Very complicated relationship; final decision time. Please advise

[Bibi00]

I’ve been living with my parter for 15years in Uk. 
We are both foreigners- I am from Eastern Europe and he is from Middle East.

I love him dearly; he has always been very good to me; respectful, caring, loving; I couldn’t wish for anyone better.

For over 20 years he hasn’t been in touch with his family back home; he didn’t know much about ‘his’ country as he emigrated in his teens, until….

unfortunately due to Covit we lost our jobs and things got very difficult for us and we decided to leave UK. He doesn’t have savings as he had gambling problems.
the plan was that he will go to his country and then once covit situation calms down we will start life somewhere else; that was the plan. Little amount of money he had with him soon run out and he had to find his family who welcomed him with opened arms. Last few months he has been going through ‘culture’ shock and he can’t stand living there.

unfortunately due to him not having European passport he is not able to travel to Europe.

the only option for us to settle down somewhere is to get married.

and that’s a big issue.

I love him and I need him in my life but….. my family is agains us getting married. There point - he has nothing, he was a gambler and probably will go back to gambling, as a wife I will be obligated to support him financially etc.

I’ve been always good with saving money for ‘rainy days’ and I am not from poor family.

He is saying that we will stand on our feet again, that we will open small buissnes which will generate money etc. it sounds good but it’s me who would invest the money and I am not poor but I can’t afford loosing money.

Last few weeks it’s been massive pressure about getting married as it’s the only way for him to get out from the country where he is. 
to make it worst I love him from all my heart.

My heart is telling me to go for it and my brain is telling me - what if things don’t work and we end up living in my homeland spending my savings.

and to make it even worst - we messed up in the past; being together for xxxxxx years, living day by day; now we are in late 40s

What would you do?

thank you for reading  

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Bibi00 said:

my family is agains us getting married. There point - he has nothing, he was a gambler and probably will go back to gambling, as a wife I will be obligated to support him financially etc.

Use this time to reflect on what you want for yourself and your future. Is there a reason you or he did not want to marry before? Whose idea is it to marry?

Give carful consideration to your family's concerns. It seem they have your best interests at heart, however this gambler/dreamer does not.

[BaileyB]

Tough one - 

I wouldn’t marry him without a legal agreement indicating that premarital assets will not be shared and you will not be responsible for his debts. 

I too am very curious to know why you haven’t married in the past 15 years if you truly love each other. It’s hard to leave your partner on his own after 15 years… but, your partner has/had a gambling problem and that changes the game. I would be very cautious. 

I’m sorry life has been tough for you. Wishing you well. 

Edited August 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

Don't ever marry someone with money problems and who is bad with money.  Your family is telling you this because it's true.

[glows]

Gambling is a dealbreaker. I have a rule, just one. If something or someone doesn’t offer peace of mind, it’s out. He would be completely out. 

You have some big decisions ahead of you. Think of your later years also. Your family will not always be there for you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Nope. No way. No how. Don't do it. Listen to your brain.

Your heart is going to lead you to tons of future heartache and many years after that to rebuild from ashes. 

This guy has never learned to stand on his own. He has gambling problems which means he has a hard time controlling his impulses and being responsible. Right now he ran to his family because he can't figure out how to survive on his own. His family is currently saving him from himself. Since he doesn't like being there, now he's looking at you to save him instead. 

This man will weigh you down and become a burden to you for many, many years. He will bring you regrets. 

Exercise your freedom and independence in this moment: SAY NO!

[Caauug]

On 8/12/2021 at 6:01 PM, Bibi00 said:

the only option for us to settle down somewhere is to get married.

15 yrs with him and you never married, for what ever reason.... Marriage the only reason is to stay together? 15yrs living in a country and you didn't take citizenship? Or you didn't need citizenship to stay that long?

I'm not a fan of M, but to let opportunities slip by that have life altering consequences, like loosing your mate/love or the country you now call home is really dumb.... Marriage does have a place, it should of happened 10yrs ago if he saw value in you and you saw value in him. Immigration dept. is important when you are not living in your birth country.

Lots of red flags... Gambling, reluctance to secure a future, poor money management, location (you two in different countries), your family not liking him. IMO, this guy has proven to you he's not interested in the protector/provider role..... Is he more the "Bad Boy" personality?

[Whodatdog]

You were fine for 15 years without being married. There has to be some other way for him to leave the country. If he's unhappy there he's motivated to get out. Im not sure I understand why he left in the first place. But at any rate, no I wouldnt do it. 

[S2B]

I wouldn’t marry any man that offers me no safe place and no security! Never!

no way! 
on top of that he has gambling issues? This isn’t a good choice for you. Let him figure out his life and his future!

you stay put and work and save. He can support himself by figuring out his plan as a 40 year old! 
 

he offers you nothing.