What just happened? I need your views.

[RebeccaR]

Every day is a cliffhanger. OP you are keeping us all hooked

[Iwantthisformyself]

33 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Every day is a cliffhanger. OP you are keeping us all hooked

I wish it were different, but we only get to see each other once daily... I know, this is part of the deal I got myself into. The thing is I have no idea what might be happening, and many things were said here that sound scary, as the possibility that she might have tracked him. 

Also, he did not share how he was going to approach this with her: whether he was going to plain tell her what is going on and propose we have a relationship and they stay married "formally", or he just hides this and they go on as usual. I also suspect she could be fishing for evidence, but he assures me she is not the kind of person who would snoop, or track, or follow PLUS she is so involved in her own activities... I am unsure what to think because he also said she wouldn´t notice he was seeing me and she noticed in just three weeks, so, maybe she is more vigilant than he thinks.

Anyway, as I told him today, my interest is in him, not her. I suppose he´ll know what to do.

 

[Iwantthisformyself]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

If they have an open marriage then why wasn't it mentioned at the meet?
Why has he never brought it up to the OP?

He never said they had an open marriage. 

[Iwantthisformyself]

11 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

OP, here's my prediction for your time with MM today:

He will express how much he wishes that you could have more together. He'll be wistful and endearing. But he won't make any concrete promises or cross any hard lines into PA territory. He'll describe how great it would be if you could be together. This is now strictly a supportive friendship, which honestly is what you had before you confessed your feelings to him.

When you ask about BW he'll be vague. He'll be trying not to disrespect her by talking about her. He'll make it sound like they don't have what you two have without giving specifics.

It will feel nice when he looks in your eyes and validates your connection. But that's as much as you're going to get as his marriage-approved buddy.

He did talk about her, but not in disrispectful terms, though. And he certainly feels they don´t have what we have. He said I can talk to you so easily, I find it so hard to talk to her. It is incredible to be with somenoe non judgemental who finds you are enough.

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I have no doubt that you will come back and try to convince us all that yesterday went according to plan, that you knew when he looked into your eyes today and whispered some kind of vague nonsense that you will be together if only you give him time… 

I don´t think yesterday went according to plan. I´m not even sure he had a clear plan. I made sure he knew what was in my mind today. And being friends with his wife is off the table now.

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

They already spent an afternoon making out on her couch - maybe he will pull back, but they are already there 

We were almost there, but not quite. I do not want to rush things, but I felt we both needed an opportunity to feel that this is real, with our bodies involved. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

But his answer was not so comforting. He said: Not so great. I´ll tell you tomorrow... 

and these are the days of our lives…

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

He thought introducing me to his wife gave me a respectful place in his life, so that I knew he cared about me and did not want to put me in the situation of being his secret lover.

In other words, he wants to give you a respectful place in his life - but he is choosing to disrespect his wife in the worst possible way. Sure.

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

his wife is all about her life: she has friends, a full time job she is passionate about, their kid. She had been considering going back to university even, to advance her carreer. She did not seem to need him much.

If this is the case, my husband would be out looking for comfort in the arms of another woman. The fact that his wife has her life together does not give him license to cheat - justifying his decision to cheat by blaming his wife for being a competent career woman and mother and complaining about the fact that she neglects and does not consult him is a weeny thing to do.

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

She had it all figured out. So, what would be the harm in thinking about his own needs once after so many years of putting the family first, especially since the family did not think to need him after all?

It sounds like he is the one who has it all figured out… How exactly does he put his family first - considering his wife works a full time job and takes primary care of their child and I’m assuming, runs the family home. I mean, he can’t complain on one hand that she won’t consult him or let him do anything and then in the next breath, say that he has put the family first and declare himself to be the most devoted parent/spouse. 

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

If we could make each other happy by spending time together, listening to each other, being intimate, and his wife could continue with her life without actually divorcing him, just cooperating in parenting, then everyone should be happy.

Sure, assuming his wife has given her informed consent. I may have missed it - did you have this discussion with her yesterday and did she agree to this plan?

Edited August 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes but the truth is absolutely nothing happened during that meeting that OP described to us was going to happen.  Yet she comes away blaming the wife because the husband portrayed OP as just a friend as if it's the wife's fault.

I did not quite do that. I was introduced as a friend by his choice. She knows he has been getting closer to me. She even acknowledge it to me herself. What I did not like was just how matter of factly she stated that I´d be around THEM from now own. She cannot decide that I can´t see him in provate anymore, and what happened this afternoon just proved that I was right.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

he did not share how he was going to approach this with her: whether he was going to plain tell her what is going on and propose we have a relationship and they stay married "formally", or he just hides this and they go on as usual.

Why didn’t you discuss it when you were all together yesterday? That seems like the perfect opportunity…

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Yeah, I know. No doubt that got rewritten as a "kiss on the cheek" or something to BW. Obviously if my husband were making out with someone I would consider that a PA, but MM seems to be trying to walk back where they've been. If OW isn't getting the point, well the awkwardness of meeting the wife should help.

I know he hasn´t told her that we kissed. He told her emotionally close. If you prefer labels for everything, then kissing definitely counts as PA in my opinion. But I am not such a big fan of lables as everyone around here, I guess

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Yes, the fault lies in the structure of the love triangle, not in the one person who didn't enter it knowingly. I suppose that when the man you feel madly in love with tells you that of course he would choose you but family blah blah, your mind then thinks, "Ah, this problem will be solved when the BW relinquishes him." When the married person you're pursuing can't or won't give you what you want, it's not their spouse's fault.

I would have never thought of her leaving if he hadn´t told me she was planning to leave.

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 hours ago, anika99 said:

carry on emotional affair with OW.

If an emotional affair really exists, then no marriage on earth is unaffected by cheating, because it would qualify as cheating, right?

People feel attracted and get close to other people all the time, because it is only human. It it bound to happen in every relationship, especially if it s long one. I don´t think I would see it as cheating. Would it make jealous? Sure! but I think of it as cheating.

[Iwantthisformyself]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why didn’t you discuss it when you were all together yesterday? That seems like the perfect opportunity…

It wasn´t supposed to be discussed with all of us there. It wasn´t even on the table as an option.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

I would have never thought of her leaving if he hadn´t told me she was planning to leave.

I’m starting to feel like she should leave. This guy sounds like a prize idiot! She would take half their assets, she is already doing everything anyway… she’s an educated and professional woman. If he continues to collide with you in the way you say he did today - she would do well to let him go. And then, the two of you could have your happily ever after… 

[Iwantthisformyself]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

and these are the days of our lives…

In other words, he wants to give you a respectful place in his life - but he is choosing to disrespect his wife in the worst possible way. Sure.

If this is the case, my husband would be out looking for comfort in the arms of another woman. The fact that his wife has her life together does not give him license to cheat - justifying his decision to cheat by blaming his wife for being a competent career woman and mother and complaining about the fact that she neglects and does not consult him is a weeny thing to do.

It sounds like he is the one who has it all figured out… How exactly does he put his family first - considering his wife works a full time job and takes primary care of their child and I’m assuming, runs the family home. I mean, he can’t complain on one hand that she won’t consult him or let him do anything and then in the next breath, say that he has put the family first and declare himself to be the most devoted parent/spouse. 

Sure, assuming his wife has given her informed consent. I may have missed it - did you have this discussion with her yesterday and did she agree to this plan?

She has not given him any informed consent. He actually did not expect my reaction today at all. And I don´t know if he was planning to inform her when he got home. That is up to him to decide. 

[Iwantthisformyself]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How exactly does he put his family first

He has. for many years, with disappointing results apparently

[Iwantthisformyself]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

his wife works a full time job and takes primary care of their child and I’m assuming, runs the family home.

but this is nothing extraordinary, or is it? 99 % of women do this!

[Pumpernickel]

11 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

If an emotional affair really exists, then no marriage on earth is unaffected by cheating, because it would qualify as cheating, right?

For once, I agree with you. Which is why I shy away from committed relationships and definitely from marriage. Nobody will ever be committed 100% to one person physically and emotionally. It’s just not possible. 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

He has. for many years, with disappointing results apparently

And you know this how exactly?

You certainly can’t believe him considering that you know he has lied to his wife and also to you.  

So, excluding that, how do you know this to the true?
 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

but this is nothing extraordinary, or is it? 99 % of women do this!

Indeed. How many of their husbands feel neglected and entitled to cheat? 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

She has not given him any informed consent. He actually did not expect my reaction today at all. And I don´t know if he was planning to inform her when he got home. That is up to him to decide. 

Yes, it is is up to him whether he decides to inform his wife that he is pursuing another relationship outside their marriage.

It is your decision whether you want to participate in such a relationship. Considering that you met the woman yesterday and she was kind an respectful to you, how does it feel engaging in behaviour that is hurtful and disrespectful to her?

You apparently have no problem with that - you told him as much today. I’m curious why neither of you had the courage to say it yesterday…

Edited August 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[heartwhole2]

2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

Also, he did not share how . . .

You don't say . . .

 

1 hour ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

He actually did not expect my reaction today at all.

He didn't expect you to say you didn't want physical intimacy when you really did, and then act like you were being really gracious by not expecting the full sex he had told you you wouldn't have, and thus feeling empowered by pretending to set a boundary that he had already set?

Look, I'm starting to lose the plot. If this is going to be a daily recounting of how he texted you, and you did the opposite of what you said, and then he did the opposite of what he said, and you never asked the direct questions that might really "disambiguate" anything, and tell me internet people, what does it all mean, then I'm not sure I can provide any help in that. Others may be willing, perhaps. My answer is: it still means what it always meant. He likes you. He's staying married if he can. You are motivated by fear and hurt, and those are not good decision makers.

I wonder if the (much needed, good riddance) loss of your husband has created a drama void which you feel the need to fill.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

He had left home saying he was going for a walk, and they were expecting him to go on a bike ride together. 

Sounds like he's a family man. Of course he doesn't want you and his wife to be friends. The meeting was to cover his tracks

You seem content with just being his hobby. 

His wife is a successful ambitious person and he needs a new hobby so he won't feel as impotent vis-a-vis her and to keep himself occupied.

So in a way it works. You're recently divorced and lonely, he's unavailable and bored so you're both low risk for a real relationship to happen.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

He has. for many years, with disappointing results apparently

What's her side of the story?   If she confided in you, would she tell you that while she's been doing all the therapy that he's been off travelling for work and leaving it all to her?

For what it's worth, I am also in the same parenting situation.  My husband has made sure to choose jobs which keep him available for maximum contribution as a father.  

Edited August 16, 2021 by basil67

[jspice]

7 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said:

I did not quite do that. I was introduced as a friend by his choice. She knows he has been getting closer to me. She even acknowledge it to me herself. What I did not like was just how matter of factly she stated that I´d be around THEM from now own. She cannot decide that I can´t see him in provate anymore, and what happened this afternoon just proved that I was right.

Oh my God. This whole thing is so delusional. 

He was acting strange at home. She suspected he was cheating and confronted him. He said “No, I have this new friend. I talk to her sometimes. There’s nothing between us. Tell you what. I’ll let you meet her to prove to you there’s nothing more than friendship between us.”

My own father did this  brought the woman into our home  “see, im just a father figure to this lady.” 🙄

 

You have quite the nerve to “not like” this and that. His wife gets to decide whatever the hell she wants for HER family and HER husband. 
 

You aren’t able to accurately read the room and so have created this entire inaccurate story of your importance in this man’s life. 
 

A lot of single women get upset when married women feel they’re a threat in social situations. But women like you are the reason married women are sometimes hostile to the singles at parties or barbecues or the like. You targeted this married man and YOU want to dictate what the wife says and thinks? 
GTFOH