Breakup after 6 years help!

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, MTee said:

I don’t think this at all, I never did.

Not true. You did indeed worry there was someone else, or you wouldn't have asked multiple times to begin with.

A big part of your problem right now is that you are not being honest with yourself either. 

[MTee]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You did this to make him worry about you and that isn't fair either.  You should have told him you were going to your Mom's house to give him space so he'd know where you are.

He doesn’t tell me where he is either when he doesn’t come home after work. The last 3 days I’ve been here he didn’t tell me so I worry about him as well. I had to text him today to see where he was. It wasn’t to make him worry, it was to give him what he wanted and bc the way he was acting made it seem as if he seriously didn’t want to be around me. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

He doesn’t tell me where he is either when he doesn’t come home after work. The last 3 days I’ve been here he didn’t tell me so I worry about him as well. I had to text him today to see where he was. It wasn’t to make him worry, it was to give him what he wanted and bc the way he was acting made it seem as if he seriously didn’t want to be around me. 

But the difference is he isn't staying away to make you worry.  He doesn't want to come home anymore.  What did he want that made you text him?

[MTee]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But the difference is he isn't staying away to make you worry.  He doesn't want to come home anymore.  What did he want that made you text him?

Neither do I I don’t want to come home and see the person I love act as if they don’t want me there and it’s also not fair for him to not wanting to come home either so I went by my mom to give him his space and he got upset because I didn’t text him however when he doesn’t come home he doesn’t text me either again it wasn’t to make him worry I was thinking about both of us and this is why I’m going to go by my mother. Also when I text him he doesn’t text back and I can’t keep texting someone who doesn’t respond

[ExpatInItaly]

I would suggest staying with your mom for a little while, MTee, if it's possible. 

You're understandably very emotional right now, and being around him only hurts you more. Having space for you is important, since it is now up to you to start processing the closing of this chapter.

[MTee]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would suggest staying with your mom for a little while, MTee, if it's possible. 

You're understandably very emotional right now, and being around him only hurts you more. Having space for you is important, since it is now up to you to start processing the closing of this chapter.

You’re correct. Being away from him makes me feel good, because in a way I know being away from him makes me feel good. I’m trying, I really am but it’s going to take baby steps for me. I’m not going to text him or anything but at the same time I don’t want him to get upset with me again for it coming home. However he doesn’t respond to my texts so what’s the point in keep texting him? The rest of the week I’ll be away, and I know this is going to be hard but I have to do this for the both of us. I’m not sure if I asked this, but do you think it’s possible for us, in the future to rekindle our love? We didn’t have cheating issues, abuse issues or anything like that. I think he just outgrew me and want to experience different things. I can see myself hitting rock bottom soon and I guess holding on to hope is the only thing that will get me through that. I know this relationship is over, and for years I fought to keep us together and I guess I’m so used to do that it’s hard to let go. I need someone to tell me I will be okay,  because I don’t not feel like I will be no time soon. I want him to miss me, I want him to want me back and I want him to want to be with me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, MTee said:

I’m not sure if I asked this, but do you think it’s possible for us, in the future to rekindle our love?

Gently, no. I think that this has finally run its course. 

He was your first love, but he won't be your last. 

[MTee]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He isn't orgasming during sex because he just doesn't really feel that way about you now, and is not happy to be steamrolled into being with you

What I meant is, 4 days prior to our conversation about breaking up we were having sex and he was orgasming. Literally right after that, it’s like he turned off a switch and just couldn’t orgasm anymore. It’s odd, I don’t see how someone can switch that fast? 

[MTee]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Gently, no. I think that this has finally run its course. 

He was your first love, but he won't be your last. 

Okay. I just need space to try to start to process this and accept it. I’m having a really hard time with this and I cannot shake the feeling of hope that everything will be okay with him and I. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, MTee said:

It’s odd, I don’t see how someone can switch that fast? 

I've already offered my theory on that. 

I can't really add anything else. 

[MTee]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I've already offered my theory on that. 

I can't really add anything else. 

Thanks for all of your responses. You’ve helped me way more than you’ll ever know & I know at this point it’s up to me. I don’t even know where to start and I feel so alone. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

 I’m having a really hard time with this and I cannot shake the feeling of hope that everything will be okay with him and I. 

All totally normal. 

When we go through a break-up we didn't want, we naturally hope things will come back together again. I've been there. You have to trust that you will be okay. It will hurt for a while, but you will be okay. Now is the time to lean on the people who love you and have as little contact as possible with him. The transition from couple to exes is not easy, and it is not linear. It will be some time before you really start to accept it, but you will get there. 

And sometimes we have to accept that we might never get the answers we desperately want. But that't okay, too. Often times, knowing the answers to all our questions leads to more pain and more questions, and the cycle continues. 

[MTee]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All totally normal. 

When we go through a break-up we didn't want, we naturally hope things will come back together again. I've been there. You have to trust that you will be okay. It will hurt for a while, but you will be okay. Now is the time to lean on the people who love you and have as little contact as possible with him. The transition from couple to exes is not easy, and it is not linear. It will be some time before you really start to accept it, but you will get there. 

And sometimes we have to accept that we might never get the answers we desperately want. But that't okay, too. Often times, knowing the answers to all our questions leads to more pain and more questions, and the cycle continues. 

How did you get through yours? How long were y’all together & how long did it take you to accept & get over it? 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, MTee said:

How did you get through yours? How long were y’all together & how long did it take you to accept & get over it? 

Well, I'm 40 now and have been through a few significant break-ups, as many of us have. So it isn't just one. 

The one that was the most challenging - we were together about 7.5 years. (We lived together around 6.5 years) I knew it was coming, as we had been drifting apart. He was distant, I was distant. I couldn't quite place what it was, but I knew we weren't right together anymore. We'd been together throughout our twenties and I think we both just grew in different directions, and fell out of love with each other. I was willing to try to work on it, sort of. He had initially said he was, and then admitted he wasn't really into it anymore either. And so, we broke up. It was hard for both of us, as we loved each other a lot but had to admit that we didn't see a future together anymore. 

I took about a year on my own, processing, moving out, re-calibrating...and having fun as a single lady and figuring out what I wanted to do next with my life. It was an important year in my life, both with a lot of challenges but also a ton of fun getting back out there.  I have my best friends to thank for that. 

He is a few boyfriends ago now. We have not had any contact in nearly 10 years. No hard feelings, but we have both moved on. The man I am with now (almost 7 years) is a much better match. My exes were generally good men and I remember them fondly, but I also recognize that those relationships were not built to last. 

Edited August 15, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All totally normal. 

When we go through a break-up we didn't want, we naturally hope things will come back together again. I've been there. You have to trust that you will be okay. It will hurt for a while, but you will be okay. Now is the time to lean on the people who love you and have as little contact as possible with him. The transition from couple to exes is not easy, and it is not linear. It will be some time before you really start to accept it, but you will get there. 

And sometimes we have to accept that we might never get the answers we desperately want. But that't okay, too. Often times, knowing the answers to all our questions leads to more pain and more questions, and the cycle continues. 

Also, I don’t want him to be upset with me for going by my mom for the rest of the week. I’m sure he’ll know that when I don’t come home that’s where I’m at bc there is no where else for me to go. Why was he upset last time  I stayed by her? I thought that’s what he wanted, for me to leave? He told his dad bc I didn’t text him but I really thought I was doing the right thing. Giving him space away from me. Quite frankly, I don’t want to text him & tell him I’m going by my mom bc he doesn’t respond to my texts these days but I also feel like I’m doing something wrong by not telling him. His dad said I should text & tell him if I decided to spend a few days by my mother. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

Why was he upset last time  I stayed by her?

I don't know. And girl, in the grand scheme of things?

The answer to this question doesn't matter. It doesn't change the bottom line. You need to learn when to let go of inconsequential things. You're going in circles over details that are not important. 

Edited August 15, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't know. And girl, in the grand scheme of things?

The answer to this question doesn't matter. It doesn't change the bottom line. You need to learn when to let go of inconsequential things. 

I hate that. Because things like that make me feel like he doesn’t want me to go, making it harder for me to move forward. In a way, I know that it’s time for us to go our separate ways.  Regardless of the reasons. I know I’m a good woman, with a bright future ahead of me and I deserve someone who is sure of me. What’s holding me back is I feel like this is MY FAULT. So I want to fix it, make it better, be the woman he wants me to be. I know that space is needed, for the both of us to process our feelings. I don’t even want to think about dating anyone else. I don’t ever want to go through this hurt again. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, MTee said:

Also, I don’t want him to be upset with me for going by my mom for the rest of the week. I’m sure he’ll know that when I don’t come home that’s where I’m at bc there is no where else for me to go. Why was he upset last time  I stayed by her? I thought that’s what he wanted, for me to leave? He told his dad bc I didn’t text him but I really thought I was doing the right thing. Giving him space away from me. Quite frankly, I don’t want to text him & tell him I’m going by my mom bc he doesn’t respond to my texts these days but I also feel like I’m doing something wrong by not telling him. His dad said I should text & tell him if I decided to spend a few days by my mother. 

It's good that you are going to your Mom's for comfort and support.  The correct thing to do is to text him and tell him you won't be home for the rest of the week but staying at your Mom's house to give each other a break.  That text doesn't require a reply so don't be upset if you don't get one back. This way he will know where you are and not worry.  Then go to your Mom's and rest.  This is the right thing to do.

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, MTee said:

Why was he upset last time  I stayed by her?

Because he didn't know where you were and you could have been robbed, had a car accident or in the hospital.  He will be okay if you let him know where you are.

[MTee]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Because he didn't know where you were and you could have been robbed, had a car accident or in the hospital.  He will be okay if you let him know where you are.

But he didn’t text me either to see where I was so why do I have to text him? He also doesn’t text me, like I said, when he doesn’t come home so it’s not fair. I literally do not want to text him bc im tired of him not texting back. It’s like, he can do something but when it’s me it’s an issue. I’m going by my mother bc I don’t want to go there. When he doesn’t come home, knowing it’s bc I’m there is hard. I literally feel physically sick & I can’t do that to myself. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, MTee said:

But he didn’t text me either to see where I was so why do I have to text him? He also doesn’t text me, like I said, when he doesn’t come home so it’s not fair.

The difference is he's a man and can take care of himself.  You are a woman and could be in danger and he would be in trouble for not protecting you or knowing where you are.  Also it is his pattern to not always come home from work and not text.  That is not your pattern and cause for worry.  Do the right thing and let him know you are at your Mom's house.  The last time before you called his Dad you were supposed to be on your way to your Mom's but didn't go.  If you had you two would already be on a break.  You are doing the right thing by going to your Mom's and I don't blame you for that.

Edited August 15, 2021 by stillafool

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, MTee said:

Because things like that make me feel like he doesn’t want me to go, making it harder for me to move forward.

Things like what?  

 

20 minutes ago, MTee said:

What’s holding me back is I feel like this is MY FAULT.

This isn't your fault.  It's just that he's outgrown this relationship.  Don't blame yourself for something you have no control over.

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, MTee said:

What I meant is, 4 days prior to our conversation about breaking up we were having sex and he was orgasming. Literally right after that, it’s like he turned off a switch and just couldn’t orgasm anymore. It’s odd, I don’t see how someone can switch that fast? 

Was he the one trying to have sex with you or the other way around?

[stillafool]

On 8/11/2021 at 4:54 PM, MTee said:

I don’t see it as being okay though. I know I’m still young, and I know I have a bright future but what’s the point if I don’t have anyone to spend it with? I didn’t do this for just me, I did it for us and our future and I feel like it was all for nothing. Also, I don’t believe I’ll ever meet someone else. I’m a bigger girl, always have been & I just don’t feel like no one else will be attracted to me. I’m getting up there in age and I wanted children. 

As I told you before it doesn't matter if you're a bigger girl, there are men who love big women.  You got this boyfriend didn't you?  Plus you're an RN and know there are other alternatives to weight loss so it's up to you which way you want to go with that.  You still have time to meet a new man, fall in love, get married and have children.

[MTee]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Was he the one trying to have sex with you or the other way around?

Yes. It was mutual. I didn’t force him.