Should I have given my long distance ex-boyfriend a chance?

[moonlight_sonata]

Apologies in advance for the long post.

I am 21 and he is 20, for context.

My ex-boyfriend and I had been in a strictly online long distance relationship (as we lived in different continents) for about 5 months. We had a few ups and downs, like any relationship, and things were okay until about a month ago. I began to have hormonal issues, that I'd prefer not to delve into too much, which make me feel extremely sensitive emotionally, lots of crying/getting angry easily and the sort.

Around that time, he told me that his college had announced his exam dates, and he became increasingly tense and stressed out because of them. He began to get distant, and mentioned that we shouldn't speak to each other until his exams ended. This distance lasted for about a week, and led up to a huge fight, which ended up in me blocking him. The main reason I did so was because the last message he sent was a "list of demands" (that he later deleted), that I should not be a "b****" as he said, and suggested that I should take care of myself so I could send him pictures and nudes. As someone with extreme self-esteem and body image issues, this really, REALLY hurt me and made me feel absolutely miserable. I figured the relationship was over and that he was just messing with me, so I told him to f*** off, blocked him everywhere, and spent the rest of the night feeling insecure and crying. A few hours later, he messaged me on an alt phone number, apologizing for his behavior, that he wasn't serious, didn't mean what he said in the message and that he wouldn't do it again.

I stupidly accepted his apologies, I guess because I loved him and felt like I couldn't be without him, and we started talking again. After a bit, everything was relatively back to normal and although I was still hurt by what he had said, we got back together. Not even a day later, he said he had something to tell me, that it was bad and that I had to promise I wouldn't leave. I made no promises, and he told me that right after I had blocked him everywhere, he sexted with another older girl for money and blamed it on financial instability and stress and even said he forgot to tell me until then. He also said he didn't know what he was doing when he did it, he wasn't in his senses, and that he wasn't aware of the consequences it would have on the relationship.
I called bullshit, because he just conveniently forgot, especially when we had called on Discord hours before he told me and I almost cried during it because of how sensitive I felt. (keep in mind that these Discord calls were one of the most intimate non-sexual aspects of our relationship, hence their importance). I had never done this before because I didn't want him to hear me cry, but at that point everything just clicked. He'd been hiding it from me ever since the last fight, I thought I'd never see him again yet I kept coming back for god knows why, and he talked to me normally during the call as if nothing happened. I told him he knew I had felt overly sensitive for so long and he still did something that disgusting, and STILL spoke to me.

Even though we both thought the relationship was over, I consider this to be cheating because he messaged me on an alt number, so he obviously wanted to get back together. I told him that it doesn't matter how stressed he is or how much he's struggling financially, that s*** is inexcusable. I called him out on his bullshit, narcissism/egomania and selfishness, and told him his disgusting decision and behavior ruined our relationship. I never cheated on him, I wouldn't even think of doing something like that no matter how desperate I could be because I loved him.

Later on, he sent me messages promising he'd change, that there wouldn't be any more fights and after realizing all he's done wrong, he'd try to be a better person and get therapy. He even made a post on a similar infidelity forum, saying he did it thinking it would get him out of a large debt, that he felt guilty and disgusted with what he did, and begged me for forgiveness and to give him a chance. However, I believe cheating is absolutely unjustifiable and I just... don't love him anymore after this, I feel nothing for him actually. His decision made me lose all feelings of love towards him, I can't love someone who betrayed my trust and used me. No amount of apologies or "change" will ever make me forgive or forget what he's done, and though he suggested me to read old messages to remember what we had, it saddens me because we could have had so much more, since during these 5 months I slowly opened up to him despite my self-esteem and vulnerability, and was ready to give him my whole heart.

With this being said, I believe I shouldn't have unblocked him at all, but during the relationship I was so unbelievably attached to him that I just couldn't let go. Even after this happened I still felt attached to him for some reason even though I don't love him anymore, though maybe I loved the idea of who he was and what the relationship was before this happened, likely due to my habit of romanticizing the past. I don't even know why I was still on speaking terms with him until 2 nights ago, part of me believes I should have left long ago, but another part of me wanted us to be together and happy again. Nevertheless, I can't forget he did something I thought only we would do, with someone else, for money. It made me wonder why it was so easy for him to be intimate with another person immediately after we broke up, for something as temporary as money. He also blamed his narcissistic personality on bad things that happened in his life, such as his upbringing and relationship with his parents, and mentioned in his forum post that he "grew up with no love in him or around him", and that he's "f***ed up mentally".

This whole thing, plus the emotional sensitivity I've felt for the past month has led to me becoming increasingly depressed and having self-destructive thoughts that I have fortunately not acted upon. Although I would have liked to be in a relationship with him and still cared for him deeply for some reason, I just can't bear the thought of him doing something like that with someone else, and how much he's hurt me before. I was torn between giving him another chance and seeing if he had actually changed, being only friends with him or cutting off communication between us altogether. I decided to cut him off and ignore all his future messages. So, all things considered, should I have given him a chance?

No harsh comments, please. Any help and advice is greatly appreciated, however. ^^

[stillafool]

This is the wrong forum to ask for non harsh comments but fortunately I have none.  You know what you want and don't want from a boyfriend and this one stepped over your boundary line so you ended it.  Good for you.  I hope your next boyfriend is someone who isn't long distance but nearby so you can see him in person.  Good luck.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, moonlight_sonata said:

I was torn between giving him another chance and seeing if he had actually changed, being only friends with him or cutting off communication between us altogether. I decided to cut him off and ignore all his future messages. So, all things considered, should I have given him a chance?

No. You did the right thing by ending this relationship. I would not even suggest that this would be a healthy friendship for you. He has said and done some very hurtful things - as was said above, good for you for finding the strength to walk away.

To be very honest, you both have issues that you are dealing with and you both need to do some individual work before you are ready to have a healthy relationship with another person. 

I have little doubt that you will be much happier without this person and this kind of drama in your life. 

Edited August 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

No

[glows]

He dislikes and hates himself due to his debt and grades or other personal issues. 

It sounds more like you want to fix him and pity him or feel sorry that he is broken. Have you explored this or asked yourself why you feel drawn or triggered into action/attraction with someone like him? 

Where do you see yourself in your own life? I think if you have a good idea of where you're going or where you're headed, things will be a bit clearer for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, moonlight_sonata said:

I was torn between giving him another chance and seeing if he had actually changed, being only friends with him or cutting off communication between us altogethe

You made the right choice cutting him off altogether. 

It is not smart to give chances to people like this, especially considering you two have never met. It is not worth the anguish. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he seems like a dangerous troll or catfish hiding behind a screen.

He made you feel bad. Talk to trusted adults and friends and family about internet safety. 

Step away from the screen. Get more involved in your real life, local life and with real people.

Do you work or go to school? Stay busy with that. Also broaden your real life social circles.

Get involved in interests, sports, groups clubs and volunteering so you can make friends and start talking to and going out with local real-life real men, who you can get to know in person.

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Fox Sake]

16 hours ago, moonlight_sonata said:

, I believe cheating is absolutely unjustifiable and I just... don't love him anymore after this, I feel nothing for him actually. His decision made me lose all feelings of love towards him, I can't love someone who betrayed my trust and used me.

All things considered you already gave him a chance. You have your answer right there. 
You don’t love him or trust him. What is a relationship without both of those things? It was on him to remain honourable and loyal , but guys at that age can find that challenging. (Most of them but not all)  
 

Understandably you’re hurting and wondering if you made the right decision, which you definitely did as no one I know can get things back to normal after that sort of situation- Someone will always harbour some resentment especially if it was unfair. It’s just going to take a little time for you to see that

keep your chin up, look out for the lessons that the break up has to teach you, and remember that every failure in life brings you closer to success. That goes for relationships too! 
In 6 months time I’m certain your mindset will be very much different and stronger 

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

All things considered you already gave him a chance. You have your answer right there. 
You don’t love him or trust him. What is a relationship without both of those things?

I agree. Put this firmly behind you and move on. 

[d0nnivain]

You did the right thing by ending this.  Anybody who you have never met who wants nudes is to be avoided at all costs. 

I am afraid what I'm about to say will be taken by you as harsh.  It's not meant to be but several things in your post scared me for you. 

1.  You say you love him.  But this is an OLR only.  Honey, you have never MET him IRL.  You can't possibly love him.  Love takes time & in-person interaction.  Without that in person component you may have lust, you may have desire, but you don't have love.  You don't even know each other.  He could be vastly different in person than OL.  

For your own safety & sanity going forward refrain from believing you are in love with strangers on the internet.  Save love for something after you meet in person.  

 

2.  Your waffling nature.  He is asking for nudes.  He's giving demands.  He's being mean.  Why are you doubting yourself here?   Please work on your self esteem 

 

3.  Your communication.  When you saw your BF getting stressed over his exams & asking for time to study, you didn't seem to readily give it to him.  That was no cool on your part.  School has to come 1st, especially around exams.  You needed to be more supportive.  Turns out he added to the problem by calling you names but had you been kinder this may have gone differently.  In the long run, you dodged a bullet with this guy. But I really don't understand why you couldn't give him time & space to study.  You call him egotistical & cried BS but why all the drama on your end when he told you he wanted to hit the books.  This is the rest of his life we're talking about but you couldn't give him 2 weeks. How is that fair?  

Similarly when you got upset you picked block.  Blocking is a great option when something is truly over but if this was over you would not have talked to him when a # you didn't recognize called.  You were just game playing & being dramatic.  You need to exercise more diplomacy in your interactions with others.  It will cut down on the drama & not upset you when you are feeling overly sensitive.  Learning to think rationally especially when you are feeling emotional will help.  

 

In the end you learned he sexted with another girl which you feel was cheating so just be done.  Own your decision because it was a good one & move forward with your life.  Try dating conventionally locally.