Am I Asking for Too Much?

[Aa78653]

My fiancée and I have been together for a few years now and we've both decided on getting married. For the past year, our intimacy has all but stopped. She swears its nothing to do with me and that she loves me but she wants to now remain celibate until marriage. I can't take that. Has anyone experienced the same? I need help before I start well, you know...

[glows]

Before you start what? Breaking things off? Cheating on her? 

You should talk to her. Instead of shutting down the idea or arguing against it immediately, ask her what her reasons are. Aren’t you curious to know the reason or do you already know? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Aa78653 said:

 she wants to now remain celibate until marriage. I need help before I start well, you know...

Whenever there's a rhetorical question like this, it's right fighting.

Do you live together? Sounds like you're in a standoff.

She's sick of waiting for a commitment a so decided to cease having sex until that happens.

And now you want to cheat as a result.

Don't get married. You're not committed and this has devolved into mutual emotional blackmail.

Marry me or no sex vs. have sex or I'll cheat.

What a mess. Just end it.

[d0nnivain]

This is a harbinger of things to come.  It's one thing to skip sex the week before the wedding but this is an indication that you two have incompatible views on sex.  She doesn't get to make unilateral decisions like this without you.  

If there is a prayer of saving things you need pre-martial counseling ASAP.  Otherwise forget it.  Only marry her if you want a lifetime of no sex.  

[chillii]

lf she's doing it bc of why l think she is , l can sort of understand it. Maybe she really does want to save it , to make marrying even more special.

Mind you , could be wrong and after your married maybe she never sleeps with you again too. Sorry just putting it out there. Anyway , you understand and know each other very well don;t you, she can very easily just explain her thinking better, talk.

Edited August 13, 2021 by chillii

[ShyViolet]

What she's doing is unreasonable and strange.... it's not normal to have an active sex life for years and then one day decide that you're going to be celibate until marriage.  Something is not right here.  If your sex life is already dead, you should not marry this person.  That would be a mistake.  You are not compatible.

[Cookiesandough]

Ummm I don’t have anything useful to add besides postpone the wedding until you figure it out and/or agree on a life of celibacy or open relationship 

[spiderowl]

You say you've both decided on getting married: did you ask her to marry you or was this some sort of vague arrangement like 'we should get married sometime'?

It may be she's not as interested in sex as you, in which case you need to ask yourself whether that's the kind of relationship you want.

I suspect she is fed up of waiting to get married (and I feel you are only giving us part of the story on this) and she is withholding until you actually follow through and get married.

I think she's wrong to do this because she shouldn't marry you if you don't want to marry her.  She would be better off finding someone who does want to marry her.

You need to ask her what is happening here and to listen to what she says.

If you don't want to get married and have been dragging your feet, then tell her it's not for you.  She will then be free to find someone else.

[Caauug]

On 8/13/2021 at 11:17 AM, Aa78653 said:

For the past year, our intimacy has all but stopped. She swears its nothing to do with me and that she loves me but she wants to now remain celibate until marriage.

That's a load of crap.... It has everything to do with you. She wants her "Special Day" or wedding day where she gets to be the number one centre of attention in font of everyone. She doesn't care about your needs for affection, and will likely care less after the wedding. 

Can I ask how old the two of you are? Maybe 70yr olds or older? If not..... If you aren't getting the attention, who is? It wouldn't be the first time that one partner was in an affair when getting married to another....  What will be her next bright idea? Open marriage? She would never risk saying it before the wedding...

You are not married.... Time to end this before the big expensive wedding and then that divorce rape she will enjoy after.... Pack her bags and call the taxi.... If it's her place, pack your bags and leave. She's giving you an ultimatum, her way of no sex and a wedding, or leave. Take the leave, it will be cheaper and will show your strength that you will no put up with her games. 

Tell her "You can be celibate until you get married...  to someone else... " If you simp and put up with her games, this will not end. This will only show your weakness, this will lower her attraction toward you and she will play this again. 

This is a huge "Crap test" or she's entertaining some other man and getting you conditioned to be submissive to her. These actions do not show "Love" these actions show manipulation.

[elaine567]

Could this be a religious or cultural thing she has decided to practise before marriage?
Or is it her own personal quirky rule she has decided to follow or just that sex is not important to her, or not enjoyable and stopping it is somewhat of a relief to her??? Or has she fallen out of love? Or she is ill? In pain? Depressed... Stressed... etc. etc.
Communication is needed here.

The fact intimacy had run down, before this self imposed total celibacy, is not a good sign...
Little or no sex (with no obvious good reason) tends to get worse not better. If you do marry her, I guess you would be heading for a sexless marriage.