On a 'break' that seems like a breakup. What do I do?

[Losingher]

My and my girlfriend have been together going on 2.5yrs.  Living together for a little over 1.5 (about 10mos into dating).  We're both in our 30s.  We both have kids involved.

The one thing that bothers me about her is when she is stressed out she pulls away.  With that in mind her father just passed away a couple weeks ago of cancer.  Her daughter failed 6th grade and failed summer school too.  She is miserable with her current job.  She is having to make a ton of house repairs because of damage due to fire damage a while back.  There is more too but you get the idea I'm sure.

A few days ago she pulled away.  She told me she has to focus on these other things going on in her life and can't handle a relationship on top of it.  So we are on some sort of a break.  But she is going to the extent of sleeping on the couch even to keep distance.  I feel like she is trying to end us but doesn't know how.  No physical intimacy at all.  Doesn't say "I love you" first and hasn't for weeks.  Barely ever even talks to me in the house when we see each other.

I don't know what to do?  Some stuff I read online suggests just give her the space and try to offer support as she needs it.  This I do.  I feel anything beyond that is going to come off as either desperate or putting more stress on her.

Other stuff online suggests I pull away some myself so that she "misses me" some and realizes what she is neglecting.  Since we live together pulling away would be difficult.  I spend more time out of the house doing my own thing.  When home I stay distracted with other things.  So I am leaving her alone.  I feel like if I just keep doing that though she will just keep pulling away.  I mean one night I even spent at a friend's house just to see if she'd care.  She never once text or called me that whole evening or the next day.  I feel like she doesn't care anymore.  But I have no idea how to get that back under the circumstances?  If I push she will get stressed and I lose her.  I back off and she is just completely blowing me off and I feel like it's making it worse.  Suggestions would be appreciated please.  I'm lost.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Losingher said:

her father just passed away a couple weeks ago of cancer.  Her daughter failed 6th grade and failed summer school too.  She is miserable with her current job.  She is having to make a ton of house repairs because of damage due to fire damage a while back.

Whose house is it? Can you move out?

She needs her close friends and family right now to help her cope with all this intense stress.

That way rather than just staying at friends to test her, you could move forward with your life and she could find the support he needs

[glows]

Clarify what this break is and if she wants to end it, treat it seriously and move out if her house solely. Are your kids also living in this house? You owe it to them for their stability to clarify what is happening in this relationship. 

Im sorry but she sounds checked out and is waiting for you to leave. Do you contribute evenly to all the bills?

[Lotsgoingon]

So keep in mind that your major task right now is to evaluate whether of not SHE is a worthy partner. You're getting to see her weak spots. So this is important information for you to consider: that she emotionally withdraws when under stress. And part 2 of this pattern seems to be (I'll say it, you didn't) she seems to frequently be under a lot of stress!

So is this a pattern you're willing to put up with in the relationship? So you want to be asking yourself that question. You seem focused on how to change her behavior. Well you can think about that later, but first, get clear about your own feelings. 

And this woman is not a good communicator apparently (and perhaps you're lax here as well) as you don't seem to know the status of the relationship, and what a "break" even means for her. Tip: the confusion here is indication that you guys are not great communicators and you both needs to work on this. You (literally you!) cannot be shy and reticent when dating someone who emotionally pulls away. If you don't push the person to talk and explain, you're going to be lost at sea because they feel no need to talk and explain. 

So up your talking game or say goodbye to this relationship.

Just my intuition: something tells me that beyond this issue there are lots of other ways this relationship isn't satisfying. I mean, this is a big "break" right here, but is your gf moody day by day? Is she warm one day and cold the next?

[Losingher]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Clarify what this break is and if she wants to end it, treat it seriously and move out if her house solely. Are your kids also living in this house? You owe it to them for their stability to clarify what is happening in this relationship. 

Im sorry but she sounds checked out and is waiting for you to leave. Do you contribute evenly to all the bills?

I've tried to talk to her about exactly what it is.  She gets stressed every time and then gets angry about it.  No winning that one if I try to talk to her.

The kids are here every other weekend.  Split holidays and summers and the like too.  Shared custody plan with my ex.  And yea it's confusing to them too seeing us not how we normally are.

As far as her being checked out as you call it I agree.  She never treated me like this before.  I just don't get it though as I've done nothing wrong at all.  Even asked her several times and got that same answer.  Just keeps saying it's the stress from everything else.

So do you think this checking out as you called it is permanent?  If not any suggestions the best way to handle it to get past it?

I pay more than my share of the bills.  We both have solid incomes though so money is irrelevant.

[Losingher]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So keep in mind that your major task right now is to evaluate whether of not SHE is a worthy partner. You're getting to see her weak spots. So this is important information for you to consider: that she emotionally withdraws when under stress. And part 2 of this pattern seems to be (I'll say it, you didn't) she seems to frequently be under a lot of stress!

So is this a pattern you're willing to put up with in the relationship? So you want to be asking yourself that question. You seem focused on how to change her behavior. Well you can think about that later, but first, get clear about your own feelings. 

And this woman is not a good communicator apparently (and perhaps you're lax here as well) as you don't seem to know the status of the relationship, and what a "break" even means for her. Tip: the confusion here is indication that you guys are not great communicators and you both needs to work on this. You (literally you!) cannot be shy and reticent when dating someone who emotionally pulls away. If you don't push the person to talk and explain, you're going to be lost at sea because they feel no need to talk and explain. 

So up your talking game or say goodbye to this relationship.

Just my intuition: something tells me that beyond this issue there are lots of other ways this relationship isn't satisfying. I mean, this is a big "break" right here, but is your gf moody day by day? Is she warm one day and cold the next?

Thanks for all the food for thought.  Yea she knows she is a really bad communicator when stressed out.  

And not so much looking to change the behavior no.  Finding a middle ground that works for both of us should it ever happen again.  And more importantly currently the best way to handle it now to keep from losing her.  I felt I could figure out the details you suggested here later but my priority (assuming I want to stick through this) is how to make it past this whole distance thing she is doing.

I try to communicate but it just makes her upset with me at this point.  So asking just makes stuff worse.

I just don't get how one day she is ranting about how happy she is with me.  Tells me I'm her best friend.  Tells me she couldn't fathom going on without me if I passed away.  But then the next day doing all this and sleeping on the couch.

I've thought she might be bipolar or BPD from what I've researched.  Her mood changes dramatically from day to day.  So yes cold one day warm the next.  VERY sensitive to any medications, which can throw her off bad.  She avoids meds because she is aware of this.  Two different people told me that in and of itself is an indicator of mental instability - the slightest change due to meds and they lose functionality.  I don't know though I'm not a psychologist just guessing.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can't get past a distance thing that the other person is creating.  You can go into your own world--and some people can do that--and wait til the partner returns to contact. But why would you want to work THAT hard?

And asking her things makes it worse. Dude, I punch you in the head and you hurt. Then you call me on it, and I punch you again. That's the dynamic you're describing. 

Why isn't this woman setting off alarms for you? These patterns clearly sound like alarms to me, alarms to stay away. She may need to do more healing before she can really be present in a relationship. And you should never assume that people will do healing work  and you never never ever want to assume that if they do that work, they will want to be with you. 

Again your job is to be evaluating her right now? Not trying to hold your nose and somehow painlessly endure the misery of her withdrawal. 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry this is happening, Lotsgoingon.  I can imagine it is very painful.

Your girlfriend is obviously going through a lot of pain at the moment.  Some pain, such as grief, is not something you can easily share.  Others understand but don't know what to say.  It can throw you totally off balance because you are a person in relation to that other person who has died.  All of a sudden, you are heartbroken at losing them, often have practical things to arrange such as the funeral, and do not know what place you have in the world any more. It is devastating.

The above aside, the times when I have felt unable to share troubles with my partner were when I felt he was:

1) not supportive in an emotional way

2) not supportive in a practical way

3) communication has been difficult for some time.

It sounds like things have got pretty bad for her and as a result for you.  If she is distancing herself so much, it would be wise (for yourself) to work out a way to leave.  That is, if the situation cannot be improved at all.

There are some things you could think about:

Are you taking the full share of the load of a relationship?  Are you sharing costs, work, housework, responsibilities?

Do you listen to her and try to understand where she is coming from?

She has to pay for a roof to be repaired and this is a stress for her.  Is that something you could have helped with?  Could you have helped with the practicalities of finding someone to do the job or making her a cup of tea while she does the phoning round?

I guess the reason I am mentioning the above is that I suspect she feels unsupported in general and that when a painful crisis hits her, she feels alone as if she has no-one to share it with.  If that is the case, then she will ask herself why she is with someone at all.

I am not seeking to blame you, just asking questions.  This is a time when she will need her partner most.  If she is moving away like this, she is hurting and avoiding.  Not much you can do if she will not talk to you but think about how you have/have not supported her in the past.  It may help to answer your questions about why she is reacting like this now.

[Beachead]

Hey @Losingher,

I'm sorry this is happening to you.   

Asking for a "Break" is disrespectful since it has no rules or boundaries  Hence, she has put you in an unsettling uncomfortable position.

Overall, because of how she deals with her stress and the number of times this has happened in the past in addition to this situation, I don't believe she is longterm material.

She's basically telling you everytime life gets hard, you're going to shut out and left in the dark.  You don't think that will affect your motivation and love for life which will affect the way yo treat your kids and family and friends? Your career?   We are shaped by our environment and those we surround ourselves with.  Also, your kids are seeing this dynamic between you and her and are being affected by this.

Who's home is this?  Could you move out?  If you can, I would suggest you do it and not for the reason of attempting to win her back, but as a permanent thing.   

- Beach

 

Edited August 8, 2021 by Beachead

[ShyViolet]

Whether or not you "lose her" is really not up to you.  It's up to her.  You need to do what she has asked... give her space and leave her alone.  Honestly it really sounds like she wants you out of the house.  If this continues much longer, you should move out.  REALLY give her space for a good while and then see if she reaches out to you again.  If she doesn't want you to move back in, then you have your answer.

[glows]

On 8/7/2021 at 3:15 PM, Losingher said:

I've tried to talk to her about exactly what it is.  She gets stressed every time and then gets angry about it.  No winning that one if I try to talk to her.

The kids are here every other weekend.  Split holidays and summers and the like too.  Shared custody plan with my ex.  And yea it's confusing to them too seeing us not how we normally are.

As far as her being checked out as you call it I agree.  She never treated me like this before.  I just don't get it though as I've done nothing wrong at all.  Even asked her several times and got that same answer.  Just keeps saying it's the stress from everything else.

So do you think this checking out as you called it is permanent?  If not any suggestions the best way to handle it to get past it?

I pay more than my share of the bills.  We both have solid incomes though so money is irrelevant.

There may be resentment brewing over time for a very long time. You just haven’t noticed. It’s hard but review any issues in the past no matter how trivial they may seem to you. She has checked out.

You asked for ways to handle this hot/cold. My advice is to see it exactly as it is and stay even. You say you don’t know why this is happening but chances are you do. You’re just in denial. You may have made mistakes or added to disagreements in the past that have been swept under the carpet. If money isn’t an issue start focusing on a more stable lifestyle at home for your kids. Plan B. Exit if it comes down to it. Your kids always come first. If you suspect your partner is unstable for whatever reason they have to want help. If they don’t want help you can’t take that on yourself. 

I’d ask her next what she sees for your future together. Open up the conversation. No accusations such as “why did you do this” or “why didn’t you do that.” Stay calm and find out where she sees the both of you. Usually this prompts a heart to heart, find a quiet time to do this where you’re both calm. Please let us know how it goes.