What is a normal reaction to this?

[Lady Duck]

I need to know what others think of this or would have reacted to this. Let's not have any context attached to this or get to whose prior faults, behaviours, achievements, similar issues etc. and assume the best or worst about either of us. 

On Friday night two of us were sitting at the table with our 11 year old daughter for dinner. Things were good as far as I could say at least, and we had take out sushi we all liked. He asked me if I had received the 'course details' I was waiting for from a friend and I said I had not and the friend may have just been busy. 

He continued politely and said he thinks the course would be good for me as I do not do much mental activities and I should do more mental activities. He continued to say that my job did not require much mental creativity and I did not read a book or engage in similar activities and was spending a lot of time on social media or with friends.

Our daughter looked at him and said you will regret saying that. He asked why and our daughter said because she (me) gave you the look. 

He responded with "I am just saying that because I love her and want what is best for her". 

[basil67]

I'm not sure which bit you want commentary on.   It seems that your husband is keen to see you take on something mentally challenging and is trying to be supportive.   And it seems that your daughter is a bit mouthy.  

[Lady Duck]

t is a course on property management that I had suggested I liked to do and then manage our rental properties myself, compared to via an agency currently. I put this on hold for now though as I am starting a new job at a University in a couple of weeks and thought there may be some benefits for staff.

I have a masters degree, so does he. He is a business development manager and I am a human resources manager. I have worked full time since I graduated Uni at the age of 23 and last year gave up a promotion as it required me to work long hours and after 18 months I realised I did not have work and life balance. In a year since then I am offered a better opportunity at a University with higher pay and let's assume they didn't just want me for my looks.

We live far away from any family or relatives and have been lucky to build a few friendships which he suggests takes too much of my time. 

Without going into any details about who may be a better or more sacrificing spouse, and just with the above background, would he be still okay to evaluate my mental stimulation and suggest that I need to do more work in this space?

 

[basil67]

I'm looking at the cause of his view, rather than the statement itself.   From what you say, his view comes from him resenting you spending "too much" time with your friends, so this is where I'd start.    Now, we see everything here from people getting left at home all the time because their partner is out partying with friends very frequently, to those who's partners would like to see them virtually isolated....so I don't want to make any assumptions.   

So I guess my first question is whether or not his views about you socialising too much hold any water (we're good for bouncing around ideas such as this).  My second question is whether or not your group invites spouses sometimes,  and lastly, are any men in the new social group who you're getting on particularly well with?

[Lady Duck]

Thanks for brining that up basil67, however I do not think that is it unfortunately. He comes more from a position that he values his time by reading systematically and having personal hobbies that he is committed to. He does not love my suggestions about a walk in the park or similar activities although does participate 'because of you he says', and does not volunteer to plan things to do together ' because you do not share my interests and would not enjoy he says'. 

The friends he is referring to are wives of men he is also friends with and we would always hang out with together as a couple. I am more in touch with them though via phone, text etc. in a general sense and a friendly way and keeping touch about birthdays, showers and organising catch ups like anyone else I know around me to be honest. 

 

[giotto]

Personally, I find it disrespectful towards you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, giotto said:

Personally, I find it disrespectful towards you. 

Yes, it came across as condescending to me as well. 

The comment about being on social media and spending a lot of time with friends makes me think he feels your and his interests are different enough to the point of causing some sort of issue for him. 

 

[BaileyB]

Another who found that statement to be disrespectful and  on descending. I think your daughter felt it too, as per her reaction. 

His attempt to be “helpful” was really just a backhanded statement or a suggestion that you could be doing more with your time - he clearly thinks very little about the fact that you spend your time on social media and chatting with friends. 

[spiderowl]

Sounds like your husband is being patronising to me.  Unless it is affecting him negatively in some way, he shouldn't judge how you spend your 'down' time.  People should not have to feel they should always be 'bettering' themselves.  If you are working and doing your fair share, then like anyone else you are entitled to downtime.

Working in a University can be quite demanding, just saying ...

Edited August 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[basil67]

Thanks for all the background - with what you've said, I think his statement was a backhanded compliment.  Does he often criticise you in these kinds of ways?  

[IrinaM]

I also thought it was condescending. I would be hurt and offended.

I also don't understand his thinking--does he want you to work full-time and also take a course in property management?

Whatever you do, don't spread yourself too thin. Too many people feel pressured to overcommit themselves and have all their time accounted for with "productivity."

[glows]

On 8/7/2021 at 7:45 PM, Lady Duck said:

Thanks for brining that up basil67, however I do not think that is it unfortunately. He comes more from a position that he values his time by reading systematically and having personal hobbies that he is committed to. He does not love my suggestions about a walk in the park or similar activities although does participate 'because of you he says', and does not volunteer to plan things to do together ' because you do not share my interests and would not enjoy he says'. 

The friends he is referring to are wives of men he is also friends with and we would always hang out with together as a couple. I am more in touch with them though via phone, text etc. in a general sense and a friendly way and keeping touch about birthdays, showers and organising catch ups like anyone else I know around me to be honest. 

 

He seems selfish and quite self-absorbed. Mention to him calmly that sharing or planning things to do together is important to you. If he refuses to participate or is condescending towards you, you have a condescending and selfish partner and there's very little you can do except to ask yourself whether you wish to continue a relationship where you are cut off or unable to share your life with your partner in intimate ways. You may lack respect, passion, interest or love in your relationship.

What do you mean "he values his time by reading systematically"? This sounds robotic and cold also. What is he reading? See whether you both can reconnect over any interests, shared or otherwise.