How to deal with ex who has different reality/version of events.

[wolvee7]

Forgive me because this is long but I feel like I have to go into detail to try give an accurate representation of events.. I'm 31 and he's 39.

During our first 4 years together (I was 21 when we met), sometimes I would read too much into situations and get jealous and insecure and start arguments with him. There were a couple times that I’m sure I wasn’t even in the wrong. Like when he ended up kicking me out while two other female friends were still there because I thought he kept trying to get out of bed when he thought I was sleeping, and glancing back at a girl who was sitting in the back seat in his rearview mirror over and over again and him saying I imagined it. Stuff like that. This is no longer an issue but he always brings it up as though I deserve to be treated like this now because of how I was over 6 years ago. I begged him for forgiveness any time it happened (probably about 5 times) and I went to therapy, I was even on antidepressants for awhile. I went to group therapy for healthy relationships (by myself I might add). I’ve read books about it, I’ve done my part and I’ve changed. But now I feel like if a night is going well, HE will start a fight and then lie and tell me I started it and say I was so drunk and think I don’t remember the whole time. I remember each time and I know for a fact he will brush me aside at events and then if a guy talks to me, he’ll get mad at me. SO basically I’m not allowed to talk to anyone but he can. He says if I ever talk to another guy, I’m trying to make him jealous and trying to get attention.

Some more things to add:

- He now has been unemployed for 2.5 years since January 2019 when he was laid off (4th stretch of unemployment – he’s worked a total of 3 years of the 9 years we have been together).

- Has gone for 1 interview in the last month in these 2.5 years but turned it down because he said his “Truck isn’t working” (it is)

- Girls were in daycare for 3 full days/week for the 1st year of his unemployment, then went down to 2 days/week for a year. There was about a month during COVID where daycare shut down and he was with them fulltime. They were in daycare full time from December 2020 to July 2021 because I left him and moved out with my parents. He didn’t ask to take them very often -once every couple weeks maybe.

- On two occasions where I lived with my parents and it was a weekend, if my location on snapchat was off or he could see I wasn’t home, he would call and say he wanted to talk to the girls (knowing I wasn't home or was out with friends but wanting to "catch" me out because he would always be annoyed when I said I wasn't home).

- Doesn’t invite me to go hang out with his friends even though I always invite him around my friends.

- For some stupid reason I let him guilt me into sort of getting back together back in May (I moved out with my daughters to my parents house in December last year). Even though I moved out, I was still transferring $650.00 and paying his cable and internet because he doesn’t work until April when he told me to stop paying it. I stopped paying it and then in late May, all of a sudden he was messaging me a lot seeming like he wanted to work on things. So I started hanging out there and sending him money again and buying groceries etc.

It was my friend’s wedding a few weeks ago. I told him (my ex/whatever he is/father to my two little girls) what time he needs to be ready so we can go and be on time (he is late a lot and always seems to rush last minute for things). I got ready at my parents house as I had to drop them off anyway to be babysat- he had 2.5 hours from the time I left until the time I was picking him up to be ready). I get there at the agreed time and he is frantic and rushing around, seems angry. I am patiently waiting, not rushing him and go sit on the couch and wait. When I go to see what he’s doing he says that I need to start thinking of people other than myself because when I left I didn’t leave enough toilet paper, apparently there was one sheet and I almost vividly remember there being half a roll when I left because I wouldn’t leave just one square. I say maybe it was one of our kids because I remember there being half a roll when I left. He says no it was me he knows it was me and he got stuck on the toilet with no toilet paper and got s*** everywhere going out to the closet to grab some and then had to have a shower again. He then calls me inconsiderate and that I only think of myself. I say stop trying to start a fight before an event you always do this before an event and he slams the door so then I’m mad and slam the door to outside to go sit in my car for a minute. When I go back in, he’s rushing but finally comes out. Complaining about his hair not being right and swearing and slamming stuff around. The whole drive out there he seems annoyed and anxious.

So, we get to the event and I actually enjoy myself despite a few things:

- I introduce him to everyone we bump into who I know but he doesn’t. He sees one girl he knows there and is excitedly saying hi an making small talk but doesn’t introduce me (whatever I let it go and don’t really give it much thought but feel a little hurt)

- While there was a break after the ceremony, I asked my sister (she was working the wedding) if she could take a picture of him and I together beside a pretty set up. He said “why, so we can pretend we’re good?” in a scathing tone. She even mentioned it later and said she thought it was rude and uncalled for.

- He told me he was trying to get my sister to make out with the other bartender who has a girlfriend that my sister is friends with because he thinks its funny. I told him it’s not funny that he has a girlfriend and to quit it but wasn’t angry, didn’t let it ruin my day or anything and just let it go.

- He locked his keys in the car at about 11:00pm and my purse and set of keys were also in the car. He wasn’t taking it out on me but he was really upset with himself and I told him it’s not a big deal, let’s call AMA and if we can’t get AMA out here we’ll wait until the morning and we could sleep in someone’s trailer if needed. Well he just wouldn’t let it go and every time I tried to come see how it was going he told me to “go have fun” but when anyone else approached him to try to help he didn’t tell them to go away or go have fun. I tried to help him get in the car holding the flashlight while he used a coat hanger and even though he let multiple other people hold the flashlight, within 10 seconds of me holding it he said “you’re not helping just go away. Go have fun”. Finally AMA called back and they were going to come out so I said I would go hang out with him at the side of the road to wait and he said NO he doesn’t need me there go have fun. I didn’t want to leave him alone to deal with it but he kept telling me to go away.

Once he did get in the car, he went to the bar and I tried to go approach him and he was acting like I wasn’t there. I tried talking to him and he just seemed angry at me and then went off to the car so I went there to try and get him to come back and he AGAIN said “go have fun I’m fine”” so finally I said “why don’t’ you want me around you?” this is after being told repeatedly for 12 hours to “go have fun” and him being off doing his own thing repeatedly all night. He says “Oh here you go, you’re drunk and starting another fight”. He ended up leaving but not after sending me multiple raging texts and trying to call and in these texts saying thanks to me for ruining another night out. I found out later he was calling me "b--tch face" behind my back at the beginning of the day almost right when we got there, and I wasn't even being angry or anything I was having fun enjoying myself! When i asked him why after I found that out, he lied and said I was mad about something. I wasn't! I remember the whole day!!

After the event that happened a couple weeks ago, I’m back at my parents. He is telling me that I have emotionally manipulated him for years and that I treat him like garbage. He said his therapist told him I’m manipulating him with financial assistance and that he needs to distance himself from me. He keeps saying he wants us to be together and he loves me but I honestly feel trapped because he does not seem to love and respect me, he is always unemployed and he's angry probably 5 out of 7 days per week. I hate feeling like this. He was messaging me this morning telling me he can’t sleep and his doctor said he’s having a mental episode and in a state of panic. He has told me almost every day for thelast 5 years that he "didn't get any sleep" because he's always up all night. I feel like he’s blaming me for that. He also said that I have now f---d him over so much that he will never recover from it financially. Why, because I’m not willing to pay for his bills for the rest of my life??

Am I wrong here? What is going on here? Why does he do this? If he even just pretended to be nice to me I would still be a sucker paying toward a house that isn’t even in my name but he can’t even pretend to be nice to me but loves me?

I know this is all over the place.. I needed to vent.. I want to know why I feel like I’m going crazy, can’t focus at work, I’m having the worst year of my life and he insists it’s all my own doing. That I’m crazy and manipulative and I gaslight him and treat him like garbage, he’s some battered partner.

This isn’t healthy and I need to escape him but I don’t want to feel like it’s my fault if he loses his house and everything he owns and has a deep depression or hurts himself. He makes cryptic remarks and I feel like he’s trying to trap me into staying because he knows I’m sensitive and insecure. And goes around telling his family and therapist that I’m manipulating him and treating him bad. What do I do? I’m so lost.

Edited August 13, 2021 by wolvee7

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, wolvee7 said:

I don’t want to feel like it’s my fault if he loses his house and everything he owns and has a deep depression or hurts himself. goes around telling his family and therapist that I’m manipulating him and treating him bad. 

You need to stop playing mother, therapist and welfare department for him.

He's a grown man and has a therapist. He's a user and you know it.

Just delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. There's no need to subsidize a parasite like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, wolvee7 said:

I don’t want to feel like it’s my fault if he loses his house and everything he owns and has a deep depression or hurts himself.

That would be entirely his fault. 

His fault for being a mooch, a freeloader, an emotionally-manipulative, immature jerk and general trainwreck. If he threatens to hurt himself, call emergency services immediately. This grown-ass baby has been taking full advantage of you and mistreating you for years. Whatever BS he might spew to his family and friends thereafter is not relevant, because you know its not true. You assign way too much importance to what everything else thinks, and way too little to your own well-being. 

You are only trapped by own lack of a backbone, really. But the very fact that you're posting here is the first step towards recognizing that you are not responsible for him, and you deserve better than this chump. After you offload him, I would strongly encourage you to consider counseling. There's inner work to be done to understand where, why and how you became this codependent. 

[d0nnivain]

What you do is stop enabling him.  You assume that he will twist everything around & you let that roll off your back because you anticipated it.  

He's the father of your child so you don't stick them in the middle.  You tell them he loves them & you ignore everything else as though he simply doesn't matter.  

He's a grown man.  Let him sink or swim on his own.  

[glows]

It’s about time it all ends. Let it end now. Don’t let him brainwash you into thinking it’s your fault. He’s been living this way and irresponsible for his own affairs and responsibilities for years. 

[BaileyB]

Question: How to deal with ex who has different reality/version of events?

Answer: Walk away. It does not matter if you put some distance between you and stop communicating with the individual.