Affair with a serial cheat

[jojo399]

I have got myself in to a bit of a quandary…

I started having an affair with a co-worker 1.5years ago. I was married at the time (now separated, but not because of the affair). He is married with a family. I have known him for years and know of several other work related affairs he has had. All of the other women have moved on to other jobs except one. She is quite obsessed with the guy…to the point where she harasses him with constant emails and messages and threats of outing their relationship to his wife and to managers within the company because their affair is now over.

My guy slowly distanced himself from her, told me he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her, all the while telling me he loved me and our relationship is different to any other he has ever had. 
He has since started allowing her back in to his life at her request saying she just wants to be friends. I asked him to tell me if she wanted to get back in contact with him and he swore he would. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t tell me. 

I’m unsure what to do next. On one hand I am happy with how our relationship was going in so far as I don’t want or expect him to leave his family for me and I enjoy the fun we have together. I have feelings for him and believed him when he said he had for me. On the other hand, he has lied to me on several occasions about this other woman. He regularly accuses me of being attracted to another one of our co-workers and keeping secrets from him, which I am not. 
 

Should I chill out, lower my expectations of him and carry on getting mine from our cheeky affair? Or should I throw the baby out with the bath water and tell him where to go because of all his lies?

Normal relationship rules don’t apply in these circumstances and it’s an interesting pickle to be in!

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, jojo399 said:

I’m unsure what to do next. It’s an interesting pickle to be in!

What attracts you to a man who you know to be a hypocritical, dishonest, and untrustworthy human being? 

Seriously, this isn’t his first rodeo and it won’t be his last. I’m not even going to mention the fact that you are having your fun at his wife’s expense  because that doesn’t seem to factor into your decision making in any way and let’s be honest, she would do well to learn the truth and walk away from this guy… I will just ask, is this really what you want for your life - to be one of many? To have a jealous married man in your life who accuses you of sneaking around when in truth, he’s doing exactly that himself! Why would you ever tolerate that from any man? 

You may be unsure what to do but I would not - I would rather be single until my dying day than involve myself in a workplace affair with a man who is cheating concurrently with more than one woman. There is nothing so special about any man and I would never dishonour myself in this way, 

Edited August 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

You are, unfortunately, just another notch on his belt. 

He knows just what to say to keep you hooked, but you are evidently no different from all his other affairs. He doesn't love you, so you would be best not to believe that nonsense. Because he's experienced with this, he simply knows that utering the word "love" will work with some women to make them think they're special. But if he actually loved you, well, this would all look very different. He loves your attention and knowing you and this other OW (because that affair hasn't stopped, I guarantee you) both want him, but he doesn't love anyone but himself. You and she and both being played for fools. 

So, definitely throw out the baby with the bathwater. You're just one of many office affairs, not different or special like he tells you.

And really, girl, why would you want this scuz-bucket anyway? He's gross. 

Edited August 14, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

The happiest OWs are those who never get involved and treat the MM like a FWB.
Take what he has to offer, expect nothing more, and accept it may be over in an instant.

All the rest are in some state of unhappiness and insecurity.
Despite your claims to be only in it for fun, you have feelings for him and thus NEED him to reciprocate...
You chose the wrong MM for that.
Walk away is my advice.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jojo399 said:

He is married with a family. I have known him for years and know of several other work related affairs he has had.

Ok. Go to work in order to work. Why waste your time, energy and life on the office wolf?🐺

Perhaps your bad marriage/divorce put you in a bad enough place to tolerate someone like this for a while.

Now you're seeing what a creep he really is🤡. End it and date decent honest single men outside of work.

[jojo399]

A common theme to the advice! I think deep down I know he is a piece of work....a very clever one lol. It’s rich coming from me (since I was cheating on my husband before the end of the marriage, but it was my first offence your honor) but how can I expect a man who has been cheating on his wife for over 10years to have any kind of loyalty to me....I really know how to get myself in a pickle!

[jojo399]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

The happiest OWs are those who never get involved and treat the MM like a FWB.
Take what he has to offer, expect nothing more, and accept it may be over in an instant.

All the rest are in some state of unhappiness and insecurity.
Despite your claims to be only in it for fun, you have feelings for him and thus NEED him to reciprocate...
You chose the wrong MM for that.
Walk away is my advice.

Wise words....are you speaking from experience?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, jojo399 said:

I think deep down I know he is a piece of work....a very clever one lol

Is he, though? He sounds like a run-of-the-mill cheater who uses the oldest tricks in the book. 

Regardless, maybe ask yourself why you enjoyed his attention so much. Are you a little thirsty for male company and attention at the moment? Because sometimes when we're thirsty, even a mud puddle can appear like clear sping water. What exactly is attractive about him? His looks, or?

9 minutes ago, jojo399 said:

how can I expect a man who has been cheating on his wife for over 10years to have any kind of loyalty to me

That's an interesting question worth asking yourself again. By virtue of the fact that he is married, he cannot be loyal to anyone but his wife. You are the one (of the ones) he is cheating with, not on. Loyalty is for the woman he made a vow and commitment to. 

2 hours ago, jojo399 said:

I have feelings for him and believed him when he said he had for me.

This is your big mistake. You can't believe anything this twerp says. He's a known, experienced, and habitual liar. Worse than most MM, if he's been at this for a while and with multiple different women in the same workplace. That last part makes him feel like a stud, believe me. You're catching the feels for him while he's probably bragging to his Scuz Sqaud that he bags all sorts of women at the office, and "wow, look at all these chicks who want me, lolz."

Seriously, jojo. Do better. This guy is a loser. 

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, jojo399 said:

how can I expect a man who has been cheating on his wife for over 10years to have any kind of loyalty to me....

You can’t. He’s already proven that to you - in more than one way. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Worse than most MM, if he's been at this for a while and with multiple different women in the same workplace. That last part makes him feel like a stud, believe me.

To the women who want him, he’s a stud too.
To the men and women who don’t, he’s fodder for the office gossip mill. He’s a joke. 

[jojo399]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is he, though? He sounds like a run-of-the-mill cheater who uses the oldest tricks in the book. 

Regardless, maybe ask yourself why you enjoyed his attention so much. Are you a little thirsty for male company and attention at the moment? Because sometimes when we're thirsty, even a mud puddle can appear like clear sping water. What exactly is attractive about him? His looks, or?

That's an interesting question worth asking yourself again. By virtue of the fact that he is married, he cannot be loyal to anyone but his wife. You are the one (of the ones) he is cheating with, not on. Loyalty is for the woman he made a vow and commitment to. 

This is your big mistake. You can't believe anything this twerp says. He's a known, experienced, and habitual liar. Worse than most MM, if he's been at this for a while and with multiple different women in the same workplace. That last part makes him feel like a stud, believe me. You're catching the feels for him while he's probably bragging to his Scuz Sqaud that he bags all sorts of women at the office, and "wow, look at all these chicks who want me, lolz."

Seriously, jojo. Do better. This guy is a loser. 

I wanted attention and love since both were absent in my marriage. He is a very charismatic guy and he tried for a while to get me. He is very attentive, likely because he requires a lot of attention himself and needs to feel wanted. He was quite proud of the fact he won me over and regularly claims glory for bringing me out of my shell and turning me in to some sort of vixen from the boring straight-laced person he knew before. 
 

I feel sorry for his wife. He cheated with another girl while they were trying for a baby and during her pregnancy, by the time the baby was born he and I had begun our fling. But I like your point that his loyalty is not to me, it’s to her. 
 

I guess my problem now is figuring out how to bounce back from this....I feel so stupid
 

 

[jojo399]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To the women who want him, he’s a stud too.
To the men and women who don’t, he’s fodder for the office gossip mill. He’s a joke. 

This is true....I was once one of the gossipers before I went to the dark side

[jojo399]

I am new to this site (and any forum like this) but I really appreciate the responses. 
 

Please tell me there are others out there who have made mistakes like me and were also left feeling like prize idiots? How on earth do you forgive yourself for getting in to this mess in the first place?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, jojo399 said:

Please tell me there are others out there who have made mistakes like me and were also left feeling like prize idiots? How on earth do you forgive yourself for getting in to this mess in the first place?

I haven't had an affair with a MM before, but believe me, I've been some real winners in my time. 

I simply recognize that I made some foolish choices, thought about why, and used that to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I also distanced myself from those guys, which will be harder in your case as you work together. But you can absolutely put a stop to this, and communicate only when necessary for professional reasons.

Keep in mind your reputation at work too - you will do better for yourself by becoming on the women who said, "Yeah,no, this guy isn't good news" and walked away. 

[BaileyB]

Poor woman, she has children with this guy. There is nothing worse than a man who cheats on his pregnant wife. She is home, caring for his child, and he is chasing the skirts at work. 

I would suggest to you jojo that you recover from this by using it as a learning opportunity. Take a break from dating for a while and find your own happiness. Use this as an opportunity to make better decisions for your life - it is a new start, build a life of which you can be proud! Good luck. 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, jojo399 said:

Should I chill out, lower my expectations of him and carry on getting mine from our cheeky affair? Or should I throw the baby out with the bath water and tell him where to go because of all his lies?

Speaking genuinely open-mindedly, since you don't seem to mind sharing him, I think the issue of what he does with others is not an problem for you?

However, I think that if you hang around she may eventually try to draw you in to the "drama".  IF you're in a workplace that has a policy against workplace relationships or there is an "unspoken rule" there would be the risk of possible negative impacts at work if you continue. That risk is there anyhow - rumor mill, etc, but very clearly you were aware of such things when you started. So the main risk would be if she (or possibly the wife) gets jealous and finds a way to impact your career negatively.

IF you have fallen in love or similar and want him for yourself THAT will be an (emotional) issue for you as likely you won't be able to fully have him. We get a lot of that around here. MM's rarely leave their families - I've seen a number of 10% quoted recently here and that probably includes those where the wife decided to divorce them. So perhaps 5% that leave for the OW.

Edited August 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[DingDang]

I think you're in danger of the other OW outing not only him, but you. One should never poop where one eats. 

Quote

How on earth do you forgive yourself for getting in to this mess in the first place?

By doing your best from right now forward. Maybe it's time to look for a new job.

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, jojo399 said:

I have got myself in to a bit of a quandary…

I started having an affair with a co-worker 1.5years ago. I was married at the time (now separated, but not because of the affair). He is married with a family. I have known him for years and know of several other work related affairs he has had. All of the other women have moved on to other jobs except one. She is quite obsessed with the guy…to the point where she harasses him with constant emails and messages and threats of outing their relationship to his wife and to managers within the company because their affair is now over.

My guy slowly distanced himself from her, told me he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her, all the while telling me he loved me and our relationship is different to any other he has ever had. 
He has since started allowing her back in to his life at her request saying she just wants to be friends. I asked him to tell me if she wanted to get back in contact with him and he swore he would. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t tell me. 

I’m unsure what to do next. On one hand I am happy with how our relationship was going in so far as I don’t want or expect him to leave his family for me and I enjoy the fun we have together. I have feelings for him and believed him when he said he had for me. On the other hand, he has lied to me on several occasions about this other woman. He regularly accuses me of being attracted to another one of our co-workers and keeping secrets from him, which I am not. 
 

Should I chill out, lower my expectations of him and carry on getting mine from our cheeky affair? Or should I throw the baby out with the bath water and tell him where to go because of all his lies?

Normal relationship rules don’t apply in these circumstances and it’s an interesting pickle to be in!

Your post header to me says it all. Serial cheat. Think about what a serial cheat really is? Why would you want to be involved with a guy like that? 

[Luna66star]

Been there.  Are you by chance feeling a little jealous & possessive that he's giving attention to the other co worker?

I'm asking this because it happened to me and I went crazy with jealousy even tho we were not officially dating. Only fooling around. He got tired of me I'm guessing but players usually do at some point.

Of course I made a fool of myself and began chasing plus getting obsessive. Was this other co worker better than me, prettier, better in bed, etc? Not sleeping and having problems at work prevailed in my life.  What a mess!!

I finally made a decision that this creep was just not worth all the hell I was going through.  I almost lost my job because it drove me so crazy.

I no longer speak to him and dread ever running into him again at work. My plan is not to make any eye contact with him ever again.

Please move on with your life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Your post header to me says it all. Serial cheat. Think about what a serial cheat really is? Why would you want to be involved with a guy like that? 

there's no real difference between a serial cheater and someone who s cheating "for the first time". The logic behind the choice is the same.

[Luna66star]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is he, though? He sounds like a run-of-the-mill cheater who uses the oldest tricks in the book. 

Regardless, maybe ask yourself why you enjoyed his attention so much. Are you a little thirsty for male company and attention at the moment? Because sometimes when we're thirsty, even a mud puddle can appear like clear sping water. What exactly is attractive about him? His looks, or?

That's an interesting question worth asking yourself again. By virtue of the fact that he is married, he cannot be loyal to anyone but his wife. You are the one (of the ones) he is cheating with, not on. Loyalty is for the woman he made a vow and commitment to. 

This is your big mistake. You can't believe anything this twerp says. He's a known, experienced, and habitual liar. Worse than most MM, if he's been at this for a while and with multiple different women in the same workplace. That last part makes him feel like a stud, believe me. You're catching the feels for him while he's probably bragging to his Scuz Sqaud that he bags all sorts of women at the office, and "wow, look at all these chicks who want me, lolz."

Seriously, jojo. Do better. This guy is a loser. 

Spot on here.  You can bet he's telling all his work buddies to brag.  Your name gets around the office as easy prey.  I had two of his co workers suddenly trying to hit on me.  These two showed up everywhere at a certain point.  Until I flat out said leave me alone. It was a bit humiliating to know my name became trash around the office.  I often wondered too if management got wind of my reputation.  

Never again will I ever entertain the prospect of even a friendship with a  MM. Not casual, not anything.  The office is the worst place for this to happen too. 

 

Edited August 15, 2021 by Luna66star
Missing info

[spiderowl]

The guy is full of lies and a serial cheater - you admit so yourself.  So what makes you think he will have changed with you?

While he was supposedly being pestered by this other woman, how do you know he wasn't subtly encouraging this in some way?  Have you see ALL their communications?  I suspect he plays one woman off against another, trying to maintain this image that he is the guy they all want.  It sounds like he is playing you now.

He is cheating on his wife and going through several women at work.  Is that the kind of guy you really admire?

 

Edited August 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[NYAG]

22 hours ago, jojo399 said:

I have got myself in to a bit of a quandary…

I started having an affair with a co-worker 1.5years ago. I was married at the time (now separated, but not because of the affair). He is married with a family. I have known him for years and know of several other work related affairs he has had. All of the other women have moved on to other jobs except one. She is quite obsessed with the guy…to the point where she harasses him with constant emails and messages and threats of outing their relationship to his wife and to managers within the company because their affair is now over.

My guy slowly distanced himself from her, told me he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her, all the while telling me he loved me and our relationship is different to any other he has ever had. 
He has since started allowing her back in to his life at her request saying she just wants to be friends. I asked him to tell me if she wanted to get back in contact with him and he swore he would. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t tell me. 

I’m unsure what to do next. On one hand I am happy with how our relationship was going in so far as I don’t want or expect him to leave his family for me and I enjoy the fun we have together. I have feelings for him and believed him when he said he had for me. On the other hand, he has lied to me on several occasions about this other woman. He regularly accuses me of being attracted to another one of our co-workers and keeping secrets from him, which I am not. 
 

Should I chill out, lower my expectations of him and carry on getting mine from our cheeky affair? Or should I throw the baby out with the bath water and tell him where to go because of all his lies?

Normal relationship rules don’t apply in these circumstances and it’s an interesting pickle to be in!

Firstly, always keep your expectations of MMs low. They will never cease to amaze you the depths to which they will stoop. But that's beside the point. It sounds to me like this guy thrives on the drama and the trouble he causes. I would keep well away. Life's too short for all that. This could blow up at any time and he will drag you down with him. If he has interest in others who knows where he is 'sticking it'. Don't catch anything nasty in the process. I would distance myself, especially since he is accusing you of having interests in other people which suggests to me he is trying to push you away deliberately.

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The happiest OWs are those who never get involved and treat the MM like a FWB.
Take what he has to offer, expect nothing more, and accept it may be over in an instant.

 

I concur with this 100% and I do speak from experience!

[jojo399]

13 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Been there.  Are you by chance feeling a little jealous & possessive that he's giving attention to the other co worker?

I'm asking this because it happened to me and I went crazy with jealousy even tho we were not officially dating. Only fooling around. He got tired of me I'm guessing but players usually do at some point.

Of course I made a fool of myself and began chasing plus getting obsessive. Was this other co worker better than me, prettier, better in bed, etc? Not sleeping and having problems at work prevailed in my life.  What a mess!!

I finally made a decision that this creep was just not worth all the hell I was going through.  I almost lost my job because it drove me so crazy.

I no longer speak to him and dread ever running into him again at work. My plan is not to make any eye contact with him ever again.

Please move on with your life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this! I appreciate you being so honest. 
I think I feeL more threatened than jealous. The other co-worker and the MM had a messy end to their relationship and she harassed him a lot, threatened suicide and sent him photos, found pictures of his wife online etc. I think I am more annoyed that he still has accommodates her requests to be friends because each time she ends up showing her dark side and he cuts her out and the cycle repeats. I don’t understand his behaviour around her which confuses me. 
 

I’m sorry to hear about what you went through.