Breakup after 6 years help!

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, MTee said:

At the end of the day, I’m doing this to myself I know. But I can’t help it, I’m helpless and at this point it’s hopeless.

No, you are not helpless and not hopeless. Those are excuses. You are not a passive bystander but an active participant. You are absolutely not helpless. 

But you have to start trying. At the moment, you're not trying. You're getting in bed and having sex and pushing relationship talks on him. You're spending time together with him. That is not trying, and it the pain will continue if you keep making foolish choices. 

I would strongly uge you to seek some counseling either way, as you seem unable to cope and headed down an emotionally self-destructive path. 

Edited August 24, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, you are not helpless and not hopeless. Those are excuses. You are not a passive bystander but an active participant. You are absolutely not helpless. 

But you have to start trying. At the moment, you're not trying. You're getting in bed and having sex and pushing relationship talks on him. You're spending time together with him. That is not trying, and it the pain will continue if you keep making foolish choices. 

I would strongly uge you to seek some counseling either way, as you seem unable to cope and headed down an emotionally self-destructive path. 

I feel that way though. I just feel like I’m weak. This is my first ever break up so I’m not really sure how to handle it. But I know you’re right. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

This is my first ever break up so I’m not really sure how to handle it.

We've given you plenty of suggestions, to be fair. Things to do, things not to do.  

Have you tried any of them? It doesn't really seem you have, if I'm being honest. I get that you're not ready to let go but if you won't advocate for yourself, well, nobody can help you. My prediction is that this will drag out until he tells you to move out. 

[MTee]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We've given you plenty of suggestions, to be fair. Things to do, things not to do.  

Have you tried any of them? It doesn't really seem you have, if I'm being honest. I get that you're not ready to let go but if you won't advocate for yourself, well, nobody can help you. My prediction is that this will drag out until he tells you to move out. 

Possibly. And if he does that then I’ll have no choice. Like i said, this is my FIRST breakup and I’ve said plenty of times I’m not ready to let go. Yes I’ve gotten great advice and it’s up to me to do it, but I’m stuck. Things are easier said than done, as I’m sure you know & right now I’m in a very vulnerable state. 

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, MTee said:

Things are easier said than done,

Of course. I've been where you are, more than once. 

All you can do right now is take it a day at a time, and apply the advice if you want. The rest is up to you. What do your mom and brother suggest you do? I know you've shared with them about this, to some extent. Did they have suggestions for you?

[MTee]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Of course. I've been where you are, more than once. 

All you can do right now is take it a day at a time, and apply the advice if you want. The rest is up to you. What do your mom and brother suggest you do? I know you've shared with them about this, to some extent. Did they have suggestions for you?

They’ve also told me they think I should leave, give him space & maybe he will come around. But, I think it’s just so hard because like I said that’s also my home, my “safe place”. By my mom I won’t have my own room, my own space to cry, or to go when I just want to be alone & I need that. It would be better for me to get my own apartment, where I can be alone. I’m just scared. I’m terrified  to even began the journey of the next chapter my in life. WITHOUT him. Being so close to someone for 6 years to acting like complete strangers. I don’t know what to say around him anymore, or how to even hold a conversation, yet I’m still holding on. I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore, hoping it’ll come back.  Also, when he sends mixed signals, it gives me hope and makes me want to stay. This will be my first time ever living alone. All of it just gives me anxiety but at the same time, I’m tired of feeling hurt. When he gets home from work, I automatically get anxiety because he’s not the person I fell in love with. He’s not my best friend. I don’t even feel comfortable holding a conversation with this man anymore.  Like I said this is unreal; it feels like I’m in a nightmare that I just can’t wake up from. I can’t even comprehend this right now. I can’t believe the stuff he’s told me, I can’t believe half the stuff he said to me. 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, MTee said:

I feel that way though. I just feel like I’m weak. This is my first ever break up so I’m not really sure how to handle it. But I know you’re right. 

This is why at this point you need professional counseling.  We've done everything we can do or say on this forum to help you but you haven't moved an inch.  I know this is your first break up but you aren't the only one who has had a 1st break up.  Nor the only girl to lose her virginity at 18.  So did I.  Losing your virginity to your first love and a break up is normal in your youth.  Most people hurt, grieve and move on to acceptance and carry on with their lives and on to someone else.  You won't do that.  At this point you can help yourself  by getting professional couseling or just stay there until he finds and another girl and asks you to leave.  One thing is for sure at some point, if he's not asking you back, the latter will make you leave.

[KissingFire]

Oh, honey. Reading this was like going back in time for me.

First of all, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. There isn't a pain quite like losing your first love. I want you to know I made all of the same mistakes as you, crying, pleading, sleeping with him, etc, when I was 18. My boyfriend at the time did NOT want to be with me anymore, and no amount of reminiscing or sex made him change his mind. I stayed for way too long trying to change his mind, and then he got another girl pregnant. It almost killed me. I didn't know how to function without him, and there was my first issue.

I had to find out who I was again. I decided to take up higher education and I travelled. Sometimes on my own, sometimes with a friend. Take up a hobby, read a good book, go for long walks and try and find friends. Connect with old ones. I'm 27 now and going through heartbreak again. You can and will find love again. I never thought I would, and guess what? I did. You will get through this, but you have to distance yourself from him.

You are prolonging your own agony.

 

[MTee]

11 hours ago, KissingFire said:

Oh, honey. Reading this was like going back in time for me.

First of all, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. There isn't a pain quite like losing your first love. I want you to know I made all of the same mistakes as you, crying, pleading, sleeping with him, etc, when I was 18. My boyfriend at the time did NOT want to be with me anymore, and no amount of reminiscing or sex made him change his mind. I stayed for way too long trying to change his mind, and then he got another girl pregnant. It almost killed me. I didn't know how to function without him, and there was my first issue.

I had to find out who I was again. I decided to take up higher education and I travelled. Sometimes on my own, sometimes with a friend. Take up a hobby, read a good book, go for long walks and try and find friends. Connect with old ones. I'm 27 now and going through heartbreak again. You can and will find love again. I never thought I would, and guess what? I did. You will get through this, but you have to distance yourself from him.

You are prolonging your own agony.

 

Thank you for this!! It’s always comforting knowing that I’m not alone in this and there is hope!! I’ve gotten so much great advice and I know what I need to do. I listen to everything I’m told & talking here has made me feel soooo much better!! I’m so sorry you’re going through another heartbreak. If you want to talk, I’m here!