Why does my friend pursue all of his friend's ex's?

[Northwest79]

So I have a friend that I just had a big falling out with. The reason is that I found out that he's been seeing my ex behind mu back for a few months. Long story short, he had been very distant as of late, and I went over to a BBQ at his house. Everyone was acting a bit strange toward me, but I didn't figure out why until later that night when my friend confessed that he had been seeing mu ex for some time. I almost instantly told him that we could not be friends anymore and the reason is that he had broken any trust I had for him.

Well, he didn't take it too well and got really angry while firing off all these reasons as to why he had done nothing wrong in his opinion. The first one is that my ex and I despite being together for 5 years, were never married and did not have kids together. He said that between that and the fact that we had been broken up for a couple years, I had no right to feel angry. He then started going off about how he had asked all these people that he considered to have good judgement if he was making a mistake, and that they all said I had no right to have a problem with him going after my ex. 

I didn't pay any attention to his excuses and simply told him that the fact that he knew how bad this woman hurt me should have been enough for him to figure out that he was going to lose a good friend if he went there (she cheated on me and took me for about 23k before leaving me for some older rich guy). He basically turned it around, and said he couldn't believe I was choosing her over our friendship. He didn't even begin to apologize. Anyways, the guy has proved many times over the years to be a POS when it comes to this type of stuff. 

The guy has a LONG history of burning bridges with his D**k. This was not his first rodeo with this type of behavior, but I just never saw this coming because I could never see my ex with him. Then again, he's a pretty well off guy, and she has a thing for money, so I really should not have been so surprised that she's shacking up with a guy that she knows is a bit of a dirtbag that's also not the best looking on top of it. Why does this guy habitually go after his friends ex's? I can name about half a dozen cases of this over the last 10 years. Some resulted in burned bridges and others resulted in just a bit of animosity, but not a single time has he done this where nobody cared. 

 

What is the psychology of this behavior? This guy makes decent money (probably close to 200k a year). He's not a great looking guy but certainly not undatable. He's just very average looking. He should have absolutely no problems going out and hooking up with one of the thousands of single women in the city he lives in instead of actively pursuing women that are for the most part off limits if you're a normal well adjusted person. What's up with this guy?

[glows]

Some people just have a knack for poor taste. You can take a different path and move away from that. Don’t let your past hold you back. I’m talking about your ex-gf. You need to work on that anger and resentment. Money is immaterial. Move on from that. You can always make more.

What you do have now is your freedom so use it wisely and get on with your life. Meet a good woman if that’s what you would like. Put this behind you and forget them.

[Northwest79]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Some people just have a knack for poor taste. You can take a different path and move away from that. Don’t let your past hold you back. I’m talking about your ex-gf. You need to work on that anger and resentment. Money is immaterial. Move on from that. You can always make more.

What you do have now is your freedom so use it wisely and get on with your life. Meet a good woman if that’s what you would like. Put this behind you and forget them.

I've been over my ex for a long time. I could care less about anything she does and have been in another relationship for over a year now.

My anger is directed toward my friend because that's just such a low life move, and he has such a history with said behavior.

That's just an area that I would never go, so it blows me away when people engage in that type of behavior. It's just really disrespectful and in poor taste. You know, treat other the way you would like to be treated. This guy would die of a heart attack if I were shacking up with his ex wife "but that's different" according to him. It just seems so egotistical to me, which ultimately makes me angry because of the double standard.

[glows]

It’s egoistic both ways. You reacting like this is also over the top, if I may say. You’ve moved on with someone else so what they do isn’t your business. 

He as a person may be strange or off but you can make some adjustments and not consider him a close friend anymore.

[Northwest79]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s egoistic both ways. You reacting like this is also over the top, if I may say. You’ve moved on with someone else so what they do isn’t your business. 

He as a person may be strange or off but you can make some adjustments and not consider him a close friend anymore.

 

How on Earth is this egotistical on my part? Are you saying that I shouldn't have a problem with one of my childhood best friends dating my ex behind my back? Especially considering that he knows she's not a good person first hand from long conversations over a few drinks at 2am in the morning when he was going through his divorce at the same time I was going through my break up. That's super creepy. "Hey bro.......we're going to get through this together." "2 years later. hey bro......I'm trying to date that chick that completely screwed you over now." This isn't some guy I work with or something. This is a guy I grew up with. 

That's bananas unless you're one that engages in his type of behavior too. There's literally billions of women on this planet. For him to seek out and go after one of his best friends ex's is a total scumbag move. It's also very dangerous. People get killed over this stuff everyday. While I'm not a violent person, I can think of multiple guys I know that would have reacted far less calm and collective than I did. Who wants one of their best friends involved with a woman that knows every intimate detail of your existence. Someone you built a life with. Someone you've experienced every level of intimacy with. That's just so cringe. I couldn't even imagine.

 

[Mrin]

Busting out the unfair overly broad gender stereotyping brush here...

My take: Bro Code (at least in the US) says that once you are good and broken up with an ex (meaning sleeping with new women) then she's fair game. That's where he's coming from. 

Suggestion: just start calling him "Sloppy" as in "sloppy seconds" and that should disuade him. Bro Code also says that's a damn funny nickname that he earned but doesn't like which means it will stick.

Tangent: never confuse Bro Code with Girl Code on this issue. Girl Code is VERY different. Exes are always off limits for at least the new two reincarnations without express written approval obtained in advance and even with that it is still dicey. 

 

Mrin

[Acacia98]

The amazing thing to me is that you know he has a history of behaving this way but are surprised that he behaved this way. He is being who he is. If his general pattern of behavior goes against your moral code, then the best thing you can do for your own peace of mind is to distance yourself from him. 

Regarding the question of why he keeps doing this to friend after friend, I don't know. It would be one thing to date one or two exes of friends, especially seeing as you're in the same social circles and, well, people tend to date people they know and meet through friends. But making it a regular habit... that sounds unusual. I'd say he may envy these friends of his. And maybe dating their exes is his way of proving to himself that he's just as "good" as they are.

My opinion as to whether people should date friends' exes: Personally, I have never yet dated a friend's ex. It would have felt too weird, almost emotionally incestuous. But if I were to meet a really remarkable guy who was a good match for me and he happened to have dated my friend a few or more years before and that friend had since moved on, I would consider dating him. I wouldn't bother creating rules for other people to follow, though. 

We don't own people. Our exes can date whoever they choose to. Ditto our friends. None of them actually owes us an apology or an explanation if they decide to get together. However, you have every right to feel uncomfortable about it and to distance yourself from your friend. And a friend with an iota of emotional intelligence would understand that you were bound to feel uncomfortable about it and would respect that. Alternatively, he would let you know that he was attracted to your ex and wanted to date her or something along those lines to kind of prepare you emotionally for the fact that they would be together. 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Acacia98

[glows]

4 hours ago, Northwest79 said:

How on Earth is this egotistical on my part? Are you saying that I shouldn't have a problem with one of my childhood best friends dating my ex behind my back? Especially considering that he knows she's not a good person first hand from long conversations over a few drinks at 2am in the morning when he was going through his divorce at the same time I was going through my break up. That's super creepy. "Hey bro.......we're going to get through this together." "2 years later. hey bro......I'm trying to date that chick that completely screwed you over now." This isn't some guy I work with or something. This is a guy I grew up with. 

That's bananas unless you're one that engages in his type of behavior too. There's literally billions of women on this planet. For him to seek out and go after one of his best friends ex's is a total scumbag move. It's also very dangerous. People get killed over this stuff everyday. While I'm not a violent person, I can think of multiple guys I know that would have reacted far less calm and collective than I did. Who wants one of their best friends involved with a woman that knows every intimate detail of your existence. Someone you built a life with. Someone you've experienced every level of intimacy with. That's just so cringe. I couldn't even imagine.

 

Put some distance between him and you if you’re this upset. He is not a best friend. He’s a friend whom you’ve had a falling out with. The only person you’re hurting is yourself and possibly your relationship. What does your girlfriend think of this? 

It may be in poor taste or questionable but it’s none of your business. The unfortunate part is the more you react like this the less people want to be around you because you are volatile and controlling. Leave them alone. Pursue your own happiness.

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Northwest79 said:

The guy has a LONG history of burning bridges with his D**k. 

Unfortunately that's the bottom line with this guy. He's a snake 🐍.

[chillii]

8 hours ago, Northwest79 said:

How on Earth is this egotistical on my part? Are you saying that I shouldn't have a problem with one of my childhood best friends dating my ex behind my back? Especially considering that he knows she's not a good person first hand from long conversations over a few drinks at 2am in the morning when he was going through his divorce at the same time I was going through my break up. That's super creepy. "Hey bro.......we're going to get through this together." "2 years later. hey bro......I'm trying to date that chick that completely screwed you over now." This isn't some guy I work with or something. This is a guy I grew up with. 

That's bananas unless you're one that engages in his type of behavior too. There's literally billions of women on this planet. For him to seek out and go after one of his best friends ex's is a total scumbag move. It's also very dangerous. People get killed over this stuff everyday. While I'm not a violent person, I can think of multiple guys I know that would have reacted far less calm and collective than I did. Who wants one of their best friends involved with a woman that knows every intimate detail of your existence. Someone you built a life with. Someone you've experienced every level of intimacy with. That's just so cringe. I couldn't even imagine.

 

 

 

 

 

Known people that go after ex's , or insist on befriending gf's of their friends , real pet hate of mine that particular one.

l dunno , it's a kinda feeding of their friends thing and who knows what else goes on in their heads. Yep he is a snake , and l could well understand you upset about it after what happened between you.

[Northwest79]

14 hours ago, Mrin said:

Busting out the unfair overly broad gender stereotyping brush here...

My take: Bro Code (at least in the US) says that once you are good and broken up with an ex (meaning sleeping with new women) then she's fair game. That's where he's coming from. 

Suggestion: just start calling him "Sloppy" as in "sloppy seconds" and that should disuade him. Bro Code also says that's a damn funny nickname that he earned but doesn't like which means it will stick.

Tangent: never confuse Bro Code with Girl Code on this issue. Girl Code is VERY different. Exes are always off limits for at least the new two reincarnations without express written approval obtained in advance and even with that it is still dicey. 

 

Mrin

That's not what the "bro code is."

The bro code is not choosing women over friends. 

It means not ratting your friend out to his wife.

It means not cutting ties with a friend simply because your girl doesn't like him.

 

It certainly does not include things like not having a problem with a friend sleeping with your ex, your daughter, another friend's wife or any other woman in your circle that is completely off limits to them. That is a violation of the "bro code" because that is in fact THEM choosing a woman over friendship being that very few men are ok with these things. They knew before hand what the consequences would be, and your friendship wasn't as important as the sex they were pursuing. 

 

In this case, my friend knew that this was not going to go over well, which is why he hid it for 6 weeks. He probably knew what was going to happen and did it anyways. He may have been influenced by my ex who could have told him that I wouldn't care, which is complete BS, but she's selfish and has no obligation to be loyal to me. We're not even friends in the slightest, and I was very cold to her when she tried contacting me last, which probably didn't sit well with her.

[Northwest79]

6 hours ago, enigma32 said:

People who do this sort of thing do so out of envy or jealousy. He sees what you had with your ex and it made him envious. Now that you're broken up, he wants that for himself. It's also a way to compare himself to other people. He might even be asking these ladies for comparisons. "Am I better in bed? Is my d*ck bigger?" that sort of thing. 

This guy was a late bloomer. He didn't date in HS and really only started to interact romantically with women a few years after college when he started earning a lot of money (He's an attorney). He uses that money and his big home as leverage to date women that would otherwise be out of his league. That's how he got with his wife. She was 12 years younger than him, and after a few years of marriage when she got into her mid 20's, she started to run around on him. My ex (the one he's seeing now) said that this woman was going to crush my friend the first time she met her. I also remember having conversations with him and another friend several times before he met his wife about not getting serious with young beautiful women because they were probably only after his money.

 

I sorta think he has a lot of hidden animosity toward other guys in our circle because a lot of us back in HS including myself were getting laid, great at sports, going to parties etc. He was one of those guys that studied like mad and was driven to go places in this world (which he has), but he was always that awkward friend in the group when we were teenagers that was only part of the group because we were good friends in grade school and grew up in the same neighborhood. He really came out of his shell in college and eventually didn't come off as being awkward at all by the time he was in grad school because he finally had some confidence I think. 

 

Anyways, I think this could be a lot of why he's always been so hell bent on competing with his friends from his mid 20's. 

[stillafool]

You say he's shackin up with your ex.  Are they now living together?

[Miss Spider]

You know, it’s weird. I was going to ask a similar question. So far I’ve dated several of my exes’ friends and got quite “serious” with two.. to be honest I think it’s the familiarity and also they spend time liking you from a distance and get an idea or fantasy of what dating you would be like . You’re “safe” I guess but also the right amount of dangerous or “forbidden fruit” that makes it hard to resist. Maybe it’s like “ I shouldnt do this, but maybe it’s meant to be” a lot of guys are on. I don’t know but ive definitely notice my ex boyfriends’ friends swoop like vultures  afterwards to the point I can even get a chance to try and date someone else so I look like I’m doing it on purpose but no . 

Edited August 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

On 8/12/2021 at 5:51 PM, Northwest79 said:

What is the psychology of this behavior? 

Racoons go through people's tossed out garbage because they're hungry.🦝🧺

"Psychology" is too sophisticated a word for this. 

[ShyViolet]

On 8/12/2021 at 5:51 PM, Northwest79 said:

Why does this guy habitually go after his friends ex's?

How are we supposed to know?  We would only be guessing.  There is no point in trying to psychoanalyze this guy.  The best thing you can do is cut off the friendship, forget him and move on.