He's messing with my head!

[financial_ad429]

I’ve been involved with a textbook narcissist & avoidant attachment guy for a few years. Would love to understand him better so I can keep him around. He’s married but YEARS ago left his wife and child “for work” and will readily admit he didn’t have to, just felt like it, for $/selfishness/freedom. He says he barely speaks to his wife, which I believe, if only bc he would call me every night when visiting his child for hours, and they aren’t even social media friends lol.

We’ve been sexually involved but then he’ll randomly announce he doesn’t need it and reject me. He’ll tell me he doesn’t want me sexually while calling me for phone sex almost every night or asking for an occasional oral favor in person.  Tells me we are just friends, then gets belligerent if I admit to dating anyone else. Once he claimed he was really interested in some faraway woman, told me to find someone else, and we didn’t speak for a while. During that, I slept with 1 person once after getting to know him for months. And when I later told the narcissist this, He freaked out and said he’ll never sleep with me again because of what I did. Because of what? He specifically told me to find someone else! Yet he continues tons of sexual conversations with me, And obsesses over trying to find out details of my single encounter that wasn’t him. Recently he said he was upset that taking me out to a nice dinner didn’t seem to be good enough for me since it wasn’t followed by sex. He says he just wants to be alone and doesn’t want sex because it involves connection with another human, yet he texts me all day, if we go out then he’ll start texting me again within half an hour. And some of that is sexual. Sometimes talks about how we “could’ve ended  up together”

I know he’ll always go thru cycles of pushing me away, whether it’s acting religious (“I can’t have sex outside of marriage”) or just disappearing bc he wants his freedom. But I really do love being around him & the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me. So how do I keep him around… knowing he’s personality disordered and I’ll never have him as a “normal” partner?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

. He’s married but... . I really do love being around him & the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me. So how do I keep him around.

It's unclear why you are happy with this situation when you're identifying so many red flags 🚩

You may want to consider having good sex in the context of a happy relationship rather than trying to overlook all the bad stuff just to have someone around.

[stillafool]

This guy is just using you and you are perfectly happy just letting him do it.  How to keep him around?

14 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

really do love being around him & the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me.

Just let him continue to use you the way he has been doing and he will stick around until he goes back to his wife or actually finds a girl he respects.

[financial_ad429]

I hear you…. You’re right… how can I actually be respected?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, financial_ad429 said:

how can I actually be respected?

Dump him in exchange for self-respect.

[Mrin]

2 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

I hear you…. You’re right… how can I actually be respected?

Find a man who will respect you. This man won't no matter what you do.

[kendahke]

Quote

How do you keep a relationship w narcissist?

I don't. They need a relationship with a psychiatrist, not me.

Quote

how can I actually be respected?

by not doing this:
 

Quote

 

 keep him around. 

He’s married

We’ve been sexually involved

he gets belligerent

the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me.

So how do I keep him around

 

That is SOOOOO not a cute look, girl!

Edited July 21, 2021 by kendahke

[financial_ad429]

It’s funny how he freaks out over me sleeping with 1 person once , after telling me many times to move on… 

[stillafool]

Has he actually been diagnosed with NPD?  I'm asking because that word gets thrown around so much and by definition could also apply to you.

[Donnas]

Dont matter the story, if he is married he is not single!!!!!!

Beside he is narcist?

So he be lying manipulating, using you on all levels. You may not even know it.

And if he dont contact his wife and have a kid ,and have a wife but seek you, shows he dont even respect the one he got something special with for ages. Not even to check on his kid . Since she got the kid.

You are the other women. And it wont end good for you. Break it of now before it get worse. He is using you till he back with his wife he will drop you cold hearted. Thats how it gos in affairs. 

Many single guys out there,who will respect you. Date them.

[financial_ad429]

On 7/22/2021 at 7:10 PM, Donnas said:

Dont matter the story, if he is married he is not single!!!!!!

Beside he is narcist?

So he be lying manipulating, using you on all levels. You may not even know it.

And if he dont contact his wife and have a kid ,and have a wife but seek you, shows he dont even respect the one he got something special with for ages. Not even to check on his kid . Since she got the kid.

You are the other women. And it wont end good for you. Break it of now before it get worse. He is using you till he back with his wife he will drop you cold hearted. Thats how it gos in affairs. 

Many single guys out there,who will respect you. Date them.

It’s good advice but not sure how he’ll ever get “back with” his wife. They obviously had so little together that he moved far away unnecessarily for years despite their kid, and he continues to sext me and see me all the time.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/21/2021 at 6:53 PM, financial_ad429 said:

how can I actually be respected?

You can't. Not by this guy. 

There is no "getting around" this. He's not going to change for you. 

[mark clemson]

Quote

How do you keep a relationship w narcissist?

Easy, I suppose.

Just hang around, allow yourself to be abused emotionally (and possibly physically), discarded, and then sucked back into the "relationship" when it's convenient for them. Really just a matter of being available and putting up with whatever they dish out, I think.

Why anyone would allow this, however, is a separate question and not one I think I have a good answer for.

Have you considered seeing a therapist so you can get help extricating yourself from this? Probably a good idea IMO...

Edited July 26, 2021 by mark clemson

[financial_ad429]

I’ve been seeing a married man for a few years. He moved to the opposite coast from his wife and son. Says he hasn’t made any physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for the kid and because he doesn’t want to lose half of his wealth. He keeps me hidden and says he wants no relationship or commitment. But if I see anyone else he becomes enraged.

At one point he told me he wanted some other woman romantically and she was coming to stay with him for a few weeks, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for about a month. I did date somebody and slept with them once. Recently I told this married man. Now all he does is try to make me feel horrible for it. From my standpoint if he doesn’t want commitment with me then he has no right to make me feel this way. And it’s one person one time in years whom I slept with! He intermittently gets turned on and wants the sexual details of that one encounter, and totally shuts me out and makes me feel guilty for it. Can’t I make him understand that if he doesn’t want to commit to me then this is what will happen?

Edited August 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in title

[basil67]

The problem here is that you're allowing him to get to you.  Thing is, nobody can make you feel guilty if you don't allow them to.  Likewise, you can't MAKE him understand anything.   

If he gets outraged at you seeing someone else, then end the conversation.  This may mean walking out of the hotel/telling him to leave/hanging up the phone/stop responding to messages.   By all means, contact him again the next day, but if he raises the issue, rinse and repeat.  Make it 100% absolutely clear that you will not tolerate any discussion of this kind.

[financial_ad429]

Thanks, so you don’t think I’m wrong do you? He told me he did not want commitment. Worse than that, telling me he wanted some other woman and not speaking to me for weeks on end? How, in that situation, am I possibly wrong for dating or sleeping with someone else? I am so committed when actually in a relationship

[basil67]

No, you're not wrong for sleeping with men other than the MM.    Given that he's lying to and cheating on his wife with you, he hasn't got a leg to stand on when accusing you of doing the wrong thing.

I would suggest that you tell him that you can and will be seeing other men, and that you won't be entering into any discussion over it.  Tell him that if he doesn't like it, he can move on and find some sap who's willing to put her life on hold for him.

Edited August 7, 2021 by basil67

[glows]

Date whomever you want, preferably not a married person. You’re setting yourself up for heartache and failure, not to mention exposing yourself to people like this of questionable character and intention. He’s really, just a run of the mill jerk. And he’s that way because he’s trapped in a loveless marriage (or so he says).

What is it about him that you like? Please don’t say multi-tasking abilities. 

[financial_ad429]

On 8/6/2021 at 11:47 PM, glows said:

What is it about him that you like? Please don’t say multi-tasking abilities. 

The drama and complexity. With my ex husband we had zero passion, nonexistent sex life. He wanted to sit around and work all the time while I was just sort of… around to pay bills bc he was a dreamer who took forEVER to finish school. With this man it’s exciting… I knew my ex husband would always “be there” as in wouldn’t cheat or leave me, but it was empty and I felt trapped, whereas with this guy the mind games and push/pull keep me on my toes 

[basil67]

Thing is, drama and complexity is all well and good until they get enraged and try to make you feel bad for doing nothing wrong.

Sometimes, the thing which attracts us to a person can be the same thing which drives us away,

[Taramere]

On 8/7/2021 at 1:26 AM, financial_ad429 said:

I’ve been seeing a married man for a few years. He moved to the opposite coast from his wife and son. Says he hasn’t made any physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for the kid and because he doesn’t want to lose half of his wealth. He keeps me hidden and says he wants no relationship or commitment. But if I see anyone else he becomes enraged.

At one point he told me he wanted some other woman romantically and she was coming to stay with him for a few weeks, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for about a month. I did date somebody and slept with them once. Recently I told this married man. Now all he does is try to make me feel horrible for it. From my standpoint if he doesn’t want commitment with me then he has no right to make me feel this way. And it’s one person one time in years whom I slept with! He intermittently gets turned on and wants the sexual details of that one encounter, and totally shuts me out and makes me feel guilty for it. Can’t I make him understand that if he doesn’t want to commit to me then this is what will happen?

Re the bolded it's heartening to see that tiny piece of healthy thinking in amongst this entire mess.  It's pretty obvious, and obvious to you I'm sure, that this guy doesn't give a damn about you.  That's not a reflection on you, since from the sound of things he's a pretty cold, abusive character who doesn't care about anybody.  Maybe he doesn't even care about/like himself.

Reading this, what you call him "messing with your head" seems to me like he too probably recognises that there's a healthy woman in there struggling to get out and that he probably prides himself on his ability to effortlessly squash every effort she makes to assert herself.  That's not going to change.  A guy like him isn't suddenly going to become a decent, empathic individual who wants to commit to you and see you flourish.  

You say the thing you like is...

Quote

The drama and complexity. With my ex husband we had zero passion, nonexistent sex life. He wanted to sit around and work all the time while I was just sort of… around to pay bills bc he was a dreamer who took forEVER to finish school. With this man it’s exciting… I knew my ex husband would always “be there” as in wouldn’t cheat or leave me, but it was empty and I felt trapped, whereas with this guy the mind games and push/pull keep me on my toes 

Ok, so as long as you're in search of drama and complexity, that inner healthy adult I mentioned probably won't get much of a look in.  In what way does this man keep you on your toes?  What things about you do you think are better, stronger, more admirable, more exciting - or whatever else being kept on your toes entails -  a result of continuing in this situation with him?

Edited August 9, 2021 by Taramere

[stillafool]

Why did you tell him you had sex with another man?  He doesn't want commitment from you and keeps you hidden.  It's none of his business who you have sex with so why tell him?  Were you trying to make him jealous?  Most men don't want women they're sexing having sex with other men.  It's not because of love it's about STDs.

[financial_ad429]

16 hours ago, Taramere said:

 

Ok, so as long as you're in search of drama and complexity, that inner healthy adult I mentioned probably won't get much of a look in.  In what way does this man keep you on your toes?  What things about you do you think are better, stronger, more admirable, more exciting - or whatever else being kept on your toes entails -  a result of continuing in this situation with him?

Thank you so much- I feel you and the other posters are really making effort to be helpful. Here’s my innate belief and I’m NOT saying it’s normal, healthy, or “correct.” If I found a nice guy and he treated me really nicely, then that is just a nice guy being nice, nothing special about me. If I found a guy ready to settle down and he committed to me, then that’s just a guy in that stage of his life, nothing special about me. If I get a man like this one, who calls himself a sociopath, to be attached to me and “stick around” and show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man (it isn’t just about sex/STDs, even applies if I get dinner w someone), then I must really be “special.”

[Pumpernickel]

40 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

. If I get a man like this one, who calls himself a sociopath, to be attached to me and “stick around” and show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man (it isn’t just about sex/STDs, even applies if I get dinner w someone), then I must really be “special.”

Interesting, as I am sure many can relate. Minus maybe the sociopath comment. Because the sociopath comment (which he makes abt himself) means that he is concerned with how he is perceived by the outer world, whereas I’d be even more intrigued by somebody who’s totally secure in himself no matter what (sociopath or not).
Either way, I am sure you’re going to get a lot of comments as to how this is a totally unhealthy attitude. Which it is. 
Interested to learn more about it

Edited August 10, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Taramere]

4 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

Thank you so much- I feel you and the other posters are really making effort to be helpful. Here’s my innate belief and I’m NOT saying it’s normal, healthy, or “correct.” If I found a nice guy and he treated me really nicely, then that is just a nice guy being nice, nothing special about me. If I found a guy ready to settle down and he committed to me, then that’s just a guy in that stage of his life, nothing special about me. If I get a man like this one, who calls himself a sociopath, to be attached to me and “stick around” and show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man (it isn’t just about sex/STDs, even applies if I get dinner w someone), then I must really be “special.”

If your counsellor asked you to challenge that perspective - using objective thinking, creativity,  life lessons and what you're learned in counselling so far - how would you challenge it?