Death of MM

[Scarlet2]

It was about 7 years ago when I first posted about the death of MM’s dad and needed guidance on how to process it and his behavior and how to keep us going because I wanted to be with him and would have done anything to make it work. And of course I learned that only works in authentic relationships, not what we had. And then later on about trying to process him ghosting me, the death of his mom and his trip to icu and trying to explain that I have a connection with him that I know when something is wrong. 

It’s been several years since I posted but I did end up getting a new job, I was away from the people that knew him, I continued to not reach out to him, I continued to ignore my spidey senses... until the other day...I couldn’t ignore it. Even if I had ignored it, people still contacted me about it so I still would have found out. I was just sitting up in my bed watching tv and the breath just suddenly escaped from my lungs and I had no clue why, it’s not normal, I wasn’t doing anything to cause it. Then I had a dream with him in it where I could sense his presence and I went to seek him only to find him being hurriedly ushered away. So short story long, my MM just died suddenly from covid. His service is Saturday and it’s like I want to go but I shouldn’t but I should because he meant the world to me but I shouldn’t because we weren’t in each other’s lives anymore. On the surface, everyone knows how close we were, just not the AP stuff, so it wouldn’t be unusual but I don’t know what he might have told his wife, I’m sure she asked him why I wasn’t around anymore, what explanation did he give. I don’t know what to do. I can’t wrap my mind around it and then my stupid thoughts wonder if he still would have caught it if he had gotten a divorce instead of staying.

But then I’m also happy for him because he wanted out, he wanted peace, he would say it all the time “take me, I’m ready to go” but since religion got a hold of him, the way out is death. He has it now and I’m kind of thankful that he ghosted me 4 years ago because if he had died while we were still in it, I don’t even want to think about it. He prepared me for life without him.

He’s going to be buried in a cemetery near my house which I find strange because we didn’t live near each other, the hospital where he passed wasn’t near me, his dad’s grave is two hours away. I would have thought his own town or where he was born. Why this cemetery, was it something he planned ahead of time, I’ll never know. 

I’m going to be unbecoming right now but his obituary is a joke. Thirty years of marriage and she doesn’t know anything about him, she made it about her. He worked to the bone his entire life before he quit 4 years ago and she says he was a business owner, he was not, she is, he stayed at home. No mention of his real career path, achievements and accolades that made him who he is. 

He is the love of my life and I will always love him and I will miss him forever. Yes, his treatment of me at the end sucked but I can’t dismiss all the good things he did for me before it went south. I’m so happy he is free. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. It's a shock when someone we were once close to passes away. 

2 hours ago, Scarlet2 said:

His service is Saturday and it’s like I want to go but I shouldn’t

It would be highly inappropriate for you to go, and very insensitive to his family. Grieve privately. Do not show up at his service and make an already painful time that much harder for them. Even if they don't totally know about your affair, it's clear from what you wrote that his wife probably suspected something was going on between you, and your presence at his funeral is likely not going to be welcomed. Say goodbye in your own discreet manner but please be mindul of their grief and stay away from his service.

2 hours ago, Scarlet2 said:

I’m going to be unbecoming right now but his obituary is a joke

What's written in his obit is not important, really. It's not how people closest to him will remember him anyway, and people who didn't know him won't really be interested in the details of his life anyway. 

[BourneWicked]

I'm so sorry. I'm happy for you that you are also free. 

[mark clemson]

Nice post. I'm sorry for your loss.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

My opinion on this one might be unpopular. I think maybe you should go but keep a VERY low profile. It would give you closure but, of course, be extremely sensitive regarding his family. Maybe keep to yourself, say your goodbyes to him privately in your head. In and out. Don't linger. 

At any sign that your presence causes distress, if it does, be humble and get out of there. 

Whatever you do, I'm sorry for your grief and hope you will feel better asap. 

Edited August 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added middle paragraph

[Gotthetshirt]

I'm sorry for the loss of your xmm. It has to be very hard to wrap your head around all of this. 

I,myself would go to the services and pay my respects. I'd be in and out and it would be closure to move on.

 

[FMW]

If seeing his obituary brought up resentments against his wife, I think attending the funeral would be even worse.  You'll see and hear the special attention given to her as his widow.

I don't think attending will give you closure.  That's  something you'll have to come to terms with on your own.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/6/2021 at 7:40 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It would be highly inappropriate for you to go, and very insensitive to his family. Grieve privately.

Agree. This is for his friends and family to grieve in peace. You're not part of his family.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. This is for his friends and family to grieve in peace. You're not part of his family.

Yes, this. 

It will likely not be interpreted as anything other than a kick in the face for the grieving family to see their recently-departed's former affair partner show up. Just don't. A funeral is a painful event they will remember forever. You don't want to make that worse, and an even more painful memory for them. 

Allow me to share a personal andecdote: My aunt passed away a few years ago after a battle with cancer. She'd had an affair, years prior. She and my uncle worked hard to put that behind them and improve their marriage. When she died, the former OM did show up at her funeral. He lingered near the back and I think he was hoping to go unnoitced. I will never forget the look of sheer heartbreak on my uncle's face when he happened to glimpse him there. It crushed him and brought back a wave of horrible memories on an already very difficult day. 

Please. Don't go. 

Since you know where he is going to be interred, visit his grave on your own time where you can remember him privately and say your farewells. 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened and the shock it has been for you.

It is clear you never got over MM and are still emotionally 'attached'.  This is sad because you were never free for all that time he was gone.  

Please don't go to the funeral.  You don't need it for closure and it would hurt all those in his close family circle, however you felt about them.

 

[Scarlet2]

I went to the service. I thought I would regret it if I didn’t go. I purposely tried to time it out so that I wouldn’t be there too long. It was a closed casket and I didn’t go up to it. I stayed toward the back, thinking I’d blend in but his older son came up to me first. He asked me how I as doing and said he would give me a hug but he reached out with a fist bump instead because of the social distancing we should be doing and thanked me for coming. He said he had a dream with his dad speaking to him and woke up 5 minutes later to the call that he was gone. 

 

And then unbelievably, xMM’s wife came up to me and I start bracing myself for whatever is going to happen. She said he would be happy to know that I came to see him, that he was always up for anyone throwing him a party because he liked to be the center of attention, and she said that he would want me to be strong. She said all they did was fight for 30 years but that was their way of showing love and she understands that he was tired of being in pain in the last few years and took the exit. 

 

With her saying that and the pastor saying that God is keeping xMM’s secret of the reason of his passing and no one mentioning any sickness or covid at all, making me think it might not have been covid like what was being claimed. Another skeleton added to his closet? Even his daughter said he was miserable to be around the last few years.

 

I didn’t stay for the burial. I wanted to be there but I also couldn’t get out of there fast enough. If your AP dies, I’m telling you don’t go to the service, just wait and pay your respects at the grave at a later time or bring someone with you. I don’t have anyone, mine will be a paupers funeral. You’ll regret going to the service more than not going. If they get cremated, then go to a place you had good times at and reflect there. Actually, don’t even start an affair, it’s more heartbreaking than anything on Earth. 

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, Scarlet2 said:

he was tired of being in pain in the last few years and took the exit. 

With her saying that and the pastor saying that God is keeping xMM’s secret of the reason of his passing and no one mentioning any sickness or covid at all, making me think it might not have been covid like what was being claimed.

This actually sounds like he might have taken his own life. Something is not being said, but it isn't totally important anymore. Sad for everyone involved. 

40 minutes ago, Scarlet2 said:

If your AP dies, I’m telling you don’t go to the service,

 

40 minutes ago, Scarlet2 said:

don’t even start an affair,

I do hope other OW will read and heed your words of caution here. 

[heartwhole2]

I'm very sorry for your pain.

You know, I think if you hadn't have gone, you would have regretted that too. This was always going to be a terrible thing because a beloved person was lost.

You obviously have a great capacity for love; in their way, MM's family was glad to know that you cared for him. It's understandable that you would feel alone on such a big occasion, but remember that while there is breath in our bodies, there is hope of a different tomorrow.

I'm thinking for you as you grieve and keep doing this beautiful, funny dance we call life. Look for the love around you; it's there.

[Scarlet2]

On 8/8/2021 at 7:04 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This actually sounds like he might have taken his own life. Something is not being said, but it isn't totally important anymore. Sad for everyone involved. 

I agree that something isn’t being said but it also doesn’t surprise me considering all the secrets in his family already. 

I’m struggling to process everything. So many unanswered questions. I haven’t been able to eat much. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I’m so lost and confused. I grieved already but here I am grieving again.

There’s no way it was covid especially when the funeral wasn’t delayed because aren’t you supposed to stay away from others for 2 weeks if you were around someone who had it? And then with his huge family, there was always someone posting whenever anyone was in the hospital, asking for thoughts & prayers, and no one said a thing about him being sick or in a hospital when I was trying to find out what happened like they did in the past. It went from he was here, to all of a sudden dead. And then with his wife saying he was bored... You don’t die from boredom unless you just don’t want to spend another 30 years with someone. How do you not mention covid, sickness, his last moments, or if he went peacefully or that the hospital did the best they could? Because it didn’t happen that way? Not one single person. I’d be like I’m angry covid took my husband. She said she was only angry that she didn’t get her 50th anniversary.

I knew him better than anybody, when you’re with someone 40+ hours a week, you learn a lot, he could be his true self around me. This is something he would do, I've suspected it many times that this is what he was planning, it would be the only way for him to leave, but he would never tell me when I questioned him, he would just say all will be revealed. He should have just gotten divorced, it doesn’t have to be “til death do us part” just to keep up appearances. But then again his family would still be pulling him in a hundred different directions so death was still his only way to peace.

Monday I was feeling a strong pull to go visit his burial space. I wasn’t sure where he was but I was drawn to a specific area but couldn’t figure out where I was supposed to park so I drove out and got back to that area from a different angle. I sensed correctly again because I got confirmation when I saw his son. I was happy I found xMM’s final resting place without even trying but sad because I didn’t want to interrupt, so I went home. Yesterday I didn’t feel the pull as strongly but I went, no one was there this time but I didn’t know what to say, I just stood there and was sad. 

I feel guilty that I didn’t try hard enough to pull him out of his misery. He should still be here, he was only 50 years old.

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind that the mistress is in the periphery and not in the loop. Whatever you knew about him was mostly fabrication. Sad, but true.

Step back and be glad you have closure. Now you can move forward that much wiser and freer and happier.

[BourneWicked]

There is no guilt for you... he couldn't have your friendship in the day light, so you had no obligations to him. Probably, you lightened parts of his life (more than a married man deserves from a woman who isn't his wife) 

[heartwhole2]

7 hours ago, Scarlet2 said:

I feel guilty that I didn’t try hard enough to pull him out of his misery.

This isn't your burden to bear. It's not anybody's. You can't cure another person's depression with love and support.

[Scarlet2]

My mind is still trying to process, so much confusion. I’m still not sleeping well. My heart hurts not knowing the details of what really happened to xMM. I didn’t want him to die. Was it instant, was he suffering? Did she DNR him? 

 

And for real, why the cemetery near my house? Why not one near her or with his other family that have already passed? His sister has to travel 2 hours to visit the site. There’s no one he knows in that cemetery and he’s isolated from anyone else that’s buried out there. The location of the plot is like saying: eh just dump him over there. So many whys.

 

And I don’t understand why I keep getting pulled to go visit his grave, he ghosted me without a word, and he didn’t even try once to mend the fence in the last 4 years, he didn’t want me in his life, why should I go there. I get pretty close but then I turn my car around. Should I or should I not go visit?

 

And then the guilt still comes. I never exposed him with a d-day to punish him for hurting me because I knew his punishment would be him staying in his environment and now he’s dead because he didn’t leave. I didn’t want him to die.

 

If you see your spouse isn’t happy or is a serial cheat, but they feel they have to stay out of obligation, just let them go to find their peace without having to die for it. By her own admission, they fought every day for 30 years. Who wants to live like that? That’s not love, that’s incompatibility. 

 

One of the last posts of his that I could find when I was searching for answers, the mother of one of his grandkids had posted something about friends not being mature and he said find new friends and she asked why and he replied with “some people just don’t want to change” and I could feel the heaviness in the tone. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Scarlet2 said:

 and now he’s dead because he didn’t leave.

I'm sorry but this is simply not true. Unfortunately your obsession seems to indicate that you may need to speak to your physician about your symptoms and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[pepperbird2]

6 hours ago, Scarlet2 said:

My mind is still trying to process, so much confusion. I’m still not sleeping well. My heart hurts not knowing the details of what really happened to xMM. I didn’t want him to die. Was it instant, was he suffering? Did she DNR him? 

 

And for real, why the cemetery near my house? Why not one near her or with his other family that have already passed? His sister has to travel 2 hours to visit the site. There’s no one he knows in that cemetery and he’s isolated from anyone else that’s buried out there. The location of the plot is like saying: eh just dump him over there. So many whys.

 

And I don’t understand why I keep getting pulled to go visit his grave, he ghosted me without a word, and he didn’t even try once to mend the fence in the last 4 years, he didn’t want me in his life, why should I go there. I get pretty close but then I turn my car around. Should I or should I not go visit?

 

And then the guilt still comes. I never exposed him with a d-day to punish him for hurting me because I knew his punishment would be him staying in his environment and now he’s dead because he didn’t leave. I didn’t want him to die.

 

If you see your spouse isn’t happy or is a serial cheat, but they feel they have to stay out of obligation, just let them go to find their peace without having to die for it. By her own admission, they fought every day for 30 years. Who wants to live like that? That’s not love, that’s incompatibility. 

 

One of the last posts of his that I could find when I was searching for answers, the mother of one of his grandkids had posted something about friends not being mature and he said find new friends and she asked why and he replied with “some people just don’t want to change” and I could feel the heaviness in the tone. 

gently,

Going over and over and over this isn't good for you. you're seeing meanings and connections in the decisions made by his wife and family about his burial etc. that more than likely aren't there.  It will keep you stuck.

I would advise you to top looking for "closure" and to start trying to find acceptance.

[Ha-ha]

9 hours ago, Scarlet2 said:

If you see your spouse isn’t happy or is a serial cheat, but they feel they have to stay out of obligation, just let them go to find their peace without having to die for it. By her own admission, they fought every day for 30 years. Who wants to live like that? That’s not love, that’s incompatibility. 

I am sorry for your loss it must be awful not to have the answers and never will. But this thinking is not helping:  all MM are free to go. They are not  chained to the dungeon (not physically anyway) and unable to leave. They are prisoners of their own mind and ideas or whatever. Spouses cannot make them leave, if they don’t want to. 
I wish you peace. 

[mark clemson]

"Closure" eventually comes from within when you have processed your experiences internally. The external stuff such as final conversations help it along, but it should come on it's own for you anyhow. It'll just take longer than you'd like.

In the meantime there is little point in worrying about things that are over with and cannot be changed. Enjoy what you do have, and, when you're ready, find ways to branch out and have new experiences and joys.

[spiritedaway2003]

First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Loss and grief touches us in different ways. 

Give yourself permission to grieve this loss of someone you once cared about and loved, dearly. 

I've been wanting to reply to your original question, but held off.  I figured you will do what you needed to do.  It's a very personal decision.

I think for me, I would not -- not because I want to attach any moralistic "right" or "wrong" to going vs not going, but my philosophy to funerals is that it's really for the living to grieve their loss.   If his family would be there, I would not want to be there to add to their pain (especially if they know about you).  That said, just because your love doesn't fall neatly into the societal construct doesn't mean that you didn't care or love him any less.  You still need to grieve the loss and you need to give yourself permission to grieve, even if it's privately.

I'm not surprised that there is probably a lot of guilt around what you wish you had said/done to help him.  The reality is much simpler:  Regardless of how or why his life ended (and understand that you might never truly know the reason), that there wasn't anything else YOU could have done.  He made his choices in life.  Whether he was happy or not, he always had the option of making a different choice (until he doesn't).  We only have one life to live; most of us do the best we can.  

A DDay isn't needed. It was always in his power to choose differently, so don't take on unnecessary blame and guilt for his death.  Don't hold resentful for his wife, either.  Remind yourself that no one held him hostage in his decision to stay.  He could have made a different choice.  He didn't.  And that's on HIM, not you, not his wife either.

Don't second guess on the reasons --it's neither healthy or productive.  If you struggle with this, work with a grief therapist -- it may help to unpack and find some real closure, free of resentments and anger. 

You know your own truths, and at the end of the day, that should be enough.  When your heart is finally ready to find closure, you will find it waiting for you (along with acceptance, grace and forgiveness). 

(Hugs)

 

[S2B]

On 8/7/2021 at 3:09 PM, spiderowl said:

I am sorry to hear what has happened and the shock it has been for you.

It is clear you never got over MM and are still emotionally 'attached'.  This is sad because you were never free for all that time he was gone.  

Please don't go to the funeral.  You don't need it for closure and it would hurt all those in his close family circle, however you felt about them.

 

I agree. You are still handing all of YOUR power to this MM.

work with a professional on how to gain YOUR power back.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

have you given some thought to honouring his memory in a way that's meaningful to you? This may sound corny, but it may be helpful. Perhaps you could make a monetary donation or make a gift in kind in his memory? You may never get the answers that you feel, right now, that you need. Acceptance will come in time, and there's every chance that, these answers will seem less and less important.