Is it men in general or just my man?

[L0str3ality]

I find myself back at the crossroads that I’ve repeatedly found myself staring at throughout my relationship.

Like many, my relationship didn’t start in the simplest of ways and we’ve fought hard to get where we are now.

But on reflection is it just me that’s fought and he’s stuck along for the ride? 

 All difficult hurdles that relationships face have been thrown at us but we always pick ourselves us but again are we still standing because of my efforts alone?

Whenever big changes or decisions need to take place they’ll only happen because I go on and on and on to the point that I drive myself insane. 

 Is it too hard to ask for a partner who wants to fight for those things with me?

A house, marriage and a family. The 3 things I’ve always wanted more than anything. But so far they always seem to be out of reach. 

House: We currently live in his house which he had with his previous partner. Through all of our conversations (when I bring the subject up) he is on board with the idea of moving. But NEVER do the words lead to action….it’s always me. He’s comfortable and has no urgency because he’s secure and it’s his. I want something that’s ours. 

Marriage & Kids: This is the difficult one. He never saw himself having either of these. Through earlier conversations he explained that his previous partner just wasn’t the right person and felt that it was different with me. So I gave him time. Then a cycle occurred from him wanting to not wanting them and I was left lost, confused and out the loop. 
Conversations would get heated and emotional and would end with reassurance that they would both come - to which we’re still no closer years later. 

He’s just Mr 1 day at a time and never ever looks past that. So it’s easy for him to coast through each day without planning or even thinking about our future.

As more and more time, years go by, I’m just becoming increasingly more agitated, confused and I get days like today where I get so low; I’m just totally lost because I care about him so much.
I know he cares about me, he just doesn’t know how to show it and that’s what’s frustrating. 

So through that ramble I suppose my questions are….

• Is it wrong of me to want him to actively work towards our future with me?
• Am I over reacting? 
• Is it just men in general?! 

[Happy Lemming]

17 minutes ago, L0str3ality said:

A house, marriage and a family. The 3 things I’ve always wanted more than anything.

Actions speak louder than words...

It is clear your partner does NOT want these 3 things.

It appears he likes his life at the status quo and doesn't wish to make any of these changes.

Not every man wants to be married, have children and own real estate.

I'm 56 (male)...  never been married, never wanted children.  Some men want a wife and kids, some don't.  I don't!

As far as owning real estate, I will differ with him on that one as I've flipped many houses and it has been quite profitable.  But again, some people want to own a home while others are content renting.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, L0str3ality said:

So through that ramble I suppose my questions are….

• Is it wrong of me to want him to actively work towards our future with me?

Yes, it's absolutely wrong of you to think you can make him "work towards" something that he has been clear with you that he DOES NOT want.  You are kidding yourself and wasting your time if you think you can make him do something that he's not interested in.  He doesn't want kids.  There is no compromising on that.  Either a person wants kids, or they don't.  If he has shown that he's not interested in that. then accept it.  Either stay with him and accept that you won't have kids, or end the relationship and find someone else who wants the same things you want.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, L0str3ality said:

We currently live in his house which he had with his previous partner. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating and how long have you lived together?

Unfortunately it sounds like he was,is and always will be happy just having a live-in GF

There's nothing for him to "fight for", since it's exactly how he wants it to be. No marriage, no co-owning a house and no family.

All you can do is move out of his house, stop being his tenant and paying down his mortgage and end the relationship so you can find someone who wants the same things as you do.

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, L0str3ality said:

....So through that ramble I suppose my questions are….

• Is it wrong of me to want him to actively work towards our future with me?
• Am I over reacting? 
• Is it just men in general?! 

That's easy, the answers are No, No and No.

Also nothing wrong with not wanting what you want or having the same sense of urgency/time table as you have even if he wants it.   The things you describe are major life areas/choices.   There is no wrong or right, just a lot of potential for incompatibility.   

There are men who want all these things you want, and quickly.

On selling the houses and getting a new one, that is pretty major...and most reasonable people will balk at that, and not enter into it quickly or lightly, or for purely emotional reasons (like and ex shared it with him).  Yes it is his house, and the relationship does not seem rock solid so any rational person would not jump to sell a house where all the equity is his and then use the money to buy another where half the equity would be yours (unless you are putting up half the money).  Selling then buying a house also involves a lot of costs and fees, there are ways to lower them but if you use a broker on each end...lots ad lots of equity goes into their pockets...so gain a decision that should not be made lightly or quickly.  Let alone the prep-work and staging and then inspection and repair on the other end.  A lot of sunk costs in time, only tens of hours if you are lucky. 

I personally find those things to be huge barriers and costs, and have only done it a couple times, so know what to do but hate it.  You may have bought and sold several houses and have it down to a well oiled process, not true for most.

[Weezy1973]

20 hours ago, L0str3ality said:

 

• Is it wrong of me to want him to actively work towards our future with me?
• Am I over reacting? 
• Is it just men in general?! 

1. It’s always wrong to want someone to do the thing YOU want them to do, instead of the thing they’re doing. 
 

2. No. You’re not doing anything about it whatsoever. You want a house. Start saving and building your down payment. You want to get married, propose. You want kids, tell him you’re going to stop taking birth control with the hopes of having kids. 
 

3. No, but no man is designed for you perfectly either. If you want a guy that plans a future with you together you can dump this guy and find one, but keep in mind that man will likely lack in other areas.

[Cookiesandough]

Sounds like you just have different desires/priorities. Incompatible 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

It's him. Not all men are like this. You only have to pack your bags and say goodbye. The good part is that neither of you have to buy each other out or sell in order to move to a new home. You have virtually no ties to this person. Move on.

[BaileyB]

My partner was previously married and divorced. We deliberately delayed moving in together because he has a son and we didn’t want to rush anything. But after two+ years, he was the one to ask me to move in. That was always the plan, I would move into his home so as not to uproot his sone from his home and school. And then, when we were ready… we would purchase a home together. 

He asked me to move in, and I was really stressed about it. This meant I would have to sell my home that I loved and take all the risk (financially) if it didn’t work out (not that I thought it wouldn’t work out). I talked with him and told him that after a great deal of contemplation and stress, I wasn’t ready to make that decision for the following… reasons. THE VERY NEXT DAY, he texted to say that he had explored schools in the area we where we wanted to build and they would provide transportation so that his son wouldn’t have to change schools - we could put an offer in and build our forever home. Which we did, I sold my home, lived with him while our home was built and we moved in earlier this year. 

My point being, if he wanted to buy a home with you, marry you, and have children with you - he would do that. The fact that he hasn’t in all this time is your answer. Not all men are like this. 

 

Edited August 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Els]

How old are both of you?

My general answer to your questions is that you're not wrong for wanting what you want, but neither is he. You can't expect people to want the same things that you do by default, it has to be something that you talk about and agree on (or otherwise decide it's not working). If he literally told you he never saw himself wanting marriage or wanting children, I don't understand why you expect he will change his mind?

More importantly, how exactly do you think things will end up for you even if you "succeed" in cornering him into doing what you want? 

[Caauug]

On 8/9/2021 at 8:19 AM, L0str3ality said:

A house, marriage and a family. The 3 things I’ve always wanted more than anything. But so far they always seem to be out of reach. 

Very common and fair requests. (with the right person)

On 8/9/2021 at 8:19 AM, L0str3ality said:

House: We currently live in his house which he had with his previous partner. Through all of our conversations (when I bring the subject up) he is on board with the idea of moving. But NEVER do the words lead to action….it’s always me. He’s comfortable and has no urgency because he’s secure and it’s his. I want something that’s ours. 

Depends on your local laws, the % of the home owned by your BF and his view of the stability of the R. If he owns a large % of his home in some cases it would be foolish to sell up and buy another house to make it "Ours". He has likely had to fight to keep his home when his previous partner left, why would he then throw that away, selling it and put it into a marital "Our" house? Your other two wants are marriage and children, this would just about guarantee the total loss he has worked for in his home he has now, when you decide you no longer want him. If by chance you are also putting in equal or greater equity, and no children were involved he might get some money back when the R fails. (That's not the case, you want children, and likely SAHM)

He wants to keep what he has had to fight to keep. He likely views it as an accomplishment. You want him to give it to you because you want a (different) house, marriage and family? I can see why he would be dragging his feet... 60% chance the M will end in D, 70% chance the female will insinuate the D, 70-90% child custody goes to the mother, and D rape is very common when children are involved. Look at those numbers again and figure out the odds of him seeing any money out of the house he has now....  His "accomplishment" would be gone to you and lawyers fees. 

On 8/9/2021 at 8:19 AM, L0str3ality said:

• Is it wrong of me to want him to actively work towards our future with me?
• Am I over reacting? 
• Is it just men in general?! 

-Yes: When there is a large imbalance in input equity. Family law stacked against any recovery of equity he has accomplished so far in the event of a M failure with children involved. See Below....

-No: Just try to see his side. Move on if you don't agree he is acting in his best interest.

-No: But as more men are being burned in R break ups, more men are becoming "Gun Shy" when it comes to Family Law and division of assets in R failures. It's the way it is...

 

Pick another man that has nothing to loose.... Find a partner that will work with you to build your dreams together as one....

 

Note: This comment is not an attack on anyone person or gender. This is only pointing out how family law most often treats communal (marital) property in D or separation settlements. It's not my fault, I didn't make the rules, I'm only stating facts.

[d0nnivain]

The writing has always been on the wall.  He does not want to move or get married & have kids.  You keep sticking around hoping that the length of time you are together will cause him to give you what you want.  He won't because he has everything he wants now.   He's thinking eventually she'll stop bugging me about this & just be happy living together in my house.  

[spiderowl]

On 8/9/2021 at 1:19 AM, L0str3ality said:

I find myself back at the crossroads that I’ve repeatedly found myself staring at throughout my relationship.

Like many, my relationship didn’t start in the simplest of ways and we’ve fought hard to get where we are now.

But on reflection is it just me that’s fought and he’s stuck along for the ride? 

 All difficult hurdles that relationships face have been thrown at us but we always pick ourselves us but again are we still standing because of my efforts alone?

Whenever big changes or decisions need to take place they’ll only happen because I go on and on and on to the point that I drive myself insane. 

 Is it too hard to ask for a partner who wants to fight for those things with me?

A house, marriage and a family. The 3 things I’ve always wanted more than anything. But so far they always seem to be out of reach. 

House: We currently live in his house which he had with his previous partner. Through all of our conversations (when I bring the subject up) he is on board with the idea of moving. But NEVER do the words lead to action….it’s always me. He’s comfortable and has no urgency because he’s secure and it’s his. I want something that’s ours. 

Marriage & Kids: This is the difficult one. He never saw himself having either of these. Through earlier conversations he explained that his previous partner just wasn’t the right person and felt that it was different with me. So I gave him time. Then a cycle occurred from him wanting to not wanting them and I was left lost, confused and out the loop. 
Conversations would get heated and emotional and would end with reassurance that they would both come - to which we’re still no closer years later. 

He’s just Mr 1 day at a time and never ever looks past that. So it’s easy for him to coast through each day without planning or even thinking about our future.

As more and more time, years go by, I’m just becoming increasingly more agitated, confused and I get days like today where I get so low; I’m just totally lost because I care about him so much.
I know he cares about me, he just doesn’t know how to show it and that’s what’s frustrating. 

So through that ramble I suppose my questions are….

• Is it wrong of me to want him to actively work towards our future with me?
• Am I over reacting? 
• Is it just men in general?! 

No, what you want is not wrong.  He is just not going your way.  He is happy as he is and has no incentive to change.

You are not overreacting but you are wasting your time with him.

Some men, yes, but not all and anyone who wanted a future life with you would be making an effort to please you.

Your feelings matter too, they do.  I know you have invested years in this guy but it is a waste of time.  He is not going to change anything for you without you pushing him to the point where it takes all the joy out of it.  For your own sake, ditch him, take care of yourself, and look forward to a better future with someone who loves you and is motivated to build a future with you.