Breakup after 6 years help!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, MTee said:

No, we were fine prior to the conversation. This came out of nowhere & if he was thinking about it for a while he didn’t say anything. Like I said, we were trying for a baby not too long ago. We were fine. 

Gently, you need to go back and re-read your own posts. This is a relationship that was far from "fine", overall. 

Maybe it was alright for a few weeks or a few months, but MTee, what you describe is a relationship that was not healthy and not sustainable long-term. When you see that, you will be ready to let go. It will take time to get there. But this relaitonship most definitely was not the stuff of a lifetime, and he knew it. Hence pulling the plug now and not adding a baby to an already broken-relationship. He isn't overwhelmed. He simply knows this isn't what he wants for the rest of his life and he feels guilty for making you think it was. 

4 hours ago, MTee said:

How do I get over the urge not to text him?

With time, and re-directing your urges. This is why it is essential that you build up a social circle, with friends you can rely on. You text them when you need to, text your mom. Anybody but him. Write your thoughts here or in a journal if you need to. It gets easier to adjust to your new "normal" over time. You will have to un-learn the habit first, as we all do after a break-up. 

And yes, start looking at finding your own place. Recruit Mom to help you if the very thought is overwhelming. But you do need to get out of there as soon as you can. Believe me when I say that you will not want to be around him when he starts dating again. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, MTee said:

How do I get over the urge not to text him? I seriously want to text and talk to him but I know if I text him I’m only hurting myself. But still, I just want to talk to him. 

I know you want to talk to him but he does not want to talk to you.  You get over the urge to text by keeping yourself busy, work overtime, start searching for a new apartment, and make friends with other new young nurses you work with.  Where are you planning to go so you can leave and give him space?

[MTee]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Gently, you need to go back and re-read your own posts. This is a relationship that was far from "fine", overall. 

Maybe it was alright for a few weeks or a few months, but MTee, what you describe is a relationship that was not healthy and not sustainable long-term. When you see that, you will be ready to let go. It will take time to get there. But this relaitonship most definitely was not the stuff of a lifetime, and he knew it. Hence pulling the plug now and not adding a baby to an already broken-relationship. He isn't overwhelmed. He simply knows this isn't what he wants for the rest of his life and he feels guilty for making you think it was. 

With time, and re-directing your urges. This is why it is essential that you build up a social circle, with friends you can rely on. You text them when you need to, text your mom. Anybody but him. Write your thoughts here or in a journal if you need to. It gets easier to adjust to your new "normal" over time. You will have to un-learn the habit first, as we all do after a break-up. 

And yes, start looking at finding your own place. Recruit Mom to help you if the very thought is overwhelming. But you do need to get out of there as soon as you can. Believe me when I say that you will not want to be around him when he starts dating again. 

My brother and I are close. He has been giving me giving  great advice, however I feel like he’s getting really upset and angry with me at this point. I feel like I’m bothering everyone by keep talking about it. This is all so fresh and I need support more than anything right now but I don’t want to keep aggravating everyone. So in a way, I feel like I have to keep it to myself and all that will do is eat me alive. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, MTee said:

My brother and I are close. He has been giving me giving  great advice, however I feel like he’s getting really upset and angry with me at this point.

Why do you feel this? 

[MTee]

19 minutes ago, MTee said:

My brother and I are close. He has been giving me giving  great advice, however I feel like he’s getting really upset and angry with me at this point. I feel like I’m bothering everyone by keep talking about it. This is all so fresh and I need support more than anything right now but I don’t want to keep aggravating everyone. So in a way, I feel like I have to keep it to myself and all that will do is eat me alive. 

A great deal of ppl thinks he’s probably communicating & talking to someone else. I asked him, he said no before. I’m trying to keep an open mind. One day, I walked past him and he was texting & when I came out of the room he clicked off of the text and went to another text. I didn’t say anything about it. But I asked him again this morning is there someone else. I need to know. I feel like if he tells me yes that’s all the strength I need to leave. Because, in many ways I feel like it’s my fault, and I want to fix it. But if he is talking to someone else, then I’ll know it wasn’t me and there was nothing I could really do. It’s going to hurt I know it, but it’s something I need to know. Although I don’t think he is. Because we were having “break up” sex and he came inside of me. Why would he do that, knowing I could get pregnant if he was talking to/ dating another girl? I know him and he would not do that. At one point in the beginning of our relationship, before we started trying he was SUPER careful to not get me pregnant, and if I missed my period by one day he would be anxious. 

[MTee]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do you feel this? 

He told me I’m not listening & he doesn’t know what else to tell me.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, MTee said:

He told me I’m not listening & he doesn’t know what else to tell me.

Is he right about that?

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

But if he is talking to someone else, then I’ll know it wasn’t me and there was nothing I could really do. It’s going to hurt I know it, but it’s something I need to know.

I can understand that feeling, but if he is talking to someone else, you might never know. You can't force him to admit something he doesn't want to admit to. That's just the way it is, unfortunately. 

And at the end of the day, it doesn't actually change the bottom line: he's still choosing to end this relationship. You are under the mistaken assumption that this is somehow your fault and thus you would have the power to fix it - but you can't. If he doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing you can do about it. Nor should you bend over backwards trying. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, MTee said:

A great deal of ppl thinks he’s probably communicating & talking to someone else. I asked him, he said no before. I’m trying to keep an open mind. One day, I walked past him and he was texting & when I came out of the room he clicked off of the text and went to another text. I didn’t say anything about it. But I asked him again this morning is there someone else. I need to know. I feel like if he tells me yes that’s all the strength I need to leave. Because, in many ways I feel like it’s my fault, and I want to fix it. But if he is talking to someone else, then I’ll know it wasn’t me and there was nothing I could really do. It’s going to hurt I know it, but it’s something I need to know. Although I don’t think he is. Because we were having “break up” sex and he came inside of me. Why would he do that, knowing I could get pregnant if he was talking to/ dating another girl? I know him and he would not do that. At one point in the beginning of our relationship, before we started trying he was SUPER careful to not get me pregnant, and if I missed my period by one day he would be anxious. 

So you're still planning on hanging around hoping he will change his mind?  Of course he isn't going to tell you he's interested in another girl.  Most men won't do that as they don't want to hurt you.  What you do know for sure is he no longer wants this relationship and wants to dial it all the way back to friends.  You asking him over and over again if he's seeing someone else is not showing friendship but a possessive gf who he's trying to ditch.  Why are you not on birth control considering you're a RN and you know this guy no longer wants you?  Are you trying to get pregnant and become a single mom?  That is what your future will be because a baby will not make him stay.  BTW, most men hate condoms and if a woman is stupid enough to give it up and not make them use one they're going to go for it.  It's certainly not because they want you to get pregnant.  Especially at his age with his whole life ahead of him.  I can guarantee when you do leave you will then find out he is talking to someone else.

Edited August 11, 2021 by stillafool

[MTee]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So you're still planning on hanging around hoping he will change his mind?  Of course he isn't going to tell you he's interested in another girl.  Most men won't do that as they don't want to hurt you.  What you do know for sure is he no longer wants this relationship and wants to dial it all the way back to friends.  You asking him over and over again if he's seeing someone else is not showing friendship but a possessive gf who he's trying to ditch.  Why are you not on birth control considering you're a RN and you know this guy no longer wants you?  Are you trying to get pregnant and become a single mom?  That is what your future will be because a baby will not make him stay.

I’ve gotten him in the past to tell me he’s liked another girl before while we were together, and I’ve gotten him to tell me he was texting his co worker. Most of the time he’s honest about these things so I’m hoping he’ll be honest this time. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, MTee said:

I’ve gotten him in the past to tell me he’s liked another girl before while we were together, and I’ve gotten him to tell me he was texting his co worker. Most of the time he’s honest about these things so I’m hoping he’ll be honest this time. 

Why are you trying to get pregnant?

[MTee]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Why are you trying to get pregnant?

Currently, I’m not of course. But we both agreed that that’s what we wanted. He said 26-27 but he said I could possibly get pregnant sooner. He wanted this, it wasn’t just me. And he wanted this not too long ago. This is why I don’t understand how a person can switch from that to breaking up so quickly, especially knowing how he is & how serious he takes having kids. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, MTee said:

He wanted this, it wasn’t just me. And he wanted this not too long ago.

Well ask him today if this is still what he wants and you will have your answer.  Why would he want you to get pregnant when he wants to break up.

[MTee]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Well ask him today if this is still what he wants and you will have your answer.  Why would he want you to get pregnant when he wants to break up.

I asked him was he seeing someone else and this is what he said “At the end of the day I just wanna be free. Being free doing what I wanna do. I’m not tryna argue or go back & forth with you. I’m in control of my life just as your in control of yours. I’m not disrespecting you or anything. I honestly don’t hate you at all whether we’re together or not I still have nothing but love for you fr. Just bc we’re not dating means you lost me completely I know how to communicate and still respect you we can be friends. We’re not gonna always agree with certain things but not everybody meant to be the same” 

[MTee]

Just now, MTee said:

I asked him was he seeing someone else and this is what he said “At the end of the day I just wanna be free. Being free doing what I wanna do. I’m not tryna argue or go back & forth with you. I’m in control of my life just as your in control of yours. I’m not disrespecting you or anything. I honestly don’t hate you at all whether we’re together or not I still have nothing but love for you fr. Just bc we’re not dating means you lost me completely I know how to communicate and still respect you we can be friends. We’re not gonna always agree with certain things but not everybody meant to be the same” 

I worked up the courage to leave. Sometime this week when I’m off I’m going to pack my stuff and go. It’s the only choice left and although I know this is a big step it doesn’t feel like it. 

[stillafool]

So he wouldn't answer you directly as to whether he is interested in someone else or not.  Okay then assume he is.  It's okay as you are still young, have a great profession that you can go anywhere and be in demand.  You have a very bright future ahead of you.  It hurts like hell to lose your first love and we've all been there but let me tell you that your greatest love is yet to come and you have alot to look forward to.

[Snow_Queen]

8 minutes ago, MTee said:

I worked up the courage to leave. Sometime this week when I’m off I’m going to pack my stuff and go. It’s the only choice left and although I know this is a big step it doesn’t feel like it. 

It was the only choice you had. You did not paint a picture of a great relationship but one with many problems. He treated you poorly throughout your relationship. He sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. Start thinking about all of those awful things he said to you, how he tried to hide you, etc. That will help you move on quickly…it’s time to get angry over the way he treated/is treating you.

[MTee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

So he wouldn't answer you directly as to whether he is interested in someone else or not.  Okay then assume he is.  It's okay as you are still young, have a great profession that you can go anywhere and be in demand.  You have a very bright future ahead of you.  It hurts like hell to lose your first love and we've all been there but let me tell you that your greatest love is yet to come and you have alot to look forward to.

I don’t see it as being okay though. I know I’m still young, and I know I have a bright future but what’s the point if I don’t have anyone to spend it with? I didn’t do this for just me, I did it for us and our future and I feel like it was all for nothing. Also, I don’t believe I’ll ever meet someone else. I’m a bigger girl, always have been & I just don’t feel like no one else will be attracted to me. I’m getting up there in age and I wanted children. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, MTee said:

Also, I don’t believe I’ll ever meet someone else. I’m a bigger girl, always have been & I just don’t feel like no one else will be attracted to me. I’m getting up there in age and I wanted children. 

Nonsense.  BBW is in more than ever and if you dress up, do your make up, hair you will get takers.  Better than your ex.  It won't take long either if you get out there.  Someone will love you better than he ever did.  I see bigger girls getting married faster than skinny ones these days.  You'll probably meet someone at the hospital you work in.

[MTee]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Nonsense.  BBW is in more than ever and if you dress up, do your make up, hair you will get takers.  Better than your ex.  It won't take long either if you get out there.  Someone will love you better than he ever did.  I see bigger girls getting married faster than skinny ones these days.  You'll probably meet someone at the hospital you work in.

Maybe so. But even if he did meet someone new, when I leave do you think he’ll miss me? Even if he was “miserable” with me at the end. I mean, we were in love at one point and we were each other’s first everything. First love, first relationship, I broke his virginity and he broke mine. What are the chances of him missing me? 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, MTee said:

First love, first relationship, I broke his virginity and he broke mine. What are the chances of him missing me? 

FIrst loves are almost never our last. 

They're important for many reasons, but rarely the ones we stay with forever. And that's often a good thing, as we tend to outgrow our first loves as we grow up and our priorities and desires change. I believe that's ultimately what happened here. You two were comfortable together but he wasn't really in love anymore. So while he may miss some aspects of your and your companionship, if he is ready to move on, he won't miss the relaitonship the way you want him to. 

First loves tend to be training wheels for the more mature and significant relationships to come. You're panicking because you don't know anyone else and have nothing to compare him to, but this wasn't the great love of your life. There were a lot of serious problems and he's had one foot out the door for a long time. 

2 hours ago, MTee said:

I asked him was he seeing someone else and this is what he said “At the end of the day I just wanna be free. Being free doing what I wanna do. I’m not tryna argue or go back & forth with you. I’m in control of my life just as your in control of yours. I’m not disrespecting you or anything. I honestly don’t hate you at all whether we’re together or not I still have nothing but love for you fr. Just bc we’re not dating means you lost me completely I know how to communicate and still respect you we can be friends. We’re not gonna always agree with certain things but not everybody meant to be the same” 

You can probably assume that since he didn't actually answer your question, then the answer is yes. He avoided responding to what you actually asked and I don't think that was an oversight. My guess is that he doesn't want to hurt you any further by admitting that someone else is on his radar. 

For your own well-being, don't press him on this one anymore. You aren't going to get a straight answer, and it won't change the end result. It only serves to make you feel worse. 

Edited August 11, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

FIrst loves are almost never our last. 

They're important for many reasons, but rarely the ones we stay with forever. And that's often a good thing, as we tend to outgrow our first loves as we grow up and our priorities and desires change. I believe that's ultimately what happened here. You two were comfortable together but he wasn't really in love anymore. So while he may miss some aspects of your and your companionship, if he is ready to move on, he won't miss the relaitonship the way you want him to. 

First loves tend to be training wheels for the more mature and significant relationships to come. You're panicking because you don't know anyone else and have nothing to compare him to, but this wasn't the great love of your life. There were a lot of serious problems and he's had one foot out the door for a long time. 

You can probably assume that since he didn't actually answer your question, then the answer is yes. He avoided responding to what you actually asked and I don't think that was an oversight. My guess is that he doesn't want to hurt you any further by admitting that someone else is on his radar. 

For your own well-being, don't press him on this one anymore. You aren't going to get a straight answer, and it won't change the end result. It only serves to make you feel worse. 

But I feel like I need to know. I want to know . 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

But I feel like I need to know. I want to know . 

That may be. 

It still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to (or have to) tell you. 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MTee said:

Maybe so. But even if he did meet someone new, when I leave do you think he’ll miss me? Even if he was “miserable” with me at the end. I mean, we were in love at one point and we were each other’s first everything. First love, first relationship, I broke his virginity and he broke mine. What are the chances of him missing me? 

Of course he will miss you if you stay NC.  You can do what you want but at this point I wouldn't offer friendship to him after the break.  Why should he have the priviledge of your counsel, cooking, and personality after he let you go.  If you show him that you are a strong person and move on without bothering him sooner or later he's going to wonder what's up with you.  Now this may be after he's had a chance to date around first and realize what he had that is now gone.  In the meantime start moving on with your life and getting healthy.  If you feel you struggle with your weight try exercise and eating healthy.  It will raise your self esteem and as your body grows stronger so will your mind.  If you have severe weight issues you as an RN know there are other weight loss options available that give incredible results.  Remember you were his first love too and he's not going to ever forget you.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MTee said:

But I feel like I need to know. I want to know . 

You will know but it will be after you move out.  I'm sure there's someone else he wants to see or he would have told you "no" when you asked.

Edited August 11, 2021 by stillafool

[MTee]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You will know but it will be after you move out.  I'm sure there's someone else he wants to see or he would have told you "no" when you asked.

He told me no when I asked the very first time. But after getting advice everyone seems to think he’s talking to someone else, so I told him my perspective, that I feel his reasons were exucuses and I asked again was it someone else and now he won’t answer.