Should I respond to my ex's bait or keep ghosting him?

[Miss Spider]

Hello,

 

Long story short I broke up with my ex two months or so ago after briefly getting back together. For some reason, he told his friend who is one of the managers of the bar he plays music at that I broke up with him through text. She sent me a message through fb insulting me for what I did and intimated me into not going to another show there by saying she would strongly suggest not to as my ex was going first. So basically drama and I couldn’t go to a show that I was invited. So I messaged him and told him to enjoy himself but he is drama and never to speak to me again or have his trashy friends message me or it won’t be nice for them, 

 

He sent me this message like a week later: 

C,

I want to apologize for the drama I caused last week. I agree with you that I should not have told Christina about our private business. It was disrespectful and hurtful to share it with her and I knew there would be a response. People make mistakes and I take full responsibility for this one. This is not my MO. I DO regret this and I am sorry.

You have a book of mine, “The Cosmic Serpent”, maybe a t-shirt or two, and the bracelet (you’ve told me you’ve found it multiple times, but if it’s lost again, no worries.) I’m honestly not sweating any of these items…

I have your leather skirt, a red bow, your black pillow, an oversized fleece hoodie, and most importantly, a big Pharm-D book. My main concern is the book. CLEARLY you needed it at some point. If you don’t need it now, let me know. If you’ve replaced the book, let me know. Or, if you need it, let me know. I’ll drop it off. Just please, one of the three. 

[personal sappy stuff omitted]In the end, again, I loved every moment in time that we spent together. I want you to know that I do wish you well. 
With love,
 

——

 

it’s been a few days and I was initially so angry with him. I feel like he was doing what a previous ex did and trying to make me look like a heartless +***, because he knows why I broke up over txt. He knows how he is and that I had a perfectly valid reason 

 

. I don’t have his things, nor care about anything but the book, which was quite pricey ,$200) and I do think I can use even though it’s older. I don’t know why he can’t just send it through the mail like I suggested before  

 

Now that the anger has resided, should I message him back and make peace with him and get the stuff back. The only thing I’d that ghosting him and NC has made things easier for me and I don’t want to open any new cans of worms 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

Tell him to send the book in the mail. You will be repeating the same instructions you gave him the first time. 

In general exes who wheedle and have a silver tongue come across as slippery and repulsive after the fact so I’d have no interest in responding or “making peace”. I do that on my own time without that person’s aid. If he has shown himself for his true colours, peace was made light years ago. 

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Tell him to send the book in the mail. You will be repeating the same instructions you gave him the first time. 

In general exes who wheedle and have a silver tongue come across as slippery and repulsive after the fact so I’d have no interest in responding or “making peace”. I do that on my own time without that person’s aid. If he has shown himself for his true colours, peace was made light years ago. 

Agree. Thank you 💚🙏

Edited August 12, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

Is this the EX that you promised not to hurt but broke his heart any way?  

Cookies, I want to support you but seriously girl, your cowardice & refusal to be gracious to people by being straight with them is maddening.  IMO opinion people of integrity don't ghost or play games.  You do it all the time because you are too weak to be a stand up person.  

In your case, returning his stuff is the very least you can do.  You have caused this poor guy enough heart ache.  Nothing of yours that he has can't be easily replaced.  Don't put an extra burdens on him.  Offer to send a friend by do to the exchange if you like. 

[Pumpernickel]

I would also send a friend or do a mail exchange. Like @d0nnivainsaid. 
And read her post one more time. She’s right about standing up for yourself, and not being conflict avoidant & saying what you mean/meaning what you say. 

[Wiseman2]

Arrange a mutually convenient time to exchange stuff. Keep it clean and brief.

Then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Find other places to hang out.

[Miss Spider]

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Is this the EX that you promised not to hurt but broke his heart any way?  

Cookies, I want to support you but seriously girl, your cowardice & refusal to be gracious to people by being straight with them is maddening.  IMO opinion people of integrity don't ghost or play games.  You do it all the time because you are too weak to be a stand up person.  

In your case, returning his stuff is the very least you can do.  You have caused this poor guy enough heart ache.  Nothing of yours that he has can't be easily replaced.  Don't put an extra burdens on him.  Offer to send a friend by do to the exchange if you like. 

Ty donn. Same, but I wasn’t playing games, though. I ended it with him through a message because that what people advised me to do and also because I knew how he’d get if he did it in person. After I did it like that, then people proceeded to say “that was a terrible way to do it” but only after. I stand my my decision because he continued to ask my q’s then talk about me to others behind my back ( see OP) I only ghosted because as far as I’m concerned the conversation is over. I don’t need to keep explaining things over and over again, justify and defend myself,  which is precisely why I opted for letter.  People here always blame me no matter what.
 

I only have one of his things and I messaged him saying I appreciated his apology and I will meet with him to exchange or pay him to send it in the mail. He asked if appreciate means the same as accept. See why I go nc. Of course people do, but I can never do enough to make sure someone I broke up with is comfortable making me feel guilty and miserable 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

I get it.  He's one who twists stuff around.  I was one who said with him a BU via text was acceptable but if you remember I suggested you get your stuff, go for a walk with him & break up with him in person.  It's not about doing enough or feeling guilty.  You have to be true to yourself.  The issue is about being clear but sensitive.  You do what you can to preserve the other person's dignity.   

My overall point was broader.  You need to become better at these uncomfortable things.  It's part of growing up.  I still have to gear myself up when I am forced to fire somebody but I can't very well text them "You're Fired".  

[Miss Spider]

Thanks, agreed. He’s super manipulative. I’m meeting up with this ex sometime soon Bc he also told me he has some money for me that I left; so not going to sleep on that 

 

Wish me luck. hopefully I wont sleep with him. 

 

Just kidding. he’s gross at this point 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Oops

Edited August 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Okay so my ex did something really weak. I asked him if I can come outside to his work tmrw ( I always did this) before he goes in or to the place I know he’s going after and meet outside.. (I didn’t want to do it at first but he said has $400 of mine) I said I can come Sunday too just meet outside 

His response “ I can’t meet this weekend. I have things going on tomorrow and Sunday”

 

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

You can’t me outside to give meet outside for a sec to give me my $400. He’s so lame. 
 

So over this , 

 

ty all for the help 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[salparadise]

20 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I ended it with him through a message because that what people advised me to do and also because I knew how he’d get if he did it in person. After I did it like that, then people proceeded to say “that was a terrible way to do it” but only after. I stand my my decision because he continued to ask my q’s then talk about me to others behind my back ( see OP) I only ghosted because...

Ugh. Do you even realize how all of this sounds? You broke up by text, and then you vilify him for telling people what you did?  

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

Ugh. Do you even realize how all of this sounds? You broke up by text, and then you vilify him for telling people what you did?  

I think the point here @Cookiesandough was to maybe try and show a little humility and self reflection. Are you able to put yourself in his shoes? Just curious, if he posted his version here and said “she broke up with me via text” , what advice would you give him and what would you say about the woman who did that? 

If someone broke up with me via text (whether they felt it justified or not) it would make it pretty easy for me to see that person as low value. It’s the ultimate show of cowardice and emotional immaturity.  

You respect someone more for having the balls to tell you these things to your face, with compassion. As hard as it might be.  
Their reaction or how it makes you feel is the consequence of getting involved and the consequences of ending it with anyone, and that can’t be avoided. 
You changed one set of circumstantial outcome consequences for another.
     Had you done all this in person and got your things back at the time , you likely wouldn’t be made out to be the “bad” one, by him or his friend who messaged you. It would have just been a case of “we broke up”. 

I would give them their stuff back, but when it was convenient for me.(sooner rather than later tho). Not when they asked to meet me on my weekend time. By him not meeting you at your convenience,  that’s him showing that he respects himself. You know all this already tho. It’s just hard to detach ourselves from the situation and look at it objectively and logically when we are drowning in it ourselves. 

A suggestion- Your book - go and buy another one , so that you set the cost of that book off to learning a valuable lesson? 
You’re less likely to do the same things again when you’ve lost something and had to replace it. Whether that’s emotional or having to replace a physical item. You *could* use that as tool to help better yourself…I know I have before now. 
 

As I like to say - Through humility comes grace!
I have a lot of time for you so please don’t see this as an attack. I feel like I may have said some things that hurt and I feel guilty for that , but it’s said with your best interests at heart. I hope it reads like it’s meant to and hasn’t been lost in translation.  

Just a friendly little poke with the neutral-self-reflection stick, expanding on my interpretation of what D0ni has said. 

That’s probably the most brutally honest and caring answer you’re going to get from anyone here that knows you. 

On 8/13/2021 at 1:29 AM, d0nnivain said:

Is this the EX that you promised not to hurt but broke his heart any way?  

Cookies, I want to support you but seriously girl, your cowardice & refusal to be gracious to people by being straight with them is maddening.  IMO opinion people of integrity don't ghost or play games.  You do it all the time because you are too weak to be a stand up person.  

 

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

If someone broke up with me via text (whether they felt it justified or not) it would make it pretty easy for me to see that person as low value. It’s the ultimate show of cowardice and emotional immaturity.  

 

 

 

Ty for all the responses. I appreciate it , but with respect, this is because you are sane. My ex..not so much. I hate to be one to call my ex “crazy” ..,but yeah… you kind of have to get him to understand why I had to do it this way. 
 

ty guys 

[Miss Spider]

My message to my ex today 

 

Honestly, I know you see my message and you know you have 5 min somewhere this week for me to come* to you* anywhere to get my things and give you yours. 

If it’s worth it to you to steal the ticket money from me ( essentially what you’re doing) then you must need it more that I do, so don’t sweat that. But you really don’t need my pillow or my book you were *so* concerned about returning to me, do you? I’d appreciate that back, also would be more than happy to return your bracelet , your sunglasses ( I accidentally gave you my cheap ones and still have your expensive ones), your book, and a couple more tees and a henley.

If you don’t want to, that is perfectly cool too. I’m used to petty. I dated ****, remember? You were the one that suggested this. But I am done being strung along about these things. If you don’t get back to me tomorrow with a place and time you won’t be hearing from me again period and I’ll know your number 😀

 

 

 

—— 

 

Lame ***.  See what I have to deal with 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

I think he’s hoping you’ll be sweet to him and both of you can be pals but you don’t seem interested or ready for that (understandably). He’s an ex. You’ve offered to meet now twice so see how it goes. I don’t think he will end up meeting you because the tone is quite angry. 

I’m not saying you have to play nice. Some people belong firmly in the past and require no niceties or extras. You owe each other nothing except civility should you choose to. 

I hope you get your textbook back but realistically how valuable is it to your study or program if you’ve passed or finished that course? Would you need it for your licensing exam? 

[Miss Spider]

Him: JFC. I was going to send you this. I am trying to be as civil as possible while still acknowledging what our relationship was

I am too busy this week. Possibly *******’s after 9-10pm on Sunday is the best I can do. 

I’m not going to send anything to you through the mail even though it works for everyone else except you. I just hope you can understand  that. 

Take a second. Ultimately this week doesn’t work for me. 

This is not being petty. Please realize, as much as you’d like to think of me as **** 2.0, I’m not. Not that at all. 

 

I have your things & you’ll get them. I have a fair amount of money; you will get that too. 

You called me a thief and I’m not. 

 

_______________________

My eyes are rolling so hard at this point. So bro you don’t have a couple minutes for me to come to you to get my things. You are the pettiest mfer. Like what even is this game? All I know is I’m not playing. 
 

So I respond: I’ll meet you at ****** next Sunday. I’ll text you at 9z If you’re “too busy” now for me to come to you for 5 minutes to get my things and give you yours then maybe it’s destined not to be. I like these sunglasses and the bracelet anyway

 

I don’t even know why you mentioned that, but I had very little belief you’d give it back. 

But if you ever want your things back,  I hope you can clear out 3 minutes Sunday .See you then. 

 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

I think he’s hoping you’ll be sweet to him and both of you can be pals but you don’t seem interested or ready for that (understandably). He’s an ex. You’ve offered to meet now twice so see how it goes. I don’t think he will end up meeting you because the tone is quite angry. 

I’m not saying you have to play nice. Some people belong firmly in the past and require no niceties or extras. You owe each other nothing except civility should you choose to. 

I hope you get your textbook back but realistically how valuable is it to your study or program if you’ve passed or finished that course? Would you need it for your licensing exam? 

He says he has $400 of mine and clear out a couple minutes for me to come to him or mail it to me to give it back. How can he expect me to be pals and civil to him?

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

More bs 

 

He texts me: 

 

If you really believed I would steal your money then maybe you never knew me at all. 

All of the ******* money was in limbo until about a week ago. Look it up. It’s prob there. 

I know I gave you a reason to hate me with regard to Christina ( his friend he trashed me to) and most importantly, bc I think it truly changed everything, the conversation with ***** ( another friend he trashed me to, called me a narcissist  )

 

 I have never met this person. Remind yourself what what you were doing to me at the time this started. Holding a family heirloom from me and lying about it for 2 1/2 months.( he means his sister’s sweater that I had but didn’t have time to go out of my way to come get) 

Now tell me what you would do?

 

__________

 

this is my final response to this F boy

Me: If you’re really genuine about wanting to give me my things back, I’ll see you Sunday. I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but if you really want to be cool with people and return their things, you do so. You don’t even need to go out of your way. You can leave it a bag outside and I can do the same, ffs. 
 

Hope to see you Sunday. But I’m not holding my breath

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

I think he’s hoping you’ll be sweet to him and both of you can be pals but you don’t seem interested or ready for that (understandably). He’s an ex. You’ve offered to meet now twice so see how it goes. I don’t think he will end up meeting you because the tone is quite angry. 

I’m not saying you have to play nice. Some people belong firmly in the past and require no niceties or extras. You owe each other nothing except civility should you choose to. 

I hope you get your textbook back but realistically how valuable is it to your study or program if you’ve passed or finished that course? Would you need it for your licensing exam? 

I’m perfectly fine being pals with him. I’ll be his best friend if he just gives me my money

[Miss Spider]

Andddd here we go 

His text: 

It’s actually more than that. I would (have) like(d) to be able to pretend that we meant nothing to each other beyond amazing s*x. But I know this is not truth. I get that you used me. 

I know you read things that hurt you in my dialogue with ***** . But realize you read dialogue where I was confused as to who you were.  [try to put yourself in that place]

I let you read it. 

Everything changed after that. 

You talked about school. I was totally willing to give you that. 

It hurt a little bit harder when you said your parents would never approve. Wondering if I just a f*** boy to you? 

Why did you reach out to me again? 

Answer that question truthfully and then, maybe as you’ve requested, I will never contact you again…

I also know that im a convenient distraction for your anger bc it’s really insane. It’s dangerous, not only to you, but to others. 
 

 

——————————-

 

me: 

I wanted to be cool too. I would have no problem with that. But quit acting like I’m angry for no reason. First, I get attacked from nowhere by one of your friends to the point I feel uncomfortable about going to a show one of my friends invited me to. 

I let it go, then you come out of nowhere and say that you have stuff for me and want your stuff but don’t have 2 minutes for weeks to give it to me or have me come get it. Hmm. I don’t know why you think I was born yesterday. Like I said, I don’t know what kind of game that is, but I will not be a participant. You can come Sunday or you can f*** off for real and just be another bitter ex that just acts concerned about giving me my things back.

 

Also, this has nothing to do with the dialogue with *****. I couldn’t care less about that. 

If you ever want your stuff back you can just come on Sunday I’ll text you at nine. If not, that’s cool too but I’m not going to play this. Not cool. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

Just stick to the basics as you are about returning the items. If it doesn’t work out this weekend write off the items. It’s not worth it.

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

Just stick to the basics as you are about returning the items. If it doesn’t work out this weekend write off the items. It’s not worth it.

 

17 minutes ago, glows said:

Just stick to the basics as you are about returning the items. If it doesn’t work out this weekend write off the items. It’s not worth it.

Yep!! Thank you. I wrote this to him : 

Sorry for walls of text. Using voice to text and not proofreading,  so hope it’s intelligible

I have to sleep. In closing, I hope to see you on Sunday and I hope that we actually can be cool. Please know that I have things to do Sunday, but since this is your only window of possibly having two minutes all week, I am bending over backwards to accommodate you. I hope you show, but trust me, it’s no worries if you can’t because something’s comes up in your busy schedule and you choose to hold my things hostage ( think you’re the first who has done that? ). Forgive me, though, if I just continue on with my life and forget about all this petty bs after that though. 🤗
 

——————

 

I am totally willing to write off my $400 if he does not show but I am not going to continue to play his little game. Tysm @glowsYou’re the best!! 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

See how it goes, Cookies. I hope you get your things back and the cash. If he had true/good intentions from the start he’ll meet with you. I’d keep expectations low though. Go about enjoying the rest of the summer, what’s left of it before classes. Spend time with friends in the meantime and take your mind off of this. 

[Meerah]

On 8/13/2021 at 5:56 AM, Cookiesandough said:

Hello,

 

Long story short I broke up with my ex two months or so ago after briefly getting back together. For some reason, he told his friend who is one of the managers of the bar he plays music at that I broke up with him through text. She sent me a message through fb insulting me for what I did and intimated me into not going to another show there by saying she would strongly suggest not to as my ex was going first. So basically drama and I couldn’t go to a show that I was invited. So I messaged him and told him to enjoy himself but he is drama and never to speak to me again or have his trashy friends message me or it won’t be nice for them, 

 

He sent me this message like a week later: 

C,

I want to apologize for the drama I caused last week. I agree with you that I should not have told Christina about our private business. It was disrespectful and hurtful to share it with her and I knew there would be a response. People make mistakes and I take full responsibility for this one. This is not my MO. I DO regret this and I am sorry.

You have a book of mine, “The Cosmic Serpent”, maybe a t-shirt or two, and the bracelet (you’ve told me you’ve found it multiple times, but if it’s lost again, no worries.) I’m honestly not sweating any of these items…

I have your leather skirt, a red bow, your black pillow, an oversized fleece hoodie, and most importantly, a big Pharm-D book. My main concern is the book. CLEARLY you needed it at some point. If you don’t need it now, let me know. If you’ve replaced the book, let me know. Or, if you need it, let me know. I’ll drop it off. Just please, one of the three. 

[personal sappy stuff omitted]In the end, again, I loved every moment in time that we spent together. I want you to know that I do wish you well. 
With love,
 

——

 

it’s been a few days and I was initially so angry with him. I feel like he was doing what a previous ex did and trying to make me look like a heartless +***, because he knows why I broke up over txt. He knows how he is and that I had a perfectly valid reason 

 

. I don’t have his things, nor care about anything but the book, which was quite pricey ,$200) and I do think I can use even though it’s older. I don’t know why he can’t just send it through the mail like I suggested before  

 

Now that the anger has resided, should I message him back and make peace with him and get the stuff back. The only thing I’d that ghosting him and NC has made things easier for me and I don’t want to open any new cans of worms 

Since I am currently in this situation as your ex. I think it is better for you to reply,  if you need those things tell him to send it. If not, let him know.