Breakup after 6 years help!

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, MTee said:

When I climbed into bed he got under my covers and pulled me close. When he feels me slipping away, or starting to not care it’s like he comes back. Or he missed me.

Yes he does have moments when he misses you two but not enough to want you back.  I agree you have to stop sliding into bed with him.  If he has a woman in his bed he will pull her close for sex.  Most guys will because they like sex but the act doesn't set him back the way it does you because he knows it's not going to change his miind about the break up; so in the end you're the one getting hurt and delaying your healing.

Leave your phone in your car where you don't have easy access to it to help you not text him while at work.

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, MTee said:

Neither of us tell each other where we’re going whenever we leave the house, and naturally I want to ask him where he’s going

This is another reason why you two should not be staying together in the same house now. Can you return to your Mom's? 

The less you know about him and his comings and goings, the better. 

[Staredad]

2 hours ago, MTee said:

What do I do when I have the urge to text and talk to him?

I'm afraid there is no "magic-bullet" kind of solution to these urges. They will reoccur sometimes, like an unwanted guest, and you'll feel like all your progress has got down the drain. Don't expect to heal doing only one thing, it's more like - doing several healthy things all at once and remebering you didn't create this situation - he did, he didn't keep his end of a bargain (or at least I think this stuff works like this). People deal with these kind of problems every day, globally, with the tools they have at their disposal, and with their own timing and finances. But it basically boils down to what others here have said, you have to remove the root cause of your anguish - not the symptom. Remove yourself physically from him, and stay at your moms if it's any way possible. As the saying goes, feel pain now - feel pride later. You'll become tough as nails if you go through this, and end up as not only a good woman (which you are), but as a tougher and braver one as well. Like a MTee version 2.0. 

 

2 hours ago, MTee said:

horrible urge to text him

See, it's basically your brain going through withdrawal. When you have the urge to text him, it's symilar to a nicotine addict wanting to go to a tobacco shop or a cocaine addict going to his dealer (not trying to put people in love and addicts in the same shelf though - but the neurochemical mechanism behind it looks like twin sisters). Stay away from him at least for a short while and you'll notice progress with each sunset. Dunno' if you use social networks, but block him or even better delete them, in order to make a new beggining without being reminded of him every day or his whereabouts. You can reestablish the networks later when the dust settles. Remeber your brain is punishing you beacuse it wants to prolong the species (read - children), but your brain doesn't know this guy isn't the only one, it just doesn't know better. That's why it hurts, not because he's special. Let me put it this way, in every breakup - your brain will try to do this. So it means there isn't only one and ideal person. It's the one that won't bail on you and the one who doesn't hurt you. 

 

3 hours ago, MTee said:

I want to ask him where he’s going

Another hormonal trick - the longing and romanticising things. Your brain is afraid of you somehow loosing him. Let me tell you this. He probably isn't gonna' die or evaporate or anything else. Moreover, when you see him in a couple of years - that exact brain that pushes you to him will be annoyed and say: "Oh look, there goes mister perfect." You'll be laughing your ass off once you see him without the rose tinted glasses, like a flawed human being which we all are. 

 

3 hours ago, MTee said:

I’m crying

It would be wheird if you were a fish. For us it's normal. It alleviates stress and it alarms other people to help us out. Which we do, since we're all extended family. 



Since this answer is already too long, I'll just write generally what helped me go through (doesn't mean it will help you, but it might):


1) Kid - My daughter reminded me that there's more to life, and that other people need me, and that I have to stay strong for them. 

2) Loved ones:  My mother and my best friend helped me a lot, they wouldn't let me drown in self-doubt and whiskey. I thought I had many friends,
                            but this experience showed me who my true allies were. I am gratefull I had them. If only two people, we were three heads together. 

2) God:  I prayed, beacuse I'm a believer, and it helped the most. I think God held my hand even when I aboandoned myself. 

3) Work:  It kept the sword of bankrupcy away from my head, kept me focused on other aspects of life - besides money does help make life way better.

3) Doing things I liked:  I drove my motorcycle. 

4) New hobbies/music:  I learned to sing and play acoustic guitar, which I would've never done in that relationship.

5) Traveling:  Visited Sweden, now planing to visit the Carribean.

6) Helping others:  Saved an abandoned kitten full of ticks and fleas. He's 4 now and lives with my parents. The local birds aren't that happy though. 
  
 
 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Staredad said:

2) God:  I prayed, beacuse I'm a believer, and it helped the most. I think God held my hand even when I aboandoned myself. 

This has always been the single most helpful thing that has helped me through breakups and everything else.  Prayer.

[MTee]

5 hours ago, Staredad said:

I'm afraid there is no "magic-bullet" kind of solution to these urges. They will reoccur sometimes, like an unwanted guest, and you'll feel like all your progress has got down the drain. Don't expect to heal doing only one thing, it's more like - doing several healthy things all at once and remebering you didn't create this situation - he did, he didn't keep his end of a bargain (or at least I think this stuff works like this). People deal with these kind of problems every day, globally, with the tools they have at their disposal, and with their own timing and finances. But it basically boils down to what others here have said, you have to remove the root cause of your anguish - not the symptom. Remove yourself physically from him, and stay at your moms if it's any way possible. As the saying goes, feel pain now - feel pride later. You'll become tough as nails if you go through this, and end up as not only a good woman (which you are), but as a tougher and braver one as well. Like a MTee version 2.0. 

 

See, it's basically your brain going through withdrawal. When you have the urge to text him, it's symilar to a nicotine addict wanting to go to a tobacco shop or a cocaine addict going to his dealer (not trying to put people in love and addicts in the same shelf though - but the neurochemical mechanism behind it looks like twin sisters). Stay away from him at least for a short while and you'll notice progress with each sunset. Dunno' if you use social networks, but block him or even better delete them, in order to make a new beggining without being reminded of him every day or his whereabouts. You can reestablish the networks later when the dust settles. Remeber your brain is punishing you beacuse it wants to prolong the species (read - children), but your brain doesn't know this guy isn't the only one, it just doesn't know better. That's why it hurts, not because he's special. Let me put it this way, in every breakup - your brain will try to do this. So it means there isn't only one and ideal person. It's the one that won't bail on you and the one who doesn't hurt you. 

 

Another hormonal trick - the longing and romanticising things. Your brain is afraid of you somehow loosing him. Let me tell you this. He probably isn't gonna' die or evaporate or anything else. Moreover, when you see him in a couple of years - that exact brain that pushes you to him will be annoyed and say: "Oh look, there goes mister perfect." You'll be laughing your ass off once you see him without the rose tinted glasses, like a flawed human being which we all are. 

 

It would be wheird if you were a fish. For us it's normal. It alleviates stress and it alarms other people to help us out. Which we do, since we're all extended family. 



Since this answer is already too long, I'll just write generally what helped me go through (doesn't mean it will help you, but it might):


1) Kid - My daughter reminded me that there's more to life, and that other people need me, and that I have to stay strong for them. 

2) Loved ones:  My mother and my best friend helped me a lot, they wouldn't let me drown in self-doubt and whiskey. I thought I had many friends,
                            but this experience showed me who my true allies were. I am gratefull I had them. If only two people, we were three heads together. 

2) God:  I prayed, beacuse I'm a believer, and it helped the most. I think God held my hand even when I aboandoned myself. 

3) Work:  It kept the sword of bankrupcy away from my head, kept me focused on other aspects of life - besides money does help make life way better.

3) Doing things I liked:  I drove my motorcycle. 

4) New hobbies/music:  I learned to sing and play acoustic guitar, which I would've never done in that relationship.

5) Traveling:  Visited Sweden, now planing to visit the Carribean.

6) Helping others:  Saved an abandoned kitten full of ticks and fleas. He's 4 now and lives with my parents. The local birds aren't that happy though. 
  
 
 

It’s like, I take 1 step forward and like a thousand steps back. When I feel like I’m going to be okay. Then, days like today I’m trying to talk with him, trying to fix things. I know he still wants to break up but I just don’t think I’m strong enough to even go through this. I’m not at ALL ready to let this man go. I’m not ready to pack my stuff up and go live with my mother. I’m not ready to move on from him. I ask him do he think we can fix it and he says “idk maybe”. I ask him if I should leave and he says “idk”. I told him I was going to move my stuff back & he said “okay”. I tried to talk to him a little today, hold a conversation and it worked some. We talked way more than we have in the past 2 weeks. Why am I so weak? Why can’t I just pick up my stuff and go? Honestly, going to work is a trigger for me, I’ve realized. When we first had the break up talk it was right before I went to work. When I’m hurting and crying the most, it’s when I’m at work. I’ll go hide out in the bathroom for a minute or 2 & start bawling crying. Today, I have work. And I’m feeling weak again. I don’t believe lll ever be okay unless I met someone else. I also don’t understand why when I get in bed he holds me like he do. It’s not even about sex, it’s him being intimate. It’s him showing me he missed me when I was gone all day. He’s just as confused as I am. I know if I was to leave & not look back he’ll miss me. It may honestly be the only way for him to see what he really has. But I’m not strong enough for that. I feel like I need someone available to talk to about this 24/7. 

[MTee]

5 hours ago, Staredad said:

2) God:  I prayed, beacuse I'm a believer, and it helped the most. I think God held my hand even when I aboandoned myself. 

I used to pray every night. I’ll definitely get back to that. I remember, going through nursing school this man got on his knees every night and prayed with me that I pass all my exams. In my mind, & idk why, I feel as though I’m not going to EVER find someone willing to do these things with me. And as I said before, the hardest part about all of this is him being one of my favorite people,  to him being someone I absolutely don’t know. It’s frustrating and all I want is for things to go back to how they were & idk how to get it back that way. 

[MTee]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes he does have moments when he misses you two but not enough to want you back.  I agree you have to stop sliding into bed with him.  If he has a woman in his bed he will pull her close for sex.  Most guys will because they like sex but the act doesn't set him back the way it does you because he knows it's not going to change his miind about the break up; so in the end you're the one getting hurt and delaying your healing.

Leave your phone in your car where you don't have easy access to it to help you not text him while at work.

 

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes he does have moments when he misses you two but not enough to want you back.  I agree you have to stop sliding into bed with him.  If he has a woman in his bed he will pull her close for sex.  Most guys will because they like sex but the act doesn't set him back the way it does you because he knows it's not going to change his miind about the break up; so in the end you're the one getting hurt and delaying your healing.

Leave your phone in your car where you don't have easy access to it to help you not text him while at work.

But when we do have sex he doesn’t even orgasm anymore. Which means not only is he stressed, he doesn’t think of me that way anymore, as someone said here. So why would he want sex from me? Why even initiate it if it’s not what you really want? Either way, I didn’t give in bc its hurtful and disappointing when he doesn’t orgasm so I don’t want to put myself through that. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MTee said:

Either way, I didn’t give in bc its hurtful and disappointing when he doesn’t orgasm so I don’t want to put myself through that. 

Good you didn't give into sex with him.  Now stop sliding into bed with him.  He'll never miss you if you keep doing the things you did before.  You need to start moving your stuff out.

 

1 hour ago, MTee said:

So why would he want sex from me? Why even initiate it if it’s not what you really want? 

Because it's there and even if he hasn't orgasmed in the recent past he still has the urge to - always.

[S2B]

The ONLY guy that struggled to orgasm was a guy that was doing drugs. It blocked his ability to get there.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, MTee said:

I feel as though I’m not going to EVER find someone willing to do these things with me.

But you've never really dated anyone else, right?

This is your fear and inexperience speaking. Lots of men do these things. He's not rare or unique in any way. 

[MTee]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Good you didn't give into sex with him.  Now stop sliding into bed with him.  He'll never miss you if you keep doing the things you did before.  You need to start moving your stuff out.

 

Because it's there and even if he hasn't orgasmed in the recent past he still has the urge to - always.

Yes, I do believe when I’m gone away he misses me. The minute I get into bed he’s all over me, and like I said it’s not in a sexual way. It’s almost as if it’s comforting for him, having me there close. It’s comforting for both of us. But when I talk about the break up he completely shuts down. I MISS him. I miss my other half and us not being on good terms is driving me insane. This just doesn’t make sense to me. I feel empty and incomplete. I will never be okay with this. 

[MTee]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But you've never really dated anyone else, right?

This is your fear and inexperience speaking. Lots of men do these things. He's not rare or unique in any way. 

No, I haven’t. And I know it’s my inexperience. And it’s comforting knowing he’s not rare or unique. But I feel as though I won’t see this until I’ve dated someone else. I won’t be over him until someone else comes along and I don’t know when that will be, if ever. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, MTee said:

 But I feel as though I won’t see this until I’ve dated someone else. I won’t be over him until someone else comes along and I don’t know when that will be, if ever. 

Why would you be that very rare exception that never meets anyone else in her life?

What makes you so different from everyone else?

 

[MTee]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Why would you be that very rare exception that never meets anyone else in her life?

What makes you so different from everyone else?

 

I’m not sure. I just don’t see anyone else coming along. I was a virgin till 18 & the only reason him and I met was because me and his sister were friends. I haven’t met anyone else in the 6 years we’ve been together so I just don’t see it happening. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, MTee said:

I’m not sure. I just don’t see anyone else coming along. I was a virgin till 18 & the only reason him and I met was because me and his sister were friends. I haven’t met anyone else in the 6 years we’ve been together so I just don’t see it happening. 

I don't understand your logic here.

Of course you haven't met anyone else. You've been dating him - why would you have met another guy? We don't generally try to meet others when we're already in relationships. You said before you also don't have any friends except for him,  so it's not as though you are even giving yourself opportunity to connect with others. It doesn't appear you have much of a social life, or other interests and activities beyond him. Where would you have even met another guy in all this time? 

Your thinking is very rigid and very self-limiting. You are throwing up obstalces in your own way, and that's usually a response to fear. When we fear the unknown  we convince ourselves that the future is dark and doomed, because that gives us a "reason" to hide a little longer behind the obstacles, and stay where things are more familiar. But that's often not an option we can use forever, and it's usually not the path to happiness. Life eventually kicks us out from behind those obstacles. That's what's happening here: you are going to be forced to let go of him whether you like it or not. 

You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy here. You won't meet someone else if you don't allow it to happen, and continue to hide behind your own shadow. You are a big part of your own problem. Nobody can help you with that but yourself. 

EDIT: By the way, being a virgin until the age of 18 is not uncommon at all. I don't know where you got the impression it was. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't understand your logic here.

Of course you haven't met anyone else. You've been dating him - why would you have met another guy? We don't generally try to meet others when we're already in relationships. You said before you also don't have any friends except for him,  so it's not as though you are even giving yourself opportunity to connect with others. It doesn't appear you have much of a social life, or other interests and activities beyond him. Where would you have even met another guy in all this time? 

Your thinking is very rigid and very self-limiting. You are throwing up obstalces in your own way, and that's usually a response to fear. When we fear the unknown  we convince ourselves that the future is dark and doomed, because that gives us a "reason" to hide a little longer behind the obstacles, and stay where things are more familiar. But that's often not an option we can use forever, and it's usually not the path to happiness. Life eventually kicks us out from behind those obstacles. That's what's happening here: you are going to be forced to let go of him whether you like it or not. 

You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy here. You won't meet someone else if you don't allow it to happen, and continue to hide behind your own shadow. You are a big part of your own problem. Nobody can help you with that but yourself. 

EDIT: By the way, being a virgin until the age of 18 is not uncommon at all. I don't know where you got the impression it was. 

I know I’ll be forced to let him go. I wish it were easy, because I hate feeling like this. He was my other half, and I feel like I’m literally lose half of myself. I can’t explain how I’m feeling, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever went through. I’m literally grieving someone who is still alive. No matter how bad I want this to be, he’s done with the relationship. I guess I have to learn that this isn’t for me to understand. It’s frustrating, in a way when the person you want to be with has no interest in being with you anymore. I know staying a virgin till 18 isn’t uncommon, I was saying that to say all throughout high school I didn’t date or even have a boyfriend. I honestly didn’t think I’ll ever have one before I met him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal after a break-up, MTee. 

Nearly every other dumpee has felt exactly the same feelings you're having now: losing their other half, having their life turned upsidw down, losing the "safe" place. It's part of loss and letting go. 

But you know what? Nearly everyone eventually moves on, too. I can't name one person close to me who has not found love again after their first relationship ended. You will too, when you're ready for it. 

 

[MTee]

On 8/21/2021 at 4:18 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal after a break-up, MTee. 

Nearly every other dumpee has felt exactly the same feelings you're having now: losing their other half, having their life turned upsidw down, losing the "safe" place. It's part of loss and letting go. 

But you know what? Nearly everyone eventually moves on, too. I can't name one person close to me who has not found love again after their first relationship ended. You will too, when you're ready for it. 

 

That’s good and comforting to hear. I can’t wait to get to that point because this sucks. Life sucks. All of this is stupid. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to him everyday, laughing with him, watching shows & movies with him. My life definitely has flipped upside down and now I feel lost. Where do I go from here? I feel like I went to school to be an RN for nothing, although I love what I do. Yes, I have a bright future but what’s the point if I’m not spending it with the person I had in mind? 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MTee said:

I feel like I went to school to be an RN for nothing, although I love what I do.

Hopefully you went to school to be an RN for yourself.  No one will value you if you don't value yourself.  It is unrealistic to believe that just because you want a person that person has to want you back.  I know that's hard to swallow because he WAS your boyfriend.  No relationship is a guarantee that people will live out there life together.  We all go through loss whether it is the death of someone we love or they decide to leave.  Yes it sucks and it hurts like hell but those feelings do not stop death or break ups from happening.   

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, MTee said:

I feel like I went to school to be an RN for nothing,

This is an example of how unhealthy your mindset is at the moment - absolutely everything revolves around your ex. 

It doesn't sound like you have any clue who you are as an individual, no sense of your own identity. And the truth is that the relationship you most need to work on is the one you have with yourself. 

Edited August 22, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is an example of how unhealthy your mindset is at the moment - absolutely everything revolves around your ex. 

It doesn't sound like you have any clue who you are as an individual, no sense of your own identity. And the truth is that the relationship you most need to work on is the one you have with yourself. 

I know. I think I just have the mindset of “your degree won’t keep you warm at night”. What’s the point in having all these nice things, traveling, ect if you don’t have that special person to experience it all with? He’s who I wanted to experience these things with. But, right now work is a MAJOR trigger for me. The day he broke up with me was literally an hour before I had to go to work. So everyday I have work it’s like I’m reliving that day over and over. Also, when I’m at work is when I have the biggest urge to text him, which usually results in me being even more hurt. I cry the most on my work days as well. It sucks & there’s literally nothing I can do about it. 

[stillafool]

I think it would help to get individual couseling at this point.  Especially if it's affecting your job.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think it would help to get individual couseling at this point.  Especially if it's affecting your job.

I absolutely agree. 

Sooner or later your employer is going to notice that you are not performing at your best, and sympathy for this sort of thing only goes so far in the workplace. You have to start trying, MTee. People experience all sorts of loss and trauma in their lives, and I speak from experience. We can succumb to it and screw ourselves up royally, or we can realize that we have to grow up and take life by the reigns because nobody is going to come to our rescue but ourselves. 

At the moment you have no coping skills, it seems, but you need to develop some. You will never get through life otherwise. A good counselor can help you with this. And stop saying you don't think it's going to work - you have no clue until you try, and genuinely try. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[MTee]

On 8/23/2021 at 1:21 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I absolutely agree. 

Sooner or later your employer is going to notice that you are not performing at your best, and sympathy for this sort of thing only goes so far in the workplace. You have to start trying, MTee. People experience all sorts of loss and trauma in their lives, and I speak from experience. We can succumb to it and screw ourselves up royally, or we can realize that we have to grow up and take life by the reigns because nobody is going to come to our rescue but ourselves. 

At the moment you have no coping skills, it seems, but you need to develop some. You will never get through life otherwise. A good counselor can help you with this. And stop saying you don't think it's going to work - you have no clue until you try, and genuinely try. 

It doesn’t affect my job in any way. I go to work and do my job as I’m supposed to, but for some reason my work days are when I’m the saddest because, like I said, it’s a trigger because it all happened on a day I had to work. I’m still in disbelief that I have to let go of my best friend. It seems unreal. I can’t believe people go through this everyday. He was literally the love of my life and I can’t even imagine life without him. This is literally killing me and eating me up inside. All I want is him. The only person I want to talk to right now is him. I miss our bond, I feel like I took us for granted and I’m craving him more than ever right now. I just want him to hold me tight again. I don’t know how I’m going to live without him. He was a big part of my life for a very long time. I just can’t. 

[MTee]

Just now, MTee said:

It doesn’t affect my job in any way. I go to work and do my job as I’m supposed to, but for some reason my work days are when I’m the saddest because, like I said, it’s a trigger because it all happened on a day I had to work. I’m still in disbelief that I have to let go of my best friend. It seems unreal. I can’t believe people go through this everyday. He was literally the love of my life and I can’t even imagine life without him. This is literally killing me and eating me up inside. All I want is him. The only person I want to talk to right now is him. I miss our bond, I feel like I took us for granted and I’m craving him more than ever right now. I just want him to hold me tight again. I don’t know how I’m going to live without him. He was a big part of my life for a very long time. I just can’t. 

He acts as though he still loves me, sending mixed signals I guess you can say? 2 nights ago he was on the couch, & I took the bed and he came in the room with me and got in bed. I was under my own covers, and he took those off of me and put me under his covers. He then put on my favorite movie, pulled me close and we had sex. It was initiated completely by him. The following day, he talked to me more. He brought me food and made sure I ate, as I haven’t been eating. Then, yesterday when he got up for work I was on the couch. He came and asked what was I doing, wanting me to get back in bed. But then yesterday evening, his mood was completely changed. I talked to him a bit and found out he had a stressful day at work. However anytime I ask him about us he says he don’t know, and I’ll talk but he’ll only listen, not really giving any feedback. I know he still loves me,  but I know he also wants to be single. I’m weak for him, which sucks as I wasn’t like this in the beginning of the relationship. I know he doesn’t want to be with me, but why do these things, making me feel special but don’t want to be with me? At the end of the day, I’m doing this to myself I know. But I can’t help it, I’m helpless and at this point it’s hopeless. I’m not opposed to counseling, I know it’s what I need but I feel like I’m going to be broken forever from this. I know this man still loves me, and I know if I had the strength to finally leave he’ll miss me for sure. But I don’t have that strength & I don’t know where to get it from.