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So my friend told me he has a crush on me and is falling in love

Miss Spider

By Miss Spider
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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He said it’s love and he had a crush which is natural, but not to worry or feel uncomfortable because he is not going to come onto me, , he appreciates our friendship, and he’s happy we are friends . He also kept talking in hypotheticals if we were married 
 

This is a guy who has told me repeatedly how much he values our friendship. This sucks because I genuinely do value him as a friend and I really do want to stay friends . Is it okay to keep hanging with him as a friend and just ignore what he said or will this blow up in my face 

prior to this we agreed to be each other‘s wing people and got along so great as friends 

thsnks 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

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Unfortunately... once that comes out... the friendship is in jeopardy.  I have a bunch of female friends... and I know that's a subject you simply do not touch if you want that friendship to last.

I'm guessing he will start to act differently when you go do something.  He has fallen for you, and made it public.  That means he wants more, and every time he gets together with you... he will try to win you over. 

Edited by Blind-Sided
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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This sucks… I’m gonna try it and see how it goes. I gotta go to an plain air paint thing with him today because it seems fun and it was already planned. You’re probably right though. 😫He actually seemed like he’d be a genuine friend because he always seemed asexual like and never tried any kind of weird flirting thing most male friends do. I’m just done 

ty

Edited by Cookiesandough
glows Established Member

glows

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I think it will resolve on its own. The important part is that you’re clear you don’t reciprocate any feelings if that is the case. 

Should you feel uncomfortable around him, limit contact or hang out with other friends. 

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Are you really only interested in him as a friend Cookies?  The reason I ask is that sometimes we don't see what appears easily there in front of us.  If you are looking for romance and a life partner, what can be better than a best friend?

However, if you are not attracted to him in the slightest, except as a friend, then don't go there.

There is a lot to be said for physical attraction - and it is essential up to a point - but in the long term what really matters is love, respect and compatibility.  Be careful what opportunities you throw away.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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14 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Are you really only interested in him as a friend Cookies?  The reason I ask is that sometimes we don't see what appears easily there in front of us.  If you are looking for romance and a life partner, what can be better than a best friend?

However, if you are not attracted to him in the slightest, except as a friend, then don't go there.

There is a lot to be said for physical attraction - and it is essential up to a point - but in the long term what really matters is love, respect and compatibility.  Be careful what opportunities you throw away.

thanks , you guys. Yea only as a friend . I’m sad to say I don’t feel that way about him because now he keeps making flirty comments when we’re together.,,he said I’ve made him think about things in a new way and awoken things in him 😳I made it clear I appreciate his FRIENDSHIP  

 

It always goes this way., I don’t trust guy friends anymore full stop,  unless they’re gay. He said he’s cool with just being friends and values our friendship.  Then why go there

Edited by Cookiesandough
Johnjohnson2017 Established Member

Johnjohnson2017

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Unfortunetely when you are friends with the opposite sex, there's a chance romantic feelings can sprout up. When he first met you, he found you physically attractive. As you guys started hanging out together more and more and talking to each other, he started to develop feelings for you. You probably felt that he liked you more than friendship the way he looked at you.

If you don't find him attractive, then the frienship is practically over, unless he falls out of love (which can happen over time). If you haven't developed feelings for him after many years as friends, chances are you will not develop feelings for him in the future.

If you did have feelings for him, then that would have been a very good opportunity for a long lasting serious relationship. But too bad you don't.

He needs to find a girlfriend.

You are very pretty (Assuming those were your real pictures in the previous avatars) so you will run into these situations very frequently with male friends. 

Edited by Johnjohnson2017
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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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So here is the thing you want to do: go back in your memory ... and think ... think hard. Imagine and re-imagine the times you were out with this friend. Are you saying you NEVER picked up on his romantic interest? Not saying it's impossible, but saying it's likely there was something in his behavior that gave him away. Likely. 

You can try, but it'll be really hard to be friends under these conditions. But you haven't lost anything because as long as he was crushing on you, he was NOT really just a friend. I once fell in love with a friend, and we somehow sustained the friendship until finally, I had to break things off because having a good time with her would just trigger my old love feelings. 

But you can try. Some people can pull this off. 

 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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My friend sends me this weird Af message after I tell him we are just friends. Nothing romantic or sexual going on here.

My shoulders hurt. Haha. It turned out good, but I need to start doing every day so I toughen up. 

You’ve given me so much to think about, C. I never wanted to get married either. It seemed like some kind of trap. I needed to wander. But I never thought I’d experience love either. Maybe my expectations and what I wanted were unrealistic? I’m feeling love now. And it is so disturbing... It’s f***ing unsettling.
 

You are giving me love in every way that I never had. I don’t want to possess it because it should be free. It’s not something that should be confined for its protection. It’s not something that belongs to anyone. We only do that because we want it forever. We want to be sure it will never leave.  I think the love I’m feeling is greater than that kind of love. It’s pounding out of my chest. It’s making me confused because I can see it when I look at you. You are a force of nature. What’s there to possess or be grabby about? 
 

True love is whatever you have done to me. It’s bigger than all my fears, C. You seriously make me feel whole. 

Love doesn’t mean sex. Sex without love feels meaningless. It harms us. Intimacy is so much more. 

Earlier I was at x with y and z. Y and Z got into a long intellectual argument. It was interesting to watch. I think it was love too. It was intimate. I feel like you and I are intimate all the time.  My heart works extra hard. I have to think. It’s orgasmic in a way that is better than sex. 

I want to say I love you until you believe me. C, I have been hiding myself from others all my life. The idea of being married was not for me. I ran like hell from it. But I f***ing I love you like no one ever. It’s because we are so alike and I feel we share a kind of truth and pain. It’s because we’re both artists and I don’t mean in the art we create, but our vision. I am not afraid of what will come. I just love you so completely. I love whenever I see you.

 

Does this make sense? I think my life was to realize this. My dream was always big, too big for here. But I’m a dreamer and you are a dream, C. 

 

 

Am I going to be made into a lampshade? 

 

This is why I just give up on making friends. & we share so many mutual friends. Big Sigh 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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It’s like I know on a conscious level that a guy who didn’t like me would not go out of his way to be my friend…. But at the same time I keep getting dragged into it bc yes it feels so great to have such a doting friend 

Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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It sounds like a screenplay or just attention seeking butthole-ness. Perhaps you could tell him (gently) to go get his supply elsewhere?

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Lol I can’t do that, we’re supposed to be friends 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You are not friends. He's become an orbitor.  All his hypotheticals & his confession are him testing the waters.  If you truly do not want to explore a romantic relationship with him, you would do well to put a LOT of distance in here.  No more hanging out one on one; no more confiding in him; no more wingman (he's only there to block other men from getting to you) & no more long chats whether in person or otherwise.  

He may claim he doesn't want to make things awkward but they already are.  You can't continue as you were.  

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Agree with d0nnivain.

How long have you been friends with him for?

If you two were friends for many years it tends to be a bit more delicate.

I lost a good male friend that I was friends with for 10+ years and pretty much did what d0nnivain suggested.

So, try that.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not friends. He's become an orbitor.  All his hypotheticals & his confession are him testing the waters.  If you truly do not want to explore a romantic relationship with him, you would do well to put a LOT of distance in here.  No more hanging out one on one; no more confiding in him; no more wingman (he's only there to block other men from getting to you) & no more long chats whether in person or otherwise.  

He may claim he doesn't want to make things awkward but they already are.  You can't continue as you were.  

I know you’re right , but that’s so hard because he’s helping me a lot in my hobbies and is a really good friend to me. We were starting a side venture together and he’s doing like 90% of the legwork. Why can’t I just continue to ignore it? He said that he gets I’m not into him like that/we’re just friends.   
 

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Agree with d0nnivain.

How long have you been friends with him for?

If you two were friends for many years it tends to be a bit more delicate.

I lost a good male friend that I was friends with for 10+ years and pretty much did what d0nnivain suggested.

So, try that.

It’s only been a few weeks of friendship with him. Im sorry to hear that. Why didn’t you just continue to ignore it and reinforce your boundaries? 
 

anyway, thanks guys, I know you are right

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Just now, Cookiesandough said:

 Why can’t I just continue to ignore it? He said that he gets I’m not into him like that/we’re just friends. 

You can't just ignore it because you know he has an agenda.  You are kinda using him & that's not fair.  He's lying to you & himself when he says that he "gets it." 

Going into business with him will exacerbate the problem.  Opening a business together is the most committed non-sexual thing you can do with somebody.  It's a huge time, money & emotional investment.  To ignore the elephant in the room -- his attraction to you -- probably dooms your project to failure.  

What happens when one night you two are working late, you're tired & you realize that you have not been on a date in a while & you two kiss or more . . .?  Boom -- end of business, end of friendship. . . It's just not worth the risk IMO.  

You are going to bury your head in the sand & swear that won't happen & his crush is no big deal.  Then this will all blow up in your face with tons of drama.  

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can't just ignore it because you know he has an agenda.  You are kinda using him & that's not fair.  He's lying to you & himself when he says that he "gets it." 

Going into business with him will exacerbate the problem.  Opening a business together is the most committed non-sexual thing you can do with somebody.  It's a huge time, money & emotional investment.  To ignore the elephant in the room -- his attraction to you -- probably dooms your project to failure.  

What happens when one night you two are working late, you're tired & you realize that you have not been on a date in a while & you two kiss or more . . .?  Boom -- end of business, end of friendship. . . It's just not worth the risk IMO.  

You are going to bury your head in the sand & swear that won't happen & his crush is no big deal.  Then this will all blow up in your face with tons of drama.  

 Normally I’d agree and I’ve always said that friendzone does that BUT… he is getting a lot out of our friendship too. It might not be specifically what he wants. But I am the brain-power behind the operation even if he is the legwork. The other day he was saying how devastated he would be if our friendship were ever to end. He said that although it’s painful for him it also brings more happiness than he’s had in a long time and it’s the best thing ever and he feels like it’s going to end and that upsets him but he’s willing to detach himself from the outcome ( I think what he means by not wanting to possess ) I feel like it will devastate him if I stop being friends with him. And also it is a symbiotic relationship for sure. I hear what you are saying though. Thank you, D0nnovain. You have given me a loy to think about

Edited by Cookiesandough
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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14 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s only been a few weeks of friendship with him. Im sorry to hear that. Why didn’t you just continue to ignore it and reinforce your boundaries? 
 

anyway, thanks guys, I know you are right

Okay.

Only a few weeks sounds more like an acquaintance at this juncture.

So, that letter he wrote, I would take with a grain of salt.

(as for your question, I did not share the same sentiments as my friend did towards me, so continuing with the friendship would not have been prudent)

 

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flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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i think there IS a point where it will end.  maybe not always, but i've had some pretty severe crushes on a couple of female friends of mine, and given enough time the majority of it fades away.  not entirely, but def fades a lot.

to the point of like, i'll flirt and still find them attractive, but the hypothetical of "what if we end up alone in a bed would i bang her" type of question, i honestly in my head would say no, no i wouldn't.  not anymore.

if this guy watches you plow through a handful of guys, and if you treat him as a friend and talk about the nasty sex you have with them, there will be a point that something will click and he will get turned off.  problem is, either he could be resentful and moody because he's so invested, OR, he realizes you're not a match and you become better friends.

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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Hmmm…

It kind of sounds like he’s saying in a roundabout way after only 2 weeks, that he’s never thought of marriage before he met you and he loves you. Cookies ….2 weeks! I know what you would tell me if I was I that situation! But I’ve taken the bait now , so let’s discuss :p 
 

Which leads me to the leg work on your venture.

If he doesn’t get what he wants from you long term, your venture is going to go up in smoke.  I’m only saying this because I’ve been there enough times to know. 
He wants you. He won’t be happy with just a friendship. It sounds like this “best friends” thing is his way at looking at the start of a relationship. 

So what’s this venture? I think you know just as well as everyone else here that this is not a healthy situation, and will likely end in tears, probably for him. So what have you to gain from this venture? It must be something that offers considerable opportunity for you to continue on with this. In fact I’m almost certain that the outcome could potentially benefit you in a huge way otherwise I don’t think this would be an issue for you. 
 

You could just straight out ask him if he sees a future between you both. Or, You could test him. If he’s happy just being your friend then he won’t mind you being with someone else or you talking about other dates you’re going to go on etc. If he really loves you like that then all you ever want is your friend to be happy, right? 

I have a distinct feeling it won’t go down well and for the sake of whatever you’re about to invest into a venture , make sure it’s with someone who’s intentions are clearly on the table. Business intention - not the romantic ones. Venturing business with anyone you’ve only known for a few weeks is not good practice. Especially when they write you love bombs like that letter lol. 

I guess you’ll find out soon enough what’s going on, hey ❤️ just remember… it’s only been 2 weeks, you said friend, he sends you a love letter, and I’ve based my whole post off that! 
 

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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Speaking generally, there's nothing wrong with seeing how it goes. FWIW, if it's only been a few weeks of "friendship" and he's saying he has a crush on you it sounds to me like he's essentially been an orbiter the entire time.

There is, frankly, nothing inherently wrong with have a few orbiters around so long as you don't let them interfere with anything. Leading them on would perhaps be unfair to them, but it sounds like you're being quite clear in how you see this. If they become bored/discouraged, etc, they can always "look elsewhere".

However, when I read the love and dreams of marriage stuff, etc, I agree that THAT kind of stuff after only two weeks is a BIG red flag. Really I think this particular orbiter you should probably NOT stay friends with, JIC he's a psycho or something.

Edited by mark clemson
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

i think there IS a point where it will end.  maybe not always, but i've had some pretty severe crushes on a couple of female friends of mine, and given enough time the majority of it fades away.  not entirely, but def fades a lot.

to the point of like, i'll flirt and still find them attractive, but the hypothetical of "what if we end up alone in a bed would i bang her" type of question, i honestly in my head would say no, no i wouldn't.  not anymore.

if this guy watches you plow through a handful of guys, and if you treat him as a friend and talk about the nasty sex you have with them, there will be a point that something will click and he will get turned off.  problem is, either he could be resentful and moody because he's so invested, OR, he realizes you're not a match and you become better friends.

Yea that’s what I’m hoping for it will just fade away and stop being a crush but still friends , but in the past my guy friendships lead to drama or dissolved when I ultimately told them I wasn’t interested in them in that capacity. 
 

The reason I feel differently about this guy is that I already established that we are friends and he’s agreed and even calls me a friend. He has noted guys who showed interest in me and says it will hurt when I move on and don’t hang out with him anymore, but he will understand. He’s not angry about it or anything which maybe makes me feel worse. The only thing is the alarming ramblings he sometimes has, in which he talks like that. Sometimes in person, sometimes through text.  
 

We’ve known each other for a long time but only became close friends in the past month or so. He’s quite successful at dealing art and has a gallery where I will exhibit my paintings on sept 3. He’s a stone carver/sculptor and I’ve been helping him with his current project.  It’s difficult as a pharmacy student to get off the ground enough to sell my old pieces of art too, but he has helped me so much .

 

I think I will listen to you all and continue to be friends, albeit from a distance. Not get too caught up but we do need to meet up to work on the project 

 

And yea what you said flitz, maybe I’ll lie and say I was in a bunch of hangbangs and stuff so he’ll leave me alone on that  . 
 

Thank you guys so much 
 

 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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IslandSanctuary Established Member

IslandSanctuary

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I don't date women with opposite sex 'friends'. They are almost always orbiters, and it's just not something I need in my life. Women that enjoy these 'friendships' are generally getting off on the type of attention they provide, and they usually aren't real friendships, it's just some guy telling you what you want to hear to get in your pants. 

Part of growing up is becoming less and less social, and leaving opposite sex friendships in the past. Some people disagree with me, but lucky for me there are plenty of intelligent decent women out there that agree with me. 

Don't have guy friends, then you don't have this drama. 

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Caauug Established Member

Caauug

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This is all part of human nature, or male nature. It doesn't have to be the case, but when it involves an attractive young female the chances are large the male will think with the wrong head.... (lower 80-90% of men that are not gay)

On 8/9/2021 at 12:20 AM, Cookiesandough said:

It always goes this way., I don’t trust guy friends anymore full stop,  unless they’re gay.

It's the type of guy also.... Likely why you are not attracted to him. If he was a top 10%er you would likely not have the "Just Friends" attitude. 

18 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s like I know on a conscious level that a guy who didn’t like me would not go out of his way to be my friend…. But at the same time I keep getting dragged into it bc yes it feels so great to have such a doting friend 

You are not attracted to him but he is feeding your ego, or should I say you are getting validation from him..... What's he getting in return? Rejection....  IMO, he has likely always seen you as a prospective mate, he was just using hobby and joint venture as a way to increase his chances for "Law of Propinquity" to take affect.

19 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Am I going to be made into a lampshade? 

Yep!!! You are already on the pedestal. He will have to "Crash and Burn".... 

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea that’s what I’m hoping for it will just fade away and stop being a crush but still friends , but in the past my guy friendships lead to drama or dissolved when I ultimately told them I wasn’t interested in them in that capacity. 

History repeats it's self when you make the same mistakes. Stop picking single men you are not attracted to, for friends. As you know most of the time it will not work out as friends, you (or they) can not change what evolution has ingrained into male nature.... It's just the way it is.

Pick men you are attracted to as friends. Yes, the same thing may happen but you will not be disappointed when they want more... 

Note: This comment is not to be taken as an attack on anyone person or gender. 

 

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Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

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16 minutes ago, Caauug said:

This is all part of human nature, or male nature. It doesn't have to be the case, but when it involves an attractive young female the chances are large the male will think with the wrong head.... (lower 80-90% of men that are not gay)

It's the type of guy also.... Likely why you are not attracted to him. If he was a top 10%er you would likely not have the "Just Friends" attitude. 

You are not attracted to him but he is feeding your ego, or should I say you are getting validation from him..... What's he getting in return? Rejection....  IMO, he has likely always seen you as a prospective mate, he was just using hobby and joint venture as a way to increase his chances for "Law of Propinquity" to take affect.

Yep!!! You are already on the pedestal. He will have to "Crash and Burn".... 

History repeats it's self when you make the same mistakes. Stop picking single men you are not attracted to, for friends. As you know most of the time it will not work out as friends, you (or they) can not change what evolution has ingrained into male nature.... It's just the way it is.

Pick men you are attracted to as friends. Yes, the same thing may happen but you will not be disappointed when they want more... 

Note: This comment is not to be taken as an attack on anyone person or gender. 

 

All a harsh reality and true. 

Also can I just say @Cookiesandough , after having been on the guy in questions end before, I think some of what I wrote came through with that hurt feeling in memory. I felt kind of bad for him 😕 

 
Don’t torture the poor guy if you don’t see anything happening. It’ll destroy him. Maybe he needs to just go through it in life and it’s one of his own lessons to learn,  but don’t facilitate it for any sort of personal gain. You can’t force him to be just friends when he loves you, that is also personal gain. I feel like I’m telling you off :( sorry , not my intention at all. I’m gonna stop now! Just always try to do the right thing 😇

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