DingDang Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 So, basically, this is just a run of the mill affair. MM rewriting history; poor me, I gave my all and it wasn't enough; my wife doesn't want me; I'm starved for affection; I'll tell OW what she wants to hear to keep her on the hook OW lapping up any attention the MM, her twoo wuv, will throw her way; Look at me, MM! I'll fill the void and be the perfect partner; I love him more than W does, why won't she step aside and let me have him? It's not fair! SSDD. Seriously, this is textbook. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
DingDang Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 Quote People feel attracted and get close to other people all the time, because it is only human. It it bound to happen in every relationship, especially if it s long one. I don´t think I would see it as cheating. Would it make jealous? Sure! but I think of it as cheating. If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, it's cheating. Cut and dried. Once you've experienced the fallout from it and recovered well, you set and defend firm boundaries and you don't go there ever again because it's not worth the damage to the marriage or to yourself. 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites
czanclus Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 23 hours ago, heartwhole2 said: OP, here's my prediction for your time with MM today: He will express how much he wishes that you could have more together. He'll be wistful and endearing. But he won't make any concrete promises or cross any hard lines into PA territory. He'll describe how great it would be if you could be together. This is now strictly a supportive friendship, which honestly is what you had before you confessed your feelings to him. Can I just ask, why isn't this good enough? I mean... I can only dream that some married/committed man comes to me and tells me that if he was not with the wife/partner, he'd pursue me like it's no one's business in hopes we could be together. It would do such wonders for my self-esteem, I would be floating on cloud 9 for a whole week month. Why does a man need to break off existing relationship in order for someone's value as a prospective partner to be confirmed? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 33 minutes ago, DingDang said: So, basically, this is just a run of the mill affair. MM rewriting history; poor me, I gave my all and it wasn't enough; my wife doesn't want me; I'm starved for affection; I'll tell OW what she wants to hear to keep her on the hook OW lapping up any attention the MM, her twoo wuv, will throw her way; Look at me, MM! I'll fill the void and be the perfect partner; I love him more than W does, why won't she step aside and let me have him? It's not fair! SSDD. Seriously, this is textbook. Seriously, this is confusing, One moment this is textbook, the next it is so unusual some people doubt the veracity of it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 14 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said: He thought introducing me to his wife gave me a respectful place in his life, so that I knew he cared about me and did not want to put me in the situation of being his secret lover. I notice that so many of your posts are rife with contradictions that you don't even seem to notice. Your MM wanted to give you a respectful place in his life so that you are not in the situation of being his secret lover? But then when he came to visit you he lied to his wife and told her he was just going for a walk thus putting you in the position of being his secret mistress. In any case BW sounds like she would be quite a catch for a strong secure man. Great mother, passionate about her work, good social connections, ambitious, independent. She is obviously not unloving or self absorbed as she was very quick to notice that something was going with her husband and she even tried to be understanding enough to meet and accept his special friend. I can tell from from your posts that she has a lot of qualities and a lot going for her. Your MM's only complaint really seems to be that she is not needy enough. Needy women usually only appeal to insecure men. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 14 minutes ago, czanclus said: Can I just ask, why isn't this good enough? I mean... I can only dream that some married/committed man comes to me and tells me that if he was not with the wife/partner, he'd pursue me like it's no one's business in hopes we could be together. It would do such wonders for my self-esteem, I would be floating on cloud 9 for a whole week month. Why does a man need to break off existing relationship in order for someone's value as a prospective partner to be confirmed? It would be, if I wanted a self esteem boost and if our relationship had not started already. The thing is we have been seeing each other for a month, I want a relationship - unconventional, of course- not an ego stroke. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 Just now, anika99 said: putting you in the position of being his secret mistress. He did not propose this. I did. I do not mind if our relationship needs to be a secret. Him and me being in it is more than enough. Nobody needs to Know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, czanclus said: Can I just ask, why isn't this good enough? I mean... I can only dream that some married/committed man comes to me and tells me that if he was not with the wife/partner, he'd pursue me like it's no one's business in hopes we could be together. It would do such wonders for my self-esteem, I would be floating on cloud 9 for a whole week month. Why does a man need to break off existing relationship in order for someone's value as a prospective partner to be confirmed? Because these people (OW/OM) generally aren't looking to be a prospective partner - they want to be the actual partner. They eventually get tired and frustrated with always being second place. Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: Seriously, this is confusing, One moment this is textbook, the next it is so unusual some people doubt the veracity of it... I think having you meet his wife was a bit of a surprise, otherwise everything you and MM say is pretty textbook for people caught up in the fantasy of an affair. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, anika99 said: I notice that so many of your posts are rife with contradictions that you don't even seem to notice. Your MM wanted to give you a respectful place in his life so that you are not in the situation of being his secret lover? But then when he came to visit you he lied to his wife and told her he was just going for a walk thus putting you in the position of being his secret mistress. In any case BW sounds like she would be quite a catch for a strong secure man. Great mother, passionate about her work, good social connections, ambitious, independent. She is obviously not unloving or self absorbed as she was very quick to notice that something was going with her husband and she even tried to be understanding enough to meet and accept his special friend. I can tell from from your posts that she has a lot of qualities and a lot going for her. Your MM's only complaint really seems to be that she is not needy enough. Needy women usually only appeal to insecure men. Funny what you mention about the wife. I remember he once said something like that about her once: she could have any man he wanted, I sort of understand why she has left me aside, or something like that. This was at the very beginning of our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I do not mind if our relationship needs to be a secret. Him and me being in it is more than enough. Nobody needs to Know. What happened to helping him end his marriage? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because these people (OW/OM) generally aren't looking to be a prospective partner - they want to be the actual partner. They eventually get tired and frustrated with always being second place. What´s actual and what is second place anyway? For me it is all about who you love. Not who you live with or are legally married to. That can all be a facade. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 12 hours ago, BaileyB said: he is choosing to disrespect his wife in the worst possible way. He is giving me the place I want in is life. Not as his wife´s friend, certainly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 12 hours ago, BaileyB said: I’m starting to feel like she should leave. This guy sounds like a prize idiot! She would take half their assets, she is already doing everything anyway… she’s an educated and professional woman. If he continues to collide with you in the way you say he did today - she would do well to let him go. And then, the two of you could have your happily ever after… Well, maybe she should. Not because he is an idiot, but rather because their relationship is over. Otherwise, none of what is happening between us would be happening, right? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: What´s actual and what is second place anyway? For me it is all about who you love. Not who you live with or are legally married to. That can all be a facade. Right. Keep telling yourself that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
czanclus Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I want a relationship - unconventional, of course- not an ego stroke. I understand, but at any cost? You mentioned some hypothetical scenario (unlikely to really play out that way from the standpoint of stress and emotional burden) in which you all coexist, he stays married to the wife on paper, you and him are in a relationship outside of his family life hours. I can bet money you will not be happy in that arrangement, let alone his wife, child, and him. You'll end up having to share him more than you seem to be willing. Would you really be satisfied to know that you played a key role in fostering something so unstable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 11 hours ago, BaileyB said: And you know this how exactly? You certainly can’t believe him considering that you know he has lied to his wife and also to you. So, excluding that, how do you know this to the true? Well, we share a lot about our life stories. He shares this with me, should I hire a PD to check? I´m sure there is another side to the story: hers. Remember, I´ve been married for a long time. But I believe if this is the ways he sees things, then it is true for him. It´s how he has experienced it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 10 hours ago, heartwhole2 said: You don't say . . . He didn't expect you to say you didn't want physical intimacy when you really did, and then act like you were being really gracious by not expecting the full sex he had told you you wouldn't have, and thus feeling empowered by pretending to set a boundary that he had already set? Look, I'm starting to lose the plot. If this is going to be a daily recounting of how he texted you, and you did the opposite of what you said, and then he did the opposite of what he said, and you never asked the direct questions that might really "disambiguate" anything, and tell me internet people, what does it all mean, then I'm not sure I can provide any help in that. Others may be willing, perhaps. My answer is: it still means what it always meant. He likes you. He's staying married if he can. You are motivated by fear and hurt, and those are not good decision makers. I wonder if the (much needed, good riddance) loss of your husband has created a drama void which you feel the need to fill. Well, not exactly. It´s hard to share this, but he did make a move towards intercourse and I said no. But we definitely had sex, just not intercourse. Unless we take a very narrow definition where sex means only intercourse, of course... Many things happen between us that I don´t write about here. I bring here the parts that do not add up, because that is what I need other perspectives for. What happened yesterday really disambiguated many things, believe me. I am not interrogating him like the holy inquisition. That is not what I want our relationship to be like. I am ok with him staying married. But he does not only like me. I can tell. Losing my husband was a relief, actually. I am beginning to see that now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
czanclus Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because these people (OW/OM) generally aren't looking to be a prospective partner - they want to be the actual partner. But... why? Why under pretenses of having to be a home-wrecker to make it happen? Why isn't it enough to acknowledge that if circumstances had been different, the man would have been willing, and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: He is giving me the place I want in is life. Not as his wife´s friend, certainly. Girl, you lyin'. To yourself. I think you move the goalposts all around, continuously, because you didn't actually get what you wanted from him. So now to avoid further embarrassing yourself and looking like you have egg all over face, you're insisting that this is what you want. Like the sour grapes kid who got beat in a race, pouts, then insists, "well, fine, I didn't want first place anyway!" Nobody believes him. And I'm pretty sure even you don't believe your own BS you're trying to sell yourself, but you're too proud to admit it. Because that would mean admitting that he doesn't actually want what you want out of this. And that would hurt you deeply, because you've gotten overly-attached and overly-invested, and would make you question (erroneously) why you're not good enough for this man that he doesn't want a real relationship with you. Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You seem content with just being his hobby. His wife is a successful ambitious person and he needs a new hobby so he won't feel as impotent vis-a-vis her and to keep himself occupied. I would rephrase this as: I seem content just knowing what we have is deep and real and enjoying it as much as possible. His wife doesn´t care about him, so whoy would he refrain from living this with me? She carries on with her things, we have each other. Everyone should be happy, right? I don´t need him to divorce her. I´ve been abundantly clear about this to him and here as well. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 minute ago, czanclus said: But... why? Why under pretenses of having to be a home-wrecker to make it happen? Why isn't it enough to acknowledge that if circumstances had been different, the man would have been willing, and move on. I don't know. I have never been an OW so I can't answer that for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 4 hours ago, jspice said: His wife gets to decide whatever the hell she wants for HER family and HER husband. Not her husband. People do not own people. And if this is her thinking, then I can totally see why he feels so comfortable with me. He´s not somethng I own to me. He is free to do whatever he wants with his family and wife. We just happen to want each other in each other´s life, but I am not pressing him with conditions. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 7 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I would rephrase this as: I seem content just knowing what we have is deep and real and enjoying it as much as possible. His wife doesn´t care about him, so whoy would he refrain from living this with me? She carries on with her things, we have each other. Everyone should be happy, right? I don´t need him to divorce her. I´ve been abundantly clear about this to him and here as well. Then why is your relationship of one month already so confusing and angst-ridden? 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said: Then why is your relationship of one month already so confusing and angst-ridden? Just wait until he starts pulling away or gets caught and cuts her off. Watch how "happy" she is with this nonsense then. Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts