So my friend told me he has a crush on me and is falling in love

[Blind-Sided]

23 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not friends. He's become an orbitor.  

He may claim he doesn't want to make things awkward but they already are.  You can't continue as you were.  

Yep.

If I was you... I would put a little distance between you and this guy.  Don't blow him off.  SO, replay to txt's... but if he wants to get together, and go do something... just be "Busy" for some reason. If he really is interested in being your friend... then he will calm down with a little time apart.  AND... a little time apart doesn't hurt a real friendship.  For example... my one female friend got a new job, so we can't hang out as much as we used to.  (It's been several weeks) But I posted a picture on FB with my kids on the first day of school... and my exW was in the background.  She txt'ed me about 5 minutes after I posted wanting to know how that went.

The "Obiter" part is the real issue.  He will hang around... waiting for you to give in. If he continues to make comments about a relationship... then you will just have to cut him loose. 

[blacKis3]

On 8/7/2021 at 2:20 AM, Cookiesandough said:

He said it’s love and he had a crush which is natural, but not to worry or feel uncomfortable because he is not going to come onto me, , he appreciates our friendship, and he’s happy we are friends . He also kept talking in hypotheticals if we were married 
 

This is a guy who has told me repeatedly how much he values our friendship. This sucks because I genuinely do value him as a friend and I really do want to stay friends . Is it okay to keep hanging with him as a friend and just ignore what he said or will this blow up in my face 

prior to this we agreed to be each other‘s wing people and got along so great as friends 

thsnks 

You guys friendship will never be the same 

[Taramere]

On 8/27/2021 at 6:03 AM, Cookiesandough said:

Am I going to be made into a lampshade? 

Not if the guy is generally a fairly stable, balanced character...but sometimes the warning signs that a person really isn't stable balanced or particularly safe to get into a close friendship with only seem apparent with hindsight, once problems have set in.  Being on the receiving end of somebody's crush can become a stressful, unpleasant matter if they're unstable and if resentment about you not reciprocating their feelings begins to creep in.  

Quote

He said it’s love and he had a crush which is natural, but not to worry or feel uncomfortable because he is not going to come onto me, , he appreciates our friendship, and he’s happy we are friends . He also kept talking in hypotheticals if we were married 

That does not sound like somebody who has given up hope that something will transpire between the two of you.  Unless you think there's potential for your feelings to change, and for you to start reciprocating the attraction, putting distance between the two of you is probably a good idea.  The more time and energy men spend on a friendship with a woman in the hope of it turning into something more, the more resentful they become when the feelings aren't reciprocated....and sometimes they'll bottle that resentment up for a long time.  

A "nice" demeanour doesn't necessarily tell you much.  If he has a tendency to develop obsessive feelings towards his female friends, he'll have had to cultivate a demeanour that prevents them from distancing themselves from him.  This forum used to be full of "nice guy" threads that were riddled with misogyny.  Angry men who felt that by putting time and energy into cultivating friendships with women they had earned the right to become romantically and sexually involved with those women....and, therefore, earned the right to become angry and resentful towards those women when some situation emerges that clarifies to them "this woman is never going to return your feelings."

 I wouldn't pay much attention to the "I value our friendship" stuff when he's pretty clearly using his time with you to play out fantasies about the two of you being in a relationship.  Be careful with this, Cookie.  None of us want to see a thread about how your former friend has turned into a resentful stalker.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Taramere said:

Not if the guy is generally a fairly stable, balanced character...but sometimes the warning signs that a person really isn't stable balanced or particularly safe to get into a close friendship with only seem apparent with hindsight, once problems have set in.  Being on the receiving end of somebody's crush can become a stressful, unpleasant matter if they're unstable and if resentment about you not reciprocating their feelings begins to creep in.  

That does not sound like somebody who has given up hope that something will transpire between the two of you.  Unless you think there's potential for your feelings to change, and for you to start reciprocating the attraction, putting distance between the two of you is probably a good idea.  The more time and energy men spend on a friendship with a woman in the hope of it turning into something more, the more resentful they become when the feelings aren't reciprocated....and sometimes they'll bottle that resentment up for a long time.  

A "nice" demeanour doesn't necessarily tell you much.  If he has a tendency to develop obsessive feelings towards his female friends, he'll have had to cultivate a demeanour that prevents them from distancing themselves from him.  This forum used to be full of "nice guy" threads that were riddled with misogyny.  Angry men who felt that by putting time and energy into cultivating friendships with women they had earned the right to become romantically and sexually involved with those women....and, therefore, earned the right to become angry and resentful towards those women when some situation emerges that clarifies to them "this woman is never going to return your feelings."

 I wouldn't pay much attention to the "I value our friendship" stuff when he's pretty clearly using his time with you to play out fantasies about the two of you being in a relationship.  Be careful with this, Cookie.  None of us want to see a thread about how your former friend has turned into a resentful stalker.

Thank you…I really appreciate the advice, everyone. The thing is this guy shares many friends with me and they all have had a good opinion of him for many years. They all think he is a “nice guy” 

 

Yesterday I went to work with him for a couple hours because I only have a little more than a week  before I start school and interning . Everything was going great but he said some kind of alarming things to me , (maybe?) He said things like “do you think I’m scary ?” And I said “nah, you have a dark side, but everyone does” he said I “g*d you are killing me” and just got generally weird and he’s like “it scares me how much I like you” and I’m like dude, it’s okay , we’re good friends a” and he said “yeah, you know I’d never like force myself on you or do anything inappropriate to you   “ I’m thinking wtf that’s kind of weird Bc that wasn’t brought up … I think I would have been much more scared if we were not working in a public place . … It was just kind of scary … I think he’s sexually frustrated or something, but yes you are right… I think I will need to pull away slowly ? 

Thank you much 🙏

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you…I really appreciate the advice, everyone. The thing is this guy shares many friends with me and they all have had a good opinion of him for many years. They all think he is a “nice guy” 

Yesterday I went to work with him for a couple hours because I only have a little more than a week  before I start school and interning . Everything was going great but he said some kind of alarming things to me , (maybe?) He said things like “do you think I’m scary ?” And I said “nah, you have a dark side, but everyone does” he said I “g*d you are killing me” and just got generally weird and he’s like “it scares me how much I like you” and I’m like dude, it’s okay , we’re good friends a” and he said “yeah, you know I’d never like force myself on you or do anything inappropriate to you   “ I’m thinking wtf that’s kind of weird Bc that wasn’t brought up … I think I would have been much more scared if we were not working in a public place . … It was just kind of scary … I think he’s sexually frustrated or something, but yes you are right… I think I will need to pull away slowly ? 

Thank you much 🙏

There are nice people who just love helping others, but sometimes you'll get a vibe of somebody just being that bit too nice.  Like they have a real strong need for everybody to think they're saintly.  And their self perception is genuinely "I'm a really good, kind, nice person".  And because most people want a fairly easy life and don't want to look b****y, they'll tend to go along with the general consensus that "X is such a lovely person."  Even if their gut tells them that there's something a bit off.

That bolded part is completely creepy.  I remember a long time ago now, I was visiting Vancouver.  I'd stayed in a cheap but seedy hostel in a seedy part of town.  When I went out, I spotted the owner and one of his friends following me some distance behind.  When I came back the owner was still up and berated me for having walked around on my own in a dodgy part of town.  The next day I was leaving and he insisted on driving me to the station.  I should have said "no thanks, I'll take a taxi" but I was worried about sounding rude.  So I got in his car and found myself being given a guided tour of parts of Vancouver I'd already visited - when all I wanted was to get to the station.  Then he stopped and started stroking my arm - making creepy comments about my skin.  I was creeped out and angry.  I told him "stop touching me please, and just take me to the station like you said I would."  He then started acting all offended.  "I am good man.  Nice man.  Happily married man.  I am no rapist."  

I mean ****ing hell.  That's really what a young (back then) woman wants to hear when she's stuck in a car with a creepy bloke.  I just played along, went on about how I was sure he was a very nice man with an absolutely lovely wife and children, but I just really needed to get to the station before I missed my train."  And fortunately he just drove me there - albeit in a bad temper.

For any guy to tell a woman "I wouldn't rape you" is just beyond inappropriate.   Why raise the subject of "rape" in a situation where he's disclosing his feelings?  Maybe he's got some sort of condition where he doesn't understand what's socially inappropriate and what isn't, but that is secondary to the matter of your personal safety.  Your safety is paramount, and honestly it sounds to me as though this guy is deliberately being a bit freaky to watch your reactions.  Maybe he gets off on seeing women looking a bit nervous and uncomfortable when he says things like "I wouldn't force myself on you."  Don't confront him about being creepy, but don't give him the benefit of the doubt either.  Distancing yourself seems like an excellent idea.  This guy does not sound trustworthy.

Edited August 30, 2021 by Taramere

[Taramere]

This "I would never force myself on a woman" comment of his just came back into my head, Cookie.  It's bugging me enough that I wanted to post a follow up.   I'd guess it's the sort of comment quite a few of us have at some point heard from a guy and been freaked out by. 

On the face of it, it's a reassuring "you're safe with me, I'd always respect your boundaries" comment.  However, it's also the kind of comment the police probably hear all the time from people who have been accused of rape.   I've heard comments from men along the lines of "when it comes to sex I'm very careful about making sure the woman consent" which I think is an entirely different proposition to "I would never rape a woman" or "I would never force myself on a woman".   Being careful to ensure the woman consents involves some active "checks" by the guy.  Those might be done subtly by body language (especially if the couple know each other well), or the guy might ask something like "are you okay with this?"...but it's definitely a process whereby the man is recognising that consent is about a lot more than simply "she didn't scream no or fight me off."

With "I would never rape a woman" or "I would never force myself on a woman" I think there's definitely a vibe of the man regarding it as the woman's responsibility to fight him off, scream "no" etc.  If this guy's a creep (and there are certainly some creepy elements to what you're describing) then "I would never force myself on you" might in his mind mean "if you and I ever have sex, it's consensual...got it?"

I think you come across as a creative, laid back and open minded sort of person...and while these are very positive qualities to have, inevitably they can attract a certain type of guy who equates being open minded with not having much in the way of boundaries.  Or else having boundaries that will be relatively easy to push aside (eg it might be enough to tell a woman who prides herself on being open minded and adventurous something like "this is a bit closed minded of you....not feeling very adventurous today?" to tease or ridicule her out of laying down her boundaries.  I don't like the sound of this guy at all.  I think he's playing and perhaps preying on the part of you that likes to be creative and open minded.  I can see a bit of my old 20 something self in this situation, and it bothers me.

Edited August 30, 2021 by Taramere