Need some advice:

[Deliah55]

I have been having a long distance relationship with a guy for 2.5 yrs, we have met about 16 times, due to covid was really hard as you can imagine! Anyway we have been physical almost every time we meet, I have asked has he had any sexual relations with anyone else other than me during our time and he said of course not! Prior to our meeting a month ago we had not had sex for 9 months! To cut a long story short after this meeting a month ago I've not been feeling great so got tested for any STDs and its come back I have one, one that luckily can be cleared with Antibiotics, I'm so angry I mean does this mean that during that 9 month break he saw someone else, as obvious I'd not caught anything from all the previous times, how do I go about bringing this up?! I've been very distant from him and of course he keeps asking why!! 

[ExpatInItaly]

If you have previously tested clean during this relationship and now you're suddenly not, yes, that does look suspicious. Have you asked your doctor about the incubation period for the specific STI you caught? Some of them can lie dormant for a while before causing symptoms. When was your last test before this one? 

You most definitely need to speak to your boyfriend, in any case. He needs to be tested as well, obviously. Explain what happened and tell him you expect him to be honest with you, as your health depends on it - even if he needs to tell you something he knows will hurt you.  Angry as you are, I would do your best to approach him calmly about this as it's much more likely to get you the information you need instead of putting him on the defensive right away.

It does seem a little strange to me that you had already asked if he'd had sex with anyone else, though. 9 months is a long time to be apart but have there perviously been trust issues between you?

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Deliah55 said:

To cut a long story short after this meeting a month ago I've not been feeling great so got tested for any STDs and its come back I have one, one that luckily can be cleared with Antibiotics. 

Sorry this happened. What made you get tested for STDs? What does your physician/clinic advise regarding it's transmission.

Were you ever tested before for any or this specific one?

Make sure you get tested for a full panel of STD testing .

Don't expect him to be honest about anything. However you need to inform him of it.

It's clear he hasn't been celebrate for months at a time in an unsatisfactory LDR.

Consider ending things if you feel there's no trust or that he's spreading diseases around.

[BaileyB]

If he has been your only partner, then it’s rather obvious that he has had another sexual relationship. 

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. At least you know, and you can make some different decisions. LDR are hard for so many reasons… it would be time to really reconsider, if it was me. 

[Deliah55]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you have previously tested clean during this relationship and now you're suddenly not, yes, that does look suspicious. Have you asked your doctor about the incubation period for the specific STI you caught? Some of them can lie dormant for a while before causing symptoms. When was your last test before this one? 

You most definitely need to speak to your boyfriend, in any case. He needs to be tested as well, obviously. Explain what happened and tell him you expect him to be honest with you, as your health depends on it - even if he needs to tell you something he knows will hurt you.  Angry as you are, I would do your best to approach him calmly about this as it's much more likely to get you the information you need instead of putting him on the defensive right away.

It does seem a little strange to me that you had already asked if he'd had sex with anyone else, though. 9 months is a long time to be apart but have there perviously been trust issues between you?

My last relationship I was cheated on so I guess its always been at the back of my mind it's the reason I asked but I made it clear from the start I was not up for us seeing other people, I had last test before I met him and have never had an STD in my life, this STD I was told is not so obvious for a man if they have it,  and it can come and go but to me it's just just really weird I have got it this time, I dont want to fly off the handle incase I dunno maybe he didnt realise he had it and I cant SW him saying yes actually I have slept with someone else. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Deliah55 said:

I dont want to fly off the handle incase I dunno maybe he didnt realise he had it

Yes, this is why I suggested you try to bring this up calmly. I think it will yield a lot more information that way, even if it's information that is hard to hear. 

If he claims innocence and says he doesn't realize is carrying something, then you are going to have a tough choice to make in terms of how much you trust that explanation. 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he claims innocence and says he doesn't realize is carrying something, then you are going to have a tough choice to make in terms of how much you trust that explanation. 

And that’s the hard part of a long distance relationship… when you go months without seeing each other, you have absolutely no idea what he is doing. You have to trust him - and you’ve been given a pretty big warning here that he may not be trustworthy. 

[Deliah55]

I have spoke to him about it and he said of course he hasn't, ( just like I thought he would ) but yes has left a huge doubt in my mind now 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Deliah55 said:

I have spoke to him about it and he said of course he hasn't, ( just like I thought he would ) but yes has left a huge doubt in my mind now 

I can understand why. I would be doubting him, too, honestly. 

Is he going to get tested?

Edited August 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Deliah55]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can understand why. I would be doubting him, too, honestly. 

Is he going to get tested?

Yes he said he will, and was rather shocked as his never had any symptoms, with this STI there is a rare chance can catch from public toilets, swimming pools etc his trying to reassure me he hasnt done anything, now I'm feeling bad for giving him silent treatment but until I know for sure.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Deliah55 said:

I'm feeling bad for giving him silent treatment but until I know for sure.

The thing is, how will you know for sure?

Him turning up positive won't be proof he caught it from someone else. You could have given it to him. That was why I said earlier that you will have to decide how much you trust him, because you won't have any way of knowing for sure unless he decides to confess to something. 

[Deliah55]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing is, how will you know for sure?

Him turning up positive won't be proof he caught it from someone else. You could have given it to him. That was why I said earlier that you will have to decide how much you trust him, because you won't have any way of knowing for sure unless he decides to confess to something. 

I guess all I can go by is when i was last tested before I met him 2.5 years ago, but yeah it's made me look at things very differently and I need to be more careful. 

 

Thanks for the advice x

[BaileyB]

Well, the good news is that it is easily treated and you are feeling better! 

It leaves other questions and all you can do is continue to assess the situation with caution. That’s all anyone can ever do, really.