7 years and we still don't live together

[LannaJ00]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and we still don’t live together. I live on my own in an apartment and he lives with his parents. We have always lived about a 45 minute drive away from each other. We see each other 2-3 times a month. 
I want to live with him but he is still very hesitant. He claims that he wants to save more money and that he is not ready. Our relationship has been stuck in this position for 3 years now. There is no progress. 
Is this a red flag? Is he being selfish at this point? Should I break up with him? 

[d0nnivain]

It depends on how old you are.  If you started dating in HS at age 14 & now you are just getting out of college, it's not big deal.   

After 7 years for you to only see each other 2-3 times per month that is a much bigger problem.  You are only 45 minutes apart.  2-3 per week seems more like it.  

[FMW]

Seeing each other 2-3 times a month, especially after 7 years, doesn't in my opinion provide much basis for a close relationship.  It also doesn't indicate much interest in really being together.  45 minutes isn't that far.

Jumping from that to living together would be very unwise.

In addition to not seeing each other often, he's living with his parents.  Unless you started dating as children and he's in college, it's likely he's there because that's exactly where he wants to be.  I would worry he requires someone else to take care of him.  I wouldn't want to take on that responsibility.

[LannaJ00]

For context, I am 30 and he is 27. 
we started dating when I was 23 and he was 20 - we met in college. 
we both work full time jobs and have been out of college for years now. I don’t have a car because I live downtown, but he has access to one. 
thank you for the responses so far!!

Edited August 14, 2021 by jmary00

[d0nnivain]

This is going no where.  He lives at home because he wants to.  He sees you infrequently because that is all the effort he cares to make.  

I agree with @FMW that him going from mom & dad to living with you is not a great idea.  But he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to move out.  

30 sounds like a great time to reinvent yourself & shake up your life.  Don't do what I did & drag this out or you will lose your ability to get pregnant & have a family.  

[Happy Lemming]

Some people don't want to live together. 

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 years and I don't want to live with her.  We also live about 40-45 minutes from one another. 

Unfortunately, rents in this area have increased significantly and she can't afford her apartment any longer.  Presently, there is also no affordable housing to speak of.  So I have to take her in or else she will be homeless.

It doesn't mean our relationship is fractured or has issues/problems, it just means we want to live apart.  Perhaps your boyfriend is one of those individuals that prefers not to live with his girlfriend.

For context, we are both older individuals (AARP crowd).

If living with someone is important to you, maybe its time to seek out someone who is on the same wavelength.

As a side note, at 27 he should NOT be living with his parents.  Time to grow up and move out (even if its just a small studio apartment)...  Time for him to leave the nest.  I would consider this more of an issue than his lack of interest to live with you.

[stillafool]

I guess after 7 years and no progress to move forward you can forget about marriage with this dude.  You are now 30 do you want a family?  If so, this guy isn't the one.  If he's been living home with his parents and hasn't even bought his own car by now there's not much hope for anything more.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, jmary00 said:

 I live on my own in an apartment and he lives with his parents.  He claims that he wants to save more money and that he is not ready. 

Sorry this is happening. Has he ever lived on his own?

The best approach is to stop hosting him like a BnB-with-benefits.

He can evade all responsibilities this way.  He can simply plug the umbilical cord in at his parents alternating with your place.

Frankly, it sounds like you are dodging a bullet not to allow someone like this to move in with you.

End it. There's no need to play house or take over the job of mom.

That frees you from this go-nowhere hell to find  men who have the same goals as you.

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm not super enthusiastic about your relationship based on what you've described, but more importantly, in my opinion, you are at the perfect age for baby making. If having kids of your own is a priority for you, it's time to ditch this man-child and find yourself a real man with whom you can have a child. The next ten years are going to go quickly. Take my word for it. Focus on your life and priorities. Only accept people into your life who support your priorities. Best wishes. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[BaileyB]

On 8/14/2021 at 8:12 AM, LannaJ00 said:

Should I break up with him? 

That depends on what your goals are in life. If you would like to have the experience of living with a man, possibly marrying a man, having children and raising those children together - this is not your man. 

In all seriousness, you’ve been dating for seven years and you see him 2-3 times a month. Most people after seven years would see their partner 2-3 times a week - spending weekends together, among other things. Most people at your stage of life who have been dating for seven years would be married and probably have a child by now… I’m five years in and we built a house and live together. 

If the status quo is not what you want, I would suggest that you end it soon… you are wasting the best years of your youth in a relationship that is going nowhere. If you want children and a family, you will regret the time you waste. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I’ve told this story before my my friend was about your age when she needed her five year relationship. He, at least, had moved out of his parents home. She wanted to get married and have a baby and every time they would have the discussion he would say, “I love you but… I’m just not ready. I don’t know what I want.” They went round and round and she waited and waited… She finally found the courage to end it and it was hard. But, she is now married, raising two beautiful children, and they just built their dream home… last I heard, he was actually living with a woman but they were not married and they did not have any children. She made a good decision. 

We can each live the life we dream, but only if we have the courage to make it happen.

[Leigh 87]

On 8/14/2021 at 11:12 PM, LannaJ00 said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and we still don’t live together. I live on my own in an apartment and he lives with his parents. We have always lived about a 45 minute drive away from each other. We see each other 2-3 times a month. 
I want to live with him but he is still very hesitant. He claims that he wants to save more money and that he is not ready. Our relationship has been stuck in this position for 3 years now. There is no progress. 
Is this a red flag? Is he being selfish at this point? Should I break up with him? 

This isn't going to go where you're heart truly wants. Sorry. 

I'm a huge advocate for mending a broken relationship, more so than most people. But your path that will make you the happiest will be compromised here, should you stick around. He won't change. There are no compromises here sadly. Either you never marry or have kids, or you force him into marriage out of obligation with no ... Passion or desire from his side, and then MAYBE manage to convince him to have a baby he won't help with and not bond with.

Sometimes men can have deep wounds and trauma from their childhood, that they have left unaddressed. With therapy sometimes it can help.

Therapy and addressing any traumas can sometimes heal a broken relationship, providing both partners start again. And use the chemistry and friendship element, to attempt at a new relationship.

However....

Are you sure that he even has some type of unaddressed trauma? Perhaps this is just who he is ?! And is he willing to address any underlying and unresolved trauma with therapy? Often people with issues don't know they're unwell and creating barriers to exploring healthy love. 

[Els]

Yikes. So he still lives with his parents, you two see each other 2-3 times a MONTH despite living only 45 min apart (....why????), and he doesn't want to close the "distance" (I don't personally consider 45 min to be distance, but clearly it is for you two if you're seeing each other so infrequently) after 7 years.

I don't see any downsides to leaving.

[NorthernGuard]

On 8/14/2021 at 7:22 AM, LannaJ00 said:

For context, I am 30 and he is 27. 
we started dating when I was 23 and he was 20 - we met in college. 
we both work full time jobs and have been out of college for years now. I don’t have a car because I live downtown, but he has access to one. 
thank you for the responses so far!!

Ouch!! Failure to launch. You're wasting your time with this guy!

[Lauriebell82]

Some people don't want to live together, get married, or have families. What I would ask him is what he sees the future being like for the two of you. Does he see you two getting married? Having a family? Living together at some point? I would start asking him some tough questions, but more importantly start telling him what it is that YOU want. No ultimatum, no threats, just state your wants and needs. 7 years is a long time so if you aren't on the same page, get there. Even if that means leaving the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who wants what you want.