Anyone want to give me their thoughts? I could use some outside perspective.

[salmagund1]

Hi everyone!   

As you can see from a prior post I'm ten days broken up and ten days NC.   And ten days ruminating on the breakup and its causes and what I did wrong and what she did wrong and why did this happen and what the f***.   And ten days since I've slept more than a few hours at a stretch... 🙄

I did a lot wrong, and I'll write about it at some point.   I think the most positive thing in a breakup is to reflect on your responsibility rather than obsessing on the faults of your ex.   I think this leads to more positive growth.   Or whatever.

But as I get some perspective on the relationship and how it progressed...I start to see that I was a huge asshat to have missed what I think were some fairly significant signs that this was never going to work and was maybe even toxic.   Maybe if I tell what I mean, you all can give me some feedback?

 

So we met through mutual friends.   We hung out a few times as a group (outdoor Covid activities) and I could tell she was interested.   She never mentioned she had a boyfriend though.   My friends filled me in on that detail.  And then she also finally let it out and we hung out one on one as friends.    Or I guess more like 'friends'.    So I guess this is the first red flag.

 

We had undeniable mutual attraction but she never acted on it, beyond continuing to spend lots of time with me and remark on our similarities and how much fun it all was.   Then one day she said she needed to talk and we met up and she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend.   He, by the way, is the person she left her real boyfriend of 7 years for, 6 months ago.   So he's a rebound she tells me...but she had checked out a while ago.   She somehow convinces me that she is ready for a relationship because her relationship with her real ex had been basically platonic for the last 3 years of that relationship (her ex was her best friend and actually went back to being her friend.   We've all hung out together...weird eh?).    Second red flag (no space between relationships...)

 

We waited a week I think before the sexual tension overwhelmed us and we made out the first time.   Sex followed in short order.   about 3 or 4 weeks later we were official and she told me that even if it was fast, she didn't care...she wanted me to know she was in love with me... (third red flag?   this is moving fast...)

 

its been pretty since we started hanging out one on one that we text constantly.   f***ing constantly.   She texts in the morning and we chat.   I go to work.   She waits until last class is done (I'm a teacher) and texts me.   Maybe a break for dinner and then the rest of the evening we text (she lives next town over).    Finally she texts me good night.   Repeat next morning.   Now...our conversations flow, I'm loving the connection even though it is making it hard for me to focus on marking and class prep.   But by now I'm thinking "wow she's the one" so I go for it.   I'm walking on clouds.   (fourth red flag?   way to much communication/no boundaries?)

 

She wants to hang out all the time.   We see each other at least one night during the week when I can and the weekends.   If I need to work (I often need to stay at the school and work evenings and even weekends) she'll come and hang out in my class and do her work.   Its fun.   My gut says maybe we're seeing too much of each other...but if it feels good then what am I going to do...invent a reason to not see her just to artificially make space?   I want to see her as much as she wants to see me... (fifth red flag...overexposure)

 

I meet the family and she meets my friends (lots of our friends are in common anyway).   Her parents love me and all is well....until...

 

First I noticed that she would sometimes annoy me a little bit by being kind of controlling.   But over seriously the stupidest things.   I use too much dish soap when I wash my dishes.   She hates my tuque (I love my tuque).    My favourite pair of pants, she doesn't like.   I have a couple of framed posters of photography shows I've done at a local café...she tells me its egocentric to hang those in my apartment.    Its not all at once, and she still loves me plenty and never fails to say so...but I note it...

 

I don't remember when it first happened, probably around mid June (6 months in about).   She started getting more critical.   Not directly but just...remarks that were subtle but cutting.   I called her out on once and she apologized and hugged me and told me that its just her 'character' and that "usually I get better as the relationship goes on..."   Phew I guess...    But she increasingly becomes grouchy and agressive interspersed with a lot of declarations of love and whatnot...it starts to look like a roller coaster from my end.    I never quite know what to expect when we meet up.   Sometimes everything is great.   Sometimes she's...moody and grumpy.   And when I say grumpy like I will always remember how her eyes narrow, she grits her teeth and glowers when, for whatever obscure reason, something annoys her.   It could be anything.   Increasingly its me.   

 

Even in the last week of our relationship she went from telling me I was an amazing person that she was lucky to be with and all her friends said so...to being broken up with because she needs to be alone because "she's never not been in a relationship."   Well...fair enough...!

 

Is any of this normal?   Or did I dodge a very large bullet?   I really can't tell....🙄

(thanks for reading, sorry its so long...  )

[kendahke]

It sounds like  both of you engaged in love bombing each other because you were too invested in who you wanted the other person to be too soon in your involvement. As with most bombs, they explode and leave destruction in their wake.

next time, give the relationship the time to unfold instead of manipulating it with words that don't have the emotion/psychology behind it to go the distance.

constant sex is nothing but constant sex--it doesn't mean you two are right for each other for the long haul--just for right now while you've got fever.

[salmagund1]

Yeah I see your point...I actually would have loved to have gone slower and taken my time...but she was in a big hurry and I got a bit love drunk and lost perspective and got carried away with it.   Because it felt great until it all went sideways...

But I definitely am responsable for becoming a bit (or a lot) codependent in this relationship...especially as she started to go cold...

If I could go back I would have slowed things down (and I did try, a bit 🙄), taken my time and gotten to know her better before getting in so deep.   But thats hindsight, right...?

[glows]

Now you know better. It's good to reflect. As an art lover, I'm into all things photography, carvings, material culture and other exhibits. I recall my ex at the time also being shy about putting his work up but I told him to and encouraged him to be proud of his work. I think you were with someone who was just moving at breakneck speed. It was bound to get tangled and fall apart eventually at the speed this was going. 

Be proud of your work.

[salmagund1]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Now you know better. It's good to reflect. As an art lover, I'm into all things photography, carvings, material culture and other exhibits. I recall my ex at the time also being shy about putting his work up but I told him to and encouraged him to be proud of his work. I think you were with someone who was just moving at breakneck speed. It was bound to get tangled and fall apart eventually at the speed this was going. 

Be proud of your work.

Thank you Glow!   I made it pretty clear to my ex that the posters were staying