witabix Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 Hi, this is the first time I have posted on anything like this. I need some feedback from some unconnected sources. I have been going out with my gf for over a year now. She seems to be happy with our relationship, although I sense a reluctance on her part to actually commit. I think this is due to her history of having gone out with some jerks in the past. (And yes I can hear you think, is she going out with another jerk now ) She has a friend, a male friend. They see each other occasionally, about once every three months or so, I think, or thats all I am aware of. The 'dates' are lunch(aftenoon), a music gig, or a sports game (in a city some distance from where we live). They have even had lunch in a bar on the street on which I live. I am confused to a major level over all of this. Let me elucidate.... She told me she met him nearly twenty years ago.... but hang on she told me they met when they were at college he was a year ahead of her and helped with assignments, even though he is younger than her ( don't know how much younger though), some six or seven years ago. She said she finds the thought of him being intimate repulsive, he tried to kiss/intimate himself to her two years ago and she rejected him. Yet she still sees him, did any of her previous boyfriends have a problem? She said I haven't had any boyfriends during this time, yet I know she did, I worked as a barman and I saw this with my own eyes. I also know that by boyfriend she may mean an intimate boy friend, even barmen can't see this!!!! She knows it bothers me, yet there is no way she will stop seeing him.I actually respect this, I do not want to come between friends. Who instigates these meetings? The answer to that was "You don't trust me". Well I have to say the conversation wasn't about trust just the facts. Who wants to see who seemed appropriate at the time. There is another set of paradoxes that I cannot resolve in my own head. She said that he knew she had a boyfriend. She even said she was suprised that he never asked about her bf. Then she said they only talked about work and never about their relationships. How did the fact she had a bf come up in that case? She said she knows that he has a gf, but no name was mentioned, I thought that that was one of the first things a girl would mention, her name. I know he has recently bought a house and where it is, I don't know what he does for a living, I know he has no male friends, I don't know what she feels for him, or him for her, but I really am confused, as you can guess from this rambling post My question is... Is she keeping me as a stop gap/substitute, when her 'dates' with this guy fall through she calls me to see me. Leaving me feeling like second best. Or is she keeping him as a safety net, just tagging him along in case or cheap tickets for matches? Your thoughts/comments/further questions appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 She does not * trust * herself. I think they are both feeding you a line of bullcrappy . They could truly just be friends but big warning signs go out when she insists keeping him and going out with him. Are they sleeping together. ? Bet she told you no. Maybe they are . Maybe not. I would keep a fair distance and protect your heart. I suspect they can't let go of eachother and if you dont like it ...oh well...she pretty much told you how important he is. If there * are * any feelings there you are going to LOSE eventually. Just remember what I said. Some of these *friends* are people she can't let go of and you might be in rebound mode. Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted October 24, 2005 Author Share Posted October 24, 2005 Thanks for your response, I am fairly sure they are not sleeping together. Based purely on my instincts of course, I am aware I may LOSE in the end, but thats the way I live my life, if its not worth a risk then its not worth anything. I have talked it through with her since my post. I am fairly sure there is no actual conflict in her mind about who her bf is. She opened up a lot to me during the conversation and I understand her better now. My long and garbled post probably reflected my garbled thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 dude, my take's that she's not cheating with this guy. He's firmly in her friends zone. She met him 20years ago. C'mon man, if she digs him, she'd have a long time ago. But he probably has an interest in her because he deliberate never asks about her b/f and never brings up about his g/f. You're a guy, think about it..... it makes a lotta sense. I'm not sayin' it's definitely so, but I'm sayin' it's likely. But hey, relax. Once a dude is in the friends zone, there's little much he can do to get out. You just make sure you treat her nice, know what I mean? And..... meeting him once every 3months? Doesn't sound excessive to me. One thing I'd say about her is that she doesn't sound like she's too sensitive to your feelings, but that's pretty much all I'd say about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 Thanks elijahBailey, forgot to check back here, I'd say your probably right. As a guy I know where he's coming from still sniffing I'd say. Link to post Share on other sites
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