DingDang Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 Quote What´s actual and what is second place anyway? For me it is all about who you love. Not who you live with or are legally married to. That can all be a facade. What if he were to leave the W, commit to you, and then have an affair with someone else? Would you wish him well? You'll probably say yes, but we all know that's not true. You're justifying what you're doing to make yourself feel better. And yes, this is a run of the mill affair, except for the meeting with the W. That was unusual. Seeing as how he's still hiding you and lying to her, I strongly suspect that meeting was an attempt to show her that you're just a friend. If I were a betting woman, I'd put money on this unraveling quickly. Unless she's given him permission to mess around and told him that she doesn't want to know about it, which is possible. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, DingDang said: Unless she's given him permission to mess around and told him that she doesn't want to know about it, which is possible. I wondered that, but I think if that were the case, she wouldn't have added OP on Facebook nor wanted to meet her in person. That should be OP's cue that in fact his wife does care about what her husband gets up to and is keeping an eye out, but we all know that OP will have a convoluted excuse to justify that to fit her fantasy fairtytale she's crafted together. Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 5 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Just wait until he starts pulling away or gets caught and cuts her off. Watch how "happy" she is with this nonsense then. Yes, she got one vague text and spent a whole night in panic. 😧 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DingDang Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I wondered that, but I think if that were the case, she wouldn't have added OP on Facebook nor wanted to meet her in person. That should be OP's cue that in fact his wife does care about what her husband gets up to and is keeping an eye out, but we all know that OP will have a convoluted excuse to justify that to fit her fantasy fairtytale she's crafted together. Very good point. I suspect that this will unravel quickly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said: Then why is your relationship of one month already so confusing and angst-ridden? It has been confusing for a week now, it certainly was not at the beginning. I do not feel angst ridden, though. I feel confused at certain things. It´s like the intangibles are all there, our feelings are there, they are real and deep. But some complication emerges and it´s hard to make sense of his reactions. I guess it must be confusing for him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: What happened to helping him end his marriage? We, we tried. I met her as he requested. I just later discovered that it was not going to work. We cannot pretend what´s going on is not going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Just wait until he starts pulling away or gets caught and cuts her off. Watch how "happy" she is with this nonsense then. We,, he just sort of got caught a week ago and he did not pull away or cut me off, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I wondered that, but I think if that were the case, she wouldn't have added OP on Facebook nor wanted to meet her in person. That should be OP's cue that in fact his wife does care about what her husband gets up to and is keeping an eye out, but we all know that OP will have a convoluted excuse to justify that to fit her fantasy fairtytale she's crafted together. Maybe she has just realised she does care, but it seems it is a bit late for that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 28 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said: Yes, she got one vague text and spent a whole night in panic. 😧 Not in panic. I was just worried about him. I do not want him to be in trouble. Anyway, we are meeting for lunch in a few moments, so I´ll find out... Edited August 16, 2021 by Iwantthisformyself Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I´m not even expecting or even less asking him to leaver her, as I see many OW regularly do. You only changed your tune on that after you met his wife and realized he isn't going to leave her. That was most certainly not the tune you were singing at the beginning of this thread, so we know you're not being sincere about that. Your entitlement and neediness jumps off the screen in most of your other posts. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: We,, he just sort of got caught a week ago and he did not pull away or cut me off, right? No, he didn't get caught. He lied to her about who you are and his involvement with you. He was worried about upsetting her and losing her, so he smoothed the waters with her. That is not "getting caught." D-Day has not happened yet. You are in for quite shock when it does, or when he gets nervous that his wife is catching on to what's really happening and he distances himself. Either way, you need to think about what you will do when this affair ends. Because it will end, and proabably not by your choice. Then what? Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 8 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 16 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said: I wrote, asking him how things were at home. I told him my kids had just returned after spending the afternoon with their dad, and, just like he said, everyone at my home was happy, especially me. But his answer was not so comforting. He said: Not so great. I´ll tell you tomorrow... Ok so what did he mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You only changed your tune on that after you met his wife and realized he isn't going to leave her. That was most certainly not the tune you were singing at the beginning of this thread, so we know you're not being sincere about that. Your entitlement and neediness jumps off the screen in most of your other posts. Well, not quite. Remember that I was the first one of us who shared my feelings for him, when I did not even know his marriage was in rubbles. I did quite find the idea that she might leave attractive, as you can imagine, but I didn´t start this in that spirit. I just knew/felt/hoped? he would be open minded enough to explore this relationship with me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwantthisformyself Posted August 16, 2021 Author Share Posted August 16, 2021 9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, he didn't get caught. He lied to her about who you are and his involvement with you. He was worried about upsetting her and losing her, so he smoothed the waters with her. That is not "getting caught." D-Day has happened yet. You are in for quite shock when it does, or when he gets nervous that his wife is catching on to what's really happening and he distances himself. Either way, you need to think about what you will do when this affair ends. Because it will end, and proabably not by your choice. Then what? Would it be carzy to say he got caught and did not reveal everything to her to protect our relationship? Does D day necessarily mean he needs to admit it all? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 On 8/12/2021 at 10:12 PM, Iwantthisformyself said: He´s giving her time to process and accept the fact that their marriage is over. She knows about me, so he believes our meeting can help her calm down a bit and think more clearly. She seems te believe we are plotting our escape, or I´m asking him to leave her all the time, or something, so he wants her to see that it is not the case. Did he tell you the meeting worked and now his wife has calmed down and thinking more clearly now that she's met you? On 8/13/2021 at 3:25 PM, Iwantthisformyself said: He needs my help landing his marriage safely before he can end it in better terms than "I´m leaving because I fell in love ith someone else". I believe I can give him that. So you're backing out already after your promise to help him land his marriage? You aren't too strong are you? One look at his wife sent you running for the hills and you no longer want to be in her presence even though she treated you with complete respect and not like a side piece who is running after her husband. On 8/13/2021 at 3:26 PM, Iwantthisformyself said: He hasn´t chosen his wife. He has chosen to end his marriage as amicably as possible and he needs my help doing that. How are you helping him end it? You're too insecure to go forth with the original plan you concocted because after meeting his wife you realize that when it comes to the 2 of you, he goes home with her leaving you standing alone. You can't stand that feeling anymore so now you don't want to be in her presence. On 8/12/2021 at 7:18 PM, Iwantthisformyself said: He is simply living with a woman who is functionally and legally his wife, whom he does not love anymore. If this were the case why is he hiding from her what is going on with you. He had every opportunity to tell her about you at the park but didn't say a word. He could have shown her by leaving with you and your kids to see you home, but he left with her to see her home. This man wants his wife but doesn't feel he's good enough for her because she is attractive, accomplished, educated and ambitious. Plus she is younger than both of you and I'm sure would have no problem getting a man far better than him and he knows it. He's probably jealous of any man who comes near her. While she was probably laughing at what you two were up to at the park knowing this was some feeble attempt by him to make her jealous and show him love. That is why she had no problem telling you that you and your kids were welcomed in her home. You couldn't stand the fact that she took you so lightly so you wrongly accused her of setting boundaries on your relationship with him and now you're so intimidated that you can't follow through with "helping him land his marriage" as just promised on Friday. I agree this is a typical run of the mill affair except most OW get far more that you're getting and aren't stupid enough to let themselves be in the presence of the wife. In otherwords, they have more respect for themselves than to put their children and themselves in that position. 9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 Just now, Iwantthisformyself said: Would it be carzy to say he got caught and did not reveal everything to her to protect our relationship? Does D day necessarily mean he needs to admit it all? You're totally missing the point. It doesn't matter if he doesn't admit everything. The point is that when D-Day happens, you're going to be left on your own. Without him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 28 minutes ago, Iwantthisformyself said: But some complication emerges and it´s hard to make sense of his reactions. I am curious why you didn’t text him back and ask what was wrong. His communication seems very weak. If you are in love, why can’t you ask him to clarify what’s confusing you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Just wait until he starts pulling away or gets caught and cuts her off. Watch how "happy" she is with this nonsense then. Or the first time he goes on a family holiday… Or the first day that she is sad or sick and he’s not able to attend to her because he has a family obligation. Like most OW, she will be singing a different tune… 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 I asked before with no answer: how will you feel when he goes on family vacations, goes to family weddings and other celebrations without you, Christmas? To his son you will be a stranger or a vague and unimportant family friend. Are you sure you’re ok with all that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 2 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said: Seriously, this is confusing, One moment this is textbook, the next it is so unusual some people doubt the veracity of it... Kindly, this is difficult to believe at times for the very reason that it is so utterly textbook. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 (edited) I have to say, OP....the only adults I know in real life who are this resistant to keeping pespective and this attached to a grossly-exaggerated favourable version of events are the ones who are the most deeply hurt, deeply sad and deeply insecure. They cling for dear life to a peaches-and-cream storyline because they are too emotionally wounded to deal with reality. The truth is less than ideal? No problem. They pretend that's not the truth, and invent further justifications for things that are too painful to face. I suspect that underneath all your bravado and mental gymnastics, you are a very hurt woman. Hurt by events in your past, hurt from not feeling good enough for your cheating husband, and now that this man is paying attention to you, by God, you are not going to let yourself get hurt again. And so you work very hard to inject that toxic positivity and weave it into a love story. And you will not let anyone take that away from you by considering plausible alternatives. Must be awfully draining to live like this and constantly have to play mind games with yourself. That's why I asked what on earth you are going to do when this affair meets its end. You are going to fall to shambles, I fear. Edited August 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 8 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DingDang Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 Quote Maybe she has just realised she does care, but it seems it is a bit late for that... No, it's not. I heard the words "I'm in love with someone else" 17 years ago, I asked him to leave, he got a taste of what life was like without me and our kids, and his head got straight real quick. Our 33rd anniversary is coming up and he's turned into the absolute best partner any woman could ask for. Reality has a way of killing many affairs, and hysterical bonding between H and W is powerful stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 22 hours ago, MilaVaneela said: The OP said he “tries to help” by “suggesting diets and supplements and new therapists”. I say this as gently as possible, but I get the feeling that either 1) the man feels that unless his son’s autism can be “cured” and the boy made “normal” that what his wife is doing isn’t working or 2) it’s easier to throw Google results or Facebook posts at his wife and say “well I tried” instead of getting involved and putting in actual effort. Obviously I don’t know this man and can’t say for sure, but the OP’s wording suggests a detached, less than involved parent by his own choice, not by being forced out. it's sad to se show he uses his son as an excuse to check out. If he's waiting for a "cure' 🤮 (i hate that term, its not a disease) he'll be waiting a loonnnggggggg time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 16 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said: He came today. I sent him a message as soon as my kids left, and he was there in no time. When he arrived, we just kissed. No words spoken. Then I told him I did not want to go all the way. I felt we were not there yet, but I wanted physican intimacy with him. I held my hand out to him and he took it. We went to my bedroom. It was sweet and loving. No intercourse, at my request. We talked a lot, as usual. I said I was not ready to give him up. I was not interested in being his wife´s friend. I was into him, and I did not expect anything from him. Just knowing he wanted to be with me was enough. I did not care if he was married, as long as our relationship mean something in his heart. He said he could not believe the way things were going. He felt he could not expect me to want to be with him because he is in limbo in his marriage: he does not know what is going to happen and he does not want to hurt either of us. He thought introducing me to his wife gave me a respectful place in his life, so that I knew he cared about me and did not want to put me in the situation of being his secret lover. He though proposing something like that was crazy, and I would see it as such. But my tenderness and the way I care about him unconditionally was something completely unexpected and filled his heart. He then mentioned that my proposition today and this time we were spending together probalby made him see things differently than he had been looking at them: his wife is all about her life: she has friends, a full time job she is passionate about, their kid. She had been considering going back to university even, to advance her carreer. She did not seem to need him much. She had it all figured out. So, what would be the harm in thinking about his own needs once after so many years of putting the family first, especially since the family did not think to need him after all? If we could make each other happy by spending time together, listening to each other, being intimate, and his wife could continue with her life without actually divorcing him, just cooperating in parenting, then everyone should be happy. We discussed many more things, of course. After an hour and a half he left. He had left home saying he was going for a walk, and they were expecting him to go on a bike ride together. Ketting him go was hard, but I dod not ask him to stay longer. Having him today was all I wanted. A few minutes ago I wrote, asking him how things were at home. I told him my kids had just returned after spending the afternoon with their dad, and, just like he said, everyone at my home was happy, especially me. But his answer was not so comforting. He said: Not so great. I´ll tell you tomorrow... This sounds like a soap opera.OP, I think you actually like all the drama, as much as you may not want to believe me, you could very easily cut this nonsense out of your life. you actively choose not to. It reminds me of when my son was small and he got into a bag of wasabi peas. He had tears streaming down is face abut how spicy they were, but when said to him he should stop eating them, it turned out he actually liked it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 16, 2021 Share Posted August 16, 2021 14 hours ago, Iwantthisformyself said: He has. for many years, with disappointing results apparently madam, actually did a spit take on that one, it was just too funny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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