My 45 year old BF has dozens and DOZENS of pictures on his FB of his ex live in partner. Am I overreacting?

[howwouldiknownow22]

My boyfriend of 6 months had told me he and his last live in ex (they were together for 4 years and shared a house together) broke up about a year before we got together. 

Which made sense but what I didn't realize is that up until we met, friends told me that he continued to beg her back. About the time he met me ...she had also started dating someone else.

Well, they are still bickering on and off about legal issues to do with the house they shared together. I haven't said a whole lot... but recently wondered more about her. I had checked his Facebook and instagram before and I only saw one picture a long time ago.

He had told me he never really posted pictures of her because he wasn't all that proud of her. He said she was a bit wild etc. He has posted about 4 pictures of us on and off since we have been together.

But, I just saw that he has YEARS and YEARS of photos with her on all these fancy trips he took her on (many of which he told me he went alone with his kids). I actually just sat here crying looking at it all because everyone was commenting how beautiful she is/was etc. How they are the "perfect couple".

I think the fact that he lied and said he NEVER posted more than 3 or so pictures the entire time they were together...also is shocking and hurtful to me.  

I just feel very sad ..hurt...and probably jealous. And before I say something (possibly the wrong thing) to him.. I wanted an objective take on this. 

Would this hurt you if you saw DOZENS of "amazing" couple photos with his EX of 4 years...all over your boyfriend's Facebook page? 

[JRabbit]

3 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Would this hurt you if you saw DOZENS of "amazing" couple photos with his EX of 4 years...all over your boyfriend's Facebook page? 

It really depends....was he hiding them on purpose or is he just to dumb realize they are still there and visible?

I notice a lot of men don't delete old pics...if they aren't super technically inclined.  Are they one's he is tagged in or are they his albums?

It's like finding an old photo album of your bf with an ex, it hurts but he is with you now. Focus on that. Unless he lied, then dump his butt 😂

 

[d0nnivain]

The pictures are the least of your problems.   

He lied to you.  He told you he went on trips alone & now you find out he went with her.  What else is he lying about?  

If he's still talking to her & as soon as 6 months ago was begging for her to take him back, you are a rebound.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

It really depends....was he hiding them on purpose or is he just to dumb realize they are still there and visible?

I notice a lot of men don't delete old pics...if they aren't super technically inclined.  Are they one's he is tagged in or are they his albums?

It's like finding an old photo album of your bf with an ex, it hurts but he is with you now. Focus on that. Unless he lied, then dump his butt 😂

 

It's all in HIS album. He isn't just tagged.  He posted them all... and he really truly told me that he NEVER posted pictures of them together ...because he wasn't "proud of her"

This is CLEARLY the opposite.  I feel like I should say something..  right?  

[howwouldiknownow22]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The pictures are the least of your problems.   

He lied to you.  He told you he went on trips alone & now you find out he went with her.  What else is he lying about?  

If he's still talking to her & as soon as 6 months ago was begging for her to take him back, you are a rebound.  

 

Well, he would mention he went on trips before I met him..  and made it sound like he was alone or with his kids only.   The lie that really hurts is he said he never posted pictures with her...that's CLEARLY not true. 

[JRabbit]

Just now, howwouldiknownow22 said:

This is CLEARLY the opposite.  I feel like I should say something..  right?  

If it were me, I would but I am very direct.

You could go another route and go like them all 😂😂

Just kidding, don't do that.

Maybe just say, I was looking through old pics of yours and see there are a lot of photos of you and your ex. I could have sworn you mentioned you didnt have many.  See what he says.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 

Well, he would mention he went on trips before I met him..  and made it sound like he was alone or with his kids only.   The lie that really hurts is he said he never posted pictures with her...that's CLEARLY not true. 

Then he didn't lie.  You assumed . . .& we all know what happens when you do that.  

Again, the photos are not the problem.  I grew up & dated in an era before social media.  I have albums of actual pictures that include photos of old BFs even though I have been married for almost 13 years.  Those pictures & trips are part of my past but they shaped who I am today.  They represent good memories but they are no threat to my marriage.  I'm not going to dump my husband for some guy a dated for a few months in college or even the guy I lived with for 10 years but he & I had a life together for a decade.   Your BF had a life with somebody else.  They took pictures together which is very normal.   You'd think that in that year when she spilt from her before dating you he would have had time to save the photos to the cloud or a thumb drive or something.  You can ask him to do that now if you like but this is not the hill to die on.  

You really have to ascertain if you are just a rebound.  It does look like that from where I sit. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Then he didn't lie.  You assumed . . .& we all know what happens when you do that.  

Again, the photos are not the problem.  I grew up & dated in an era before social media.  I have albums of actual pictures that include photos of old BFs even though I have been married for almost 13 years.  Those pictures & trips are part of my past but they shaped who I am today.  They represent good memories but they are no threat to my marriage.  I'm not going to dump my husband for some guy a dated for a few months in college or even the guy I lived with for 10 years but he & I had a life together for a decade.   Your BF had a life with somebody else.  They took pictures together which is very normal.   You'd think that in that year when she spilt from her before dating you he would have had time to save the photos to the cloud or a thumb drive or something.  You can ask him to do that now if you like but this is not the hill to die on.  

You really have to ascertain if you are just a rebound.  It does look like that from where I sit. 

True..  very good point.  And the other thing that I realized is that the house that he owns (that he's asked me to move into) was fully decorated by her...   so if I moved in -- it would be like I was moving into HER home.  

I've stayed there a lot and now I realize how much of it was THEIR life.  It really bothers me now..  and it just hit me now after seeing their romantic life of trips and holidays together..   she has JUST bought all that furniture etc about a year before they split up.    

[howwouldiknownow22]

43 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

If it were me, I would but I am very direct.

You could go another route and go like them all 😂😂

Just kidding, don't do that.

Maybe just say, I was looking through old pics of yours and see there are a lot of photos of you and your ex. I could have sworn you mentioned you didnt have many.  See what he says.

Good point --  also, it is very clear to me now in the photos that ALL of the house that he lives in ...is her stuff.  He had told me he paid her for some of the furniture she bought the year before they broke up but now that I'm seeing things clearly -- his entire house was decorated by HER.  And it's ALL the same.  NOTHING has changed.  

And he's asked me to move into that house with him..  the house they bought together and she decorated.  I stay there for 4-5 days at a time due to my ability to work remotely etc...and now I'm a bit freaked out by it.  Is that strange of me to feel this way?  

[JRabbit]

I think it is perfectly normal and actually common.  If you don't live there now not much you can do, but if you moved in I would just straight up say - if Im moving in I want us to decorate together and make it more "ours"

Honestly some men just don't care about house decor etc and he probably just is comfy with how things are.

You can also bump into things and break an item every time you're there, eventually all her old stuff will be gone 😂😂

[d0nnivain]

You have only been together for 6 months.  It's too soon to think about cohabitation, especially since you are the 1st person he dated after her. 

Since he got the house itself, there are fewer reasons for him to be still talking to her.  It's one thing to send documents back & forth to transfer title / get her off the mortgage but you make it sound like they have actual conversations which include his desire to reconcile.  All the more reason you should not be considering living with him. 

If you do decide to live together, a new space seems to be on order.  Whether he feels it or not, you will always be haunted by the ghost of her in that building  It will eventually poison the relationship.  Still you are a long way from there.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have only been together for 6 months.  It's too soon to think about cohabitation, especially since you are the 1st person he dated after her. 

Since he got the house itself, there are fewer reasons for him to be still talking to her.  It's one thing to send documents back & forth to transfer title / get her off the mortgage but you make it sound like they have actual conversations which include his desire to reconcile.  All the more reason you should not be considering living with him. 

If you do decide to live together, a new space seems to be on order.  Whether he feels it or not, you will always be haunted by the ghost of her in that building  It will eventually poison the relationship.  Still you are a long way from there.  

I told him that I would like to talk to him this morning.  I feel that I need to be honest that this really bothers me.  1) He never had the photos public before -- not sure when it actually happened, but it wasn't that way a couple of months ago.  2). He clearly told me that he "wasn't proud of her" and he had joked that he posted more pictures with me in our first month than he EVER did with her in 4 years.   Clearly that is not true.   3) I think it's ok that I admit to him that it was hard seeing their romantic getaway photos ... after he always spoke of her with such disdain.  I never got the impression that their life was so amazing...with all the travel and amazing holidays.    It's ok for me to say this, correct?  I just feel very sad..   I didn't realize she was much of an issue, but now that I see all this... I do worry...   

[d0nnivain]

It's good for you to tell him how you feel.  Just don't attack him.  Ask where the pictures came from.  Ask why he told you he posted more pictures with you than her  given the # of photos. 

I really think you are rebound girl in his life so I'm not optimistic that this will end with you clearing the air & moving forward.  Still you have so speak up.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

My boyfriend of 6 months had told me he and his last live in ex broke up about a year before we got together. they are still bickering on and off about legal issues to do with the house they shared together.

A shrine to an ex is a huge red flag.🚩 Add to this you've only been dating 24 weeks.

Make no mistake, he wants to get back with her, that's what this is all about.

If you are looking for casual, fine, but do not invest too much because at best your a rebound or a placeholder until he gets her back or heals and moves on .

Stop talking at him. It's better to observe all the glaring red flags and just save yourself the headaches and heartaches ahead. Cut your losses and end it.

Edited August 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[howwouldiknownow22]

9 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I told him that I would like to talk to him this morning.  I feel that I need to be honest that this really bothers me.  1) He never had the photos public before -- not sure when it actually happened, but it wasn't that way a couple of months ago.  2). He clearly told me that he "wasn't proud of her" and he had joked that he posted more pictures with me in our first month than he EVER did with her in 4 years.   Clearly that is not true.   3) I think it's ok that I admit to him that it was hard seeing their romantic getaway photos ... after he always spoke of her with such disdain.  I never got the impression that their life was so amazing...with all the travel and amazing holidays.    It's ok for me to say this, correct?  I just feel very sad..   I didn't realize she was much of an issue, but now that I see all this... I do worry...   

What SHOULD he say?  I'm sure he will just say whatever he can to make me feel better and move on...   but how do I get clarity on this?  I am worried about this too now... you are right.  

[JRabbit]

16 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

3) I think it's ok that I admit to him that it was hard seeing their romantic getaway photos ... after he always spoke of her with such disdain.  I never got the impression that their life was so amazing...with all the travel and amazing holidays.    It's ok for me to say this, correct?  I just feel very sad..   I didn't realize she was much of an issue, but now that I see all this... I do worry...  

Personally I wouldn't drag this into it.  Do you really want to hear your bf telling you how amazing their life was and what fun they had?

He likely down played it to spare your feelings.

The other parts about the lying about the photos are valid, for sure and worth a conversation.

Edited August 13, 2021 by JRabbit

[notbroken]

So he's supposed to delete his entire life before he met you?  He had a girlfriend.  They went places.   He took pictures.  That was all before you met.  I just don't see the big deal here.  It seems unreasonable to expect him to have no life and no pictures before you met.  

 

[lana-banana]

The existence of the pictures is less important than the fact that he lied to you about them, as well as his relationship with her. There's a difference between downplaying the role of an ex in your life and just straight up being dishonest. Proceed with caution here; this could very well be a rebound situation.

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

What SHOULD he say?  I'm sure he will just say whatever he can to make me feel better and move on...   but how do I get clarity on this?  I am worried about this too now... you are right.  

He's supposed to politely tell you the truth.  The truth may hurt but it's still the truth.  As @JRabbit explaining minimization is OK; lying is not.  

You get clarity by asking Qs, listening to his response & body language (which is why this must be an in person face to face discussion not some BS texts) and then observing his actions in the next few weeks.  

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

My boyfriend of 6 months had told me he and his last live in ex (they were together for 4 years and shared a house together) broke up about a year before we got together. 

Which made sense but what I didn't realize is that up until we met, friends told me that he continued to beg her back. About the time he met me ...she had also started dating someone else.

Well, they are still bickering on and off about legal issues to do with the house they shared together. I haven't said a whole lot... but recently wondered more about her. I had checked his Facebook and instagram before and I only saw one picture a long time ago.

He had told me he never really posted pictures of her because he wasn't all that proud of her. He said she was a bit wild etc. He has posted about 4 pictures of us on and off since we have been together.

But, I just saw that he has YEARS and YEARS of photos with her on all these fancy trips he took her on (many of which he told me he went alone with his kids). I actually just sat here crying looking at it all because everyone was commenting how beautiful she is/was etc. How they are the "perfect couple".

I think the fact that he lied and said he NEVER posted more than 3 or so pictures the entire time they were together...also is shocking and hurtful to me.  

I just feel very sad ..hurt...and probably jealous. And before I say something (possibly the wrong thing) to him.. I wanted an objective take on this. 

Would this hurt you if you saw DOZENS of "amazing" couple photos with his EX of 4 years...all over your boyfriend's Facebook page? 

I think the pictures are much less of an issue than that you seem to be the rebound.  If I understand the timeline correctly, he was asking to get back together with her, then she started dating someone, so he started dating you.  At best, he still has feelings for her. At worst, he's just waiting to see if her current relationship sticks and, if it doesn't, will look to reconcile with her. Either way, it's unlikely his feelings for you are real or lasting.

It's unlikely he will admit to you being a rebound and only slightly possible he will acknowledge still having feelings for her.  The fact that he is rushing to have you move in suggests he is trying to paper over his feelings for her. I think it would be a big mistake to move in. Personally, I would re-evaluate whether this man is in a position to be in a serious relationship right now. 

[glows]

No, don't move in. Wait and see whether he's the kind of man you want to live with or if he's still stuck in his old ways or is too reluctant to start a new life with someone. This is all at your own discretion and a part of dating and observing someone. Take your time.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Would this hurt you if you saw DOZENS of "amazing" couple photos with his EX of 4 years...all over your boyfriend's Facebook page? 

As you said yourself, this isn’t the issue here. The real issue is that the pictures reinforce your insecurity that he continues to have feelings for the woman. As you have been advised, proceed with caution. 

Edited August 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

I don't know if 6 months necessarily makes you a rebound, but in your case I think that's possible from the other things you describe. I agree with the idea of taking this quite slow (ie, delaying moving in). There seem to be quite a few yellow flags (some might deem them red) sprouting up.

It MAY be that if she came back into his life he'd drop you in a heartbeat. There are folks like that floating around out there (not common, but certainly not unheard of). The fact he's ok with you moving in SEEMS to go against that. However, it's not at all clear. You probably need to suss out just how attached he really is to her.

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[ShyViolet]

Not everyone goes back and cleans out their facebook pictures from the past.  He might have forgotten that they were there.  You are overreacting and you need to stop obsessing over his past relationship.  It's in the past.  Everyone has a past and it's not your place to be retroactively jealous over it.  If it bothers you so much then stop going into his facebook pictures and looking at his old pictures from years ago.

And you've been dating this guy 6 months.... why are you even talking about moving into his house?  You shouldn't be thinking about that at this stage.  You are getting way ahead of yourself.

Hi might have left out details about past trips with his ex because it's awkward to talk about exes and he just didn't want to make you uncomfortable.  Frankly, vacations that he went on years ago with his ex are none of your business and it doesn't affect you now, so I'm not sure why you are obsessing over this one specific thing.  

Edited August 13, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Cookiesandough]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Not everyone goes back and cleans out their facebook pictures from the past.  He might have forgotten that they were there.  You are overreacting and you need to stop obsessing over his past relationship.  It's in the past.  Everyone has a past and it's not your place to be retroactively jealous over it.  If it bothers you so much then stop going into his facebook pictures and looking at his old pictures from years ago.

And you've been dating this guy 6 months.... why are you even talking about moving into his house?  You shouldn't be thinking about that at this stage.  You are getting way ahead of yourself.

Hi might have left out details about past trips with his ex because it's awkward to talk about exes and he just didn't want to make you uncomfortable.  Frankly, vacations that he went on years ago with his ex are none of your business and it doesn't affect you now, so I'm not sure why you are obsessing over this one specific thing.  

Yea this. I’m kind of confused. If he said he didn’t post pics of her, that could be the case. Are they just in a FB album that are not posted pics , then maybe. Maybe he had the pics in the album and didn’t clear them out.. I don’t go back and delete all the pics of my exes and me because I don’t give a s***