'friend' who repeatedly ghosts me

[JDam]

Hi guys,

i have mentioned this in another thread where I talked about me and my ex reconnecting which eventually did not work out. I was particularly upset because I have loved this guy for several years so when he said Im pushing him after I wanted to clarify where things were going, I was just devastated  on my way home I texted my best friend how things ended (she knew we would meet up) and described what happened. She then read the message but did not reply so I said: what do you think about this? To which she replied she thinks he does not want to take it to a next level etc. bla bla I was just upset and looked for some comfort. I then went on to tell her details about our meeting but then I felt she was just annoyed that I was telling her, I told her that Im sorry for telling her this, but Im feeling she is being borhered. She said she is also feeling “pushed” but did not explain how and why. She also said she has been thinking about telling me, but again did not clarify what she did not like. I was particularly annoyed by this and told her that Im sorry she is feeling this way, and that I did not expect my best friend to tell me she is not feeling well in my presence, especially on a day like this when I felt like total s***. I said I did not understand what she means by being pushed as she is the one who almost always initiates our meetings. I also said I dont think I did anything wrong to my ex or her and I cant read minds. And that perhaps we were not compatible then.

i was super upset about that situation with my ex so I might have overreacted but I think I did not say anything bad to her. But I wanted to smooth things out and said “I apologize” on Saturday, which she keeps as “unread” and is giving me this silent treatment. I had a birthday yesterday and she did not even wish me a happy birthday.

This is nor the first time she did this. She did this also 3 years ago after our vacation where we had an argument because I could not find our accommodarion on airbnb and she was super pissy because she was hungry and sleepy, but did not help me find it. I told her she acted like a spoiled brat. We then reconciled but after the vacation she stopped talking to me because I told her I felt like she did not enjoy the vacation as much perhaps. She then did not go to my birthday party (30s). She then texted me aftter a month saying she did not want to write to me so she would not say anything she might regret afterwards. She said she came home exhausted after the vacation. I just felt like she is acting like a drama queen. i mean Im not a travel agency and I dont want to be held responsible for entertaining her at a vacation, be blamed for not finding the hotel etc. We then did not talk for a year.

she also stopped talking to me in March this year for no obvious reason at all. We did not have an argument or anything. Because of covid I had not seen her since December 20. We started talking again after I reached out to her and asked how she was doing.

on one hand Im sorry for this because our time is always well spent and we have a great connection, like similar things etc. But her style of communication when I just have no idea what is going through her head just exhausts me. Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

Sometimes friends get fatigued from too much emotion dumping. Sure, friends are there listen.

However in high conflict on/off situations friends don't want to take sides or say too much.

When someone is chronically confused about a breakup friends feel damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't when they say anything.

Friends can be supportive but not on call for instant free therapy.

Try to relax and reflect. This is not a crisis.

It's long long overdue that you delete and block him.

Decide if you want real friends who'll level with you or superficial friends who just ply you with trite "comforting" platitudes. Anyone who doesn't really care can come up with stuff like "you deserve better", etc.

[glows]

47 minutes ago, JDam said:

Hi guys,

i have mentioned this in another thread where I talked about me and my ex reconnecting which eventually did not work out. I was particularly upset because I have loved this guy for several years so when he said Im pushing him after I wanted to clarify where things were going, I was just devastated  on my way home I texted my best friend how things ended (she knew we would meet up) and described what happened. She then read the message but did not reply so I said: what do you think about this? To which she replied she thinks he does not want to take it to a next level etc. bla bla I was just upset and looked for some comfort. I then went on to tell her details about our meeting but then I felt she was just annoyed that I was telling her, I told her that Im sorry for telling her this, but Im feeling she is being borhered. She said she is also feeling “pushed” but did not explain how and why. She also said she has been thinking about telling me, but again did not clarify what she did not like. I was particularly annoyed by this and told her that Im sorry she is feeling this way, and that I did not expect my best friend to tell me she is not feeling well in my presence, especially on a day like this when I felt like total s***. I said I did not understand what she means by being pushed as she is the one who almost always initiates our meetings. I also said I dont think I did anything wrong to my ex or her and I cant read minds. And that perhaps we were not compatible then.

i was super upset about that situation with my ex so I might have overreacted but I think I did not say anything bad to her. But I wanted to smooth things out and said “I apologize” on Saturday, which she keeps as “unread” and is giving me this silent treatment. I had a birthday yesterday and she did not even wish me a happy birthday.

This is nor the first time she did this. She did this also 3 years ago after our vacation where we had an argument because I could not find our accommodarion on airbnb and she was super pissy because she was hungry and sleepy, but did not help me find it. I told her she acted like a spoiled brat. We then reconciled but after the vacation she stopped talking to me because I told her I felt like she did not enjoy the vacation as much perhaps. She then did not go to my birthday party (30s). She then texted me aftter a month saying she did not want to write to me so she would not say anything she might regret afterwards. She said she came home exhausted after the vacation. I just felt like she is acting like a drama queen. i mean Im not a travel agency and I dont want to be held responsible for entertaining her at a vacation, be blamed for not finding the hotel etc. We then did not talk for a year.

she also stopped talking to me in March this year for no obvious reason at all. We did not have an argument or anything. Because of covid I had not seen her since December 20. We started talking again after I reached out to her and asked how she was doing.

on one hand Im sorry for this because our time is always well spent and we have a great connection, like similar things etc. But her style of communication when I just have no idea what is going through her head just exhausts me. Thoughts?

Maybe you do not need to try so hard. You talk, she listens. She talks, you listen. She's told you once that "she did not want to write to you so she would not say anything she might regret afterwards". This suggests that she's not all too comfortable speaking her mind around you. You are exhausted and irritated with her. She doesn't quite do it for you in terms of a listening ear. So talk to someone else, another friend. Walk it off or learn to self-soothe also and calm yourself.

Avoid over-texting as meaning can be lost over text messages and people often read too much into the time it takes to read or answer. This is very meaningless overall as the quality of conversation is lacking, misunderstandings potentially abound.

If you're both able, invite her out to coffee or lunch. Have your time together and then go back to your daily lives, listen to what she has to say also and be engaged in her life. Failing all of this if she is not interested or doesn't want to meet you halfway, don't keep contacting her. Move on your separate ways.

 

[d0nnivain]

You can't run a friendship over text any more than you can sustain a relationship that way.  You were wrong to send all that heavy emotional stuff via text.  Try calling or better yet, actually spending time together. 

I'm sorry about your break up but you would have derived more comfort from seeing your friend in person or over zoom if in person was not safe due to Covid. 

That said she was wrong not to wish you a Happy Birthday.  

It does seem there is a great deal of drama in this friendship.  Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate.  Better to sit back, pursue other interests & let her initiate or not as she likes. Then you will really know where you stand.  

[ShyViolet]

Her behavior is telling you that she's not interested in really being friends anymore.  You can't control someone else's behavior.  It's time for you to listen to what she is telling you with her actions, and stop constantly trying and trying to maintain a friendship with this person.  Leave her alone and find new friends.

[JDam]

First of all, thank you all for taking your time to read my post and reply, I appreciate that.

@Wiseman2yes, I think I was perhaps telling her too much about that relationship. On the other hand, she was the one who came up with the idea that we should get together and we also talked a lot of her relationships too. I considered her a good friend because she was always able to articulate her thoughts clearly and often times it definitely was not something I would like to hear. However, she is bad at articulating her “needs” and what is going through her head regarding our friendship.

@glows yes, i thought about asking her  out for a coffee but I have already apologized (for nothing in my opinion) and she had been keeping my post as “unread”. Its just ridiculous, she is acting as if I yelled at her, betrayed her or something. Oh well…

@d0nnivainyes, you are right. However, we would meet like once a week or two. When we met in person, we talked about everything, work, family, as well as the relationships. She was usually the one who initiated the meetings because she lives in the countryside so I would see her only when she lets me know she would come to the city. I regret getting emotional after seeing my ex, however, I did not tell her anything bad, I was just upset how the conversation with my ex went and had to write it to someone on my way home  I did apologize, even though I do think I did not do anything bad.

@ShyVioletyes, maybe you are right. Maybe she is enjoying that she is now having the upper hand and that I apologized and is giving me the silent treatment now. Maybe she is thinking over what to say. I have no idea and I cant read her mind. In this aspect, Im very different. I communicate my needs really clearly and Im honest and straight forward. Maybe we are not compatible

 

 

 

 

[glows]

You don’t need to apologize for anything. Let her be. If she wants to contact you she will. Don’t feel bad about anything anymore. 

I can understand if you felt like you needed a listening ear because we all need that now and then. You shouldn’t ever feel like you have to apologize for being upset after your break up. If she’s not there for you, treat this as her not being there for you, period. Look to other friends to rely on. You have a long history of her letting you down.

Edited August 12, 2021 by glows

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, JDam said:

@ShyVioletyes, maybe you are right. Maybe she is enjoying that she is now having the upper hand and that I apologized and is giving me the silent treatment now. Maybe she is thinking over what to say. I have no idea and I cant read her mind. In this aspect, Im very different. I communicate my needs really clearly and Im honest and straight forward. Maybe we are not compatible

ShyViolet didn't say anything about your friend enjoying having the upper hand.  She said your friend's behavior is telling you she no longer wants to be friends and I agree with her.  I too have had friends who wore me out emotionally that I had to back away from in order not to absorb their stress.  I think that's what this friend is doing.  She's definitely trying to create distance and I think you should just leave her alone and give it to her.

[JDam]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

ShyViolet didn't say anything about your friend enjoying having the upper hand.  She said your friend's behavior is telling you she no longer wants to be friends and I agree with her.  I too have had friends who wore me out emotionally that I had to back away from in order not to absorb their stress.  I think that's what this friend is doing.  She's definitely trying to create distance and I think you should just leave her alone and give it to her.

I did not say that is what whyviolet said. I meant to say that is one of the options going through her head.

no matter what it is, be it her stress or whatever, her style of communication is just hurting me and I do not think I deserved that. She is acting really immature and it just scares the hell out of me that people who act this way want to become a judge one day.

@glows thank you! Yes, I dont theres going back anymore even if she reached out and it also what really makes me miserable. I did love her as a friend but this is something I can no longer tolerate

[Wiseman2]

That's true.

Nobody wants to make the mistake of trying to be supportive and saying "yeah, he's wrong, he's a jerk, etc." 

Then oops...they're back together again.

[Acacia98]

I'm a believer in reciprocity. So if you're in a  friendship and your friend is investing way less energy in the friendship than you are, I think it's a good idea to pull back. If she doesn't want to respond to your communication, don't keep trying to reach her. Let it be. If she resurfaces months later, suddenly wanting to talk, you can decide whether you want to keep the communication going or not.

Personally, I'd probably let the friendship end. But I'm not you. I don't know the full history of your friendship. I can't tell if you routinely place unreasonable emotional demands on her or if she's selfish. So this advice may not be helpful to you. If you do decide to maintain the friendship, do so with the understanding that she's only willing to do certain things at certain times. So she's not a shoulder you can lean on. Perhaps she could be the friend you just have lighthearted conversations with about that movie you watched or that place you visited. Save the deep, emotional conversations for more reliable friends who are willing to have them.

Edited August 13, 2021 by Acacia98

[JDam]

Thank you both!

@Acacia98yes, I think you are spot on. Of course, I cant speak for her, but I dont think I placed unreasonable emotional demands. This thing with my ex has been going on for about 6 months and intensified in the last two. I do admit I have been talking about the reconnection a lot lately, but also about other things too, especially my relatively new job which Im absolutely thrilled about. I always asked her about her relationships, work, school and other things going on in her life. Also, as mentioned earlier, if she has been feeling “emotionally abused/exhausted” by my presence, it does not make sense she reached out every week to get together for a coffee, a trip etc. I never knew there was anything she despised about me so much that would now justify her odd behaviour. 
 

i do admit I got emotional after the meeting with my ex, but it was nothing against her. Of course, her feelings are hers and she is entitled to them… but then as we have mentioned earlier, she let me down in a time when I was really vulnerable and it was understandable that I was venting… if she ever does reach out or if we “reconcile”, I dont think I will be able to forget this kind of treatment. Which just makes me miserable because I do think she was a good friend overall…