Breakup after 6 years help!

[MTee]

42 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The difference is he's a man and can take care of himself.  You are a woman and could be in danger and he would be in trouble for not protecting you or knowing where you are.  Also it is his pattern to not always come home from work and not text.  That is not your pattern and cause for worry.  Do the right thing and let him know you are at your Mom's house.  The last time before you called his Dad you were supposed to be on your way to your Mom's but didn't go.  If you had you two would already be on a break.  You are doing the right thing by going to your Mom's and I don't blame you for that.

How do I get over the urge to not text him when he doesn’t text me back? It makes me crazy when ppl don’t text me back, especially him, at a time like this when my emotions are high. All I want to do is talk to him but I know he wants his space and doesn’t want to text me. This is driving me crazy, he’s turning into someone I don’t know right before my eyes, doing things I didn’t think he’ll ever do like ignore my texts when I ask him questions & idk how to handle this. 

[Veronica73]

So, I’m a bit behind on this thread, although I read the whole thing. But MTee, I can practically guarantee you that you will be okay. And that you will find someone else who adores you and treats you better. And I bet he still loves you and will miss you. But he’s made it pretty clear he’s no longer in love with you and doesn’t want to be with you. (Also….I bet he is seeing….or at least is talking to somebody else.)

Personally, I’d pack up all my stuff as quickly as I could…preferably while he is at work. Stay at your mom’s, brother’s, or a hotel until you can find your own place. Find a new place to live as quickly as possible. Whether it’s your own place or you have to have a roommate or get a room in a coop. Rent a storage unit month to month and store the stuff you don’t need on a month to month basis until you find a new place to live. Just go. You’re going to be okay. You’ll find somebody better. 

[Veronica73]

5 minutes ago, MTee said:

How do I get over the urge to not text him when he doesn’t text me back? It makes me crazy when ppl don’t text me back, especially him, at a time like this when my emotions are high. All I want to do is talk to him but I know he wants his space and doesn’t want to text me. This is driving me crazy, he’s turning into someone I don’t know right before my eyes, doing things I didn’t think he’ll ever do like ignore my texts when I ask him questions & idk how to handle this. 

You’re going to have the urge to text him. That doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Just don’t do it. Talk to your mom or brother. Get in touch with some of your friends, even if they aren’t close friends. See if they want to get together. Go for a walk. Exercise. Breathe. Meditate. Distract yourself by reading a book or watching a movie or playing a video game. 

Also, I think you should find a good therapist. They can help you learn how to manage your emotions better.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, MTee said:

How do I get over the urge to not text him when he doesn’t text me back? It makes me crazy when ppl don’t text me back, especially him, at a time like this when my emotions are high. All I want to do is talk to him but I know he wants his space and doesn’t want to text me. This is driving me crazy, he’s turning into someone I don’t know right before my eyes, doing things I didn’t think he’ll ever do like ignore my texts when I ask him questions & idk how to handle this. 

You need to get busy doing other things.  Cook your mom and brother a meal when you get home.  Watch a movie with your brother.  You have to keep your mind busy at all times.  Once I went through a hard break up and I got a second job so I wouldn't get home until 11:00 PM and I was so tired all I did was fall asleep, wake up and it was the next day.  Pretty soon I didn't think about him that much because my mind had to be on other things.  Can you work extra hours?  

[MTee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You need to get busy doing other things.  Cook your mom and brother a meal when you get home.  Watch a movie with your brother.  You have to keep your mind busy at all times.  Once I went through a hard break up and I got a second job so I wouldn't get home until 11:00 PM and I was so tired all I did was fall asleep, wake up and it was the next day.  Pretty soon I didn't think about him that much because my mind had to be on other things.  Can you work extra hours?  

Can you tell me about your breakup? How long were y’all together, everything you did to cope, how long it took you to get over him? The urge to text him is so strong right now but I know it’s best if I didn’t. Im currently at work, and usually when I’m at work I’m about to keep my mind off of him but today I can’t. I’m struggling. Also, I am not texting him and telling him where I am tomorrow. He probably won’t make it home until he knows I left for work anyway. 

[MTee]

1 hour ago, Veronica73 said:

So, I’m a bit behind on this thread, although I read the whole thing. But MTee, I can practically guarantee you that you will be okay. And that you will find someone else who adores you and treats you better. And I bet he still loves you and will miss you. But he’s made it pretty clear he’s no longer in love with you and doesn’t want to be with you. (Also….I bet he is seeing….or at least is talking to somebody else.)

Personally, I’d pack up all my stuff as quickly as I could…preferably while he is at work. Stay at your mom’s, brother’s, or a hotel until you can find your own place. Find a new place to live as quickly as possible. Whether it’s your own place or you have to have a roommate or get a room in a coop. Rent a storage unit month to month and store the stuff you don’t need on a month to month basis until you find a new place to live. Just go. You’re going to be okay. You’ll find somebody better. 

That’s one thing I don’t believe, and it’s not because I’m in denial, ect. But I don’t think he’s currently seeing anyone else. I asked several times. The first time he said no. Then I asked again and he said no, and I asked again & he said “so you didn’t believe me the first time” and he said “what answer do you want to hear” and when he said yes I started to pack and leave and he said “why are you upset you wanted to hear this” and I said he wanted to break up bc he cheated and he said “I didn’t” and I said you’re talking to someone else and he said “I’m not”. His dad asked, and he’s really honest with him and he told him no. He said “Dad you know me better than that, she asked over and over and over and I said no and she kept asking so I told her what she wanted to hear”. 

[MTee]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't know. And girl, in the grand scheme of things?

The answer to this question doesn't matter. It doesn't change the bottom line. You need to learn when to let go of inconsequential things. You're going in circles over details that are not important. 

I’m currently at work and I cannot stop crying. I keep going to the bathroom bursting out in tears and this is just inappropriate. Usually work is a great distraction for me, but today is a very hard day. I just want to talk to my best friend. Although I know he doesn’t want to talk to me, which is why he’s ignoring me when I text. I know he’s under immense stress as well & I neeed to leave him alone and give him space. legit can’t do this anymore. I hurt and it’s unbearable. I literally feel physical symptoms of this. & I just can’t pull myself together. I need someone to come to my rescue & tell me everything is going to be okay and the only person that can make me feel better is him. 

[MTee]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All totally normal. 

When we go through a break-up we didn't want, we naturally hope things will come back together again. I've been there. You have to trust that you will be okay. It will hurt for a while, but you will be okay. Now is the time to lean on the people who love you and have as little contact as possible with him. The transition from couple to exes is not easy, and it is not linear. It will be some time before you really start to accept it, but you will get there. 

And sometimes we have to accept that we might never get the answers we desperately want. But that't okay, too. Often times, knowing the answers to all our questions leads to more pain and more questions, and the cycle continues. 

I’m spending the rest of the week by my mom to give him and I the space we both desperately need. I know I have been stressing him out, pushing him away. So, I will not be contacting him in that time. I won’t be home until later Saturday, & may even leave again before he’s home. And being honest with myself, I’m doing this in hopes he’ll miss me. Although he probably won’t. I’m also hoping being by my mother if only for these short few days will make it easier for me to not be around him. I know I’m going to be looking forward to seeing him again. When I do come back, I won’t bother him, try to talk to him about the relationship, ect. I’ll still give him space while in the same house as him, again hoping to put him at ease around me again.  This is going to be tough for me but I’m looking forward to seeing how I do. I know you say this has run its course, and you’re most likely 100% right but everyone is telling me to give him space and he’ll most likely miss me and come again. Granted, we have been inseparable for 6 years. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, MTee said:

everyone is telling me to give him space and he’ll most likely miss me and come again.

That's because they see how fragile you are right now, and don't want to hurt you by being more honest. And even if he does come back? He will leave again. No matter how you spin it, this relationship was not healthy. It wasn't going to last a lifetime. It's just been dying a slow death for a long time. 

5 hours ago, MTee said:

I need someone to come to my rescue & tell me everything is going to be okay

Actually, no. You don't need this. You want this, badly, but you don't need it. Be careful how much self-limiting talk you engage in. You are now responsible for telling youself that it is going to be okay. It's part of being an adult and not a kid, really. The man who caused your pain is not going to be person who makes it all alright. It's human to want that, but it's on you now. Not him. This is where you're going to find out what you are really made of; you're stronger than you think. Most of us are. But you have to start believing it, and stop depending on him for your emotional stability and well-being. 

2 hours ago, MTee said:

When I do come back, I won’t bother him, try to talk to him about the relationship, ect. I’ll still give him space while in the same house as him, again hoping to put him at ease around me again.

This is fine, but it's also beside the point. You need to start making plans to find your own place, or at least finding a place to stay for the next few weeks. Or he does.But you can't continue to share living quarters anymore.  You need space, and you need to be at ease. That will only truly happen when you physically separate from him.

You asked how I coped with the break-up I mentioned before? A big part of that was never again spending time together under the same roof. We were tied into a lease we could not break, so the night we broke up, my ex went to stay with his brother while I stayed in our house. And so it remained for the few months left on our lease. He would come back and pick up things he needed while I was at work (always letting me know he'd be dropping by, even if he had the keys too and it techincally still his house as well) We never crossed paths physically, and took care of logistics through phone calls or messages. So we never so much as bumped into each other in our house, much less spent the night in the same bed.  You have absolutely got to stop that, at the very least. 

It's hard and it will hurt, but you have to try. There is no other option, practically-speaking. 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's because they see how fragile you are right now, and don't want to hurt you by being more honest. And even if he does come back? He will leave again. No matter how you spin it, this relationship was not healthy. It wasn't going to last a lifetime. It's just been dying a slow death for a long time. 

Actually, no. You don't need this. You want this, badly, but you don't need it. Be careful how much self-limiting talk you engage in. You are now responsible for telling youself that it is going to be okay. It's part of being an adult and not a kid, really. The man who caused your pain is not going to be person who makes it all alright. It's human to want that, but it's on you now. Not him. This is where you're going to find out what you are really made of; you're stronger than you think. Most of us are. But you have to start believing it, and stop depending on him for your emotional stability and well-being. 

This is fine, but it's also beside the point. You need to start making plans to find your own place, or at least finding a place to stay for the next few weeks. Or he does.But you can't continue to share living quarters anymore.  You need space, and you need to be at ease. That will only truly happen when you physically separate from him.

You asked how I coped with the break-up I mentioned before? A big part of that was never again spending time together under the same roof. We were tied into a lease we could not break, so the night we broke up, my ex went to stay with his brother while I stayed in our house. And so it remained for the few months left on our lease. He would come back and pick up things he needed while I was at work (always letting me know he'd be dropping by, even if he had the keys too and it techincally still his house as well) We never crossed paths physically, and took care of logistics through phone calls or messages. So we never so much as bumped into each other in our house, much less spent the night in the same bed.  You have absolutely got to stop that, at the very least. 

It's hard and it will hurt, but you have to try. There is no other option, practically-speaking. 

 

I know ppl say leave now, it’ll be good for me but I don’t see how??? When I want to be with him. Being away from him will eat me alive. The only thing I want right now is for everything to be okay. I know I don’t have the strength to deal with this. You sound like you were stronger than I’ll ever be. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, MTee said:

know ppl say leave now, it’ll be good for me but I don’t see how???

Because this relationship is over anyway, MTee. 

Leaving now prevents you from prolonging the misery. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, MTee said:

I know I don’t have the strength to deal with this

When there is no other option, we find the strength. I promise. 

[MTee]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because this relationship is over anyway, MTee. 

Leaving now prevents you from prolonging the misery. 

Leaving will only make me more miserable. I can already see myself falling into depression. I don’t want it to end. I want to know ways that I can make it better. I know he said he wanted to break up but i want ways or ideas to fix this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, MTee said:

Leaving will only make me more miserable. I can already see myself falling into depression. I don’t want it to end. I want to know ways that I can make it better. I know he said he wanted to break up but i want ways or ideas to fix this. 

MTee, I am going to be a little harsh but it comes from a place of respect and with good intentions:

Your attitude here is pretty childish. It's all "I want, I want, I don't want." Nothing about respecting what he wants. Nothing about trying to respect his choice to end it. Yeah, you left for a bit to give him space but even that seems to have come from a place of serving your agenda (trying to make him miss you) You went to far as to call his Dad when you didn't get what you want, to try to make your ex give you what you want. There is a definite theme here. 

I understand that you are coming from a place of pain and utter desperation, but this is part of growing up and maturing emotionally: we don't always get what we want. And it makes no difference what we want, if the other person doesn't want it. You can want until you are blue in the face and kicking and screaming on the floor. 

Makes no difference. You have to deal with what you can't control. And you can't control this. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, MTee said:

Leaving will only make me more miserable. I can already see myself falling into depression. I don’t want it to end. I want to know ways that I can make it better. I know he said he wanted to break up but i want ways or ideas to fix this. 

What were his complaints about you that he wanted you to fix?

[Veronica73]

Didn’t you say earlier that you slept on the couch for a couple of months when he had Covid? And then you kept sleeping on the couch for awhile? Do I have that right? If so….why did you continue to sleep on the couch? 

[MTee]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When there is no other option, we find the strength. I promise. 

Honestly, I feel myself going into a deep depression soon. I feel like I have nothing to live for and I just want this pain to stop. I know ppl say talk to a therapist, ect but talking to people aren’t helping. I’ve talked to so many ppl & it’s helpful for that moment, but I’m back to feeling horrible. He ignores my texts now, ect. I messed up, I wasn’t the best girlfriend for him but he won’t allow me to fix it. It hurts when the person you love tells you they wouldn’t be mad if you talk to another guy. It hurts when the one you love doesn’t even orgasm when y’all have sex. It hurts when the one you love ignores your texts, sees you visibly hurting but don’t even care to comfort you. I’m not sure how everyone else got through this. I know everyone says it’s possible and I will be fine but I know I’m not. I just want this all to be over. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t imagine this pain “taking time” to go away. I can’t imagine even dealing with this for another day. I don’t even care about finding someone “better”, that’s not what I want. I don’t want another “love”. 

[IrinaM]

Hun you need to find a good therapist, see them twice a week, and you also need to see a GP or better yet a psychiatrist for medical treatment for severe depression. And that won't be a quick fix, you will have to stick with it. Commit to it. Your self-talk sounds like major depressive disorder, to me (not a dr or therapist).

 

[MTee]

2 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Hun you need to find a good therapist, see them twice a week, and you also need to see a GP or better yet a psychiatrist for medical treatment for severe depression. And that won't be a quick fix, you will have to stick with it. Commit to it. Your self-talk sounds like major depressive disorder, to me (not a dr or therapist).

 

I don’t think that’s going to work. Ive talked to so many ppl & nothing anyone is saying is making me feel better. The only thing that will help me at this point is being with him & things working out. I just don’t see myself surviving this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, MTee said:

I don’t think that’s going to work. Ive talked to so many ppl & nothing anyone is saying is making me feel better. The only thing that will help me at this point is being with him & things working out. I just don’t see myself surviving this. 

Wrong. That will keep you stuck in a bad relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be with you. He is evidently done. So, that option is off the table. 

So now what?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, MTee said:

I just want this all to be over. I don’t want to live anymore.

Please, call a doctor. Speak to your mom about this. You're a RN, no? Reach out to someone in the hospital who can connect you to emergency support services. 

This is not normal break-up pain any longer, but a serious cry for help. 

[MTee]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wrong. That will keep you stuck in a bad relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be with you. He is evidently done. So, that option is off the table. 

So now what?

 

But he’s been done in the past. This isn’t the first time we’ve gone through a rough patch where he said he thinks we should break up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, MTee said:

But he’s been done in the past. This isn’t the first time we’ve gone through a rough patch where he said he thinks we should break up. 

So? 

That doesn't mean that he isn't really done with it this time. On-off relationships come to end at some point. This is a terrible relationship either way and it was only a matter of time before it went off the rails forever. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

MTee, I am going to be a little harsh but it comes from a place of respect and with good intentions:

Your attitude here is pretty childish. It's all "I want, I want, I don't want." Nothing about respecting what he wants. Nothing about trying to respect his choice to end it. Yeah, you left for a bit to give him space but even that seems to have come from a place of serving your agenda (trying to make him miss you) You went to far as to call his Dad when you didn't get what you want, to try to make your ex give you what you want. There is a definite theme here. 

I understand that you are coming from a place of pain and utter desperation, but this is part of growing up and maturing emotionally: we don't always get what we want. And it makes no difference what we want, if the other person doesn't want it. You can want until you are blue in the face and kicking and screaming on the floor. 

Makes no difference. You have to deal with what you can't control. And you can't control this. 

What are your thoughts on the above, by the way? 

[glows]

7 hours ago, MTee said:

Honestly, I feel myself going into a deep depression soon. I feel like I have nothing to live for and I just want this pain to stop. I know ppl say talk to a therapist, ect but talking to people aren’t helping. I’ve talked to so many ppl & it’s helpful for that moment, but I’m back to feeling horrible. He ignores my texts now, ect. I messed up, I wasn’t the best girlfriend for him but he won’t allow me to fix it. It hurts when the person you love tells you they wouldn’t be mad if you talk to another guy. It hurts when the one you love doesn’t even orgasm when y’all have sex. It hurts when the one you love ignores your texts, sees you visibly hurting but don’t even care to comfort you. I’m not sure how everyone else got through this. I know everyone says it’s possible and I will be fine but I know I’m not. I just want this all to be over. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t imagine this pain “taking time” to go away. I can’t imagine even dealing with this for another day. I don’t even care about finding someone “better”, that’s not what I want. I don’t want another “love”. 

The more unresponsive you see him being towards you should be more proof of his lack of care. Hence, motivation to move forwards and out of this situation. You're still in a lot of shock and denial. The emotions are overwhelming, I'm sure, and the fact that you both have had an on/off pattern (break up/making up) worsens things. Don't delude yourself anymore. That's a kindness and a favour you are extending yourself. Don't be afraid to see things for what they are.