Wife messaging ex on Instagram

[Greenman13]

About 3 months ago my wife left her phone at home and I thought I would check her Facebook messages as I just felt she was acting slightly differently. I have never done this before in the 16 years we have been together. I found some flirtyish messages to some guy who I didn’t know anything about from back in the day. It wasn’t super flirty but she was wishing him a happy Valentine’s Day with a heart and a kiss etc that I thought was disrespectful to me. She said there was nothing in and and they were just old friends so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She must have logged into her Instagram account on my work laptop and not logged out so I thought I would check the private messages in there and the were lots to her ex boyfriend and first love which escalated with her saying she loves him and thinks they will be together some day even if it is 20 years time. She also asks him to meet for a drink and even go for a run with her in the morning but he doesn’t take the bait as he is in a relationship with kids and I guess he doesn’t want to risk that. We also have two kids and the last thing I want to do is hurt them but at the moment I don’t think I can stay in this marriage any more with someone I can’t trust. She says she was drunk and it didn’t mean anything and she loves me and will do anything to make it right etc but I am really upset about all this. Ever since we have had kids she is never affectionate to me and yet it kills me to see her talking like that to someone else. Should I ask for a divorce? The way I see her has completely changed. I always thought we were a team and now cannot believe anything she says...

[heartwhole2]

Basically staying together in a healthy manner and splitting up in a healthy manner begin the same way, so it's OK if you don't know exactly what you what long-term yet. You continue doing what you are doing . . . you look at her actions, not her words. You don't accept deceitful or hurtful behavior from her. You don't trust someone who has lost your trust.

And then what comes after that depends on what you want going forward and whether she can make the necessary changes to be a safe partner who makes marriage worthwhile. I have kids, and I personally wanted to see if we could get to a healthy and mutually fulfilling place before giving up. But your tolerance may be different than mine, in which case your concerns are going to be your kids and figuring out the legal stuff. And of course, if you ask for a divorce and begin proceedings, you can always change course if you change your mind.

But certainly the one thing you don't want to do is sweep this under the rug and just hope things will change.

[glows]

It could go either way. Whether you feel this is over is up to you and only you. Some may feel marriage counselling may help or at least it’s a stone not left unturned. Others pass on the counselling and have reached the point of no return. Your marriage may have been on its last legs or discovering her deceit from an early stage in your marriage might mean little for you to salvage or believe in. 

After you confronted her or told her what you knew, has she made any changes or have either of you tried to express in some way renewed commitment to the marriage? 

 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Greenman13 said:

. Ever since we have had kids she is never affectionate to me and yet it kills me to see her talking like that to someone else.

I'm not sure you're interested, but IMO this was a bad sign. I think some women unconsciously shut off the sex with their husband and it genuinely is "no big deal" to them. Sometimes the husband feels the same, often very much not. At any rate, even though they consciously feel sex is no big deal, attention from a new man or old flame will make (some of) them quite excited, strongly triggering their interest etc. And boom, they're off.

So IF you decide to stick around, or you end things and move on to a new woman, I'd suggest you ensure there's regular sex (barring health issues or other overwhelming situations). This is for the health of the relationship, not just your needs. Probably right now that's the last thing you're interested in, which is understandable.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this has happened to you, OP. That must have been a painful discovery. 

12 hours ago, Greenman13 said:

Ever since we have had kids she is never affectionate to me

This is how you know her messages to her ex didn't happen just because she was drunk. The booze might have given her the "courage" to say the things she wanted to say to him, but this is a woman who is quite emotionally-disconnected from you. Things have already been falling apart. The feelers she sent out  to her ex are a byproduct of her checking out of your marriage. It's not that she doesn't have sexual desire - she does, or she wouldn't be trying to bait her ex. But for some reason, it's fizzled out with regards to her feelings towards you. I am not saying this is your fault, to be abundantly clear - simply that her words ("I was just drunk! It was meaningless!") do not line up with the current reality of your marriage.

Whether that can be salvaged is totally your call. It would be understandable if you felt it couldn't. Telling her ex she could see herself with him in the future is your sad indication that she doesn't see you in her future. She needs to get very real with you, even if it's the most painful thing you'll ever hear. 

How had your marriage been going prior to all of this coming out? You say she isn't affectionate towards you since you've had kids, so how long is that? How long have you been together, and how old are you both? Do you still make time for each other for dates or other "couple" things, or has that fallen by the wayside? 

[d0nnivain]

How heart breaking for you @Greenman13

I would give MC a shot before divorce but she would also have to disconnect from the EX on all social media platforms & there would have to be a lot of transparency around her communications.  

[Uruktopi]

Besides well diagnosed medical obstacles, a sexless marriage is a loveless marriage.

A marriage with scarce affection is never worth living in. 

No relationship that was expected to be exclusive should last while and even since there are third ones interacting with what should be enthusiastically reserved to our SO´s.

Not at all even as "harmless" flirty socially tolerated orbiters.

To say the same in a more sparce way, the only kind of "love" that makes a couple relationship worth of it´s nature is to be in love. 

That also entails "family" love, commitment, care, loyalty. What it´s not reciprocally entailed the other way round.

People get and stay married for their own multiple reasons. Most of them wrong ones, IMO, if being in love is not one of them.

Best wishes.

[Bryanp]

Very sorry for you. If the roles were reversed, how do you think your wife would be responding?

[pepperbird2]

op,

I'll be blunt. Being cheated on sucks, and anyone who has been in that wonderful "club" can relate to how you feel.
The good news is you don't have to decide anything today. Take some time and really think about this. Gathering information from a lawyer etc. speaking with a counselor, talking with a trusted friend and venting on here can all be really helpful. Take a look at all the options open to you, think them through and then take a step back. There's a lot to consider.

One thing you need to ask yourself is whether or not you think you can move past this if you choose to stay married. Not every BS can, and there's absolutely no shame in that. IF you don't think you can, it may be time to walk away.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 8/10/2021 at 6:51 PM, Greenman13 said:

She says she was drunk and it didn’t mean anything and she loves me and will do anything to make it right etc

Drunk?  Pathetic excuse on her part.  Remember: talk is cheap. This will continue until you enforce boundaries with ACTIONS.  Don't put up with her bull crap. She is giving you loads of bull crap.  Sorry my comment at this time isn't more insightful.

[Dazedandconfused05]

On 8/10/2021 at 5:51 PM, Greenman13 said:

The way I see her has completely changed. I always thought we were a team and now cannot believe anything she says...

Your situation is similar to mine.  Maybe your wife has been more extreme but very similar.  I have had this feeling for the last 5-6 years that something is wrong.  I’ve found several instances of flirting online.  Some pretty over the top.  And I’ve asked her to stop over and over but she won’t.  So I’m filing for divorce I can’t handle the slow torture anymore.  My family on both sides can’t understand why I’m doing this.  If you decide to file you have a tough road ahead.  Nobody can understand why you are divorcing if she hasn’t slept with anyone.  Last thing I’ll say here is I’ve read divorces among 40-50-60 ages is on the rise the past 10 years.  And what else has grown exponentially in that period?  Social media.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Dazedandconfused05 said:

Your situation is similar to mine.  Maybe your wife has been more extreme but very similar.  I have had this feeling for the last 5-6 years that something is wrong.  I’ve found several instances of flirting online.  Some pretty over the top.  And I’ve asked her to stop over and over but she won’t.  So I’m filing for divorce I can’t handle the slow torture anymore.  My family on both sides can’t understand why I’m doing this.  If you decide to file you have a tough road ahead.  Nobody can understand why you are divorcing if she hasn’t slept with anyone.  Last thing I’ll say here is I’ve read divorces among 40-50-60 ages is on the rise the past 10 years.  And what else has grown exponentially in that period?  Social media.  

 

I strongly agree with most of your post.

I would´t, even so, blame social media but on being part of the logistics of it. 

A culture that puts fierce individuality to a grade in a range from narcisism to solipsism as hallmark of "maturity" haves something to do with it.  

Edited August 17, 2021 by Uruktopi

[usa1ah]

So she has given two other men the affection that should have given to you. Even since your children were born. What is there to save?

 

File for divorce. She was telling the truth when she said she wasn’t going to be staying with you. Better to start over now instead of 10 years from now. 

[HappilyMarried]

So sorry @Greenman13

A question about your post.

On 8/10/2021 at 6:51 PM, Greenman13 said:

I found some flirtyish messages to some guy who I didn’t know anything about from back in the day. It wasn’t super flirty but she was wishing him a happy Valentine’s Day with a heart and a kiss etc that I thought was disrespectful to me. She said there was nothing in and and they were just old friends so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

 

On 8/10/2021 at 6:51 PM, Greenman13 said:

I would check the private messages in there and the were lots to her ex boyfriend and first love which escalated with her saying she loves him and thinks they will be together some day even if it is 20 years time. She also asks him to meet for a drink and even go for a run with her in the morning

Are these two instances to the same person or was she flirting and sending inappropriate messages to two different guys? I was curious if it was to the same guy if she lied about the first one. I would try MC, but you know you wife and your relationship after 16 years better than any of us. Best of luck!

[Wiseman2]

On 8/10/2021 at 6:51 PM, Greenman13 said:

.She says she was drunk and it didn’t mean anything 

Unfortunately they all say that when caught red-handed.

Does she have a drinking problem?

Agree marriage counseling is a good idea. She seems to be checked out of the marriage.

This online flirting seems desperate.  Has she let herself go? Any reason she's living in the past?

How is your marriage overall? Would you say it's worth saving? 

 

 

[usa1ah]

What has she done to prove she wants to stay married to you?

[Uruktopi]

12 hours ago, usa1ah said:

What has she done to prove she wants to stay married to you?

As English is not my first language, I´m sorry for my translation of the above (correct me please if I´m wrong):

"What has she done to make you want to stay married to her?"

[usa1ah]

8 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

As English is not my first language, I´m sorry for my translation of the above (correct me please if I´m wrong):

"What has she done to make you want to stay married to her?"

What is she doing to prove she wants the marriage to work?

 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, usa1ah said:

What is she doing to prove she wants the marriage to work?

 

I can see your point. 

As the marriage should be conditional to the couple relationship, far over over to it´s familiar / religious / legal / formal aspects, my point is: What is she doing to make it even desirable to work on it? 

Is it worth the hard effort? 

Not at all an easy task and neither the default, given what happened.

Meaning....not the effort to make a marriage work (what MAY follow a happy and in love human couple as leading reason).

But to turn into a woman / man valuable relationship what was denied in it´s intrinsic nature by betrayal.

No institution haves own value with authonomy of it´s core.

So, she MAY be proving with no fault that SHE wants to stay and "work on it" and be far from enough.

She should give him some reason to want the same. 

 

 

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Just a Guy]

Hello Green man, it is Avery sad situation that you find yourself in! You have received a number of responses from folks on here, some of which seem spot on while others are more generic. The way I see your situation is that since you are half of the partnership in your marriage, you share fifty per cent of the responsibility for the state of your marriage as does your wife. You have been married for 16 years and you must have been in a relationship with her for at least a couple of years or more before that. That is a long time for the two of you to get to know each other in every way. For women emotions are the most important aspect of a relationship. So I guess if you have truly been immersed in your relationship, you would have been able to detect changes in your wife's emotional response toward you much earlier than this episode of her getting in touch with her ex. I think it is significant that you have noticed a cooling down of her affection towards you for some time now but have not acted upon it pro actively. What I mean is that after observing her waning interest in you, emotionally, you should have seen the red flag waving in the wind and initiated a dialogue with her. They say communication is a must in even open marriages for them to succeed and I guess in monogamous marriages it may be even more important. Since you and your wife are exclusive to each other this two way communication is very important. The fact that she is reaching out to her ex and maybe others, shows that communication between you two has withered. This may be the one single factor causing an emotional distance between you two. That void must ne driving your wife to seek emotional comfort else where. You know your situation best. If you have been ignoring your wife for quite a while you need to look inwards and find reasons which may have alienated your wife. There is a saying where I come from which says ' You need two hands to clap', meaning that two people are involved in a relationship and both have to pull their weight equally. Of course, you may say that you were fully involved and were hands on in your relationship and yet your wife let you down. If that be true then your marriage was probably built on a foundation of sand and not rock. Your wife may have 'Settled' for you while her heart was given to someone else. 

I guess I have given you enough food for thought. You are the only one in a position to take a call on the true nature of your relationship and whether it is worth saving by trying MC or IC for both of you or whether it is the moment to call time on it. You have a lot of introspection to do and you cannot take a snap decision on it. We folk on the internet are hardly the people who can tell you specifically whether you should divorce or not because we don't wear your shoes and we don't know exactly where they pinch! Warm regards.