Tash0 Posted August 8, 2021 Share Posted August 8, 2021 Where to start...well been together almost 30 years, 2 kids, house, etc. It feels as though we've lost the spark/connection. It's as if he is my 3rd child, not my partner. Haven't had sex or any physical contact in years, I would say. Came home to him jerking off to some videos. (Kids did not see it thankfully) The latest issue is my daughter borrowed his phone and there were tabs opened with porn, live sex videos, someones chat page with a woman doing things while people typed on the side encouraging her to do sexual things. My daughter is 9 but she came to me and told me, she didn't want to go see him because she was afraid. He was on vacation almost a month and did not lift a finger around the house or partake in family activities and outings. He sits on the computer all day and night playing video games and God knows what else when I go out. I know I'm fed up, feeling lonely and just can't do this anymore. I don't want to sound stupid but how do I go about talking to him? Without going into the past too much, he's emotionally and mentally abusive when he wants to be. He manipulates situations so it feels like everything is my fault, nothing is ever his fault and he's never sorry. Please offer advice. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 8, 2021 Share Posted August 8, 2021 Well, if you intend to stay in the marriage I would consider marriage counselling. If he will go, having a third party to facilitate the discussion would probably be very helpful. If he refuses to attend marriage counselling or you believe there to be no possibility for improvement - the only way I would talk to him would be through my lawyer when I file for divorce. I’m sorry, this must be a very sad and lonely place for you to be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tash0 Posted August 9, 2021 Author Share Posted August 9, 2021 Thank you for your advice but we are not married. I can't just leave, but I don't feel like this can be fixed. He's lied, quite a few times. I've kept so much in, I feel a little lost honestly. How do I approach him? How do I start this conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2021 Share Posted August 9, 2021 (edited) Why do you say that you can’t leave this relationship? The children? Is it for financial reasons? Of course leaving is very difficult and it’s easy to say “just leave.” Please know, I did not make that statement casually. That said, you do not have to stay in a relationship that makes you this unhappy. Of course, there is the fact that he is not a good partner for you - he does not help with the home or the children, he is otherwise engaged in his video games, and the intimacy has gone out of the relationship. The thing that made me say that you should consider divorce if you do not believe he will change is the fact that you say he is mentally and emotionally abusive. How do you even go about having a productive conversation with someone who blame shifts and will never admit wrongdoing/the need to change? I mean, you could do the obvious and find a time when he is receptive to discussion and tell him how it feels when he is preoccupied with his video games and how you wish he would engage with you and your family instead. You could tell him that you miss the intimacy that I’m assuming you once shared and it bothers you now when he chooses porn over a sexual relationship with you. You could tell him what you want from your partner, the father of your children, the leader of your family… but, if his method of operation is to shift the blame to you, dismiss your feelings, and continue on his own path regardless of the consequence - I don’t know that you will have much success. Have you ever been to marriage counselling? Do you have the ability to do counselling and do you think he would agree? If not marriage counselling, perhaps you could do some individual counselling - someone who could help you to figure out how to deal with this man and this situation. Edited August 9, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tash0 Posted August 10, 2021 Author Share Posted August 10, 2021 Thank you very much for your advice and insight. I definitely have a lot to think about and work out Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 On 8/8/2021 at 1:25 PM, Tash0 said: Where to start...well been together almost 30 years, 2 kids, house, etc. It feels as though we've lost the spark/connection. It's as if he is my 3rd child, not my partner. Haven't had sex or any physical contact in years, I would say. Came home to him jerking off to some videos. (Kids did not see it thankfully) The latest issue is my daughter borrowed his phone and there were tabs opened with porn, live sex videos, someones chat page with a woman doing things while people typed on the side encouraging her to do sexual things. My daughter is 9 but she came to me and told me, she didn't want to go see him because she was afraid. He was on vacation almost a month and did not lift a finger around the house or partake in family activities and outings. He sits on the computer all day and night playing video games and God knows what else when I go out. I know I'm fed up, feeling lonely and just can't do this anymore. I don't want to sound stupid but how do I go about talking to him? Without going into the past too much, he's emotionally and mentally abusive when he wants to be. He manipulates situations so it feels like everything is my fault, nothing is ever his fault and he's never sorry. Please offer advice. Thank you. If he's mentally and emotionally abusive, make up your mind and leave. You don't discuss and negotiate with an abusive person. You leave. Talk to a lawyer, obtain legal counsel and start creating a plan for yourself on how to exit this relationship. The porn, lies, live sex videos, distractions and disrespect and loneliness are all byproducts of a toxic, unhealthy, abusive relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 On 8/8/2021 at 10:27 PM, Tash0 said: Thank you for your advice but we are not married. I can't just leave, but I don't feel like this can be fixed. He's lied, quite a few times. I've kept so much in, I feel a little lost honestly. How do I approach him? How do I start this conversation? Start with what the 9 year old found on the phone. At minimum talk about phone safety so she never accidently sees stuff like this again. From there ask how he feels about the relationship. Is he happy? Ask if he's fulfilled. Ask why he uses porn. Ask what he wants. You listen more than you talk / complain. But you will also need a plan & money if you decide to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 (edited) On 8/8/2021 at 10:27 PM, Tash0 said: How do I approach him? How do I start this conversation? Actions. No more in-one-ear-out-the-other pointless "conversations". Stop mothering him. Stop doing his chores, errands, shopping , cooking or laundry. That reduces your resentment and gets him off his butt if he wants to eat, wear clean clothes, etc. Get out of the house much more doing things you enjoy with friends, family, kids, take classes, volunteer, join groups and clubs, leave him with the kids, etc. They have frozen dinners. The washer has instructions. He knows the way to the market and take out places. Stop babying and infantilizing. Since you can't (don't want to) leave, you'll have to change rather than talking at him over and over and over. You need to be a drill sergeant, not a mother to peter pan. The more you play supermom to your kids and your partner the more disrespect you'll condone and the more you'll resent it. You're the only person who you can change and you're the only one who wants change . He's just coasting along complacently allowing you to mother him. Stop. Edited August 10, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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