Wife needing advice

[Jlee7981]

Ok, I'm needing some advice on something. My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Not long ago, I suggested he sleep with other women, whether it be with or without me. This is something that I've always found to be a big turn on. Well, I've noticed that the women he hooks up with all seem to have something in common, which is completely opposite of me. Also, it seems he prefers them quite a bit younger than myself. The women he has chosen are all quite a bit bigger than myself in all aspects. I'm 5'1 about 115 lbs. I've asked him questions, but really don't get anything much other than he has no preference. I would say ok to that but all have been completely nothing like myself. I guess I'm just confused as to what this means. If anyone has any insight, I would live to hear your thoughts.

[Lola]

Why do you want your husband to sleep with other woman? 

[DKT3]

If you eat steak every day and decide to go out one day, do you go to a steakhouse?

Being sexually adventurous means different,  right? It doesn't mean doing the same or similar things over and over again. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Jlee7981 said:

The women he has chosen are all quite a bit bigger than myself in all aspects. I'm 5'1 about 115 lbs.

This is natural.  He is going to want the opposite of what he has at home. There's a saying that if you follow the most beautiful girl home you will find a guy there who is tired of f----king her.  He wants younger, taller, more voluptuous women, right?

[Jlee7981]

Seems that way. I'm just worried what if he isn't attracted to me. Maybe this is his preference and he doesn't know how to tell me. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it

[understand50]

Maybe these are the only women that said "Yes"

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Jlee7981 said:

Seems that way. I'm just worried what if he isn't attracted to me. Maybe this is his preference and he doesn't know how to tell me. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it

But this is what you asked for when you told him you wanted him to have sex with other women.  I thought that is what turns you on.  As far as his preference for who he has sex with that is not your choice as he know what makes his d--k hard.  You can't control that.

Edited August 11, 2021 by stillafool

[HappilyMarried]

11 hours ago, Jlee7981 said:

Not long ago, I suggested he sleep with other women, whether it be with or without me. This is something that I've always found to be a big turn on.

 

4 hours ago, Lola said:

Why do you want your husband to sleep with other woman? 

Hey @Jlee7981after reading your post I have some questions and a comment.

Have any of these women your husband has now been with been included in a 3 some with you involved? If not how do you know they are completely different from you? Also, how long has this been going on and how many different women has he been with? Finally, do you have any kids? if so are they still at home?

Now for my comment I hope you understand that this isn't going to probably end well if you allow this to continue non stop. I could see this being a one-time fantasy for you, but allowing him to do this as much and as often as he wants is probably going end up with you alone. Best of luck!

[Jlee7981]

No I haven't been involved  but he shows me photos and describes them to me. It's been going on for about 6 months or so, and we have a teenager at home. 

[HappilyMarried]

14 minutes ago, Jlee7981 said:

No I haven't been involved  but he shows me photos and describes them to me. It's been going on for about 6 months or so, and we have a teenager at home. 

Thanks for answering my questions! I am sorry but with these answers and you have not been ask to participate I think you are heading for a bad ending if you don't put an end to this and focus on your relationship if this continues he will either lose respect and love for you or he will find someone and fall in love with then and leave you and your child. I hope I am wrong but everything you have describe seems to be heading that way.

A few more questions, since this has now been going on for 6 months. How has your marriage been? Have you been more or less intimate with each other? Have you been closer to each other or more distance? How many times a week or month is he meeting other women for sex and being away for you and your family?

Edited August 11, 2021 by HappilyMarried

[Jlee7981]

The women he's with aren't comfortable with me joining. He's been with 3 total. He definitely wants me to. Our marriage is good. The main reason I suggested this arrangement in the first place was because my libido hasn't been great, and I felt it would be good for him and us. Actually our intimacy is better than before,  so there's that. He did say, however,  that at anytime I started to feel differently or uncomfortable with it he would stop if that's what I wanted. Usually he meets them at a bar. He never sleeps over with them and always comes home. That was one of our rules.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Jlee7981 said:

Seems that way. I'm just worried what if he isn't attracted to me. Maybe this is his preference and he doesn't know how to tell me. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it

Is he still having sex with you too?  If so, he must be attracted to you.

[HappilyMarried]

22 minutes ago, Jlee7981 said:

The women he's with aren't comfortable with me joining. He's been with 3 total. He definitely wants me to. Our marriage is good. The main reason I suggested this arrangement in the first place was because my libido hasn't been great, and I felt it would be good for him and us. Actually our intimacy is better than before,  so there's that. He did say, however,  that at anytime I started to feel differently or uncomfortable with it he would stop if that's what I wanted. Usually he meets them at a bar. He never sleeps over with them and always comes home. That was one of our rules.

Thanks again for answering the questions. I then do feel some better about your situation. I still would be very careful and seriously start considering going back to a monogamous marriage. Best of luck! Keep us updated on your situation.

[Jlee7981]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is he still having sex with you too?  If so, he must be attracted to you.

Yes, we are still having sex

[S2B]

Would you want the same sandwich every day?

he’s just getting his variety while the door is open!

and most horny men will take whoever is willing. That’s likely the answer.

stop taking it personally… you suggested this scenario.

[notbroken]

Not that many women around that are as small as you.  Just the law of averages says that almost by definition they will be larger.    I agree this is a hornets nest.  I hope for your sake that he stops and you can be happy without others involved.  VERY dangerous for your marriage in spite of what all the polys will say. 

[Jlee7981]

46 minutes ago, S2B said:

Would you want the same sandwich every day?

he’s just getting his variety while the door is open!

and most horny men will take whoever is willing. That’s likely the answer.

stop taking it personally… you suggested this scenario.

Well, I definitely don't want the same sandwich everyday, but have no choice because he can't stand the idea of me being with other men. I've tried talking to him about that, but not budging at the moment. I guess if I was able to, like I said, I would have a better understanding. I know he loves me, but also don't want him to get tired of intimacy with me

Edited August 11, 2021 by Jlee7981

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Not that many women around that are as small as you.

She's petite.  I see a lot of women that size.

[mark clemson]

If you're going to try polyamory, I'd suggest you read The Ethical Slut first. Despite the title, it's a well-established book within polyamory circles.

There is also a site xeromag that has (among other things) significant polyamory resources. I don't link to it here because it has some commercial content (e.g. he sells some books and sex games and so forth) but telling you about it is legit. Be forewarned that there are also significant BDSM resources on that site, so if seeing that sort of stuff is an issue for you, you may want to "click with caution".

Overall, from what I understand, polyamory works best when there is a LOT of discussion and "rule-setting" in advance, and even then there are substantial risks. Something to keep in mind. For example, based on one of your posts above it appears that even the women your husband is merely thinking about is triggering insecurities for you. You may want to think long and hard about whether this is genuinely right for you.

[Jlee7981]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

If you're going to try polyamory, I'd suggest you read The Ethical Slut first. Despite the title, it's a well-established book within polyamory circles.

There is also a site xeromag that has (among other things) significant polyamory resources. I don't link to it here because it has some commercial content (e.g. he sells some books and sex games and so forth) but telling you about it is legit. Be forewarned that there are also significant BDSM resources on that site, so if seeing that sort of stuff is an issue for you, you may want to "click with caution".

Overall, from what I understand, polyamory works best when there is a LOT of discussion and "rule-setting" in advance, and even then there are substantial risks. Something to keep in mind. For example, based on one of your posts above it appears that even the women your husband is merely thinking about is triggering insecurities for you. You may want to think long and hard about whether this is genuinely right for you.

Thank you! I will look into that and really appreciate the advice

[spiderowl]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

She's petite.  I see a lot of women that size.

A lot of men like petite women, OP, and most women are probably taller than you.

I am right in understanding that you suggested he slept with other women because you don't want to have sex with him very often?  I suppose it's one way of dealing with mismatched libido, but don't you get jealous?

Also, there is the very real concern about STIs.

Edited August 11, 2021 by spiderowl

[Jlee7981]

10 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

A lot of men like petite women, OP, and most women are probably taller than you.

I am right in understanding that you suggested he slept with other women because you don't want to have sex with him very often?  I suppose it's one way of dealing with mismatched libido, but don't you get jealous?

Also, there is the very real concern about STIs.

Yes my sex drive hasn't been great, but has gotten better since. He's sleeping with the same women and using protection at all times

[HappilyMarried]

25 minutes ago, Jlee7981 said:

He's sleeping with the same women and using protection at all times

I know earlier today you said he has slept with 3 different women in the last 6 months. If he has now just started sleeping with the same woman and only her that is not a good thing. If it was just for the sex he would be going out and finding as many different ones that could before this stage of your marriage comes to an end. He could very easily start developing feelings for her if he hasn't already. That is not a good thing.

[salparadise]

5 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said:

If he has now just started sleeping with the same woman and only her...

That is not what she said. The sky is not falling, so can we assume she has a few functional synapses of her own?

[stillafool]

44 minutes ago, Jlee7981 said:

He's sleeping with the same women and using protection at all times

I don't think this will end up well if he continually has sex with the same woman.  Sooner or later, if not already, someone is going to fall in love and consider you their competition.  If he's going to do this it should never be with the same woman twice.