Pain shopping/reflections- 5 years post affair and divorce

[Starswillshine]

Definitely was not intentional, but I was going through trying to clear out my emails (in the many thousands) and organize it all. I came across a few emails between myself, my xWH, and his xOW. Then it just got me down the whole path of reading everything. A few things stood out:

Sometimes I feel like I am over exaggerating things with my ex. Remember him worse than it was; thinking it is just all the hurt and the pain. Then I read the words between us, and OUCH, he was worse than I even think. At least I know now I am just not a bitter ex-wife who won't give him ANY credit.

I often times think about myself during the "recovery" time and reconciliation time frames as super weak and pathetic. But then I read my words to him, I did have a backbone. I did not take much. 

Looking back on it, all those feelings of "this is something" or "he is still lying" I was correct 100% of the time. 

Reading through this might have sent me to a bad place, but it has actually done the exact opposite. I was wiser and stronger than I give myself credit for! I have been holding my head up a little more after reading. Of course, it helps that I am completely indifferent to my ex now. We have a great co-parenting relationship, and I know I could count on him to handle anything if needed. But I have zero feelings left for him. He's kinda like the annoying brother. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think it was a good thing to read through. It shows you how far you've come. As you said, it reminds you of your truth (you did better and he was worse than you remembered).

I had a similar experience in a therapy session. I read through old comments between me and xMM to therapist. I remembered feeling disempowered while in it and thinking he got away with so much, but upon reading those old messages I realized I also had a backbone and did a pretty good job of calling him out. Due to reading those, I feel proud of some of the things I said. I feel happy for the moments I stood up for myself. 

I hope you'll feel proud of yourself, too.  You definitely came out a winner in all of it. Keep taking care of you. 💜

[Starswillshine]

14 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I think it was a good thing to read through. It shows you how far you've come. As you said, it reminds you of your truth (you did better and he was worse than you remembered).

I had a similar experience in a therapy session. I read through old comments between me and xMM to therapist. I remembered feeling disempowered while in it and thinking he got away with so much, but upon reading those old messages I realized I also had a backbone and did a pretty good job of calling him out. Due to reading those, I feel proud of some of the things I said. I feel happy for the moments I stood up for myself. 

I hope you'll feel proud of yourself, too.  You definitely came out a winner in all of it. Keep taking care of you. 💜

YES!!!!  It was actually empowering to read back. Also, made me realize how much I have grown. He always tells me that I only want to see the bad in him, but I had forgotten the really bad and horrible things he said and done post DDays. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

YES!!!!  It was actually empowering to read back. Also, made me realize how much I have grown. He always tells me that I only want to see the bad in him, but I had forgotten the really bad and horrible things he said and done post DDays. 

Might be interesting if you shared some of these posts with him now so he can also see the bad in him. 😝  But seriously, if you did, hopefully he'll see he has grown, too. (I hope he has.) Hugs!

[Starswillshine]

15 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Might be interesting if you shared some of these posts with him now so he can also see the bad in him. 😝  But seriously, if you did, hopefully he'll see he has grown, too. (I hope he has.) Hugs!

Unfortunately, he has not changed. He is still a wolf in sheep's clothing. He plays the caring man quite well. He did it for nearly 20 years. But when the mask dropped, and I got to see who he truly was, that is when the evil came out. It took me awhile to overcome the shock of the words and actions of this man that I loved and slept next to for nearly two decades. 

He claims lots of self reflection over his actions and motivations. But these are limited to his cheating and how this affected everyone and how he turned all our lives upside down. He says he can never forgive himself, blah, blah <insert whatever self loathing comments you can think of>. How he could never do this again.... yet....

He has a live in girlfriend. And for the last month, he was in another state with his ex girlfriend. My son was with him and his girlfriend while another conquest was also hanging out. He does these things in her face.... but claims everyone is just super friends, don't worry. I can tell she isn't an open relationship type of girl given how possessive she is when they come here to pick up kids and/or be here for kid events. 

[glows]

^Sadly, his new partner very likely knows what he is but hasn't found the strength to face it. I'm glad you're in a much better place. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by glows

[Starswillshine]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

^Sadly, his new partner very likely knows what he is but hasn't found the strength to face it. I'm glad you're in a much better place. 

Thank you!

And I am afraid you are correct..I would warn her, but it would do no use. I'll just be the bitter ex wife and not believed. It's not worth my time nor energy. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Thank you!

And I am afraid you are correct..I would warn her, but it would do no use. I'll just be the bitter ex wife and not believed. It's not worth my time nor energy. 

I agree with you. Ironically an ex-girlfriend contacted me to warn me about my ex. He made her out to be unstable and crazy. The “super friends” part made me laugh though in your original post. Is that the term he uses? 

 

[Irock]

Oh I have the emails.. the journal.. it was pain.. it's hard to believe that I was in that place .. and he let me sit there.. did nothing .. it keeps me knowing even today ..  there's no way I can be anything with him.. friends??? No way

[usa1ah]

On 8/6/2021 at 12:39 PM, Starswillshine said:

YES!!!!  It was actually empowering to read back. Also, made me realize how much I have grown. He always tells me that I only want to see the bad in him, but I had forgotten the really bad and horrible things he said and done post DDays. 

I think I would send some of the hateful emails to him with a phrase saying like his own words keep you from seeing any good in him. 
 

I am glad reading the old emails has helped you regain some control. I think we all go through the thought process of “it couldn’t have been that bad”. Keep healing and moving forward. 

[Starswillshine]

On 8/9/2021 at 4:29 AM, usa1ah said:

think I would send some of the hateful emails to him with a phrase saying like his own words keep you from seeing any good in him. 
 

Nah, its of no use. He knows the person he is. He knows what he put me through, and I am sure I only know a fraction of the things he really did. 

I'm over all of it now. I have to roll my eyes when he acts like such an amazing man and dad. So much so he hadn't seen his kids for over a month, and then when he finally has then for a mere weekend, he sticks them with babysitter to go to a concert. Such a great dad who missed his kids so much. I just hate that my kids will feel that one day. 

[Starswillshine]

On 8/6/2021 at 6:10 PM, glows said:

I agree with you. Ironically an ex-girlfriend contacted me to warn me about my ex. He made her out to be unstable and crazy. The “super friends” part made me laugh though in your original post. Is that the term he uses? 

 

Not exactly the same term. Something like, "oh, we are just best friends. She is a super duper good friend to me." Etc. He tells me this ex girlfriend that he was with for the last month is absolutely his best friend and no one knows him like she does. Well, I have had convos with her (post break up) and I know 100% he is not being honest with her. Yeah, he has told her some of rhw ugly details of what he did. Because she was going through a divorce because her husband had an affair. But he played it off as, "I was an awful husband and cheated, and I lost my entire family from it. And I destroyed so many lives, feel for me because I am a victim now because no one wants me." Meanwhile, he ran off with the OW from our marriage to "meet up" while he was dating her. And cheated on her. Of course, he was not honest about that exchange. She broke up with him because she felt she couldn't trust him.... rightfully. But they remain friends. 

I'm just happy to be out of the emotional entanglement that was my marriage and aftermath. I am happily moved on with someone else with a relationship that is night and day different. The baggage is still there though. Unsure how long until that will go away. I mean, I still struggle to trust and still have a good bit of anxiety of my BF cheating. But I think that is to be expected given the deception. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Not exactly the same term. Something like, "oh, we are just best friends. She is a super duper good friend to me." Etc. He tells me this ex girlfriend that he was with for the last month is absolutely his best friend and no one knows him like she does. Well, I have had convos with her (post break up) and I know 100% he is not being honest with her. Yeah, he has told her some of rhw ugly details of what he did. Because she was going through a divorce because her husband had an affair. But he played it off as, "I was an awful husband and cheated, and I lost my entire family from it. And I destroyed so many lives, feel for me because I am a victim now because no one wants me." Meanwhile, he ran off with the OW from our marriage to "meet up" while he was dating her. And cheated on her. Of course, he was not honest about that exchange. She broke up with him because she felt she couldn't trust him.... rightfully. But they remain friends. 

I'm just happy to be out of the emotional entanglement that was my marriage and aftermath. I am happily moved on with someone else with a relationship that is night and day different. The baggage is still there though. Unsure how long until that will go away. I mean, I still struggle to trust and still have a good bit of anxiety of my BF cheating. But I think that is to be expected given the deception. 

He doesn't seem of sound mind so good riddance. People like that continue to dig themselves holes to fall in. It's a repetitive cycle. I am really glad you're out of there. Are you talking to anyone about that anxiety, ie. therapy or counselling? It sounds like you're doing much better and surrounded by people who care about you. 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

He doesn't seem of sound mind so good riddance. People like that continue to dig themselves holes to fall in. It's a repetitive cycle. I am really glad you're out of there. Are you talking to anyone about that anxiety, ie. therapy or counselling? It sounds like you're doing much better and surrounded by people who care about you. 

Thanks!

And yes, I have a strong team around me!

I was in therapy for many years. So I have learned how to cope with my feelings of anxiety over deception. They still creep in, but I have been very lucky that my boyfriend understands mostly. He took on having to prove himself from the beginning even though that should not have been his job. Anytime things start to creep up, I remind myself that in the past I have been worried about something and then was able to verify that every thing was on the up and up. I have mostly gotten myself to the point of trusting without having to verify. Which feels like huge growth. 

[BetrayedDad]

On 8/11/2021 at 12:09 PM, Starswillshine said:

Thanks!

And yes, I have a strong team around me!

I was in therapy for many years. So I have learned how to cope with my feelings of anxiety over deception. They still creep in, but I have been very lucky that my boyfriend understands mostly. He took on having to prove himself from the beginning even though that should not have been his job. Anytime things start to creep up, I remind myself that in the past I have been worried about something and then was able to verify that every thing was on the up and up. I have mostly gotten myself to the point of trusting without having to verify. Which feels like huge growth. 

Congrats on 5 years and doing better, especially with trusting.  I’m going on 4 years this year and still have a hard time letting my guard down.

[Starswillshine]

5 hours ago, BetrayedDad said:

Congrats on 5 years and doing better, especially with trusting.  I’m going on 4 years this year and still have a hard time letting my guard down.

Thank you. It has been a long road to get here. Just last year, I was having freak outs. Constantly looking for red flags, and then running at the sight of anything that might wave. My poor boyfriend.