LDR breakup - moving abroad but it's too late.

[Mimi255]

Hi Everyone, 

It's my first post on this forum. I need some advice or just calming words on how to cope with my situation. 

My ex broke up with me mid-June. We were together almost 3 years; first 1,5 year it was long distance relationship; then during Covid he moved to my country and we lived together working from home. I'm 25 and he is 32. 

He broke up with me as it was too difficult for me to make a decision to move abroad for him, while he didn't want to stay in my country permanently and it is reasonable from financial reasons. He was offering a lot of compromises in different areas to convince me, however, I felt like I didn't receive enough support from him to make this decision... We argued a lot, I cried a lot, all this tiring stuff.. We decided to give ourselves 2 weeks break to think about us, he went to visit his parents. While I made a decision that I will move abroad and even got to the program at work for future managers that allows me to work abroad, he broke up with me saying that it's too late and he doesn't feel like being in this relationship anymore, he understood he feels better and calmer being alone. 

Since then I did a lot of mistakes, I begged him, asked him to come back, visited him 2 times and he seemed to really missed me and wanted to stay close all the time. Then he said he doesn't want to continue as he feels like using me while he is not thinking about getting back together now. He said he wants closure so we can move on with our lives. So I went back home at 30th July and went into no contact, after almost 1,5 half months of fighting for him. 

On Monday I had a medical surgery that he knew about, and surprisingly he called me to wish me good luck.. and then the day after he called again to check how I am feeling (yesterday). Nothing more, just this.. I don't understand why he did it, it opened up my wound and brought back hope that maybe he wants to communicate again. 

I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I am completely devastated by the thought that I am moving abroad now but without him, I don't even know if he will be in this country as his job situation changes dynamically.. I am not able to assess if there is a chance to get him back or I should give up. I love this man and I know he loved me from the bottom of his heart too. I wanted him to be my husband, but the decision of going abroad was very difficult for me and now I feel like when I finally get the courage to do it, it's too late. 

I will appreciate any advice or words of support from you as this pain is unbearable. 

Thank you for your answers!

 

[d0nnivain]

He bailed because your hesitancy scared him.  He no longer feels he can trust you.  He also knows how hard it is to move abroad.  He did it for you but he couldn't make it permanent so maybe he decided that it was wrong of him to pressure you to move. 

He called after your surgery because he's a fundamentally nice & decent person who cares about you. The break up was about more practical stuff which may be able to be overcome but it will take time.  You need to rebuild trust.  

Now that you have gotten into this management training program, focus on advancing your career.  If you end up in his country, reach out while you are there.  Perhaps you can reconnect.  Do not go to his  country just to get him back.  Go because it will advance your career. Once you are there, the action of moving should help him be reassured that you are serious about him & the relationship 

 

[Mimi255]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He bailed because your hesitancy scared him.  He no longer feels he can trust you.  He also knows how hard it is to move abroad.  He did it for you but he couldn't make it permanent so maybe he decided that it was wrong of him to pressure you to move. 

He called after your surgery because he's a fundamentally nice & decent person who cares about you. The break up was about more practical stuff which may be able to be overcome but it will take time.  You need to rebuild trust.  

Now that you have gotten into this management training program, focus on advancing your career.  If you end up in his country, reach out while you are there.  Perhaps you can reconnect.  Do not go to his  country just to get him back.  Go because it will advance your career. Once you are there, the action of moving should help him be reassured that you are serious about him & the relationship 

 

Hi d0nnivain, thanks for your answer. Yes, he knows how hard it is as he is an immigrant himself and he lived in several countries before we met. He was always saying he will not convince me as it has to be my own decision, while all I needed was to hear that "I will take care of you there" or "Don't be scared, we will make it work". I also think there is a not nice attachment dynamic between us, I am anxious preoccupied while he goes more to Dismissive side.. It manifested in him saying that he doesn't want to discuss stuff, while I needed more communication and talking the problem over. At the end he was very tired, I felt we didn't talk enough, and now yes he doesn't trust me it will change in the future. 

His attitude for breakups was always "an end is an end, there is no going back and no contacting each other" that is why I am confused with him reaching out to me. 

How to rebuild trust if we don't even communicate with each other? Shall I maintain NC? 

This is the part of NC that I don't understand the most. Trust has fundaments in communication, and now we don't talk. Also, he doesn't have any social media and our only communication line is Whatsapp. 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Mimi255

[d0nnivain]

NC is about you healing.  If you want reconciliation, you have to talk to him.  If he won't talk to you, there is nothing you can do.  Did you ever tell him you needed verbal reassurance?  If not, you erred.  When you want something from an SO you have speak up.  

Assuming you want this management training go for it.  Then when you are in his country reach out & be like "I'm here.  Let's get together for dinner" & see where it goes.  

[Mimi255]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

NC is about you healing.  If you want reconciliation, you have to talk to him.  If he won't talk to you, there is nothing you can do.  Did you ever tell him you needed verbal reassurance?  If not, you erred.  When you want something from an SO you have speak up.  

Assuming you want this management training go for it.  Then when you are in his country reach out & be like "I'm here.  Let's get together for dinner" & see where it goes.  

We work in the same company. During the training I can choose the country that I want to do projects in, but I am afraid if I choose to go to his country it will be obvious for him that I came especially there to see him, and it will push him even further away. My only hope is he will be moved back to his initial position after his project abroad is solved, and he will be back in headquarters of the company - same country where I will be for next 3 months at least.

It's really difficult when you cannot even ask where the other person will be... He pursues his career a lot, and lack of stability when it comes to place to live  from his side was also a big issue for me..

[d0nnivain]

11 minutes ago, Mimi255 said:

It's really difficult when you cannot even ask where the other person will be... He pursues his career a lot, and lack of stability when it comes to place to live  from his side was also a big issue for me..

Going to his country even if it's primary for him seems like the "grand gesture" which may be what he needs to feel reassured.  As long as you still benefit from the training, I don't see the down side of you choosing his country.  

His lack of stability is a bigger issue.  Maybe, your time together has simply run it's course.  He likes the nomad thing & if he will always move for greater advancement that could make it hard on kids.