year we had an issue with him texting his female co worker and we had a serious talk and he said he wanted all of those things with me. I’m not perfect, and I may not have been the best gf this last year but for 6 years I stuck by his side when he was ashamed of me because I am bigger, he used to tell ppl he didn’t have a gf, and anytime we had a disagreement he would want to break up with me. But when it’s me who has the issue (cleaning, attitudes, ect) he wants to break up instead of fix it. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? Is it your place or his place or do you co-own/co-rent? How old is he?

It sounds like you are walking on eggs and don't feel respected. Is that the case?

How can he continually threaten to breakup if you live together? Either he moves out...or not.

Hopefully you realize keeping you a secret, chronic criticism and chronic breakup threats are all forms of wearing you down, no?

Don't engage his disrespect. Next time he threatens a breakup, ask him when he will moving out.

 

[MTee]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? Is it your place or his place or do you co-own/co-rent? How old is he?

It sounds like you are walking on eggs and don't feel respected. Is that the case?

How can he continually threaten to breakup if you live together? Either he moves out...or not.

Hopefully you realize keeping you a secret, chronic criticism and chronic breakup threats are all forms of wearing you down, no?

Don't engage his disrespect. Next time he threatens a breakup, ask him when he will moving out.

 

We are both 25 and have been living together and inseparable since we were 18. At first it was his parents house, and about 2 years ago I moved with him to his own apartment. Yes, in the beginning it was bad but last year was probably the best year we’ve had and I finally had hope things were looking up for us. The being ashamed of me & telling ppl he didn’t have a gf was the first year we were together. We have came a long way since then & fought through it but I can’t understand why he won’t fight through this when it’s me? 

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, MTee said:

We have came a long way since then & fought through it but I can’t understand why he won’t fight through this when it’s me? 

Probably because he's been with you since he was 18 and now wants to date other people.  It's natural.  Most people do not end up with their first loves.  It's healthy to date other people before one decides to pick one to marry.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, MTee said:

I strongly believe no one will love me like he does

You mean like this?....

14 hours ago, MTee said:

anytime things get tough or we have an argument he says he thinks we should break up.

 

1 hour ago, MTee said:

we had an issue with him texting his female co worker

 

1 hour ago, MTee said:

he used to tell ppl he didn’t have a gf

 

1 hour ago, MTee said:

anytime we had a disagreement he would want to break up with me.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He probably met someone else he's interested in, and just got the go ahead from her to date. This is called monkey-branching. 

Let's hope you aren't pregnant. Why aren't you using any birth control?

 

[glows]

16 hours ago, MTee said:

I have been giving him space by being out of the house. I was gone for 2 days and when I went back last night I got in bed, he got under the same covers as me a scooted really really close. It’s all so confusing, why would you want to lay close to someone you no longer like? He’s sending mixed signals. And I’m definitely in denial, I don’t want to lose him and I’m still holding on to hope bc this has happened in the past. 

Physical closeness is a knee jerk reaction especially in close quarters like this. Ever heard of break up sex also? It's unlikely he's thinking through anything when he gets close to you in bed. I'm sorry you're so confused and hurt. Take some time to think over his words. Even if a partner is boiling mad and upset with you, a break up talk or request to break up should never be used lightly. He's started that process by talking about it so listen very carefully and choose your next step just as carefully. I think you are in shock at the moment but do not live in denial.

[MTee]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Physical closeness is a knee jerk reaction especially in close quarters like this. Ever heard of break up sex also? It's unlikely he's thinking through anything when he gets close to you in bed. I'm sorry you're so confused and hurt. Take some time to think over his words. Even if a partner is boiling mad and upset with you, a break up talk or request to break up should never be used lightly. He's started that process by talking about it so listen very carefully and choose your next step just as carefully. I think you are in shock at the moment but do not live in denial.

Yes, I have and we’ve been having a lot of break up sex. Sometimes I can tell he’s just not into it but he’s the one who initiates it. Now when he’s around me he seems angry or upset. Like I literally feel like he hates being in my presence. He doesn’t make eye contact with me, when he says something to me he says it really low and keeps the sentences really short. He has no reason to act that way with me and after 6 years of being together I do not deserve this. 

[MTee]

Just now, MTee said:

Yes, I have and we’ve been having a lot of break up sex. Sometimes I can tell he’s just not into it but he’s the one who initiates it. Now when he’s around me he seems angry or upset. Like I literally feel like he hates being in my presence. He doesn’t make eye contact with me, when he says something to me he says it really low and keeps the sentences really short. He has no reason to act that way with me and after 6 years of being together I do not deserve this. 

We live together he says I can stay there until I find somewhere else to go. Today I did something I haven’t done before, even in the past when he’s brought up breaking up. I deleted his number, and all of our pictures together. I’m not sure if this is progress for me or not. But I’m hurting, I’m trying not to be in denial but it’s hard to accept this. I can’t see myself accepting this anytime soon. 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, MTee said:

Yes, I have and we’ve been having a lot of break up sex. Sometimes I can tell he’s just not into it but he’s the one who initiates it. Now when he’s around me he seems angry or upset. Like I literally feel like he hates being in my presence. He doesn’t make eye contact with me, when he says something to me he says it really low and keeps the sentences really short. He has no reason to act that way with me and after 6 years of being together I do not deserve this. 

He would be upset or frustrated because he has no self-restraint and is contradicting himself. The sex unfortunately is meaningless. I'm very sorry you're in so much pain. 

Are you able to sort out a plan to leave and find a place? What does the timeline look like for you?

[MTee]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

He would be upset or frustrated because he has no self-restraint and is contradicting himself. The sex unfortunately is meaningless. I'm very sorry you're in so much pain. 

Are you able to sort out a plan to leave and find a place? What does the timeline look like for you?

No I mean, besides sex whenever he has to talk to me about anything he seems super upset. He has this pouty look & he talks super low in short sentences and it’s hurting me.  I can leave now but I physically cannot. I’m staying hoping that things will go back to the way they were. That me giving him space & not talking to him will get him to eventually relax and come around & not be so stressed. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, MTee said:

No I mean, besides sex whenever he has to talk to me about anything he seems super upset. He has this pouty look & he talks super low in short sentences and it’s hurting me.  I can leave now but I physically cannot. I’m staying hoping that things will go back to the way they were. That me giving him space & not talking to him will get him to eventually relax and come around & not be so stressed. 

See how it goes then. Everyone has their limits. 

Yes, I'm referring to his demeanour towards you in general. He resents you and I'd venture to say he resents himself also. He's trapped really. He wants you to leave but he has to do it in a humane and legal way requesting that you leave or giving you notice. You can stay if you wish but it may get ugly. Are there other reasons for him to be stressed? 

I hope you realize that his nitpicking your living habits or not being clean enough aren't the real reason he wants you to leave. He has checked out emotionally and isn't in love with you. A person who sees him/herself with a partner will be willing to come to a compromise and also appreciate that person's good points and be willing to work with the flaws or issues between the both of you. Lack of this is his disinterest overall with you. 

[JRabbit]

Don't give yourself to someone who won't give you what you want and need.  This sounds like a terrible relationship all around. Maybe take this time as an opportunity to move on and find something better. Someone being ashamed of you isn't someone treating you amazing.

[Miss Spider]

That sucks. I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out. I totally how it can seem like out of nowhere for the other person. I’ve never been broken up with yet  but broken up with people a lot and it sucks a lot. I sensed that they felt surprised because there is this propensity to act as though everything is normal up until the moment because you don’t want to be a d***. But then what that does is make it feel more d***ish to the other person which is why I think a lot of people act like a jerk in the rship to get the other person to leave. Anyway, this is your first relationship and first relationship rarely are the people you’re meant to be with forever. Accept the mistakes you made in the relationship, learn and grow, and become your best self for the next person. It will get better ❤️‍🩹 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, glows said:

He has checked out emotionally and isn't in love with you.

This is what it boils down to, yes. 

You will be okay, OP. This relationship is not very good, based on your own description. You just don't know anything else so you're scared about what's going to happen next, so you've convinced yourself that he's some wonderful guy and nobody will ever treat you like he does. But girl, he treats you like crap. This is not what a healthy and happy relationship looks like. 

A man who respects you and is in love with you is going to make you realize how much this man was not the one for you.