Is it time to Axe a 5 year Friendship?

[Kai_Kai]

 Heyy! 🤗

I truly and honestly don't know what to do 🙄. I have spoken to my other friends about this situation and like they told me to just block her from my life completely. 

A quick back story, my friend of 5 years and me were suppose to meet up the day after Father's Day. She came up to New York from Maryland to handle family court with her ex. She moved to Maryland about 6 month-ish ago while she was pregnant with her second baby to be able to afford a more spacious apartment. She had her baby in Maryland and like 2 month later she started casually dating some guy. She was dating some other guys as well, but this one guy she kept seeing.  She said they weren't serious, but she brought him to New York with her as support for family court. So, when she text me about meeting up she said that ,"We wanted to see you." And I'm like wait...what? I never met this man, I don't know him, and I have a toddler at home. I don't want this man in my house that I don't know around me and my toddler during a pandemic, and I couldn't really go out to a public setting at the time because I sprained my shoulder. So, I wanted to clarify with her that I wanted to see just her and catch up. She never responded to my text. I tried calling her that day we were suppose to meet up and nothing. I saw on Facebook that she posted a photo of herself and made a caption like," It feels good to be loved again." A week later, she responds to my text saying she was sorry she went MIA she was busy with court and life. 

 

I asked her how court went...crickets. She went MIA again for another week. She text me again saying,"Heyyy. We haven't spoken in a while. How are you?" In between the week she ghosted again, my dad had a health scare, so I text her that my dad wasn't doing well. She literally calls my dad "Dad". She never responded to my text about my dad being sick and that was like 2 weeks ago. Luckily, my dad recovered and is doing fine. But, I recently found out my brother got COVID. It's a mild case, but after my dad getting sick it was a lot to take in. All my other friends have been super supportive and stop by my house with food and spend time with me. I posted on instagram last night in my story that I was happy to have such a supportive group of friends. After an hour of posting that, my so called friend text me and was like,"So sorry I have been MIA. I have been so caught up. How is dad? How is your brother? How is the baby? Meanwhile, the entire time she goes Ghost she is on Facebook or Instagram off and on  talking about how she's in love. 

 

I haven't responded to her text. My other friends are just like block her and move on. But, that seems so childish to me. I want to approach her that shows that what she is doing is not acceptable, but at the same time acknowledge that she has her own issues going on in her life. But whenever I attempt to text her it comes out completely wrong. I just don't think I can just axe a 5 year friendship like that so abruptly. But, at the same time my hands are tied. 

 

 

What would ya'll text? 

 

I need some insight 😕 

[stillafool]

Well some women when involved with a new man and fall in love disappear for a while to cultivate their new relationship.  I've had friends do that to me but I understand and just hang out with other friends and my husband until we see each other again.  If you're truly hurt by this and see no more worth in the friendship let her go.  It sounds like you have lots of other good friends to be there as your support system so it doesn't seem like much of a loss.

[Pumpernickel]

I would text nothing. I would wait until she reaches out again and then I would text back asking “do you have a few minutes to talk?”, and then I would call her back. And then you can tell her - respectfully and precisely - what it is that bothers you. 
 

Some friendships run their course. Your friend sounds a little self-absorbed, and it may be her personality in general, but it can also be because she’s in a new relationship that she’s trying to nurture now. She might still be upset that you didn’t invite her over together with her new beau, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask her. Texting is the wrong approach if you want to solve that problem. 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I haven't responded to her text. My other friends are just like block her and move on. But, that seems so childish to me. I want to approach her that shows that what she is doing is not acceptable, but at the same time acknowledge that she has her own issues going on in her life. But whenever I attempt to text her it comes out completely wrong. I just don't think I can just axe a 5 year friendship like that so abruptly. But, at the same time my hands are tied. 

 

 

What would ya'll text? 

 

I need some insight 😕 

Blocking her is extreme. It would suggest that she's doing something so offensive that you never want to hear from her again. I wouldn't do that. She's going through a rough time right now and is more interested in her new beau after a big move. This is not such a big deal. 

Carry on with your other friends who are supportive of you or there for you. Friendships weave in and out and it is perfectly fine. If she can't be there for you now, leave her alone and let her come to you at a better time. Don't overinvest in this or expect her to be there for you during trying times. Look to your other friends. I think all this is about managing your expectations instead of having unrealistic expectations of people who aren't in the position to help you or be supportive to you. From what you've mentioned she's done nothing obtuse or offensive, imo. She's just out of it and in her own world. 

[Kai_Kai]

6 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I would text nothing. I would wait until she reaches out again and then I would text back asking “do you have a few minutes to talk?”, and then I would call her back. And then you can tell her - respectfully and precisely - what it is that bothers you. 
 

Some friendships run their course. Your friend sounds a little self-absorbed, and it may be her personality in general, but it can also be because she’s in a new relationship that she’s trying to nurture now. She might still be upset that you didn’t invite her over together with her new beau, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask her. Texting is the wrong approach if you want to solve that problem. 

So, like just leave her on read?🤨 I have my read receipts on 🙃. But, I guess that could play out a little better than texting back and forth, so things are not misconstrued. My friend is pretty open. and honest about her feeling she would have let me know from the beginning that she was upset that I didn't invite her....whatever he is. Thanks for the advice though. 

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well some women when involved with a new man and fall in love disappear for a while to cultivate their new relationship.  I've had friends do that to me but I understand and just hang out with other friends and my husband until we see each other again.  If you're truly hurt by this and see no more worth in the friendship let her go.  It sounds like you have lots of other good friends to be there as your support system so it doesn't seem like much of a loss.

This is true.  But, I have never been that type to ghost on a friend if they needed me. I am pretty hurt because like she is one of my closest friends, so its bizarre to not have her support.  Especially when I have been there for her and like when the table turns she is off the tracks with this guy that she doesn't even know. 

[Kai_Kai]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Blocking her is extreme. It would suggest that she's doing something so offensive that you never want to hear from her again. I wouldn't do that. She's going through a rough time right now and is more interested in her new beau after a big move. This is not such a big deal. 

Carry on with your other friends who are supportive of you or there for you. Friendships weave in and out and it is perfectly fine. If she can't be there for you now, leave her alone and let her come to you at a better time. Don't overinvest in this or expect her to be there for you during trying times. Look to your other friends. I think all this is about managing your expectations instead of having unrealistic expectations of people who aren't in the position to help you or be supportive to you. From what you've mentioned she's done nothing obtuse or offensive, imo. She's just out of it and in her own world. 

I agree blocking is very extreme. I think you made a solid point that I really just need to adjust my expectation from her. Because I am expecting her to act like me and what I would do. I will send a friend a quick hey I am thinking about you text all the time if I haven't spoken to them in a while just to check in. Majority of my friends are the same and receptive, but yeah I still don't know what to text...if anything at all. It's just an odd situation for me.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Next time don't text her. Call her. it's easier to have a conversation by talking than by texting. 

[Pumpernickel]

3 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

So, like just leave her on read?🤨 I have my read receipts on 🙃.

No, like I said - text back asking if she’s got a few minutes to talk - Things get resolved faster during a real conversation (you can also pick up the phone right now, proactively, without waiting for her to text you first)

Also - don’t block her. For what? That’s just childish advice. 

[Kai_Kai]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

No, like I said - text back asking if she’s got a few minutes to talk - Things get resolved faster during a real conversation (you can also pick up the phone right now, proactively, without waiting for her to text you first)

Also - don’t block her. For what? That’s just childish advice. 

Gotcha. I misunderstood because you wrote that I should wait until she reaches out again. So, I thought you meant like leave her waiting until she texts again and then call her.

 

Noooo. I am not going to block her. That is what my friends are telling me, but they're being petty and I don't think its the right approach at all. 

[d0nnivain]

There is no need to axe this & there is no need to block.  She's not going out of her way to keep this connection alive.  She has moved hundreds of miles away.  Just let it fade.  If you get an occasional holiday greeting or birthday message, that will be lovely. No need to stress or make any effort.   If leaving her on read bothers you -- it shouldn't -- but if it does, respond back, "they're fine now" & leave it at that.  You now know she's flakey so stop relying on her.  

[glows]

16 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I agree blocking is very extreme. I think you made a solid point that I really just need to adjust my expectation from her. Because I am expecting her to act like me and what I would do. I will send a friend a quick hey I am thinking about you text all the time if I haven't spoken to them in a while just to check in. Majority of my friends are the same and receptive, but yeah I still don't know what to text...if anything at all. It's just an odd situation for me.

I hear you. I do the same too with my friends and it's so nice to hear from them. She texted you this, "How is dad? How is your brother? How is the baby?". I would respond with something generic and neutral. Ie. "Hi __, nice to hear from you. Everyone is doing well. Thanks for asking. I hope your boyfriend and you are also doing well and enjoying the summer."

Or something to that effect and leave it as a closed sentence, not with any further inquiries and not giving out too much info about yourself as I don't think that's what she's looking for. If the  conversation continues then respond as so.

[Kai_Kai]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

There is no need to axe this & there is no need to block.  She's not going out of her way to keep this connection alive.  She has moved hundreds of miles away.  Just let it fade.  If you get an occasional holiday greeting or birthday message, that will be lovely. No need to stress or make any effort.   If leaving her on read bothers you -- it shouldn't -- but if it does, respond back, "they're fine now" & leave it at that.  You now know she's flakey so stop relying on her.  

Thanks! Good Point...keep it generic. It's kind of like how I treat those acquittances from high school, I literally only talk to them during the holidays/birthday, but we are still amicable. It just sucks how people can be flakey sometimes. 

4 minutes ago, glows said:

I hear you. I do the same too with my friends and it's so nice to hear from them. She texted you this, "How is dad? How is your brother? How is the baby?". I would respond with something generic and neutral. Ie. "Hi __, nice to hear from you. Everyone is doing well. Thanks for asking. I hope your boyfriend and you are also doing well and enjoying the summer."

Or something to that effect and leave it as a closed sentence, not with any further inquiries and not giving out too much info about yourself as I don't think that's what she's looking for. If the  conversation continues then respond as so.

You and @d0nnivain are in alliance  regarding being pretty generic with her, which is a great approach. Other users mentioned calling her, but I know if I do she will literally dominant the whole conversation about what is happening with her and why she has been MIA. Now that I think about it usually our convos are about what's going on in her life. We speak briefly about mine, but very brief. This thread is giving some hard insight on my friendship 🙃

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

This is true.  But, I have never been that type to ghost on a friend if they needed me. I am pretty hurt because like she is one of my closest friends, so its bizarre to not have her support.  Especially when I have been there for her and like when the table turns she is off the tracks with this guy that she doesn't even know. 

I know but try to be happy for her.  It's not easy finding love.  Lucky for you that you have other friends.  Many do not.

[Kai_Kai]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I know but try to be happy for her.  It's not easy finding love.  Lucky for you that you have other friends.  Many do not.

It's not. It's hard to find a decent person especially as a single mom. There's a bunch of weirdos out there. On the other hand, you're right. I do have other friends and family to lean on. But no one wants a long term friendship to run its course. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Kai_Kai said:

But no one wants a long term friendship to run its course. 

Maybe it hasn't, you're just taking a break for a while.

[Kai_Kai]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Maybe it hasn't, you're just taking a break for a while.

Hmmm maybe. I am such an absolute person that I need to just leave things shaded gray. 

 

 

[Kai_Kai]

I took ya'll advice ish....I message her a generic message and she responded instantly. She said she has been so busy with work and the kids along with other issues. She is fishing for me to give more information on whats going on with me. I am still keeping it generic because honestly I don't want to spill the beans and she ghost again and it was a text wasted 😆 or she thinks we're on good terms and we're not. We're not on bad terms either. 

 

[d0nnivain]

42 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

It's kind of like how I treat those acquittances from high school, I literally only talk to them during the holidays/birthday, but we are still amicable. It just sucks how people can be flakey sometimes. 

 

6 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

 she thinks we're on good terms and we're not. We're not on bad terms either. 

She's somebody you used to know who you used to be better friends with.  That changed & now she's more like an old acquaintance then a good close friend.  Accept the shift & carry on about your life with the people who are putting in effort.  

[ShyViolet]

She's drifting apart from you and she has other things going on in her life.  Her actions are showing that this friendship is not a priority to her.  This is something that happens.  I think it would be petty and immature to block her, or to confront her and tell her that her "behavior is not acceptable."  It's not your place to tell her that.  You can either stay in a more distant friendship with her, where you lower your expectations, or just stop reaching out to her.  This doesn't sound like something to get so upset over.

[Kai_Kai]

53 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

She's somebody you used to know who you used to be better friends with.  That changed & now she's more like an old acquaintance then a good close friend.  Accept the shift & carry on about your life with the people who are putting in effort.  

 

33 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She's drifting apart from you and she has other things going on in her life.  Her actions are showing that this friendship is not a priority to her.  This is something that happens.  I think it would be petty and immature to block her, or to confront her and tell her that her "behavior is not acceptable."  It's not your place to tell her that.  You can either stay in a more distant friendship with her, where you lower your expectations, or just stop reaching out to her.  This doesn't sound like something to get so upset over.

I am definitely lowering my expectation regarding what I expect from her. I am not super upset, but it hurts because we have been friends for a long time. So, its not a switch I can just turn off. 

[d0nnivain]

Deep long lasting friends are hard to come by & something to be treasured IMO but it doesn't seem like your GF is in that head space right now.  Maybe in a year or two when she gets settled she'll come back. But then you have to let her prove herself.  

[glows]

1 hour ago, Kai_Kai said:

I took ya'll advice ish....I message her a generic message and she responded instantly. She said she has been so busy with work and the kids along with other issues. She is fishing for me to give more information on whats going on with me. I am still keeping it generic because honestly I don't want to spill the beans and she ghost again and it was a text wasted 😆 or she thinks we're on good terms and we're not. We're not on bad terms either. 

 

 

9 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

 

I am definitely lowering my expectation regarding what I expect from her. I am not super upset, but it hurts because we have been friends for a long time. So, its not a switch I can just turn off. 

It seems that you're in the process of accepting and letting go of someone you were once close with. Is it possible that you're perceiving it as her fishing but she is just quite adept at leaving conversations hanging (from past history in your interactions)? You're perceiving her as wanting more info out of you but maybe she doesn't. 

 

[Kai_Kai]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Deep long lasting friends are hard to come by & something to be treasured IMO but it doesn't seem like your GF is in that head space right now.  Maybe in a year or two when she gets settled she'll come back. But then you have to let her prove herself.  

I completely agree with this. Just like some people aren't ready for a committed relationship maybe she's not ready to juggling a new relationship and friendship. 

8 minutes ago, glows said:

 

It seems that you're in the process of accepting and letting go of someone you were once close with. Is it possible that you're perceiving it as her fishing but she is just quite adept at leaving conversations hanging (from past history in your interactions)? You're perceiving her as wanting more info out of you but maybe she doesn't. 

 

I mean I would be lying if I said no...so that could very well be the reality of it. She could  just say what politically is correct. But I am not too sure now. 

 

 

***UPDATE GUYSSS**

 

I have been super generic in my text messages too bad I cant upload screenshots here, but after she asked me what's going on with me. I literally put," I'm taking things day by day. But, all is good. "(which is not like me usually I am texting her all the beans, tea, ...the whole pot 😂. I guess she picked up on the shift in tone  and then she text me verbatim,"I'm sorry I know you probably don't wanna talk to me just wanted to check in." 

 

 

Now, I don't know how to respond again. Part of me just wants to keep it generic and another part of me wants to extend a branch.  -sighs- 

[glows]

She's baiting you. This is very silly and unnecessary. If you sense she's very insecure overall, just stop responding. 

You are answering her texts so for her to say "I know you probably don't wanna talk to me" is false. This is one reason why I don't go on and on with text conversations. At this point if you really are interested in the friendship, suggest a phone call over the weekend or another time. I would be too put off to talk to her at this point. 

[Kai_Kai]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

She's baiting you. This is very silly and unnecessary. If you sense she's very insecure overall, just stop responding. 

You are answering her texts so for her to say "I know you probably don't wanna talk to me" is false. This is one reason why I don't go on and on with text conversations. At this point if you really are interested in the friendship, suggest a phone call over the weekend or another time. I would be too put off to talk to her at this point. 

Yeah. I think I really just need a whole day or two to figure out my feelings. I am all over the place right now lol.