Is it bad to not care about what other people think?

[Happy Lemming]

14 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I don't know if there is an area of promotion up for me, but for her, she is a supervisor compared to me, and I sometimes worry does it look bad for her. 

If she is not concerned about it, why should you be. 

This woman can make her own decisions regarding her career with the company.  I imagine if your relationship starts to affect her position at the company in a negative way, her supervisor will discuss it with her.  Until that happens, don't worry about it.

There is an old saying about don't go looking for problems that aren't there.

Just relax... enjoy your life, enjoy your relationship with this woman.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I can do that.  Thanks.

As far as my parents go for me dating a woman that is 16 years younger than me, bothering them, here is what I do not understand.  A few years ago, my Mother told me that because I am autistic, I may never find a gf or long term partner, and that I may have to face that reality.  So she was pretty much saying that my options are pretty limited.

Now that I have a gf, she completely changed her stance, and lectures me on why can't I go for a woman my own age... What happened to the, my options are limited belief she had before?  Since when do I have women lining up that there are a lot to choose from... That's the part I find contradictory and confusing.

Edited August 14, 2021 by ironpony

[Happy Lemming]

I hear what you are saying, but in the end your parents provide a roof over your head. The minute you are not under their roof, you can care less what your mother thinks about who you are dating. Once out, you can completely ignore everything your mother has to say about any and all subjects.

Here is a thought... You seem happy with this woman and she seems happy with you.  Have you considered living together??

If you both pull your money together, could you afford a decent (month to month) apartment??

If she is a supervisor, surely she makes a decent salary/wage.  How is she at budgeting??  Perhaps this is the answer to all of your problems.

 

[ironpony]

She makes more money than me.  It's decent but still low, but her apartment rent where she is is quite cheap.  I might live with her, it's just I don't know if we are quite there yet, but maybe getting there.  I'm not sure how she is at budgeting for a movie, if that's what where you are getting at :).

Edited August 14, 2021 by ironpony

[Happy Lemming]

23 minutes ago, ironpony said:

She makes more money than me.  It's decent but still low, but her apartment rent where she is is quite cheap.  I might live with her, it's just I don't know if we are quite there yet, but maybe getting there.  I'm not sure how she is at budgeting for a movie, if that's what where you are getting at :).

Perhaps explain to her your difficulties living at home with your parents and attempt to open a discussion about living together.

No... I wasn't talking about budgeting for a movie, I was talking about a household budget for both of you.  As an example, if you two lived together you would be pitching in on the bills, rent, utilities, cable TV, etc.  You develop a budget on the shared bills, so you know you can contribute your share to the household (when the bills come due).

 

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  It's just that where I live, there a law that if you live together for a set period of time, I read a year, that if things were to not work out that the other person is entitled to a good amount of your savings.  I mean that would be a worst case scenario probably, but it was established before on here that the worst case scenario is the most likely possibly in logic.  So there is that to consider, isn't there?

[Happy Lemming]

I know nothing about Canadian law, but that doesn't sound right.  If there is such a law, perhaps it is possible to have a waiver drawn up.  You would need to check with a Canadian attorney on that one.

Do you want to move out of your parents' home??

[ironpony]

Yeah I do.  I'll check with an attorney.  Not sure if the gf would agree to such a waiver this soon, if it were an option, but I can check.

[Happy Lemming]

I think you would need to "test the waters" about living together (with this woman - first), before even thinking about a waiver or sub-lease or any other legal documentation.

I'm just kind of thinking "out of the box" as a way to assist you in moving out.

Again... you have every right to be happy with your life.  Different things bring happiness to different people.

Do you think you would be happy living with your girlfriend??

[ironpony]

Well one thing about my gf that I wasn't the biggest fan of is that she has two cats, and I don't like cats normally.  But everything else should be fine and I could try to get use to the cats.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, ironpony said:

Well one thing about my gf that I wasn't the biggest fan of is that she has two cats, and I don't like cats normally.  But everything else should be fine and I could try to get use to the cats.

For the most part cats are independent animals, I've found if you leave them alone, they do their own thing.

There are some that like to be petted and there are some that prefer to be aloof.

This sounds like something you would be able to adjust to.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, it was also mainly the cat hair I didn't like, but maybe I could get use to it.

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, it was also mainly the cat hair I didn't like, but maybe I could get use to it.

You can get one of those lint/cat hair removal brushes.  It works like magic to remove lint/cat hair from your clothing.

Fixable problem!!

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay.  It's just that where I live, there a law that if you live together for a set period of time, I read a year, that if things were to not work out that the other person is entitled to a good amount of your savings.  I mean that would be a worst case scenario probably, but it was established before on here that the worst case scenario is the most likely possibly in logic.  So there is that to consider, isn't there?

 

Here's a link regarding what qualifies as common law in Canada and about how the separation of assets works.  https://divorce-canada.ca/common-law-separation-in-canada

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

It's just that where I live, there a law that if you live together for a set period of time,

Don't live together. You have not been dating long enough. You also need a good understanding of common-law in your jurisdiction.

Once you have been dating long enough, are both more financially secure, perhaps then consider renting a place.

If your parents have power-of-attorney over your finances that's another issue.

 It's always better to live in your own apt for a while and become financially, emotionally etc. self-sufficient before living with someone. 

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Here's a link regarding what qualifies as common law in Canada and about how the separation of assets works.  https://divorce-canada.ca/common-law-separation-in-canada

Interesting read... thanks for posting it.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I will look at that, but I think it is also right that it's too soon to move in with her.  I could live on my own first, and try that out.

As for being afraid of what my co-workers think of the relationship, it's just we live in the time of cancel culture, where employees are fired for the smallest things in their personal lives nowadays and employers really care about how their employees conduct themselves in their personal lives, with cancel culture now, unless I am wrong?

[Happy Lemming]

28 minutes ago, ironpony said:

As for being afraid of what my co-workers think of the relationship, it's just we live in the time of cancel culture, where employees are fired for the smallest things...

What you describe is illegal... An employer cannot fire you because of what other co-workers think.  Can you imagine the size of the award a fired employee would receive because he/she was fired because of the opinions of his/her co-workers??

No this will NOT happen.  Work is not a popularity contest.  Show up on time, in uniform (if applicable), do your job and collect your paycheck. They cannot and will not fire you based on who you date or what your co-workers' opinions are of who you date.

You have stated that there is no policy in the HR handbook against co-workers dating, you have nothing to fear.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Okay thanks, I will look at that, but I think it is also right that it's too soon to move in with her.  I could live on my own first, and try that out.

As for being afraid of what my co-workers think of the relationship, it's just we live in the time of cancel culture, where employees are fired for the smallest things in their personal lives nowadays and employers really care about how their employees conduct themselves in their personal lives, with cancel culture now, unless I am wrong?

In my country, if your employer has a code of conduct which you accept and are then found to have breached it, you can be fired.  In your situation, it would be if that code of conduct has a rule about not dating other employees.  Though for companies which have that rule, I would suspect that it's more likely to be discouraged as opposed to being a firing offense.  Only you can tell us if there are rules about dating other employees in the code of conduct for your company.  

Again, in my country, other things which might see one fired for personal behaviour is if the company has a code of conduct which states that one must act in a way to support their diverse workplace, and you then get caught tweeting hate speech. 

[Veronica73]

I don’t think dating somebody who is of legal age, but is 16 years younger than you makes you a “perv”. And I’d be surprised if there were very many people who thought that. They may think it’s a bad idea and not likely to last long. But people who think you are a “perv” for dating an adult should be ignored. And I highly doubt that they would fire you for dating a coworker who isn’t your supervisor unless there are specific rules about it. If you do your job well and get along with your coworkers, you’re most likely fine. As is your girlfriend. 

That being said…at least where I live, and I think in most of the US….I think most of us have employment that is called “at will”. So for example, I can be fired at any time, for any reason, with no notice given. My employer can just come up to me and tell me I’m fired and have me collect my stuff and leave. The only recourse I would have is if there was evidence that they were discriminating against me based on the groups of people who by US law have protections against discrimination. (For instance, race, age, religion, etc.). But Canada may very well be different in that respect. I’d look it up. But I still kind of doubt either of you would be fired for dating if she isn’t your supervisor and it doesn’t affect your work. Don’t act like you guys are dating while you are at work. 

I’ve dated several guys that were 15+ years older than me. None of them worked out, and none of them were a great idea on my part. But I wouldn’t classify any of those guys as “pervs”.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, thanks, I can do that then and not worry about it at work then if that's best.

As for my parents thinking it may be kind of perverted for me to date a 21 year old, bothering them, here is what I do not understand. A few years ago, my Mother told me that because I am autistic, I may never find a gf or long term partner, and that I may have to face that reality. So she was pretty much saying that my options are pretty limited.

Now that I have a gf, she completely changed her stance, and lectures me on why can't I go for a woman my own age... What happened to the, my options are limited belief she had before? Since when do I have women lining up that there are a lot to choose from... That's the part I find contradictory and confusing.

Edited August 16, 2021 by ironpony

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

As for my parents thinking it may be kind of perverted for me to date a 21 year old, bothering them, here is what I do not understand. A few years ago, my Mother told me that because I am autistic, I may never find a gf or long term partner, and that I may have to face that reality. So she was pretty much saying that my options are pretty limited.

Now that I have a gf, she completely changed her stance, and lectures me on why can't I go for a woman my own age... What happened to the, my options are limited belief she had before? Since when do I have women lining up that there are a lot to choose from... That's the part I find contradictory and confusing.

Your mother I am sure would be happy to find you have a gf, but NOT this gf.
I am not sure why you find that confusing?
 

[ironpony]

Oh well the confusing part is is that, she says I am autistic who may never find someone, then she changes her mind and now thinks I am this popular ladies man with a lot more options to choose from.  The confusing part to me, is what caused her to change her mind on that.

[Happy Lemming]

If your mother's viewpoint/opinions/advice on dating and who you date is upsetting you, put some distance between you and her.

If you move out, you won't be subjected to her comments.  If she calls you up to check in and brings up something you don't like, tell her you have to go and end the call.  Don't continue to talk about it or engage her in discussion about the subject.

If you are visiting your parents and you mother brings up a subject that upsets you, excuse yourself and leave.

While you are under her roof you are a "captive audience". Even if you get up and leave the room, eventually you'll be forced to come back as you have to sleep there, giving your mother the chance to resume this discussion on dating. You can't really escape from hearing her entire diatribe/opinion (repeatedly), thus the term "captive audience".

Its quite apparent your mom doesn't care that you are confused.  She doesn't care if her argument is flawed & doesn't make logical sense. She doesn't care if you are happy and content with your present partner.  She has it in her mind that she doesn't like the person you are dating. 

The question is... "what do you want?" and "how bad do you want it?"  If you are truly happy with your current partner, to what ends are you willing to go to keep the relationship intact. Being that your mother provides a roof over your head, eventually your mom may give you an ultimatum (regarding this woman you are dating) and if so... what will you do about the situation?

[ironpony]

Oh I don't think she would do that, but if she where hypothetically I guess I will have to move out then.

I guess what I don't understand about what other people think is that they do not want me to make any decisions without certainty on how they will turn out.  I am not psychic and do not know how a relationship will turn out or how making a movie will turn out.  But I don't think anyone can be certain of such decisions and you just have to make them, and that's all you can do.

Unless I am wrong?