Breakup after 6 years help!

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, MTee said:

He told me no when I asked the very first time. But after getting advice everyone seems to think he’s talking to someone else, so I told him my perspective, that I feel his reasons were exucuses and I asked again was it someone else and now he won’t answer. 

Does it really matter in the scope of things?  He doesn't want a relationship with you is what you should focus on.  If not now very soon he will be seeing someone else so what difference does it make at this point anyway?  You can't spy on him with every girl he dates.  Actually the less you know about his dating life the better off you'll be.  You will be filled with hurt knowing what he's doing and with whom.  Why would you want to hurt yourself like that?

[MTee]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Does it really matter in the scope of things?  He doesn't want a relationship with you is what you should focus on.  If not now very soon he will be seeing someone else so what difference does it make at this point anyway?  You can't spy on him with every girl he dates.  Actually the less you know about his dating life the better off you'll be.  You will be filled with hurt knowing what he's doing and with whom.  Why would you want to hurt yourself like that?

It’s just the unknown that’s bothering me. I want to know if he’s talking to someone else. & I feel like he will move on and be happy and I will be miserable forever. No one will want me. 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, MTee said:

One day, I walked past him and he was texting & when I came out of the room he clicked off of the text and went to another text. 

 

9 hours ago, MTee said:

He told me I’m not listening & he doesn’t know what else to tell me.

 

4 hours ago, MTee said:

I asked him was he seeing someone else and this is what he said “At the end of the day I just wanna be free. Being free doing what I wanna do. I’m not tryna argue or go back & forth with you. I’m in control of my life just as your in control of yours. I’m not disrespecting you or anything. I honestly don’t hate you at all whether we’re together or not I still have nothing but love for you fr. Just bc we’re not dating means you lost me completely I know how to communicate and still respect you we can be friends. We’re not gonna always agree with certain things but not everybody meant to be the same” 

 

10 minutes ago, MTee said:

He told me no when I asked the very first time. But after getting advice everyone seems to think he’s talking to someone else, so I told him my perspective, that I feel his reasons were exucuses and I asked again was it someone else and now he won’t answer. 

As you can see from above he is giving you no hope to get back together and only offering friendship.  It's time to let him go.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, MTee said:

It’s just the unknown that’s bothering me. I want to know if he’s talking to someone else. & I feel like he will move on and be happy and I will be miserable forever. No one will want me. 

Now that you're broken up there is going to be nothing but "unknowns" between you two.  That's how break ups work.  People move on with their lives.

[MTee]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

You will know but it will be after you move out.  I'm sure there's someone else he wants to see or he would have told you "no" when you asked.

He finally said no after me asking multiple times. He said “I already said no stop asking me” 

[LivingWaterPlease]

You're getting good advice MTee! You're fortunate to have gotten a good education!

Best thing you can do now is the 180. Look it up. Give him more distance from you than he's asked for. Set your mind that you're leaving and moving on with your life. 

Exercise, eat right, get your sleep and do all you know to do to become the person you want to be. You have a lot going for you and there will be other men who want to be with you. I know right now you don't think you'd be interested but in time you will be. Seems to me anyone would be better than this guy who has treated you so poorly.

[IrinaM]

Cut that loser out of your life. You're an RN, right? Do you make decent money? Find a roommate or get your own spot, and hire a cleaning person to come in every couple of weeks. I know several nurses and doctors and they have too much to do, it's better to just pay someone to vacuum etc.

This dude is a total clown who does not love or respect you. He's clearly cheating. I get the feeling that you don't think you deserve love or respect because you're not as pretty as you wish you were. But all people deserve kindness and respect. You should make an appointment with a counselor (not a couples counselor, just for you) because I think you will need support as you process this breakup.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, MTee said:

He finally said no after me asking multiple times. He said “I already said no stop asking me” 

Good. Now, stop asking. 

Start making arrangements to find another place to live. It will take time and it will be difficult, but it will be the absolute best thing for you. 

[MTee]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good. Now, stop asking. 

Start making arrangements to find another place to live. It will take time and it will be difficult, but it will be the absolute best thing for you. 

I don’t understand why it was so hard for him to answer that question though. When I originally asked he said no. But this time it took him a while to finally say no after asking so many times. I don’t think he is, honestly by his behaviors. He still cuddles me, let’s me lay on his chest. When we’re in bed he has to touch me. Cumming inside of me still, telling me he’s going to buy me things, ect. All acts of intimacy and I can’t see him doing that if he’s interested in someone else. 

[MTee]

Just now, MTee said:

I don’t understand why it was so hard for him to answer that question though. When I originally asked he said no. But this time it took him a while to finally say no after asking so many times. I don’t think he is, honestly by his behaviors. He still cuddles me, let’s me lay on his chest. When we’re in bed he has to touch me. Cumming inside of me still, telling me he’s going to buy me things, ect. All acts of intimacy and I can’t see him doing that if he’s interested in someone else. 

And by the way, I don’t initiate none of these things. He does it himself, pulling me towards him, ect. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't matter why it  took him so long to say "no", MTee. 

The relationship is still over. 

 

Edited August 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, MTee said:

All acts of intimacy and I can’t see him doing that if he’s interested in someone else.

But for the record?

A lot of people do crap like this when they're insensitive and horny. It doesn't mean there is nobody else. 

You need to stop standing in your own way and making this worse for yourself. Your brother was on to something when he said you don't really listen, me thinks. 

Edited August 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

But for the record?

A lot of people do crap like this when they're insensitive and horny. It doesn't mean there is nobody else. 

But it’s not in a sexual way. It’s in a “I want to feel you next to me” sort of way. But, I know he wants to break up and I know the relationship is over, I just don’t understand why he’s so up and down. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, MTee said:

But it’s not in a sexual way. It’s in a “I want to feel you next to me” sort of way. But, I know he wants to break up and I know the relationship is over, I just don’t understand why he’s so up and down. 

That makes no difference.

He's still taking full advantage of you. You need to stop. You are behaving in ways that prolong your own misery, and then complain about how miserable you are. See how that works? 

Edited August 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That makes no difference.

He's still taking full advantage of you. You need to stop. You are behaving in ways that prolong your own misery, and then complain about how miserable you are. See how that works? 

I know. But this is all so fresh and I want him and only him. Idk what it will take me to realize this is over, but I think it is him talking to someone else. Also, he has said things about breaking up in the past so but we didn’t so I’m used to this in a way & just hoping we will go back to normal. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, MTee said:

Also, he has said things about breaking up in the past so but we didn’t so I’m used to this in a way & just hoping we will go back to normal. 

When did you self-esteem disappear, OP? And how? Serious questions.

The "normal" here is crappy. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend wouldn't even make my list of "Can Take Me to McDonald's For a Cone", that's how low-quality he is. I am not exaggerating, either. He jerks your around because your self-worth is in the toilet and he knows you won't say no to him. But he knows plenty of other women would not give him the time of day, so he circles back to you.  It's not love that keeps him coming back. You need to realize that. 

What does your family think of this clown? And your insistence on clinging to him? Or do they not know he's often threatened to break up with you and generally mistreated you? 

[MTee]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When did you self-esteem disappear, OP? And how? Serious questions.

The "normal" here is crappy. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend wouldn't even make my list of "Can Take Me to McDonald's For a Cone", that's how low-quality he is. I am not exaggerating, either. He jerks your around because your self-worth is in the toilet and he knows you won't say no to him. But he knows plenty of other women would not give him the time of day, so he circles back to you.  It's not love that keeps him coming back. You need to realize that. 

What does your family think of this clown? And your insistence on clinging to him? Or do they not know he's often threatened to break up with you and generally mistreated you? 

Well, I think what has me clinging to him is he is a GOOD man and I know a lot of men are absolutely not like him. He, in general, is a sweet person, kind hearted and my family loves him. He’s super nice, sometimes too nice. He cleans, washes clothes, all without me telling him to and he’s super neat. Sounds like husband material, right? And he’s supportive. While in nursing school, this man got on his knees and prayed with me every night that I’ll pass my exams. When I was down, he encouraged me and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. He hasn’t mistreated me in years. In the beginning, it was bad, him being ashamed of my weight, telling ppl he didn’t have a gf, & telling me “who wants to be with one person forever”. But we grew, our relationship improved & although I slacked off a LOT & maybe wasn’t the best gf, I know a good thing and what we had was good. However, long ago I know if I would have walked away he would have let me plenty of times. But I also know he would’ve came back. He had COVID last year in June and I slept on the couch for 2 months. When he tested negative I still slept on the couch. For a year we have been very distant & grew apart. I haven’t been “stressing” him out bc we haven’t even been bonding. He hasn’t stressed me out bc we give each other a lot of space. Him telling me he wants to break up is a big eye opener for me and now I want to fix things but he is unwilling and I feel as though it is my fault. 

[MTee]

Just now, MTee said:

Well, I think what has me clinging to him is he is a GOOD man and I know a lot of men are absolutely not like him. He, in general, is a sweet person, kind hearted and my family loves him. He’s super nice, sometimes too nice. He cleans, washes clothes, all without me telling him to and he’s super neat. Sounds like husband material, right? And he’s supportive. While in nursing school, this man got on his knees and prayed with me every night that I’ll pass my exams. When I was down, he encouraged me and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. He hasn’t mistreated me in years. In the beginning, it was bad, him being ashamed of my weight, telling ppl he didn’t have a gf, & telling me “who wants to be with one person forever”. But we grew, our relationship improved & although I slacked off a LOT & maybe wasn’t the best gf, I know a good thing and what we had was good. However, long ago I know if I would have walked away he would have let me plenty of times. But I also know he would’ve came back. He had COVID last year in June and I slept on the couch for 2 months. When he tested negative I still slept on the couch. For a year we have been very distant & grew apart. I haven’t been “stressing” him out bc we haven’t even been bonding. He hasn’t stressed me out bc we give each other a lot of space. Him telling me he wants to break up is a big eye opener for me and now I want to fix things but he is unwilling and I feel as though it is my fault. 

But, I been with him through hell and back. When his mother was sick, I took off of work & was there with him. I slept on the floor in homes with him, slept in not the best houses with him when I could have went home, went months without water for him when I could have went home when we lived with his dad, slept on air mattresses for months with him. That was the most stressful time in our relationship but I was THERE. Through it all. & I would do it all over again. How can he not see this? 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, MTee said:

Sounds like husband material, right?

No, he sounds like an adult who takes responsibility for himself. Doing his own laundry and cleaning up after himself are basic adult chores, that a lot of men do. You're giving him Gold Stars for basic skills, OP. And based on the fact that he's previously threatend break-ups, multiple times? And is now taking advantage of your inability to draw boundaries for yourself after breaking up again? Definitely not husband material. 

17 minutes ago, MTee said:

he is a GOOD man

A good man who tries to break up with you every time you argue? How does that work? That is a sincere question, I am curious to hear how you convince yourself he's a good man when he threatens to walk out on you. And has also kept you secret at any point in the relationship. That is not GOOD or "super nice." It's terrible. 

15 minutes ago, MTee said:

That was the most stressful time in our relationship but I was THERE. Through it all. & I would do it all over again. How can he not see this? 

He sees it. But that's not enough to keep a relationship together when he isn't in love with you anymore. So while those were nice things for you to do, his feelings for you changed. He doesn't have the same desire for you that you do for him, hard as that is to swallow. 

17 minutes ago, MTee said:

I know a lot of men are absolutely not like him

You're right - a lot of men would absolutely not mistreat their girlfriends the way this one has consistently mistreated you.

Sadly, you have deluded yourself into thinking this chump is some prize because you fear nobody else will like you so it gives you "reasons" to hang on. You have minimized the bad and vastly over-inflated the good in your own mind, because I suspect the truth is too painful for you to even consider. 

Again, I ask - what do your mom and brother think of him and the way he treats you?

Edited August 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, he sounds like an adult who takes responsibility for himself. Doing his own laundry and cleaning up after himself are basic adult chores, that a lot of men do. You're giving him Gold Stars for basic skills, OP. And based on the fact that he's previously threatend break-ups, multiple times? And is now taking advantage of your inability to draw boundaries for yourself after breaking up again? Definitely not husband material. 

A good man who tries to break up with you every time you argue? How does that work? That is a sincere question, I am curious to hear how you convince yourself he's a good man when he threatens to walk out on you. And has also kept you secret at any point in the relationship. That is not GOOD or "super nice." It's terrible. 

He sees it. But that's not enough to keep a relationship together when he isn't in love with you anymore. So while those were nice things for you to do, his feelings for you changed. He doesn't have the same desire for you that you do for him, hard as that is to swallow. 

You're right - a lot of men would absolutely not mistreat their girlfriends the way this one has consistently mistreated you.

Sadly, you have deluded yourself into thinking this chump is some prize because you fear nobody else will like you so it gives you "reasons" to hang on. You have minimized the bad and vastly over-inflated the good in your own mind, because I suspect the truth is too painful for you to even consider. 

Again, I ask - what do your mom and brother think of him and the way he treats you?

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, MTee said:

I don’t understand why it was so hard for him to answer that question though. When I originally asked he said no. But this time it took him a while to finally say no after asking so many times. I don’t think he is, honestly by his behaviors. He still cuddles me, let’s me lay on his chest. When we’re in bed he has to touch me. Cumming inside of me still, telling me he’s going to buy me things, ect. All acts of intimacy and I can’t see him doing that if he’s interested in someone else. 

When did he last do all of this?

[MTee]

36 minutes ago, MTee said:

 

What truth is too hard to consider? And, they don’t like how he’s going about the situation. And, maybe I am giving him gold stars bc I have never been in another relationship to see whats better. I don’t want to be with anyone but this man. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, MTee said:

What truth is too hard to consider? 

That this is a bad relationship and he is not a good man. 

And that he is not going to be your Forever Man. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, MTee said:

What truth is too hard to consider? And, they don’t like how he’s going about the situation. And, maybe I am giving him gold stars bc I have never been in another relationship to see whats better. I don’t want to be with anyone but this man. 

I thought you were leaving to go away for 3 days, what happened?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MTee said:

 I been with him through hell and back. went months without water for him 

Being a martyr is your choice, however it will not result in respect or reciprocation.

You dodged a bullet.

Now you're free and can examine why you believe you need to be a doormat.

Edited August 12, 2021 by Wiseman2