Good signs of a possible reconciliation with an ex?

[hannabolics95]

He told me he still likes/misses me. We agreed that if we ever talk about relationship again, it's once we've moved on. I've stopped contact. For the first time since the break up since we unfollowed each other, he has been looking at my stories. I realise most of this is bluff. But what are the signs, if there is any? Besides saying they want to get back together?

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Just delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That way you don't have to worry about all the mixed messages.

Are either of you dating others at this point?

Edited August 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

3 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

He told me he still likes/misses me. We agreed that if we ever talk about relationship again, it's once we've moved on. I've stopped contact. For the first time since the break up since we unfollowed each other, he has been looking at my stories. I realise most of this is bluff. But what are the signs, if there is any? Besides saying they want to get back together?

Don’t rely on signs. If he wants to reconcile with you and he broke up with you he can approach you and speak his mind. Both of you should be discussing the past and not making the same mistakes again. Successful reconciliations are rare so be realistic about your expectations. Couples usually fall into the same patterns as before but have to contend with the break up in between and lack of trust.

From the sounds of things he is only hovering and nosy. He’s not interested in reconciliation. It’s normal for exes to miss each other soon after a break up but be wary that he may be at a low point/rejected by other women, only reminiscent in general or not at all interested in rekindling anything with you in the long term. Does he have a history of cycling back or contacting you? 

Edited August 10, 2021 by glows

[hannabolics95]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t rely on signs. If he wants to reconcile with you and he broke up with you he can approach you and speak his mind. Both of you should be discussing the past and not making the same mistakes again. Successful reconciliations are rare so be realistic about your expectations. Couples usually fall into the same patterns as before but have to contend with the break up in between and lack of trust.

From the sounds of things he is only hovering and nosy. He’s not interested in reconciliation. It’s normal for exes to miss each other soon after a break up but be wary that he may be at a low point/rejected by other women, only reminiscent in general or not at all interested in rekindling anything with you in the long term. Does he have a history of cycling back or contacting you? 

Thank you! Cycling back in terms of his decision? Sort of hard to answer that. I broke up with him first (unsuccessfully) and we stayed together, a few months later and then he broke up with me for once and for all. After that, I stupidly contacted him afterwards and we've been in contact ever since. I did have a few months of not talking to him, but I would reach out and he would respond. 

[hannabolics95]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Just delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That way you don't have to worry about all the mixed messages.

Are either of you dating others at this point?

About a year. I actually don't know why the reasons and he says they would never give me any satisfaction anyway, very confusing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said:

I actually don't know why the reasons and he says they would never give me any satisfaction anyway

He didn't tell you why he broke up with you?

That is fishy, OP. I am sure you realize this. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, hannabolics95 said:

Thank you! Cycling back in terms of his decision? Sort of hard to answer that. I broke up with him first (unsuccessfully) and we stayed together, a few months later and then he broke up with me for once and for all. After that, I stupidly contacted him afterwards and we've been in contact ever since. I did have a few months of not talking to him, but I would reach out and he would respond. 

Off/on is a negative. Someone was willing to lose you in order to regain some normalcy and vice versa (so were you). The option to leave each other has been at the forefront for a long time and the same patterns keep repeating itself. If you're not together, you're off each other but wondering what the other is doing hence staying in contact which is not a good idea with any ex you're not over. If you're not off of each other, you're together but unhappily so. The cycle keeps continuing with the same, repetitive results. 

Do you stay in contact because you don't believe you deserve any better? This is a serious question and worth pondering. His presence creates instability and self-doubt in your life. Do you see this working for you long term?

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

I broke up with him first (unsuccessfully) and we stayed together, a few months later and then he broke up with me for once and for all.

 

2 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

About a year. I actually don't know why the reasons and he says they would never give me any satisfaction anyway, very confusing. 

You have to know why you broke up with him.  If you don't even know that then I am confused too.  

As for why he broke up with you, if he can't articulate a reason then how are you supposed to move forward even if you do get back together?  How can you trust he won't up & disappear for no reason again?  

Going backwards in life is rarely a good idea.  You need to carefully examine why you initially tried to break up with him; why you didn't stand your ground & instead stuck around for a few more months; what it means that he never told you why he ended things.   Until you do that there is no point in trying to get back together.  You will only be right where you left off:  in a relationship that wasn't working.  

[hannabolics95]

Ex and I broke up about 8 months ago. Since the break up, he has offered to catch up a few times to clear the air/talk about things but I have declined. He still is happy to catch up and talk occasionally. We've sort of stayed in contact ever since with a few months of not talking. We've had probably 3 or 4 phone calls since the break up, all about an hour long. When I stopped talking to him for a few months, I eventually caved in and messaged him. He had told me that things had been very difficult on his end but he felt breaking up was the most appropriate thing. He told me he still likes/misses me all the time. That he questions his decision all the time. Hard thing is that when we are in contact, I get very sad/borderline angry about things and sort of fire of pretty nasty texts which I have promised to stop as he told me to. But it's confusing because at one point he almost seemed annoyed that I didn't talk to him for months. One night on the phone I was upset about things and he was like "We didn't speak for months until you then messaged me out of the blue!", we both do this thing where we say we won't talk to each other again. One night he kept calling me a few times which I didn't answer, and then he fired something off like "I won't talk to you again as per your wishes"

My last upset message I sent, I then called him afterwards and we spoke again for about an hour. He seemed really annoyed and said "Move on!" I think more in reference to some issues that happened that I'm still hurt about. Then he was like "I should have blocked you a long time ago" Claimed he didn't remember saying a particular insult to me which was that he wanted someone really driven, as I told him I landed a new research position. I asked if he wanted me to stop talking to him and he just said to stop hassling him. We came to the agreement that if we ever do talk about our relationship again or revisit it, it's once we've moved on from the hurt. We texted a bit afterwards and I told him that I do often think about coming to visit him if he moves somewhere for his job next year, and he was quite warm in response and said we can talk about that another day. He didn't apologise but sort of said he was just frustrated at how long these upset/angry messages have been going on for. For the first time since the break up (unless I haven't looked hard enough) he looked at my Instagram stories and we have unfollowed each other so he obviously had to search for me and probably does still look. He also claims he hasn't misrepresented himself and that he's been clear about how he feels but I feel like he has been sending mixed signals. However, only a few weeks before this we spoke on the phone and he was a lot more accomodating and kept saying that he's probably a big idiot for the decision he chose. I told him that I don't think we should stay in contact and that I'm sorry for the upset messages. He said again, that he's happy to catch up and talk occasionally but he thinks it's probably the right thing. That he misses me all the time but it was 'definitely' the right decision to break up. It's confusing, to me at least - he sways from being not that confident with his decision, to thinking that it was the most appropriate thing at that *given* time to being harsher of saying it was definitely the right decision. Unsure if it's because I've been pestering him and was pestering him not that long ago when he was away with his family. I know that feelings do change. Advice?

Edited August 13, 2021 by hannabolics95

[Wiseman2]

Have you read the book 📚:

"I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD?

It may help you understand your mixed feelings and self undermining behaviors.

Of course you already know you need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[hannabolics95]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you read the book 📚:

"I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD?

It may help you understand your mixed feelings and self undermining behaviors.

Of course you already know you need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Thank you, no I haven't. To understand my mixed feelings or his? Also, I really think blocking is an emotional move. He doesn't bother me that much. I would say blocking is a nuclear option and would only be done if I'm that fixated/he has been abusive. This is just my opinion. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said:

 I would say blocking is a nuclear option 

I would say deleting and blocking him indicates boundaries and self respect.

When someone dumps you, don't chase after them.

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

. He had told me that things had been very difficult on his end but he felt breaking up was the most appropriate thing. He told me he still likes/misses me all the time.

he wanted someone really driven, 

Blocking is not a nuclear option.  It's a sane rational way of enforcing a boundary.  When you break up with somebody you need to stay apart.  8 months later for you two to still be in contact is a problem.  You are broken up.  You are not friends.  You are each somebody the other used to know.  There is no reason to stay connected.  Sure be polite if you bump into each other but that's it. 

He broke up with you for what he felt were valid reasons.  Apparently they aren't about him falling out of love or not liking you but somehow he concluded that you were not good for him.  Since he mentioned wanting somebody "really driven" he may not think you have the same goals or want the same things out of life.  So he made a rational choice to end things.  It reminds me of somebody who would break up with an addict or a criminal.  The dumper may very well care for the addict / criminal but they know deep down it's not sustainable.  

Congratulations on your new job.  Put your energies into that.  Let him go & stop communicating with him.  This aspect of your life is over.  Leave it be.  

[AnnK]

On 8/13/2021 at 4:33 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Have you read the book 📚:

"I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD?

It may help you understand your mixed feelings and self undermining behaviors.

Of course you already know you need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

I have never heard of it.  It is  more or less like locking the  barn after  the horse is stolen in MY  case,  but it sounds interesting nonetheless....